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Nearly 2 Years Later
The thought to come back to this website and post an update has crossed my mind a few times the past several months - but I was/still am unsure how much an update like the one I'm about to give would help anyone. Regardless, I feel compelled to write something about my journey, and at the very least, I feel like this could be a cathartic experience for me. I am going to write about my life and why I think I wound up with crippling depression that disguised itself in the form of a tattoo.
A bit of background: I was born with pectus excavatum, which is a deformity in my breastbone causing my chest to have a concave appearance. When I was a child, it wasn't too bad, and although I was aware of it and tried to hide it from people who could potentially single me out, it didn't affect me much. When I become a teenager however, my adolescent growth spurt caused my condition to worsen. I knew it looked bad, but didn't know how dangerous it was to my health until my lung collapsed while I was pitching during one of my high school baseball games. I woke up in the hospital with a tube in the side of my chest only to have it painfully yanked (no exaggeration) out a few days later. I missed 2 months of school and then next year elected to have the same surgery on my other lung as a preventative measure.
I guess the surgeries worked, because I never had a collapsed lung again, but for the next 10 years I lived in fear and developed the habit of taking the most shallow breaths possible to avoid the pain that I sometimes experienced when I would breathe deeply. I also almost never took my shirt off in front of people and developed a made-up hatred for the beach just so I could tell that made-up story to my friends/family every time they wanted to go. My internal dialogue felt like it was made up of two people. The first person was the one who was domineering, angrily protective, and fed up with the injustice of my situation. The second person was meek but compassionate, understanding, and empathetic. So I would tell myself: "You can't go to the beach!!! What are you crazy?! What if someone sees your chest, makes a snide remark, and then you start crying because you cannot control your emotions???" The other voice would chime in ever so quietly: "But what if they're nice?" I never listened to that other voice and avoided all interactions that could make me vulnerable. In retrospect, I bet several of my family/friends were shrewd enough to recognize my avoidance, but I was hellbent on using any strategy possible to avoid the uncomfortable conversation about how I was different.
Fast forward 10 years - I was 26 years old and still very self-conscious about my chest. Although the ascetics of my chest were my biggest concern, there were also seriously legitimate health concerns. For one, I couldn't manage to walk up the stairs at my place of work without feeling like my heart was malfunctioning. I also still had periodic pain when I would breathe deeply. It became concerning and I did research until I found a surgeon who could help me. I spent months running around to different doctors and having test after test done to make myself eligible to have my condition surgically corrected. I remember receiving a phone call in my car after work one day from the surgery coordinator at the hospital saying that my surgery had been approved and that insurance would be covering everything. I was so relieved I cried. I cried though because I felt that I would be free from judgement now. People would see me as "normal" and not the kid with the messed up chest. The health benefits were almost an afterthought. As long as I would no longer be different. Now, here's where I tie in the tattoos.
I think most people on this website have suffered and endured a significant amount of self-hatred. When I first got my tattoos, six months after I had my corrective pectus surgery, the most intense hatred crept up on my out of nowhere, it was the mean voice again, now angrier than ever. "What have you done??!! You just got out of one problem and now you're into another. You better fix this [RS bleep]!!!" I felt like I ruined (ruined is a big word that I think it thrown around on this website more often than it should be) everything. I went from having the body I had always wanted (one that would not be ridiculed for its differences), to one that I hated more than I could have ever fathomed. The tattoos I got didn't come out the way I had envisioned, and what's more, the very few people I showed them too had quizzical reactions. One friend couldn't believe it and was shocked before asking "wtf is it?". My mom actually was convinced I was pulling a practical joke on her for the first 20 minutes of me crying to her for help. She is a conservative and expects all her children to follow social norms. I was unsure how she would react but my depression at that point was so bad that I was nearly suicidal. She eventually realized and showed me more love than you could imagine to help me get through it. I cry now thinking about it.
But the love of my mother wasn't enough and I found myself on tattoo removal forums like this one, trying to run away and cover up what was causing me levels of anxiety that made me feel like throwing up. In my extreme post-tattoo depression, the world and all it's potentially judgmental people sucked, but what was the most loathsome thing of all was my own self. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without being disgusted. I actually spent several weeks without even looking in a mirror.
Then in a moment of sheer insanity, or sheer clarity, I recognized that removal wasn't the option. I recognized that I had to deal with this pain. So I went to therapy, I wore tshirts that risked potentially showing my tattoo. I even showed the tattoo to people I work with when it came up in conversation.
