Want These Toxic Stupid Things out of my Body - Los Angeles, CA

My profile picture is of myself, 15 years ago,...

My profile picture is of myself, 15 years ago, prior to making the huge mistake of having breast implants. I was a small A. Always liked my breasts, but wished they were bigger. Was totally unaware of all the risks and the major trauma to the body/ pectoral muscles and thought it would be a simple surgery to both do, and undo! Boy was I wrong. I woke up completely traumatized by the way I looked, and more so by the way I felt! I knew I had done irreparable damage to my body. I was a model and had many model friends who had had he procedure before me. They all told me to wait it out... They will drop, they will settle, etc. They never did. They were placed too high up, and they were not symmetrical. I hated them. But I buried it. I didn't want to go through another surgery and I just kept waiting for them to get better. I also started working a ton, which distracted me from how I really felt about them! Fast forward to 14 years later, after two kids, breastfeeding both of them for a year each (with much difficulty thanks to my implants) I was no longer modeling and thought about having them removed. I made the mistake of going to a world renound breast augmentation specialist to discuss removal. I did so only because, of course, thanks to the industry I am in, he is the dr who has worked on a lot of my friends and they were happy with him, and I was ignorant enough to think that someone who does such amazing work implanting must do great work ex planting. DUMB. Not the way it works. But I wouldn't know if he's good at removal or not because he convinced me that I would look horrendous... Not only flat but possibly CONCAVED. He told me that the only reason I am unhappy with my artificial breasts is because they are saline (firm) they are placed too high, and I have capsular contracture. He convinced me that if he removes the capsules, replaces them with silicone, releases the muscle more at the bottom to lower them, that I will be extremely happy with the result. 20G later I still hate them. And worse, I have stage two capsular contracture AGAIN. But of course I do! Because it almost ALWAYS reoccurs in patients with previous CAP CON, but my surgeon did not tell me that, of course. Anyway, thanks to all the ladies here on real self I am confident that explant is the right thing to do! I believe my surgeon was full of crap that I will be concave, and I have had a few consults here with local doctors who disagree and they don't even think I will need a lift. I have also become aware of some of the health risks involved with having implants, or a poorly done explant so I am considering Dr. Feng, Dr. Melmed or Dr Kolb. As they specialize in removing all the bed stuff with your implant to ensure there is no more toxic crap left in your body, while taking care to save all the previous healthy tissue! Please comment if you have anything to say about any of these doctors or if you had an amazing explant with another?? Thanks ladies!

Date is set!

I am so excited to have a surgery date set with dr. Feng! I am scheduled for March 9th but I'm hoping to get in on a cancellation. Linda who is the head coordinator is so amazing... She answered all of my questions and made me feel so comfortable. I'm so impressed with the way the office is run. I feel really good about this, and j can't wait to have my own body back!!

Had a little freak out...

I've been completely freaking out the last few days. I saw read some bad reviews on the Internet and my imagination got the best of me. (My imagination can be a little over active!!) I started imagining the worst results possible... Big thick scars and totally deformed saggy breasts :( I couldn't sleep, made myself sick/ rundown, crying, the whole deal. Then I picked up the phone and called Linda at feng's office and told her how I was feeling and she put me completely at ease and reminded me of why I want to do this. OMG rhisnisndo hard!! And I know this is just the beginning. Thank goodness for this website and all you ladies posting your honest feelings... Without you all I would feel so alone and have no idea what to expect down the road to come. So thank you so much ???????? and I hope I can count on reviving some support from you all when I need it!! ????????

Cute Bikini for Itty bitties! :)

Ok, so the more time that passes, the more I feel confident that I will be happy with my little boobies :) I imagine that like many of you who have already shared your story, I will have good moments, along with a few more "freak out" moments, but I am having a good moment right now and just bought myself the cutest little bikini (waaaay too prematurely, I know!) which looks amazing/ super sexy on a small chest! Thought I'd share it with my new fellow small chested friends :))) I can only pray that it looks half as good on me as it does on these girls...

Retail therapy is distracting me :)

I'm trying to not actually purchase anything unless I know for sure it will fit! But making a wish list on multiple sites and it sure is fun :) check out some of these finds! All of them will look so fab on a small chest. You can source them all on shopbop.com and just search the item names :)

Pretty dresses for small chest

Just find these images so encouraging... Small is beautiful.... Embrace it ladies!! Xx

some positive encouragement

If you're feeling down about being small, just scroll through google images of Erin Wasson topless... Works for me ;)

Before pics

Paying it forward to all you incredible ladies on this site by posting pics :) here are my before's! After's to come. Remember these implants are only a year old! The ones I replaced were in much worse shape than these... But as you can see, these are still bad and they are declining rapidly. And proof, that no matter which surgeon you see or how much money you spend on a breast augmentation... Implant's are a flawed system and they just don't look good, especially on thin girls with little breast tissue like me. I can't wait to be free from these sacks of silicon in my body. 4 more weeks to go.

