Ashamed - Naples, FL

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Hi! I'm a 24 (not really, but I won't put my real...

Hi! I'm a 24 (not really, but I won't put my real age in writing) year old mom of two - 22 months and 8 months. I have always had very small breasts and a larger body. I wear a size 10, which is now tighter around the middle after the babies! :) there may be a tummy tuck sometime in my future but not yet...

After my older one was born, I tried to breastfeed and was unable to. He was unable to regain his birth weight and I had to start supplementing. I knew something was wrong from the beginning because all during my pregnancy my breast never got ANY bigger at all and when my milk came in, they were full but still small. After the first couple hours of engorgement they deflated, never to fill again. I tried so hard, I slept with him on me, I help him all day, there was never a time when milk was unavailable to him. I pumped, I called every lactation person, every doctor, midwife, everyone! I did everything I could but it jus never happened. I finally had to switch completely to formula because the milk (even though I pumped and pumped and nursed and nursed) dwindled away. I felt so terrible.

I got pregnant with my daughter when my son was 5 months old. I prepared myself to not be able to breastfeed her but I still tried. She was an EAGER sucker and everyone assured me that she was so aggressive there was no way that the milk wouldn't work this time. But, it happened again. I even took a prescription to try to increase but it didn't work. I. Fact, she lost weight when I started taking that. I was even more ashamed that time.

Now I find myself unable to look at myself in the mirror much less enjoy time with my husband. I had considered breast implants several years ago but did not want to have the possibility of breastfeeding interference.


It was one thing to have small breasts and feel like I have a ridiculously shaped body but another when the function they are to perform fails miserably. I have gotten over my ashamedness enough to realize I can embrace breast implants - I believe they will balance out my body and help me feel like a woman again.

I have my husband's full support and am nervous but excited to take this step. In have a consultation scheduled in two weeks! I can't wait!!

Blah! My husband and I are in San Francisco this...

Blah! My husband and I are in San Francisco this week. We arrived yesterday and had a long plane trip here. This morning we went to church, met some great people and had a long touristy day. I'm jet-lagged and sleepy! But I thought I would post some things anyway.

I decided to buy a VS miraculous bra so I could see what it would be like to have something of a chest. Not that a bra helps that much but an idea at least. I have been wearing it for a couple weeks everywhere I go which I feel does balance out my body as much as it can (it helps with giving me some size around the bottom but absolutely no cleavage, so at times you can totally tell I'm wearing a bra because there's nothing in there - sigh). I have noticed that postal workers, cashiers, taxi drivers, etc etc are all nicer to me now. You could argue that these workers are supposed to be nice anyway - yes they are, but are they really overly nice usually? That's what I thought...

And then I started thinking that maybe I don't need this surgery after all. Could I live my life in a VS bra and save myself the 5k? Hmmmm...maybe.

My husband doesn't have a problem with my breasts as they are. So no pressure there. And I know that at some point I do want a tummy tuck - so when I get the BA will I be super depressed about my stomach then? Then will my thighs need a lift? Then will I need laser off all my annoying body hair? Where will it end?

Am I opening a can of worms here - trying to fulfill a desire that treats a symptom but not a problem?

Am I just insecure in my new role as a mom? Am I looking for a different sort of validation as I secretly mourn the loss of my youth (because admitting it would somehow translate as not loving my children somehow)?

Will a Breast Augmentation help me how I think it will or will it create an even bigger problem?

My husband will be working all day tomorrow and I will have quiet time (the kids stayed at home with the grandparents) to think, pray and just be in silence. Perhaps my judgment has been convoluted by my hectic mom days. When all thoughts happen in between verses of The Fresh Beat Band or prepping for dinner or making sure the boy child doesn't lick a light socket (wish I was kidding) then are they really well thought out? Or does that make them impulsive? A Romeo-like impetuousness acting on a lusty impulse that turned out...well we know how that turned out.


And one more mother in law, who...

And one more mother in law, who watches my kids while I go to the gym three times a week (I try to fit in two more I'm Saturday and a night or early morning) is having surgery on her shoulder on Nov. 19. I will be starting back to work one day a week in January SO with those two considerations it seems like the perfect time for me to get my BA because I can't go to the gym anyway with no babysitter and I should try to be mostly healed before I begin working again.

All this together makes me feel that if it doesn't happen now it will never happen and when I go to my consultation I should be ready to schedule in 2-3 weeks.

I just don't want to be making a very expensive mistake is all. :(

So after much consideration I am leaning more...

So after much consideration I am leaning more toward NOT having a BA. I am going to keep my consultation set up (for now) but am not sure I am willing to have the procedure performed. Now that I've been on vacation sans children, I think maybe I've been in a mom rut. You ladies know what I mean - I barely get my eyes open and teeth brushed before I have to start getting them, breakfast, etc etc. I never wear clothes (sweats and tee shirts aren't clothes to me) and I never wear a bra. I don't have to, so I don't. And if we go walking outside to to play I wear athletic clothes and tank tops with a sports bra. So basically I'm day in day out flat-chested unless we go someplace that requires clothing (ha) and then I'll put on my padded bra. I do like how it balances out my curves and when I have on my sports bra I don't like that I'm an extreme pear shape. BUT:

- should I just try to lose more weight?
- should I wait a year to see how I feel instead of being dictated by my mother in law's surgery?

And now:

- should I consider a neck lift instead (see photo)

This picture was taken two days ago. It was candid but not the worst one ever taken. In fact I'd say this is typical of me and the pictures where my gullet doesn't appear is when I'm lifting my chin up. How awful. And my mom has it too - BAD.