But nearly 2 years later, I am still not perfect. I still have periods where I think about how life would be easier without my tattoos. I still look at myself in the mirror and have a bit of an "oh [RS bleep]" moment. It still isn't easy and I take necessary steps to keep myself in a positive mindset. I know I am growing. And I know that I will never remove these tattoos and remove the challenge to grow into a more compassionate, self-loving, and understanding individual. For without what happened to me, I would never be as good-natured as I am today. I am appreciative of my body and what it does in order for me to live, and I am adamant on not running away from potential conversations with people about how I am different.
I want to repeat that: I am not running away from potential conversations with people about how I am different. Being different is wonderful I really wish I could talk to each and every one of you on here about our differences and how they are the perfect challenges in our life. I truly believe that every one going through this is going through it for a reason, and that reason to grow into a more complete, actualized version of yourself.
And like I said in an older post of mine, I recognized that this is a tattoo removal forum, and the majority of people come here for advice on how to most effectively remove your tattoos, but I encourage you and practically implore you to embrace your differences and not run away from the things that are gently "forcing" you evolve into a greater person. You're bigger than all this.
A bit of background: I was born with pectus excavatum, which is a deformity in my breastbone causing my chest to have a concave appearance. When I was a child, it wasn't too bad, and although I was aware of it and tried to hide it from people who could potentially single me out, it didn't affect me much. When I become a teenager however, my adolescent growth spurt caused my condition to worsen. I knew it looked bad, but didn't know how dangerous it was to my health until my lung collapsed while I was pitching during one of my high school baseball games. I woke up in the hospital with a tube in the side of my chest only to have it painfully yanked (no exaggeration) out a few days later. I missed 2 months of school and then next year elected to have the same surgery on my other lung as a preventative measure.
I guess the surgeries worked, because I never had a collapsed lung again, but for the next 10 years I lived in fear and developed the habit of taking the most shallow breaths possible to avoid the pain that I sometimes experienced when I would breathe deeply. I also almost never took my shirt off in front of people and developed a made-up hatred for the beach just so I could tell that made-up story to my friends/family every time they wanted to go. My internal dialogue felt like it was made up of two people. The first person was the one who was domineering, angrily protective, and fed up with the injustice of my situation. The second person was meek but compassionate, understanding, and empathetic. So I would tell myself: "You can't go to the beach!!! What are you crazy?! What if someone sees your chest, makes a snide remark, and then you start crying because you cannot control your emotions???" The other voice would chime in ever so quietly: "But what if they're nice?" I never listened to that other voice and avoided all interactions that could make me vulnerable. In retrospect, I bet several of my family/friends were shrewd enough to recognize my avoidance, but I was hellbent on using any strategy possible to avoid the uncomfortable conversation about how I was different.
Fast forward 10 years - I was 26 years old and still very self-conscious about my chest. Although the ascetics of my chest were my biggest concern, there were also seriously legitimate health concerns. For one, I couldn't manage to walk up the stairs at my place of work without feeling like my heart was malfunctioning. I also still had periodic pain when I would breathe deeply. It became concerning and I did research until I found a surgeon who could help me. I spent months running around to different doctors and having test after test done to make myself eligible to have my condition surgically corrected. I remember receiving a phone call in my car after work one day from the surgery coordinator at the hospital saying that my surgery had been approved and that insurance would be covering everything. I was so relieved I cried. I cried though because I felt that I would be free from judgement now. People would see me as "normal" and not the kid with the messed up chest. The health benefits were almost an afterthought. As long as I would no longer be different. Now, here's where I tie in the tattoos.
I think most people on this website have suffered and endured a significant amount of self-hatred. When I first got my tattoos, six months after I had my corrective pectus surgery, the most intense hatred crept up on my out of nowhere, it was the mean voice again, now angrier than ever. "What have you done??!! You just got out of one problem and now you're into another. You better fix this [RS bleep]!!!" I felt like I ruined (ruined is a big word that I think it thrown around on this website more often than it should be) everything. I went from having the body I had always wanted (one that would not be ridiculed for its differences), to one that I hated more than I could have ever fathomed. The tattoos I got didn't come out the way I had envisioned, and what's more, the very few people I showed them too had quizzical reactions. One friend couldn't believe it and was shocked before asking "wtf is it?". My mom actually was convinced I was pulling a practical joke on her for the first 20 minutes of me crying to her for help. She is a conservative and expects all her children to follow social norms. I was unsure how she would react but my depression at that point was so bad that I was nearly suicidal. She eventually realized and showed me more love than you could imagine to help me get through it. I cry now thinking about it.