Feeling down and scared

Ladies!!! I'm feeling so down today for more than one reason :( first, although I had good intentions I said something stupid to someone and made them upset. I haven't stopped thinking about it all day and feeling bad. NEXT, I got my hair cut and it was the worst haircut I've had in a really long time. Let's face it... There are two things that really define a woman's feminism in society... Breasts and HAIR. (I know there is so much more to us than those two things but I'm speaking in superficial a terms here!) and I really wanted to have nice hair before my surgery so I treated myself to a haircut and color. Color tuned out nice but the cut is horrible. He gave me so many layers that I look like my hair is thinning. It's the worst haircut I could have imagined and it's so short that I can't really do anything with it to fix it or make it look fuller. I get upset about this kind of thing normally, but with my surgery coming up I am upset about it on a whole new level. I can't stop crying. I know that there are so many more important things to focus on or worry about but damn it I can't turn off the flood gates right now :( I feel like every cosmetic thing I do always turns out to be a disaster and I pray to God that my explant is an exception. I feel so scared :((

Surgery fast approaching

Well, it's only one week from today that I board a plane to Cleveland to start my explant journey with Dr. Feng. I can't begin to describe the way I feel. It's incredible the range of emotion! I'm still feeling very positive about my decision... I haven't wavered at all in that aspect. I'm also very confident with my choice of surgeon. The anxiety is generalized. I wake up worried and anxious about things that don't even matter. It actually feels as if my entire being is functioning on this totally different frequency that I've never been on. I'm super emotional... Like I'm pre-menstrual all the time. The strangest feeling of all is hard to describe... I guess I could say I feel child-like. Maybe that's because I was a child when I did this to myself in the first place, and finally addressing it means revisiting that child... Before she hid behind implants... And addressing the real issues that are there. Becoming her again, and dealing with my young insecurities as an adult. I feel like I'm moving backwards in time. I can't describe it any other way. But like an arrow... Sometimes you must get pulled back in order to move forward. Right? So here I go... Backwards or forwards, whichever way I'm going I pray that God be with me on this journey! I love all of you ladies out there who are going through this same thing and am so grateful for all of you who have reached out to share your support with me. You are all such a gift to have during this time. Sending you all love and healing energy. XX

Food and medication list

Hi ladies! For all those who are asking what my doc suggests avoiding pre surgery... Here is the list I received from her! Xx

Just landed in Cleveland! Two more sleeps!!!

I can't believe it's actually happening. Feels surreal. I've had these things in my WHOLE young adult life. From the age of 19-34!!! Boy will this be a shock. I hope it's a good one. I am feeling positive. Nervous but positive. Kind of wish my hubby was here with me but maybe it's best I'm alone to deal with this... I've never really liked feeling vulnerable in front of anyone. Hmmm. Maybe I should work on that! Lol. I'm in a rather dark hotel... It's dark outside... Trying not to let my surroundings effect my mood. Hopefully the sun will be shining tomorrow. I just can't wait to get this over with and get on with the rest of my life... Hopefully feeling stronger, healthier, and MAYBE even happy with the way I look. I can't thank all of you wonderful ladies enough for all of your encouragement and support. It means the world to me and you all have been my ROCK through all of this. I'm not sure I would strong enough to go through this without you all! Sending you all so much love and WELLNESS ??

Consult complete!

Well, I have to say that I feel just like every other woman who has ever come out of a consult with Dr. Feng and posted about it. She really is incredibly thorough and took the time to really listen and discuss every aspect of every one of my concerns. I probably spent about 2 hours with her... She made me feel completely at ease, and I never felt rushed, or silly for asking certain questions. (You that feeling some surgeons give you for asking questions? Almost like they are offended that you don't just have faith that they will do everything the best way? When you just really need to UNDERSTAND things?) she didn't make me feel like that all... And I can't tell you how refreshing that it. She did waiver a little on what my results might be... When she first examined me she said I might have a lot of skin, and will be flatter than before... Then she continued to examine me and said "actually, I think these lumps might be breast tissue... I think we might be OK." So basically My expectations aren't any different than they were before... I might come out of this looking ok, or I might not. I just have to hope for the best, and try to be CALM about it. Say a prayer for me ladies!! 6:15 am Cleveland time it's on like donkey kong! ;)

Game time!!