So now I feel that I should consider a neck lift rather than a BA because it is exposed all the time. And who wants to look at that???? I don't. You don't. And that covers everyone ;)


Wow. What a response to my comments. You guys are...

Wow. What a response to my comments. You guys are on the ball! I knew I joined this place for a reason.

I think I need to make myself clearer on some points though:

- I am 100% sure I desire a breast augmentation
- I am not 100% sure I want to part with $5000 to get it
I am not on the fence, nor have I changed my mind in my desire or willingness, I am better described as trying to talk myself out of it to be frugal.
Talking about my neck is another issue I was already thinking about, but adding it to a BA would make it twice as expensive, and since I don't want to pay $5k I definitely don't want to pay $10k!! So I was considering the "which is worse scenario" - and it seems my neck trumps the BA.
That doesn't mean I won't end up doing both or nothing at all.

To me it's like trying to decide between a (very expensive) Kit Kat or a Heath bar. I don't technically NEED either one but I want one...actually I want them both. Or I could resist temptation and go on with my life. Because I don't REALLY NEED it - I just really WAaNT it. And is that enough?

Doesn't the fact that my mental stability is not hinged on whether or not I have surgery a GOOD thing? Because it's not. Because me having a BA will never change the fact I couldn't nurse my children and that's the deep issue. It would be a way to perk my spirits but it will never remedy the issue. There happens to be no remedy other than time to accept.

So my mind hasn't really changed here. It's just that as I continue to move towards zero, I actively am trying to make sure financially I want to do this. Because I hate to spend money carelessly - so is this choice careless for ME?

Can I live, deal, move on without this? I want to be able to.

I returned back to Florida from California...

I returned back to Florida from California yesterday and picked my babies up this morning. I was so happy to see them!!! :) I had never been away from either of them for longer than a few hours since they were born so it was hard for me to be away but it was a great break!

While I was on vacation, I had all the time I wanted to get ready - and as I was walking into Trader Joe's this morning with my hair in a disheveled ponytail, no makeup, flip flops and a college tee shirt WITHOUT my padded bra, I noticed I was already back in the mom rut. For sure I know that a BA does not fix the mom rut. BUT I also noticed how different I felt without my padded bra on. Obviously I'm considerably smaller, embarrassingly so, but now I feel the padded bra I have makes me too big!

I am not a small girl, more an athletic build (I do work out - a lot!) and I have accepted my build and structure. I will never be in a size 4 - I might make it to 6 but that's almost unattainable for me. Believe me, I know this for a fact. I have had in my mind this whole time that I'd want to get some Christina Hendricks-esque breasts because that's my build. And if I'm paying for it then I want my money's worth. Ok so probably not as big as hers but that's not the point.

The point is I think my padded bra is too big and nothing is too small. I want to keep the athletic look but have a little something. Now that I've come to this conclusion I'm not as apprehensive about the BA. That doesn't mean I take the surgery, the money, my health or anything else out of the picture. Those are all real concerns. But I am not concerned any more about the size and what to get.

I want to get saline because I do not want to be committed to the MRIs (read: health and safety). I am not the kind of person to NOT do the recommended precautions. So, I'd like saline. Hopefully the doctor will think I have enough existing breast tissue that I can get saline with no problems.

My consultation is Tuesday, Oct 30 at 4:15!!! I can't wait!

I KEEP CHANGING MY MIND. When I wrote my last post...

I KEEP CHANGING MY MIND. When I wrote my last post (15 hours ago), I was conetslg sure that I was ready for the surgery. Ok, we'll I guess what I said was true - I am ok with the size I decided on.

I woke up this morning thinking that all I really want is to be proportionate, which my breasts will always be tiny, BUT I do need to hit the gym hard, which I can't right now.

I do go to the gym but only 2-3 times a week (up until I gave birth to my first child I was at the gym 5-6 days a week for a couple hours at a time). So I know how pitiful 2-3 days a week is when your goal is to seriously burn fat and build muscle. I don't need any encouragement, advice or training tips. I used to be really hot and athletic - I need time to get there again.

My problem is that I'm tired of living in this post-baby body! It's driving me insane! I want to be at the gym all the time - that is how goals are accomplished. But I can't. My husband won't allow me to put our babies in the kid care (maybe in a few months when the baby baby is older) and I don't have a car. So I'm at the mercy of my MIL, who comes over to watch the babies and then I take her car to the gym and back. Long story short, we had a beater car that my husband used for his commute but someone needed it so we gave it away. So I'm stranded with no car for the moment.

So perhaps really I'm just too frustrated about not being able to get my body back via the gym (though I know it won't look the same) and I want breast implants as a band-aid until that happens? So I just don't look ridiculously proportioned anymore? Because it really is. Seriously, my body is stupid looking.

It will take time from when I get to go back to the gym (which I have no idea when!) but since just getting back to the gym seems like an unattainable goal now, I'm just overly frustrated.

Fit or not, my body could benefit from better proportion, maybe now is just not the right time.

The way I keep going back and forth I wonder how ANYONE could have EVER had this surgery! Then again, it takes me a long time to shop. I'm one of those people that picks out some clothes, puts them back and comes back three hours later if I still want them. And usually, I don't come back. So you can imagine how hard this is for me.

My consultation fee is $100 - I don't want to pay it if I'm not sure, which means inbred to make a decision tomorrow!!

Wait...did I already make one?

PS - the neck thing is bothersome but probably not something I'd do just by itself. Candid pictures like that bother me but no one is perfect. I just happen to have many more genetically bad features than most people so it gets annoying :)
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