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I KEEP CHANGING MY MIND. When I wrote my last post...
I KEEP CHANGING MY MIND. When I wrote my last post (15 hours ago), I was conetslg sure that I was ready for the surgery. Ok, we'll I guess what I said was true - I am ok with the size I decided on.
I woke up this morning thinking that all I really want is to be proportionate, which my breasts will always be tiny, BUT I do need to hit the gym hard, which I can't right now.
I do go to the gym but only 2-3 times a week (up until I gave birth to my first child I was at the gym 5-6 days a week for a couple hours at a time). So I know how pitiful 2-3 days a week is when your goal is to seriously burn fat and build muscle. I don't need any encouragement, advice or training tips. I used to be really hot and athletic - I need time to get there again.
My problem is that I'm tired of living in this post-baby body! It's driving me insane! I want to be at the gym all the time - that is how goals are accomplished. But I can't. My husband won't allow me to put our babies in the kid care (maybe in a few months when the baby baby is older) and I don't have a car. So I'm at the mercy of my MIL, who comes over to watch the babies and then I take her car to the gym and back. Long story short, we had a beater car that my husband used for his commute but someone needed it so we gave it away. So I'm stranded with no car for the moment.
So perhaps really I'm just too frustrated about not being able to get my body back via the gym (though I know it won't look the same) and I want breast implants as a band-aid until that happens? So I just don't look ridiculously proportioned anymore? Because it really is. Seriously, my body is stupid looking.
It will take time from when I get to go back to the gym (which I have no idea when!) but since just getting back to the gym seems like an unattainable goal now, I'm just overly frustrated.
Fit or not, my body could benefit from better proportion, maybe now is just not the right time.
The way I keep going back and forth I wonder how ANYONE could have EVER had this surgery! Then again, it takes me a long time to shop. I'm one of those people that picks out some clothes, puts them back and comes back three hours later if I still want them. And usually, I don't come back. So you can imagine how hard this is for me.
My consultation fee is $100 - I don't want to pay it if I'm not sure, which means inbred to make a decision tomorrow!!
Wait...did I already make one?
PS - the neck thing is bothersome but probably not something I'd do just by itself. Candid pictures like that bother me but no one is perfect. I just happen to have many more genetically bad features than most people so it gets annoying :)
I woke up this morning thinking that all I really want is to be proportionate, which my breasts will always be tiny, BUT I do need to hit the gym hard, which I can't right now.
I do go to the gym but only 2-3 times a week (up until I gave birth to my first child I was at the gym 5-6 days a week for a couple hours at a time). So I know how pitiful 2-3 days a week is when your goal is to seriously burn fat and build muscle. I don't need any encouragement, advice or training tips. I used to be really hot and athletic - I need time to get there again.
My problem is that I'm tired of living in this post-baby body! It's driving me insane! I want to be at the gym all the time - that is how goals are accomplished. But I can't. My husband won't allow me to put our babies in the kid care (maybe in a few months when the baby baby is older) and I don't have a car. So I'm at the mercy of my MIL, who comes over to watch the babies and then I take her car to the gym and back. Long story short, we had a beater car that my husband used for his commute but someone needed it so we gave it away. So I'm stranded with no car for the moment.
So perhaps really I'm just too frustrated about not being able to get my body back via the gym (though I know it won't look the same) and I want breast implants as a band-aid until that happens? So I just don't look ridiculously proportioned anymore? Because it really is. Seriously, my body is stupid looking.
It will take time from when I get to go back to the gym (which I have no idea when!) but since just getting back to the gym seems like an unattainable goal now, I'm just overly frustrated.
Fit or not, my body could benefit from better proportion, maybe now is just not the right time.
The way I keep going back and forth I wonder how ANYONE could have EVER had this surgery! Then again, it takes me a long time to shop. I'm one of those people that picks out some clothes, puts them back and comes back three hours later if I still want them. And usually, I don't come back. So you can imagine how hard this is for me.
My consultation fee is $100 - I don't want to pay it if I'm not sure, which means inbred to make a decision tomorrow!!
Wait...did I already make one?
PS - the neck thing is bothersome but probably not something I'd do just by itself. Candid pictures like that bother me but no one is perfect. I just happen to have many more genetically bad features than most people so it gets annoying :)
I returned back to Florida from California...
I returned back to Florida from California yesterday and picked my babies up this morning. I was so happy to see them!!! :) I had never been away from either of them for longer than a few hours since they were born so it was hard for me to be away but it was a great break!
While I was on vacation, I had all the time I wanted to get ready - and as I was walking into Trader Joe's this morning with my hair in a disheveled ponytail, no makeup, flip flops and a college tee shirt WITHOUT my padded bra, I noticed I was already back in the mom rut. For sure I know that a BA does not fix the mom rut. BUT I also noticed how different I felt without my padded bra on. Obviously I'm considerably smaller, embarrassingly so, but now I feel the padded bra I have makes me too big!
I am not a small girl, more an athletic build (I do work out - a lot!) and I have accepted my build and structure. I will never be in a size 4 - I might make it to 6 but that's almost unattainable for me. Believe me, I know this for a fact. I have had in my mind this whole time that I'd want to get some Christina Hendricks-esque breasts because that's my build. And if I'm paying for it then I want my money's worth. Ok so probably not as big as hers but that's not the point.