A lot of you lovely ladies were checking in with me regarding how I was feeling the evening before my surgery... It wasn't bad, actually! I just kept myself super busy. Pharmacy runs, grocery run, lots of food prep and cooking for post surgery... Plus I had all my pre ops, blood work, consult, etc. then I treated myself to a 90 minute massage here at the clinic! I busied myself so much, in fact, that I didn't make it to bed until midnight (although I fully intended on trying to be asleep by 10) I feel pretty calm this morning, too, considering my surgery is in 20 minutes! (I got here a bit early) maybe it's the double does of Ativan I took 4 hours ago ;) I'm just trying to stay focused on the big picture. I have two small kids who need me to be a better version of me. I'm so TIRED all the time and at that this rate I won't have any energy to enjoy watching them grow play with them... and play with my grandchildren one day. Life is such a blessing and these moments with the people you love is the most valuable part of life itself. When I look at it like that... A simple implant removal seems like an easy solution. Especially when you think about all the young women out there fighting for their lives with cancer, and other life threatening illness... Just fighting to survive. Puts things into perspective a little bit... Ok... Say a prayer for me ladies!! It's game time!

I made it to the other side!

Hi from the other side!! :)) Sooo... I wrote a review when I first came out of surgery... Pretty loopy, so of course it didn't post. Probably forgot to hit "update!" LOL So here we go again!
Feeling pretty good!! Impossible to tell what's going on under these dressings...they are super tight and I look completely flat, which I've seen over and over on here so I'm not specifically worried about that. Hoping to get a pic from Dr. Feng! (I've seen on here she sometimes provides an immediate post op pic to her patients) She did say that one breast did better than the other. I can't remember which one anymore... I think she said left is the "bad one?" (She didn't use those words) She said that one of the muscles was atrophied, and she had to stretch it in order to repair it. I'm just happy to hear that all the muscles were able to be repaired though!! And she did say that it will be able to improve with exercise. I'm feeling positive and happy with no feelings of regret or anxiety. I'm sure there will be some ups and downs to come though, and I will keep you all posted, of course! Thank you all so much for all your words of encouragement leading up to this moment!! I couldn't have done it without you! Xx ??

2 days post

Hi ladies! Everyone at the clinic was pretty hopeful I would have my drains out today but no such luck. :( The output is good but apparently the color is still too dark :( So no shower for me today!! I was looking forward to meeting the girls! Lol But I did get another chance to speak to Dr. Feng again after my surgery on Wednesday and here are a few things I know about the surgery and my results... The first and most shocking fact is that she found scar tissue all over my rib cage in between my ribs fusing them all together. She did say the scar tissue was thin and stretchy which is why I was able to take deep breaths when I made an effort to do so, but it did make it more difficult for me. And the lack of oxygen I was receiving because of this was likely contributing to my chronic fatigue and anxiety!! Can you believe that!! Next, she said that I lost a lot of breast tissue on my right side. She said that it was from years and years of having capsular contracture. (I had it from day one and left them in there like that for 14 years!) I guess the scar tissue (contracture) rubs on the breast tissue and eventually kills it. She estimated I am an AA on the right side and an A on the left. I was hoping for symmetry, but I guess it is what it is! I'm ok with it. The AA boob might also have a little deformity (indentation at the bottom where the muscle was dissected) but she is hopeful it will "fluff" Lastly, and I'm writing this because it is a universal result that all woman experience post explant so I want to inform you all in case your surgeon doesn't... It's only TEMPORARY! There will be a little concave at the top of your breast... This is because the muscle that is a little higher than where your implant was put in has not been effected by your implants... It is a thick, healthy, muscle. But right below it is the muscle that sits on top of the implant... That muscle, because of its poor ability to function, has gotten thinner. When you take the implants out, you can see this step off where the muscle has thinned. This will go away over time as you regain your chest wall strength back! Yay! I might have posted this already, But no harm in repeating the positive stuff!! Ha! So she did say that she was able to repair all the muscle (very big deal to me since I'm an athlete!) she also said that I have excellent skin and will have no skin sagging issues, and nipples are placed up nice and high. (Surprised by this considering the breastfeeding and everything!! So in super happy about that! I'm just so happy to be on my way to being stronger and healthier that I'm honestly not as worried about the result as I thought I would be. I haven't really seen it yet but I already love my new/ old body. ?? Did I mention that I'm going bonkers in this hotel room by myself?!?! I feel like I don't want to leave my hotel room until these drains are out. I can hide them but I think it's a mental thing... Ugh

3 days post op... Right after drain removal

3 days post op.

