Last weigh in 8/11/16 it's getting real now! - Louisville, KY

Let me preface by saying I have been stalking this...

Let me preface by saying I have been stalking this site for a few months now and you have all been a source of inspiration.
I wanted to hold off on posting until I had my first appointment to start this process. My first appointment was on 3/8/16. I saw the surgeon, nutritionist, psychiatrist, nurse practitioner, insurance person all in a 6 hour period. So most of the appointments needed for insurance purposes all in one day. (It was a LONG and trying day). For insurance purposes, I have to do a 6 month medically supervised diet. The nutritionist advised 1200 calorie diet - seriously?!? I get that I need to start making better food choices...and I can do that...but to limit me to 1200 calories a day is ridiculous. I don't have a specific amount of weight I have to loose before surgery, I just can't gain any. I guess I will enter my stats here...
HW 326
CW 306
I am scheduled for my EGD/EKG/Chest X-ray on 3/30/16. Then my first month weigh in on 4/11/16. I will stick as closely as possible to the 1200 cal diet (as ludicrous as I think it is) as I can because I am not going to let anything jeopardize this chance I have at a healthier life.
I will more than likely use that not only as a source of support, but also as a journal of sorts...for those of you (like me) who enjoy that sort of thing...stay tuned...for those of you who don't I apologize ahead of time for the oversharing that is sure to come. LOL

A little history....

So a little background, I am from a LARGE (on all counts) dysfunctional Italian family. I had a very difficult childhood, dealing with physical, emotional, and sexual abuse at the hands of my stepfather from the ages of 6-18, (the sexual abuse started around 11) I spent most of my formative years being told I was fat and unlovable, made to do boot camp like drills from the moment I got home until dinner, which we were made to eat all of or we were not allowed to leave the table. (Something I still even now 23 years later struggle with).
Looking back at pictures now of me then, I was not fat, I wasn't even chubby, I was toned, and thin and probably in the best shape of my life.
It wasn't until I turned 18 and was able to get away from him and that situation that I started to lose control of my weight. I got pregnant at 19 with my first born, and the weight just piled on. I gained 90 lbs with that pregnancy and didn't care. As a result, father of said child was no longer interested in being in a relationship with someone who cared more about the child than him, so he left, but I was determined that this child would have a better life. That he would have all the love that I didn't have growing up. That he would NEVER feel less than, so I devoted my entire life to making sure he knew how special he was. .
Fast forward 5 years, I was now at 225 lbs, raising my son on my own, and I meet my first husband. We dated a year before I would even introduce him to my son. Two years later we are married, and I have given birth to my second son. Looking back now, I should have seen the warning signs, but I chose to ignore them because I just wanted to be loved, I wanted that ideal family that I never had. Turns out that was not in the cards for me. He was also abusive, verbally, and mentally at first, it didn't become physical until after 3 years of marriage. The first time he raised a hand to me, I was done. I refused to relive my childhood, and I REFUSED to bring my children up in that kind of environment. So while he was off on a bender, or with his most recent girlfriend, or wherever he was, I packed up my house and moved into an apartment (something I had been planning for for a while secreting away money in savings to prepare). I had by this time gained a lot more weight and was now topping out at 326 lbs.
I suffered from depression and anxiety and was put on Effexor for it, which assisted w/the weight loss. They say no better diet than a divorce. I lost almost 80 lbs. I was down to between 250-260 and feeling pretty good about myself. I went back into therapy (my second go round, I did 3 years of intensive therapy after I got away from the stepfather). I started to heal, started to rebuild a good life for myself and my boys. I was happy again.
I met my current husband in the summer of 2005. My mother remarried to the only man I will ever consider a father several years prior and we lost him in January of 2005. I spiraled out of control again, depression, anxiety and weight gain. When I met Scott (current husband) he was wonderful, but I was so wounded I didn't see what he had to offer. He was patient, he provided a friend when I really needed one. He was encouraging, and comforting, and thoughtful. He was non threatening. I felt safe with him, and eventually found myself falling in love with him. He knew all my secrets, all my scars, and he loved me anyway. He is the (and this is going to sound SOOO cliche) yin to my yang, the sun to my moon. We have been together since 2005 married since 2009 and I gained not only a husband, but a third son. Finally I have the in tact happy family that I always hoped for. It's not been all sunshine and hearts, we have had our struggles and our issues (ok, my issues that he has patiently worked through with me) and we have disagreed when it comes to the way we raise/d the boys. He thinks I am too soft, I think he's too firm - but again, we balance each other out.
So here I am today - he is absolutely supportive of this decision I have made for a healthier, longer life. So supportive in fact that after the seminar, he decided he is going to do it too. His initial appointment is coming up.
After meeting with the Psychiatrist during my initial appointment, he has required that I go back into counseling and the therapist has to report that I am making progress before he will sign off on my surgery. I am having anxiety issues again and they are getting pretty overwhelming. Mostly social anxiety, can't deal with crowds, don't want to be noticed, etc. So now I have to find a therapist that will see me and hopefully start working on this anxiety so I can get it under control to be approved for the surgery!
Ok that's enough for today - I know there are a few of you out there with similar stories, I have ready them, and they have really resonated with me - I hope that this will do the same for someone else! Feel free to ask any questions....I will be happy to answer them! Have a great day everyone! :)