The point is I think my padded bra is too big and nothing is too small. I want to keep the athletic look but have a little something. Now that I've come to this conclusion I'm not as apprehensive about the BA. That doesn't mean I take the surgery, the money, my health or anything else out of the picture. Those are all real concerns. But I am not concerned any more about the size and what to get.
I want to get saline because I do not want to be committed to the MRIs (read: health and safety). I am not the kind of person to NOT do the recommended precautions. So, I'd like saline. Hopefully the doctor will think I have enough existing breast tissue that I can get saline with no problems.
My consultation is Tuesday, Oct 30 at 4:15!!! I can't wait!
While I was on vacation, I had all the time I wanted to get ready - and as I was walking into Trader Joe's this morning with my hair in a disheveled ponytail, no makeup, flip flops and a college tee shirt WITHOUT my padded bra, I noticed I was already back in the mom rut. For sure I know that a BA does not fix the mom rut. BUT I also noticed how different I felt without my padded bra on. Obviously I'm considerably smaller, embarrassingly so, but now I feel the padded bra I have makes me too big!
I am not a small girl, more an athletic build (I do work out - a lot!) and I have accepted my build and structure. I will never be in a size 4 - I might make it to 6 but that's almost unattainable for me. Believe me, I know this for a fact. I have had in my mind this whole time that I'd want to get some Christina Hendricks-esque breasts because that's my build. And if I'm paying for it then I want my money's worth. Ok so probably not as big as hers but that's not the point.
The point is I think my padded bra is too big and nothing is too small. I want to keep the athletic look but have a little something. Now that I've come to this conclusion I'm not as apprehensive about the BA. That doesn't mean I take the surgery, the money, my health or anything else out of the picture. Those are all real concerns. But I am not concerned any more about the size and what to get.
I want to get saline because I do not want to be committed to the MRIs (read: health and safety). I am not the kind of person to NOT do the recommended precautions. So, I'd like saline. Hopefully the doctor will think I have enough existing breast tissue that I can get saline with no problems.
My consultation is Tuesday, Oct 30 at 4:15!!! I can't wait!
Wow. What a response to my comments. You guys are...
Wow. What a response to my comments. You guys are on the ball! I knew I joined this place for a reason.
I think I need to make myself clearer on some points though:
- I am 100% sure I desire a breast augmentation
- I am not 100% sure I want to part with $5000 to get it
Therefore:
I am not on the fence, nor have I changed my mind in my desire or willingness, I am better described as trying to talk myself out of it to be frugal.
So:
Talking about my neck is another issue I was already thinking about, but adding it to a BA would make it twice as expensive, and since I don't want to pay $5k I definitely don't want to pay $10k!! So I was considering the "which is worse scenario" - and it seems my neck trumps the BA.
BUT:
That doesn't mean I won't end up doing both or nothing at all.
To me it's like trying to decide between a (very expensive) Kit Kat or a Heath bar. I don't technically NEED either one but I want one...actually I want them both. Or I could resist temptation and go on with my life. Because I don't REALLY NEED it - I just really WAaNT it. And is that enough?
Doesn't the fact that my mental stability is not hinged on whether or not I have surgery a GOOD thing? Because it's not. Because me having a BA will never change the fact I couldn't nurse my children and that's the deep issue. It would be a way to perk my spirits but it will never remedy the issue. There happens to be no remedy other than time to accept.
So my mind hasn't really changed here. It's just that as I continue to move towards zero, I actively am trying to make sure financially I want to do this. Because I hate to spend money carelessly - so is this choice careless for ME?
Can I live, deal, move on without this? I want to be able to.
I think I need to make myself clearer on some points though:
- I am 100% sure I desire a breast augmentation
- I am not 100% sure I want to part with $5000 to get it
Therefore:
I am not on the fence, nor have I changed my mind in my desire or willingness, I am better described as trying to talk myself out of it to be frugal.
So:
Talking about my neck is another issue I was already thinking about, but adding it to a BA would make it twice as expensive, and since I don't want to pay $5k I definitely don't want to pay $10k!! So I was considering the "which is worse scenario" - and it seems my neck trumps the BA.
BUT:
That doesn't mean I won't end up doing both or nothing at all.
To me it's like trying to decide between a (very expensive) Kit Kat or a Heath bar. I don't technically NEED either one but I want one...actually I want them both. Or I could resist temptation and go on with my life. Because I don't REALLY NEED it - I just really WAaNT it. And is that enough?
Doesn't the fact that my mental stability is not hinged on whether or not I have surgery a GOOD thing? Because it's not. Because me having a BA will never change the fact I couldn't nurse my children and that's the deep issue. It would be a way to perk my spirits but it will never remedy the issue. There happens to be no remedy other than time to accept.
So my mind hasn't really changed here. It's just that as I continue to move towards zero, I actively am trying to make sure financially I want to do this. Because I hate to spend money carelessly - so is this choice careless for ME?
Can I live, deal, move on without this? I want to be able to.