But the love of my mother wasn't enough and I found myself on tattoo removal forums like this one, trying to run away and cover up what was causing me levels of anxiety that made me feel like throwing up. In my extreme post-tattoo depression, the world and all it's potentially judgmental people sucked, but what was the most loathsome thing of all was my own self. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without being disgusted. I actually spent several weeks without even looking in a mirror.
Then in a moment of sheer insanity, or sheer clarity, I recognized that removal wasn't the option. I recognized that I had to deal with this pain. So I went to therapy, I wore tshirts that risked potentially showing my tattoo. I even showed the tattoo to people I work with when it came up in conversation.
But nearly 2 years later, I am still not perfect. I still have periods where I think about how life would be easier without my tattoos. I still look at myself in the mirror and have a bit of an "oh [RS bleep]" moment. It still isn't easy and I take necessary steps to keep myself in a positive mindset. I know I am growing. And I know that I will never remove these tattoos and remove the challenge to grow into a more compassionate, self-loving, and understanding individual. For without what happened to me, I would never be as good-natured as I am today. I am appreciative of my body and what it does in order for me to live, and I am adamant on not running away from potential conversations with people about how I am different.
I want to repeat that: I am not running away from potential conversations with people about how I am different. Being different is wonderful I really wish I could talk to each and every one of you on here about our differences and how they are the perfect challenges in our life. I truly believe that every one going through this is going through it for a reason, and that reason to grow into a more complete, actualized version of yourself.
And like I said in an older post of mine, I recognized that this is a tattoo removal forum, and the majority of people come here for advice on how to most effectively remove your tattoos, but I encourage you and practically implore you to embrace your differences and not run away from the things that are gently "forcing" you evolve into a greater person. You're bigger than all this.
Retouched my tattoos
Hi everyone,
I decided to go to an artist to touch up (or totally redo, depending on how you look at it) my two tattoos. I wanted to wait until all the work was done before I updated my review. I went to three sessions and came out ultimately feeling better about what I have. I'm sort of kicking myself for getting another triangle inside my original chest tattoo, but oh well. It is what it is.
I hardly ever feel depressed about them anymore. However, I'm still a bit self conscious of taking my shirt off in front of people that don't know I have tattoos yet. The initial shock and attention is something I like to avoid. Overall, I'm living pretty normal and look forward to growing every day as a person.
Everybody will always face challenges in their life, being able to stand up to that challenge and grow from it is what I believe one of the best ways to better yourself as a person. I'm glad I didn't remove them, and I'm glad that they gave me a challenge to grow from.
I decided to go to an artist to touch up (or totally redo, depending on how you look at it) my two tattoos. I wanted to wait until all the work was done before I updated my review. I went to three sessions and came out ultimately feeling better about what I have. I'm sort of kicking myself for getting another triangle inside my original chest tattoo, but oh well. It is what it is.
I hardly ever feel depressed about them anymore. However, I'm still a bit self conscious of taking my shirt off in front of people that don't know I have tattoos yet. The initial shock and attention is something I like to avoid. Overall, I'm living pretty normal and look forward to growing every day as a person.
Everybody will always face challenges in their life, being able to stand up to that challenge and grow from it is what I believe one of the best ways to better yourself as a person. I'm glad I didn't remove them, and I'm glad that they gave me a challenge to grow from.
My feelings and how I'm trying to take control of my life
It's been about a month since my initial post. Since then, I've undergone some changes. I started looking at this whole situation as something that needed to happen to me. Without it, I would never be as strong as I am now, which I honestly believe is the strongest I've ever been, but also know completely that it's not the strongest I'll be. There's an odd comfort in that thought for me.
Before I always thought I was already at that point and that nothing could rattle me. I've been through a lot of crap and for awhile and thought that I would finally have a break from challenges and get to enjoy life free of money, health, relationship problems. Now I'm realizing that this is yet another challenge (perhaps my ultimate challenge which will completely free me if I overcome it) that needs my attention.
Even with that realization, and even if it seems like I have a good mindset, I still struggle. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and have a rough time looking at myself in the mirror. When I'm out, I'm nearly always inspecting other people, seeing if they have any tattoos, wondering if they were ever miserable about them, and thinking how mine are just so much worse than everyone else's. I used to spend the majority of my time when I was home looking online at other people's tattoos, reading reviews on here, or browsing some depression forums because I was really feeling low. Like I said, I still struggle, but the frequency of all my negative habits have diminished over the past month.