Blood work, and follow up psych letter....

So I got the results from my blood work in the mail yesterday, along with the recommendation from the psychiatrist. Lets start with the blood work shall we?
I don't know that I have ever had that comprehensive a blood test before. I mean if it's in my body, they tested for it. I have a medical background, and some of this stuff I had to look up...but the most shocking to me is that I am pre-diabetic....I have since my first pregnancy, been hypoglycemic. So this was quite a shock, and a wake up call. Cholesterol and lipids are w/in normal range, of course most of my vitamin levels are low. Other than that, everything looked good.
Then I open the letter about the psych eval and appears that the good Doctor thinks that I need therapy, to deal with my social anxiety and the bouts of depression. He will not sign off on the surgery until I start seeing a therapist and the therapist reports that I am making progress. He feels as if I have not had 'enough' therapy to deal with my past, and that it will continue to effect my future causing me to emotionally eat. I am not entirely sure what to think about this. I know I have anxiety issues...I have an anxiety disorder, I should be on medication, but I thought/think I can control it on my own. So I don't disagree that I should probably seek therapy and perhaps get back on some medication. However.....I do not feel that I am an emotional eater.
When I am anxious, the last thing I want is food because I feel sick to my stomach, when I suffer from a bout of depression, I don't want to eat, I don't want to do anything but sleep. I don't seek out food when I am happy, or sad, or angry. I don't feel as if I do - perhaps I am in denial? Did he see something in me that I refuse to see in myself?? I don't understand how he can make that judgement based on 45 minutes of rushed questions. I don't even feel as if he listened to the my answers, before rushing on to the next I will call one of the therapists on the list today to get an appointment (she has actually had WLS as well, which makes me feel better) and try to get my anxiety under control. I will work to make progress so the good Doctor will sign off on my surgery. I will not let this set me back.
On another note, I am really trying my best to stick to this 1200-1600 cal diet. I am not having much of a problem with it, and it helps that my husband is sticking to it too - but I want a fried chicken cob salad from Zaxby's so badly!! It's a majority of my calories for the day, so I have resisted.
Will update soon as I call to get an appointment with the therapist. Wish me luck!

Finally added a photo....

So, I was going through my phone trying to find a pic that I can upload to put a face with the name...the one I added was the only one I was even remotely happy with, and surprise of surprises, I have NO full body shots...I am pretty sure I haven't been in a full body shot photo (willingly) for years. I guess for tracking purposes I will have my husband take some and load them here so I will have some sort of documentation of this journey. Will work on this over the weekend and hopefully have some for Monday :) Have a great weekend everyone!


I finally called (I admit I was procrastinating) and got my first therapy session appointment. I see the new therapist on March 28th. It was the first late appointment she had (I am trying to minimize the amount of time away from work before surgery). I have to admit there is some trepidation about the upcoming appointment, it's been a long time since I have been in a therapists office - a lot of scars to reopen. I just keep telling myself - it will be worth it in the need this, so you will have to work for it. It's been my mantra for the last two weeks, and I have a feeling I will be telling myself this A LOT for the next 6 months. After all, if it were easy, it wouldn't be worth it now would it?