Hi ladies! I met my girls today!!! Drains coming out wasn't fun... I'm not going to lie! But I couldn't help but feel like "thank goodness this is the very last self inflicted pain to my breasts that I will have to endure."
I will admit that I feel nervous and vulnerable posting these images for everyone to see. Unlike my implant pictures, these feel more personal to me, because they are ME, and they are not perfect. But the photos that helped me get through this process the most have been the ones that show PROGRESS. So here I pay it forward :)
This may surprise some of you... But I am actually very pleased with my result. I guess what it comes down to for all of us is expectation?? I expected to be flat... Maybe not quite THIS flat, but flat ;) I expected to have deformity and saggy skin after 15 years of capsular contracture, two surgeries and breast feeding for 2 years. I'm pleasantly surprised by the quality of my skin, and by how mild the deformity is on my left breast, which Dr. Feng is "very confident" the pulled in nipple will correct itself! And if it doesn't, there are many treatment methods... Scar revision is the best option she said. I will heal better than I did with implants, because, with them, my body never got past the second stage of healing... It was too inflamed from the implants. So without them in anymore a scar revision should heal nicely. So there you have it! Flat as a board and free as a bird! Lol. And happy has can be. The only tears I've shed are tears of joy... To be free of the implant prison I lived in for most of my young life. Sending love and courage to all of you, and please keep me posted on all of your upcoming surgeries! I can't tell you how much you all mean to me... You've all helped me get to the other side and I will forever be grateful to each and every one of you! Now... Let the fluffing begin??? Lol

12 days post

Waiting for my tenser wrap to dry, and trying on bras for the day after tomorrow! (When I'm finally allowed to go without compression... Woohoo!) this bra is so perfect and so comfy. The nurse, Karla, told me to find something that has compression around the in incision area, but is lose enough in the breast area to allow fluffing. Not hard for me since anything with the slightest bit of cup will be lose on me! Lol. But this is such a comfy bra I wanted to share with you all... It's by a company called "miel" and it comes in white, black, nude and grey. I lived in these post my BA (in a size large) and now I think I'll be living in them again (in a small) Also, off topic but I wanted to bring up one more thing about my surgery that might help other women... I've heard women complain about the incision being too low, and showing in a bikini... On the other hand I've heard women complain that their incisions are too high. I specifically asked my surgeon to air on the side of LOW. If there is any uncertainty where the fold actually is, to go lower, rather than higher. I stressed that I am not concerned about them being too low, or seeing them exposed in a swimsuit, and am far more concerned about them being too high. I wanted to make sure I didn't damage or scar my actual breasts any more then they aready were from my two previous surgeries. That was my personal preference, and I am very happy with the incision placement now! So I encourage you to think about where you would be happiest with yours and discuss it with your surgeon :) All my best always! Xx

Rockin it the way God made me!

Embracing the flat look... No padding necessary ;)

Fluff fairy is starting to make her appearance...

Day 14 and only 24 hours without compression... Righty is still missing a little lower pole, and lefty's nipple is still caving in... But I didn't expect anything different at this point yet! Just happy that I seem to be developing little boobies! Ha! ;)

Benzo Withdrawls!

I love that I have been able to help a few women on this site, offering advise and positive encouragement! However, the one bit of advise I might have given to some of you was to try taking Ativan for anxiety. DONT! Unless you only plan on taking it for a day or two. I'm now currently trying to get off it and I had NO IDEA I would experience Withdrawls after taking just .5 mg/ day for only 4 weeks. The Withdrawls are TERRIBLE. Headaches, nausea, irritability, insomnia. WILD AND CRAZY DREAMS. I had ringing in my ears last night which I don't know is related or not, but imagine it is. The crazy thing is that no one told me that benzo's were so dangerously addictive, (recommended by my therapist and PS, and approved by my operating room nurse) and that if you take ativan for more than 3 weeks straight you have to taper off of it VERY slowly, reducing your dose to only 10% for a week or two at a time?? Which means that because I was on it for 3 weeks I have to stay on it for 6 more?! No thank you! This stuff is crazy and I'm going to try to cold turkey it, despite everything I've read telling me not to. Substituting natural supplements L-theanine and magnesium. Say a prayer for me! This is already rough just trying to cut my does in half :( I just hope I'm not messing with my healing process doing this now?? But it just feels right not taking one more of those horrible little pills.

feeling much better than yesterday!

I'm still in a version of hell... but much better than yesterday. I made it through the night with the help of 2 does of each... tylenol, L- theanine and Magnesium. I woke up 5-6 times but was able to get myself back to sleep pretty quickly. I can't nap today because hubby is playing golf. (should I be mad at him for that?) But I'm surviving! Still super irritable and jumpy. When my dog surprise jumps on me I startle and lose it and want to throw him across the room but my arms won't let me do that. (I'm pretty sure i wouldn't do that anyway?? LOL) but still, I am much better than yesterday and am just so relived that cold turkey does look like it's going to work for me. PHEW.
On another happy note... My daughter said the cutest thing to me today... she's been dying to see my breasts since I explained the surgery to her. I warned her they look a little yucky... they have big cut marks and the nipples are caving in a bit, but they will look better soon.Then I showed her. She pointed to my left breast and said that one looks like it's smiling. And the cuts are smiling too! They're smiling because they are so happy that you ex-implanted! (this is what she calls it :) And maybe every time you look at them now, the smiling will remind you of how happy they are that you did that!" hahaha! I like what she's trying to say ;) My little empath