I have an appointment scheduled with an artist in the middle of July to look at my tattoo and possibly touch it up to make it into something I like more. However I know that if he isn't able to improve it, all things will be okay. I will post updates on here so you guys can see what happens. I am much more in control of my actions and my mindset now and am doing everything I can to better my situation. If nothing else can be done at this present moment, then I should be at complete peace. I try very hard to keep that in mind, and it helps.
I'm doing some things differently now. I'm taking more time for myself. I find it extraordinarily helpful to spend some time each morning and each night trying to calm my mind. I don't know about you guys, but my mind always thinks that this is the worst thing that can possibly be happening right now, when in reality, it can't be. When I take a deep breath and ask myself "what problem do I truly have right at this moment?" I'm unable to produce an answer. And if you are able to produce an answer to that problem it's just your mind tricking you. Dismiss it and try asking the question again. I also find it helpful to try and stop thinking entirely. I ask myself "I wonder what I'll think of next?" and then try to not have thoughts. Needless to say, they eventually rush in, but then I acknowledge it and ask the question again. Eventually they become few and far between.
I know this is a tattoo removal review site, and maybe you all don't care about this story as much as you do the results of someone who is actually going through the removal process, but I still think it's worthwhile to communicate to you all how something that causes you so much misery can actually wind up opening a portal in your life that you never were aware of. For me it's an effort to completely accept where I am right NOW and try and eliminate as much suffering as possible by focusing on what I can do in this moment.
If you had the choice between being miserable and being happy, which one would you chose? You have the power to make that choice right now. Not in two years after you remove your tattoo, or in 6 months after you get a cover up. It can be done now. It's not easy, but if you stay mindful of that every day I think you'll inch closer and closer until you're exactly where you want to be and have become an utterly beautiful person because of it.
Before I always thought I was already at that point and that nothing could rattle me. I've been through a lot of crap and for awhile and thought that I would finally have a break from challenges and get to enjoy life free of money, health, relationship problems. Now I'm realizing that this is yet another challenge (perhaps my ultimate challenge which will completely free me if I overcome it) that needs my attention.
Even with that realization, and even if it seems like I have a good mindset, I still struggle. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and have a rough time looking at myself in the mirror. When I'm out, I'm nearly always inspecting other people, seeing if they have any tattoos, wondering if they were ever miserable about them, and thinking how mine are just so much worse than everyone else's. I used to spend the majority of my time when I was home looking online at other people's tattoos, reading reviews on here, or browsing some depression forums because I was really feeling low. Like I said, I still struggle, but the frequency of all my negative habits have diminished over the past month.
I have an appointment scheduled with an artist in the middle of July to look at my tattoo and possibly touch it up to make it into something I like more. However I know that if he isn't able to improve it, all things will be okay. I will post updates on here so you guys can see what happens. I am much more in control of my actions and my mindset now and am doing everything I can to better my situation. If nothing else can be done at this present moment, then I should be at complete peace. I try very hard to keep that in mind, and it helps.
I'm doing some things differently now. I'm taking more time for myself. I find it extraordinarily helpful to spend some time each morning and each night trying to calm my mind. I don't know about you guys, but my mind always thinks that this is the worst thing that can possibly be happening right now, when in reality, it can't be. When I take a deep breath and ask myself "what problem do I truly have right at this moment?" I'm unable to produce an answer. And if you are able to produce an answer to that problem it's just your mind tricking you. Dismiss it and try asking the question again. I also find it helpful to try and stop thinking entirely. I ask myself "I wonder what I'll think of next?" and then try to not have thoughts. Needless to say, they eventually rush in, but then I acknowledge it and ask the question again. Eventually they become few and far between.
I know this is a tattoo removal review site, and maybe you all don't care about this story as much as you do the results of someone who is actually going through the removal process, but I still think it's worthwhile to communicate to you all how something that causes you so much misery can actually wind up opening a portal in your life that you never were aware of. For me it's an effort to completely accept where I am right NOW and try and eliminate as much suffering as possible by focusing on what I can do in this moment.
If you had the choice between being miserable and being happy, which one would you chose? You have the power to make that choice right now. Not in two years after you remove your tattoo, or in 6 months after you get a cover up. It can be done now. It's not easy, but if you stay mindful of that every day I think you'll inch closer and closer until you're exactly where you want to be and have become an utterly beautiful person because of it.