First appointment with therapist

Had my first appointment with my therapist on Monday 3/21. I was able to get in to see a different person a little sooner. She is fantastic. I felt so at ease just talking to her on the phone and meeting her, I knew I had made a good choice. She is frank and honest and has two standard poodles that sit in during therapy. I am a HUGE dog person (have three of my own) and they just put me right at ease. It was pretty much a getting to know you session, and she doesn't think it will take long before she signs off on the surgery because she doesn't think my issues will interfere with being able to make the lifestyle changes needed to follow instructions after surgery. She does however believe that there are things I need to work on, specifically my anger issues which are causing a lot of my anxiety, which is feeding my anger....yeah I am a bag full of nuts. LOL. She was easy to talk to, I didn't feel like I was talking to a therapist, I felt like I was talking to a long time friend. This will be good for me, and the more I can learn about controlling the anxiety and anger, the better I will cope once I do have the surgery.
On another note...still sticking pretty closely with the diet. Closer to the 1600 calorie than the 1200 calorie, I was really starting to have some issues with dizziness, fogginess, headaches. When I stick closer to the 1600 I feel better and a little less out of it. I am also not constantly thinking about when I can eat again. I don't know if I have lost anything...I don't own a scale...I guess I should probably buy one so I can at least try to monitor between my monthly weigh ins. I just really do dread having one in the house...I will become obsessive about it (sole reason I don't have one now), but I know I will need one later down the line and I really do need to keep track to see if I am losing. The only stipulation to my insurance is not GAINING any weight - if I gain, I will be disqualified...I don't see how on earth I could gain at this point...but we shall see. Guess I will stop and buy a scale tonight...wish me luck!

Endoscopy, EEG, chest Xray and 4 lbs....

So I had my appointment yesterday to get my endoscopy, chest xray and EEG done. All in all it took 2 hours for everything and since the endoscopy was first (scheduled for 6 am) the rest of it was kind of a blur....But the endoscopy went well, no hernia, no ulcers, no issues. Then chest xray was fine, lungs look good, and the EEG was unremarkable.
I had to weigh in before the endoscopy and I am down 4 lbs.
Initial Weight - 306
Current Weight - 302
So apparently what I am doing is working...not noticeably, but slowly. Which is fine by long as I don't gain I am on the right path. Next visit and next weigh in in 4/11/16. Will update then.

It's been a while

Unfortunately I haven't found as much support on here as I'd hoped, but I have found support in the people around me. Especially people who have gone through or are going through the process.

My final weigh in is 8/11/16 - I have lost 14 lbs since April when the process started. It's not a huge amount, and I am ok with that. It's been learning to eat correctly (high protein low carb) it's been weaning myself off of bread, pasta, rice, potatoes, etc. It's a small victory, but I have not gained anything - it may only be a lb lost for the month, but it's a loss, not a gain. (This is what I keep telling myself anyway).

I have continued with my therapy, and I am working through issues that have long been pent up (it has come to my attention that I am a very angry person) and I am learning to cope with these feelings instead of stuffing them down and letting them eat me from the inside out. Deal now and move on. While I didn't think I was an emotional eater, I have come to realize that I am a stress eater. When I am under a lot of stress, I want to eat. I have been under an extraordinary amount of stress the last month and I am worried that I have actually gained this month. I have cheated more times than I care to admit, and I have spent most of the month feeling guilty because I am cheating myself. So I am finding it easier to just walk away and avoid temptation and all I have to do is remember the shame and guilt I feel for treating myself this way.

Once this weigh in is behind me the only thing left to do is for my PCP and my therapist to sign off n the surgery, and everything will be submitted to insurance for approval. Then it's a waiting game - wait for the approval, then wait for the surgery date - I am hoping at the very latest for a Mid October surgery. I will post when I know something more concrete.
HW - 304
CW - 290
Louisville Bariatric Surgeon

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