Feeling a bit down

I'm pretty sure that if I wasn't dealing with a trifecta (as my husband so nicely put it ;) I wouldn't be feeling this way... (Benzo Withdrawls, possibly the flu or maybe just flu like symptoms from the benzo Withdrawls, extreme fatigue from whatever it is, AND, I'm getting my period! Yay!) So... Trifecta?? And I can't help but let it bring me down a bit. I am so grateful for my skin retraction... I'm so grateful that I was given the strength to explant, and SO SO grateful for Dr. Feng and to finally be FREE from breast implants. I don't regret it for a second and I never will. I'm just feeling down right now and my breasts are a little bit hard to look at. The nipple caving in makes me feel sad (I know, I know! I need to think about the adorable things my daughter said ;) but gahhhh... They just seem to staying exact the same and I was hoping that they would start looking better by now. (Too soon I know, but I was hopeful for some tiny improvement?) Also, now that I am in less pain and able to massage a little and explore my breasts more, it's clear that I am missing areas of tissue all together. It's hard to tell from pics because I have so little tissue anyway! But there are areas that are literally muscle and skin and that's it. And it makes me sad that I did this to my poor beautiful little 19 year old breasts so long ago. I know I have a long healing period yet to come... And I know that there are follow up surgical options like FT, and scar revision if I need them, (WHICH, for the record my fellow flat friends, I would only do enough FT to fil the empty spots ;) so I remain positive that in the end I should be able to achieve a nice result... But it just makes me sad to look at them now and see all the damage that was done to them from my poor and ignorant choices, and I just want to share how I'm feeling with you all in hopes of receiving some support, because I'm not receiving much from my ignoraneous husband. ( that's another whole review I could get into!! He's supportive of my decision but complaining about carrying the extra weight now and not really in touch with my feelings.) Much love to all of you ??

Positive encouragement for all my new friends <3

These are not my words... They are the words of a friend of mine, that resonate with me right now, so I thought I would share them with all of you

Let's try this again!

Life is not about arriving at your grave with a pretty and perfect body pulling along a treasure chest filled with bright shiny things and waiting for your "Winner Ribbon" Life can break you. Nobody can protect you from that. You have to feeeeeel it. let go of the fear , the expectations , the self judgment, the guilt , the hate. The reason you are here on earth is to risk your heart, to trust in yourself and the process of self-realization, to truly know yourself. When it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, abandoned, hurt, or death swoopes in just barely missing you. Let yourself sit in silence, feel your heart pace, your breathe wash through your body , taste the tears as they stream down your face and know that it has all brought you to this moment, this moment of realizing just how strong and powerful you are . That you have withstood everything life could throw at you and yet here you stand, still , alive , pulsating a vibration of steadfastness and an inspiration to those around you who are in awe of your resilience , perseverance and ability to transmute the dark into a light so bright that it illuminates the shadows from which others were lost.

Before and after!

Just another confirmation! Seriously... How much better does this dress look on me now than it did before?! Big fake boobs just make you look matronly and 15 lbs heavier than you actually are! Who's with me?! Lol Clearly I am feeling better now... Thanks to everyone who helped get me through my trifecta

Nipple caving trick!

My husband always has called me McGiver! Lol. I think I may have come up with the perfect system to train my caving nipple to behave, and give it the space it needs underneath to allow it the opportunity to "fluff" under there. These are "lily padz" available anywhere that sells breast feeding pumps/ supplies. They are intended to stop breast milk leaks and they have the perfect amount of suction! I'm going to post this as a question too, so that women can find this solution when the search for it :) bonus... They make your boobs look a tiny bit bigger ;)


Hey ladies!! Just wanted to post a quick update to let you all know how great I'm feeling today! Had my very first yoga session in 5 weeks and it felt SO GOOD. (I stayed away from about half of the excerises... No load bearing yet!) Here's the amazing part... I went in there without even the slightest whisper of an idea that my balance might be better now... I was honestly just worried about weather or not I would be able to do ANYTHING in the class. I was SHOCKED that my balance was SO ON POINT. I have always struggled to do do half moon pose... I always chalked it up to my height (I am 6' tall) and no matter how hard I practiced I just could never really do it very well. Today it was a BREEZE. I was shocked and amazed and of course thrilled!! Also, since we're on the subject of physical health... All of my back issues that I thought were from pregnancy have vanished, and so has my chronic sciatica that also came at the same time as pregnancy! I had not made the connection between any of these things and am so grateful for this VERY HIGE BONUS. These alone make it all worth while... Even if my aesthetic results never improve I will remain over the moon with my decision because of these elements alone. Still waiting for my fatigue to clear up though, so if anyone knows how long that's supposed to take or has any advise on how to kick start my recovery in that area I would be grately appreciate your input! Love to you all! Xoxo

5 weeks post!

