For the past three years or I kicked around the...
For the past three years or I kicked around the idea of getting a tattoo. One that would be a permanent reminder of positives and negatives in my life. Ive struggled in the past with spiraling negative thoughts and wanted to get a tattoo that had two sides to it. Positive and negative.
I chose to get positive blue swirls on the front of my upper arm to represent positive calming energy and purple swirls on the back of my arm to represent all the shit we go through in our lives and how we should leave it behind us.
I didn't do as much research as I should have for the artist and got it from a local shop. I was sort of happy with the initial outcome but I went for a cover up and impulsively decided to get another tattoo, which, ironically, is a symbol for patience. After I came home that night I started struggling.
I went from having no tattoos to two fairly large ones in the matter of a month. And then I posted my tattoos online and got negative feedback on it. People didn't like them. This made me not like it even further. I started feeling frantic and went to other shops to get their opinions. A few artists said it was crap work and they were unsure if they could fix it.
I left not wanting to make anymore rash decisions and have been living with intense feelings of regret, depression, and anxiety for the past 3 weeks. I'm not sure if I want to completely remove them because of the time and money it will take but I'm really struggling right now.
I'm on antidepressants and go to therapy to try and feel better about it but it's really affecting my life.
Maybe removal will be an option for me further down the road. I'm not sure. :(
My feelings and how I'm trying to take control of my life
It's been about a month since my initial post. Since then, I've undergone some changes. I started looking at this whole situation as something that needed to happen to me. Without it, I would never be as strong as I am now, which I honestly believe is the strongest I've ever been, but also know completely that it's not the strongest I'll be. There's an odd comfort in that thought for me.
Before I always thought I was already at that point and that nothing could rattle me. I've been through a lot of crap and for awhile and thought that I would finally have a break from challenges and get to enjoy life free of money, health, relationship problems. Now I'm realizing that this is yet another challenge (perhaps my ultimate challenge which will completely free me if I overcome it) that needs my attention.
Even with that realization, and even if it seems like I have a good mindset, I still struggle. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and have a rough time looking at myself in the mirror. When I'm out, I'm nearly always inspecting other people, seeing if they have any tattoos, wondering if they were ever miserable about them, and thinking how mine are just so much worse than everyone else's. I used to spend the majority of my time when I was home looking online at other people's tattoos, reading reviews on here, or browsing some depression forums because I was really feeling low. Like I said, I still struggle, but the frequency of all my negative habits have diminished over the past month.
I have an appointment scheduled with an artist in the middle of July to look at my tattoo and possibly touch it up to make it into something I like more. However I know that if he isn't able to improve it, all things will be okay. I will post updates on here so you guys can see what happens. I am much more in control of my actions and my mindset now and am doing everything I can to better my situation. If nothing else can be done at this present moment, then I should be at complete peace. I try very hard to keep that in mind, and it helps.
I'm doing some things differently now. I'm taking more time for myself. I find it extraordinarily helpful to spend some time each morning and each night trying to calm my mind. I don't know about you guys, but my mind always thinks that this is the worst thing that can possibly be happening right now, when in reality, it can't be. When I take a deep breath and ask myself "what problem do I truly have right at this moment?" I'm unable to produce an answer. And if you are able to produce an answer to that problem it's just your mind tricking you. Dismiss it and try asking the question again. I also find it helpful to try and stop thinking entirely. I ask myself "I wonder what I'll think of next?" and then try to not have thoughts. Needless to say, they eventually rush in, but then I acknowledge it and ask the question again. Eventually they become few and far between.
I know this is a tattoo removal review site, and maybe you all don't care about this story as much as you do the results of someone who is actually going through the removal process, but I still think it's worthwhile to communicate to you all how something that causes you so much misery can actually wind up opening a portal in your life that you never were aware of. For me it's an effort to completely accept where I am right NOW and try and eliminate as much suffering as possible by focusing on what I can do in this moment.
If you had the choice between being miserable and being happy, which one would you chose? You have the power to make that choice right now. Not in two years after you remove your tattoo, or in 6 months after you get a cover up. It can be done now. It's not easy, but if you stay mindful of that every day I think you'll inch closer and closer until you're exactly where you want to be and have become an utterly beautiful person because of it.
Retouched my tattoos
I decided to go to an artist to touch up (or totally redo, depending on how you look at it) my two tattoos. I wanted to wait until all the work was done before I updated my review. I went to three sessions and came out ultimately feeling better about what I have. I'm sort of kicking myself for getting another triangle inside my original chest tattoo, but oh well. It is what it is.
I hardly ever feel depressed about them anymore. However, I'm still a bit self conscious of taking my shirt off in front of people that don't know I have tattoos yet. The initial shock and attention is something I like to avoid. Overall, I'm living pretty normal and look forward to growing every day as a person.
Everybody will always face challenges in their life, being able to stand up to that challenge and grow from it is what I believe one of the best ways to better yourself as a person. I'm glad I didn't remove them, and I'm glad that they gave me a challenge to grow from.