Just Want to Be Body Confident - Manchester, GB

After losing weight after having my child nearly 12 years ago and now at stable weight of 8 stone 9lb (give or take a few pounds), height 5ft 5ins, it seemed no matter what I did eating wise, exercise wise, nothing seemed to improve my chunky middle and what I call my sad face belly button. I just felt my weight and my upper body didn't match the appearance of my tummy area.

No matter what I did It would just result in me getting thinner everywhere else (too thin) with no improvement on my tummy area.

I have NEVER worn a bikini, despite the fact I am not a big girl, but always covered my tummy up thinking every tummy looked better than mine on holiday.

I finally decided to do something and had my first ever cosmetic procedure, a form of Lipo that also was suppose to tighten the skin. Unfortunately, it didn't work out for me despite me following the aftercare to the dot and being told I was the ideal candidate. I knew something was not right, my tummy seemed to protrude even more than before and I seemed to have gained more loose skin and an even sadder looking belly button. I noticed my muffin top more when sat down, I could not wear my pre op underwear as it cut into me as a result of my protruding tummy and yet I was still the same weight, the swelling had passed so it wasn't that. What should of been an improvement and a happy occasion, left me in a dark place and hiding in baggy clothes hating my tummy even more.

I tried to forget about it and move on, but this was proving very difficult after looking in the mirror everyday and remembering my old body, having my clothes be a reminder that things were worst than before, feeling stupid that I had done this to myself, I came across Realself and started to do in dept research.
I went to two plastic surgeons
1: to find out what had happened to me, 2: How I could improve my appearance.
The first said that it should not of been carried out and the only way was a TT and I also needed a muscle repair, but the surgeon felt my appearance was ok and sent me home and said accept yourself (he normally fixes extreme botched bodies) so this is what I tried to do, but I think I saw him to soon after the Lipo procedure and as I said he was use to fixing extreme botched cases and I am not an extreme case.

After about four months of trying to accept it with no success I saw Dr Ross based in the UK. He was straight talking, and was keen to discuss the fact I needed a muscle repair, and discovered a small umbilical hernia. He said he could improve my appearance and sort out my sad face belly button, he was very thorough and showed me various photos of patients and the risks and the scars. He was honest with me and didn't sugar coat it , no sales pressure either. He said I didn't look that bad, but could see why I felt like I do.

I feel I am on a hamster wheel constantly going round and can't move forward with my life and my confidence, stuck in a rut basically.

I eat healthy, I go to the gym three times a week with high impact excerises, even hired a personal trainer. I deserve to be happy and confident.
My procedure is November and I am petrified and experiencing a wave of emotions, feeling selfish to my hubby and child, and thinking their are worse people than me, but, I know if I don't do it now, my feelings will never go away and I will just be delaying the procedure for no reason.

I hope you can relate to this. I just want to be happy with my body, I have not told anyone other than my hubby and another family member as I don't want to be judged, my child I have told I need a Hernia operation.
Is this guilt feeling normal?

Clinic phoned and asked if I wouldn't mind moving the operation to a day earlier (17th November), getting nearer.

Had my pre op, it went well other than my heart was racing, as I knew the blood test was coming (bad experiences with drawing blood in the past) it was a case of white coat syndrome!!!, so much so that they had to do an ECG to make sure that everything was ok with my heart, which it was. The nurses were great and I spoke to them about my fears about not waking up, they were fantastic and said everyone feels that way, I now feel alot more at ease. Roll on Tuesday!!!