Hi ladies!! This is for those of you very tiny chested girls who have been feeling anxious about the fact that I haven't updated ;) Don't worry! Things keep getting better. I think that after a few weeks most of us just start to get on with our lives a little bit. Plus, it's hard to take a good pic of yourself... Let's be honest, ALL boobs look best with arms down at the sides instead of reaching forward to take a selfie! But here they are. They've fluffed a bit but not as much as they should have by now because I've been keeping a sports bra on. I have mondors cords on the left side which are painful when keeping compression them and not on the whole breast. Finally allowed to go completely compression free now so I'm looking forward to seeing how they change in the next month or so. The lines on my breasts are from the lillypadz that I am wearing to convince my nipples to stay out... And they seem to be working! Stil extremely happy with my decision to explant and I'm so excited about my future... I can't wait to see how my fitness game changes! My goal is to be able to do some serious hard core gymnast type stunts in the not so distant future!! ;) I've been speaking to some wellness specialists who say that my fatigue should clear up in the next 6 months to a year if I dedicate myself to a program of light exercise, diet and rest. I will keep you all posted on that! Xo

8 weeks

Hi ladies! I haven't been on here much... I've been focusing on exercise, naps and over all health :) I have been feeling a bit frustrated lately because I don't feel like there's been a whole lot of change... So I took some pics just now and looking at them I realize maybe there has? They always look best right after peeling off my lillypadz so, of course that's when I snap the shots ;) (that's why you might notice some weird dimples in the skin... It's from the silicon.) I do have some stretch marks and some skin adhesion which you can't really see unless I'm flexing (and I don't want to post a picture of that!) but my surgeon assures me that I won't need surgical release and that I just have to be patient! The muscle is not jumping... Just my skin. I ordered the noogleberry breast pump which I think will help fill me out a little bit as well as keep that darn nipple from caving in! (Which it does after about an hour without my lillypadz.) I can't wait to try it and let you all know how it's working! I need to wait another 4 weeks though. Apparently with dedication and patience it really works... And I've read some great reviews even from transgender folks who have gained 3 cups sizes using it! I'm not aiming for that though... A half a cup size would thrill me! Anyway, I just wanted to keep my itty bitty clan updated... Still so happy I explanted and things (very slowly!) keep getting better :) I hope you are all doing great! Sending you all love! Xx

I have breasts!

Hi all! I decided to go ahead and have a fat transfer earlier than I thought I would... The adhesions I had were really getting me down and I really wanted to get this done so I can feel whole again and hopefully start moving on with my life! In the first pic I am attaching you can see how adhered I am... All of the markings indicate adhesions needing to be released (aside from the obvious lines used for the surgeon to find my center.) It's really kind of hard to see exactly what's going on because of all the swelling but I am really happy with my result so far, and hope that I don't loose a lot of volume! Pain is worse than I thought but supposedly that's because there was so much scar tissue and adherence. I had to put asleep because of the extensive work that was done. I also had both areola scars revised because I didn't like they way they were laying with my new shape and Dr. Karamanoukian agreed I would benefit from a revision. I'm holding this takes care of the nipple adhesion, but dr Karemanoukian wants to see me every singe day for a while to keep an eye on it and if it starts to sink in again (which it looks like it might?) He has a few tricks up his sleeve. He thinks it's just the way I'm swelling though. I'll keep you all posted!

Healing well!

I'm so happy with the way things are looking and feeling! I'm still swollen and pretty sore, but I feel free from adhesion when I flex and I'm loving the way they look so far. I really hope things don't change too much! My surgeon said he processed all my fat twice and he thinks this is pretty much my final result. The bigger side in the pic (which used to be my non existent side) will come down about 10% he said. As you can see that left nipple (right in pic) is still being a little shit head but he thinks it will correct itself. And if not we'll just out s tiny bit more fat in on that side. My only big hope is that nothing adheres... If I can get away without feeling stuck to anything I will be over the moon! Oh, also, he said that my "huge" scars actually ended up coming in handy... He said that they really helped create a nice fold on my non existent side and that it would have been very difficult to achieve such s nice look without it. Well GO FIGURE! :))))

The ugly truth

Well ladies, I think the time is now to share these photos with you all. I planned on waiting until I had a "final" after result because I've been afraid that posting these pictures will frighten women out of removal. I have tried to be so strong for all of you and be the cheerleader for the tiny ones, so when my breasts began to adhere and look deformed I didn't know what to do. I could really have used the support of everyone on here but I was so afraid of letting you all down, and scaring new girls out of removal. But after posting my fat transfer pictures it appears I have let some of you done anyway. I have received private messages from some of you letting me know your disappointment as well as a comment today, which really felt like a blunt force blow. So here they are... Here are my terribly deformed breasts that I have been sobbing over and trying to deal with on my own. The left one was tethered so badly and the scar tissue was all tangled up with the main nerve coming to the nipple so as you can imagine, this was very painful. It was also extremely strongly adhered... No massage was going to help me. THIS is why I had the surgery. The fat will help prevent it from re-adhering. I was happy being small before and I'm actually feeling a little sad about my current fullness but I'm hoping that enough stays to keep this lovely new shape, and keep me "unstuck" and enough goes that I feel petit again. I am struggling... Just like all of you, so please... If you have don't have anything nice to say, please just don't say it :(

