60 Years Old, Silicone Over, None, Saline Under, Silicone Under, Ready for Nothing

My story is a long one and filled with complications and heartache. I got implants when I was 26 after the birth of my second child. I was flatter than flat, I know that is hard for most women to understand or grasp, but it is true. Completely flat, no tissue and nipples that were a flap of skin. Prior to pregnancy and breastfeeding I was a small AA but not completely flat. Anyway, I was also getting a divorce from an emotionally abusive husband and lost weight which may have contributed to the complete loss of breast tissue. So I knew someone who had gotten implants and decided to do it, too.

Turned out to be one of the biggest regrets/mistakes of my life. Not terribly long after getting the implants I thought one was ruptured but it took years for me to find a doctor that would listen to me and take my concern seriously. She ordered an MRI and sure enough, one was ruptured. I had silicone leaking into my body for years and I was horrified. I scheduled the removal which was quite involved because the surrounding tissue had to be removed, etc. I experienced terrible pain after the removal, pain much worse than I experienced after both c-section deliveries.

After the removal, I was flat again, disfigured, scarred, and depressed. I spent probably a year like that and finally decided to go back for re-implanting, this time with saline because the silicone implants were banned due to health concerns about their safety.

Even though the new saline implants were under the muscle, they were not good for me because I had so little tissue and you could see and feel the rippled implants. I was never happy with them and finally decided to have those out. My PS urged me not to remove because he said i would be unhappy with the result and encouraged me to join a trial of women who were able to get silicone again since they had already had silicone in the past -- the testing for safety of new silicone implants was being done. So I did that, went smaller with the implants in hopes that they would look and feel more natural.

Well, no tissue covering any kind of implant still feels like something not natural. Anyway, that last surgery was 12 years ago and while I like having some shape in my shirts, I am not happy and am once again going under the knife. I cannot believe the trauma I've put my body through not to mention the emotional stress and all because society tells us we are not complete unless we have big boobs. I once tried to make an analogy to a man and asked him how he would feel with a tiny little penis that was for all purposes non existent (of course, he had a large dick and I'm sure there was no way he could empathize)... because our sexuality, femininity, and self image is all tied up in what outwardly makes us women. Breasts.

I can get pretty caught up in all of that self image stuff. And I am an attractive person with so much to be thankful for, yet I became obsessed with wanting to have breasts, cleavage, the whole image of being a woman.

So in a couple of weeks I will become flat chested again. I am pretty sure I will be very self conscious. Not sure I will let my husband see me naked ever again. Not sure I will ever put on a swim suit again. Or anything form fitting or revealing. :( but I also will be me, really and truly me. No unnatural looking lumps on my chest that also don't feel natural when I hug someone or squash flat and look deformed when I flex my chest muscles...

Nervous today thinking about my pre-op tomorrow. I had a mammogram yesterday and now I'm not sure why because the person doing the mammogram said when the implants are out, I will have to have a new "baseline" mammogram. Anyway. That won't be for another year and I will have healed (physically) by then. Hopefully I will also be emotionally healed! I am wondering if I should be doing anything to prep for this surgery. Of course I know not to take aspirin type products. Did anyone here do anything else in preparation? I've started looking for front closure sports bras because I understand that is what th PS recommends. Any suggestions or thoughts are appreciated. ??

Headed to my appointment in a few minutes and I must admit I am feeling pretty nervous and anxious. Here is hoping for a good result and happier days ahead all me!