Day 10

Hi ladies! First of all I want to say thank you so much to all of you who have been so supportive on my last update! I definitely went through a rough patch there and it was so amazing to read such kind worlds from all of you <3 One thing I didn't mention in my last post, which definitely was contributing to my emotional breakdown, was that my surgeon decided to re-see my left nipple! I was at s follow up with him and the Stella looked like it was starting to sink again so my surgeon decided to re- sew it right then and there on the spot. I think I was a bit traumatized from that! It looked better initially but now we're back to where we started. Anyway, it's a big improvement from where I was before the FT, so in just going to accept that it won't be perfect. Perhaps another small FT down the road, or perhaps I'll just leave it alone depending on how much worse it gets. On a more positive note, Otherwise I seem to be healing well. Swelling has gone down, and they're feeling softer. I'm SUPER happy with right side areola revision, and loving the shape, which is very similar (aside from the asymmetry) to my original breasts! Donor sites are still totally fine. No lumps or anything so far!

The good the bad and the ugly

Hi ladies! I'm sorry j haven't had a chance to respond to all of your kind comments on my last update but I read each one of the and they mean the world to me! Thank you! I will get back to each one of you soon :) so the good news is that I'm loving the way they are looking... As the swelling goes down they look more and more like real boobies and SO close to what my original boobs looked like which makes me very happy! BUT the downside is that I am still adhered, and my left side is still killing weird. It's improved, but it's definitely still there and will most likely continue to look worse and worse. My surgeon doesn't understand why it's still doing this!! It's so frustrating for both of us. He told me to vigorously massage and when he demonstrated it hurt so badly I almost cried! So I have been in my own little world of hell trying to unstick myself :( now I am worried of course that the aggressive massage will kill the fat because that seems to be the popular belief of doctors. However, my surgeons assures me that it will not? Anyway, I will continue to do what he tells me to. At the end of the day if I need to compromise all the fat in order to get unstuck I will. It's all just so stressful and worrisome and I have to admit I'm running out of steam for all of this! Trying to stay positive...


Hi Ladies!
In an effort to help all of you ladies out there with adhesions I wanted to update my review for you :) So first, here are my thoughts on fat transfer to remove adhesions... While I feel much better clothed right now than I did before... Fat transfer alone DOESNT WORK for adhesions. It might improve your condition and appearance slightly but it won't get rid of your adhesions. I've recently learned that scar tissue is 200 LBS of pressure per square inch or something close to that?? A little fat in there will just get squashed by it for the most part. I believe it is important to try to release as much scar tissue as you can first. I am seeing a therapist at a physical therapy institute, who does something called myofascial release. I strongly believe this is the answer, in combination with fat transfer (once released as much as possible) Here is the website with information as well as a list of therapists in your area. www.myofascialrelease.com I strongly suggest you go to at least one session so you can feel what your therapist is doing and use the same teqniques at home. if you can't afford a single visit or want to get started right away before your appointment I'm going to try to explain it to you as best I can! It's gentle... Totally pain free. You can start by placing your hands on you chest (without lotion because you actually want your skin to stick) and kind of gently and slowly move your breasts around in different directions with your hands until you feel resistance. When you feel resistance, hold it just at the point of resistance (don't go farther than that because it won't work) and keep it there for two minutes. You will notice it releases!! Once it softens, pull in a different direction or move to another area and do it again. Once you've done that for a while, you can start some more 3D work. Gently grab your breast and pull it outwards (I grab my nipple and do this) once you reach the point of resistance, hold it there again for two minutes. As it releases you can pull it out father. Change directions like you did with your one dimensional work. As long as your following the principles (not going beyond the point of resistance) you can do it all day long. Yogies, Think about it kind of like stretching. If you go too far you hurt yourself and you actually end up more tight because you're now injured. If you go just to the point of resistance and breath and don't fight it, your muscles will stretch and you will be able to go even farther. my therapist also used some substance as an example... I can't remember what it is but it's something that if you try to push your fingers through, it's hard like cement, and you can not sink your fingers into it. But if you rest your fingers on it without a lot of pressure your fingers will slowly sink into it... Like your fingers are melting it. You can also use pressure to release... just remember not to cause pain or you are being counter productive. It should feel good, but productive... just like stretching does. Try to visualize the scar tissue melting away... think of butter or something. The mind and body are so connected! which reminds me... be kind to your boobies... be gentle and west to them and tell them you love them ;) I hope this helps some of you!! Let me know if you need clarification on anything?? xx

Almost 5 months post explant and 2 months post fat transfer

Hi ladies! Some of you have been asking for an update so here you go! :) sorry it's taken me so long... I find with so many hours of myofascial release in addition to my regular routine has been taking up so much of my time! I feel quite happy these days. My adhesions still get me down and frustrate me at time but over all I've been in a much better place. Lefty is still caving in but I feel improvement every day with the myofascial work I've been doing. Really loving my right breast!! It's actually bigger than the left now (was non existent before the reconstruction) and it doesn't seem to be getting any smaller. Everything has pretty much stayed the same since the initial swelling went down... Maybe a month ago? I've been going braless all the time and feeling quite co docent and cute with my little perky boobies! Not quite there yet on the confidence front naked... But I think once the huge scars fade and the adhesions improve more I will be. And my husband is still very turned on by me naked so that's all that matters ;) My surgeon has starting injecting cortisol into my left areola scar to help soften it, and I've had one laser treatment already on the big scars, which definitely lightened them quite a bit. I still plan to have at least one more fat transfer procedure if not more, depending on how the adhesions respond. Most likely I will wait a good amount of time before doing so since I'm feeling quite pacified now. (Maybe a very small one just under nipple though??) Oh and most of the lumpiness is softening and my breasts feel softer, but not totally natural yet. I think it takes up to a year for the fat to completely integrate into the breast and feel normal. Love and hugs to all one you! Xx

FAT TRANSFER Better pics and donor sites :D

Put a little makeup on my explant scars just for fun... Much better to look at ;) and when nipples are erect you can hardly see lefty sinking in. :D I also wanted to share with you all my donor sites as some of you have been asking! First pic laying down relaxed... No issues. Second pic, you can see some irregularity. This only happens when I'm laying down and touching my toes together. (You can see a crease from my cannula incision down to my inner thigh... This wasn't there before. Not sure yet if it's permanent or if it will improve.) 3rd picture standing up... My thighs used to touch each other! The scars are small... He made them uneven on purpose so they don't look like Lipo scars. Not super thrilled with the placement but not sure it would have been possible to do any better. All things considered I'm very happy. The difference in the breasts is small (only transferred 125 cc total (something like 85cc in small side and 40 in my bigger side) but makes a big difference in my confidence as the contour deformities in my breasts are almost completely gone now :D I'm excited for my next procedure but doc and I both agree we should wait. In the meantime he is going to use a needle to try to release my areola from the lump of scar tissue it is attached to as the moment. Possibly next week already?! I will keep you all posted. Supposedly it is easy and quick and will be done under local. BTW these pics are taken in a mirror (which always looks so much better for some strange reason?) so the lefty (caving nipple) is actually on your left when looking at the pics. Love to you all! Xx

Pics I've been too ashamed of to share. And today!

Hi ladies! I'm hardly ever on here anymore... I've just been trying to keep myself busy and not think about my boobs! :) I'm so sorry to those I haven't responded to. Your love and support is much appreciated and I promise to get back to all of you eventually! Here are some pics that I've been pretty ashamed of and didn't have the courage to post. Try not to throw up in your mouth! Ha! And the ones at the bottom I took today. I haven't noticed s lot of volume loss since the first month. I'm hoping things stay his way. I'm looking forward to my second procedure but I'm not sure if I should wait or not. Looking at bugsbunny' pics are making me think that I should have waited before having my first FT! She looks amazing and time alone healed her! But patience has never been a virtue of mine! I'm pretty happy with the way things are looking but I do get frustrated with my left nipple which is still sinking in and being pulled to the left. I also go back and forth between feeling grateful for dr Feng and her muscle repair, and wishing that I didn't put the big scars on my body. I feel like they are the biggest reason I have symmetry problems. I guess no point in dwelling though... It is what it is and I will never really truly know if I would look better without them. Health wise I'm doing great!!! I've been exercising (lightly) every day for the past week and no fatigue!! I've also been able to wake up much earlier in the morning! Woohoo!! Love and hugs to all xx

Almost 4 months post fat transfer

Wanted to post a few more before and after pics for those who are thinking about a fat transfer. I'm about 7 months post explant now and 4 months post FT. My results are subtle (only 45 cc's to one breast and 75cc's to the other) but I'm very happy with the difference it's made. All photos were taken without erect nipples which is the least flattering because they sink, but wanted to show a realistic comparison. When nipples are erect they don't appear to be sinking at all. 4th photo in flexing. I realize now I had unrealistic expectations that the FT would completely get rid of my adhesions. But I can see some improvement for sure. The best cure for this I've found is not flexing while looking in the mirror! Ha! I can't wait for my second procedure! I'm trying to wait as long as I can but I'm getting pretty anxious to do it... I'm thinking maybe December. I'll keep you all posted. Xx
Cleveland Plastic Surgeon

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