Oh lordy I don't know where to start... !! I have...
Oh lordy I don't know where to start... !! I have never felt happy with how I look since a young age when I used to compare myself to other girls. I have spent 10 years ruining relationships due to my self confidence issues. I have listened to endless hurtful comments about 'beef curtains' etc from endless tossers... I feel like the last 10 years I have carried this weight on my shoulders. I realise it's completely stupid and down to media representations and the porn industry, and I also realise guys can be immature pricks and I should love myself and be happy with my body bla bla bla ! But I've got to the point where I think... this issue consumes me and I'm fed up of worrying about it so I might as well change it ! I've saved up a part deposit and putting the rest on a credit card. My date is 29th July!
I am sooo excited but also a bit nervous. I mean obviously because I am mortified that I'm about to go and get my poor fanny butchered but you gotta make light of it I guess!! I am most nervous about losing sensation..So if anyone could give me any words of reassurance/experience in that area that would be great however I have chosen a doctor with very good reviews and from some of the other girls experiences on here I'm feeling very positive that it will go well.
Not gonna lie this is the most weirdest thing lying on the bathroom floor with my fanny out taking pics lol but this group has been so helpful for me so I am going to try and update it daily. I will upload a pic at some point today from my mobile, rather than having the fear of someone finding them on the office comp lol!
So six days until the op..... EEeeeeeeeeeek!
So here is the before. This is the most unflattering thing ever because I've realised a) how fat my ass looks and b) how uneven my skin is lol. As u can see it's very flappy and it's almost like they taunt me with big long hands that wave at me. Even though it's still days before the procedure I'm still not 100% sure what I'm going to ask for. I think I'm going to say trim method get 99% of it off but don't strip me bare so it's like some weird big crater hole.
Pre-op and healing advice please?!
So my op is 9am tomorrow moring I am very nervous and excited but I wanted to ask everyone's advice for what they used after the procedure?? I am UK based so any products you can recommend or tips would be great!
So far I just have arnica and antibiotic cream, and coconut oil which I will use at a later date for scarring. What pain killers worked best or creams. I know diet is essential I will be stocking up on lots of fruit and vege and orange juice.
Had the op!!
29 Jul 2015
Day of treatment
So I am back home and recovering !!!! So I got round to having my procedure at about quarter to ten in the end. But stayed a good few hours after because the anaesthetic made me feel a bit ropey. Nothing bad just a bit wobbly and dizzy. I haven't even had a look down there yet.... I know I said I'd update with pic but honestly I'm a bit scared to. I told the surgeon I wanted to be left wit half a cm before I went in and after the op he was all like yeah I've taken it all off as I've realised ur very nervous about this op and I don't think it's worth you coming back again and getting yourself into a tizz. Well that has freaked me out a bit and so I just don't want to look right now !! I feel a bit emosh and tired from the anaesthetic so just going to take it easy for now. BUT I can feel that there is much less down there so that's a start !!! Basically I'm just not too good with blood so I want it all to dry out before I start fiddling around with it. I am still worried about losing sensation so I am sat here trying to think of dirty thoughts to see if anything happens down there Lol!!! Going to sit here and ice all day and when I've plucked up courage I will have a look down there and post a pic..... So the scary op bit is now over thank god ! I was like a bowl of jelly in there literally it's very daunting
The day after....
Ok so yesterday was the op. Was home by 3pmish and tucked up in bed. Yesterday was a lot more agile and less painful but I think this is due to all the medication I was dosed up on!! I could walk easily a little bit funny but no pain. Have kept taking arnica pills for bruising and iced lots and also used arnica cream for bruising. Actually slept fine as well I didn't wash the first day as I thought the poor things probably needs rest.
So today I am sat in bed feeling a little worse for wear pain is much worse today, throbbing sore and twingey but nothing to cry about. I am avoiding getting up for anything but just lying in bed watching tv! I am actually too sore to even ice today, has anyone had this before. I am also very black and blue on my labia which is a bit scary looking but I know this won't last :)
So today I am feeling a little miserable due to the fact I think my healing time is taking so long. I know it can take up to 6 weeks so I'm not worried I'm just feeling like one of the unlucky ones with an extra long time. I guess mine were so thick before that it was bound to be longer. Must admit I am feeling very scared today, one of my labia has regained colour and starting to look pink again while the other one is still dark purple and isn't making a lot of improvement. I'm sure it's because I'm by myself and with only my thoughts keeping me company I'm scared that it's not going to regain blood supply and drop off!!! Did anyone else have to wait a while before colour/life came back ? Is there anything I can do to hurry up the process. I have literally been bed bound for the past 4 days and every time I get up I bleed so I don't think its advisable to be up and about right now. ! It still looks like a messy car crash down there and I now understand what people mean when they say roller coaster of emotions cos sometimes I'll be sat there thinking yay can't wait until it's healed and then sometimes I'll have a look at it and just break down and think omg what have I done !! Just want to get to the point where I can say ahhh I'm DEFS on the road to recovery and past the worst bit. Still don't want to post pics yet as it really is very unsightly!
Today I am so much happier! I realise I am not out of the woods yet however it's the first day I've woken up and though oh my God yes I am on my way. I can work out it actually is a vagina rather than some messed up mangled axe wound and I am so happy for this. It's still very very swollen so I know in terms of appearance it's going to change and improve. A little part of me is thinking he hasn't taken enough off but right now I'm not bothered I just want to be healed and active again. I also think if it was the other way round and he'dtaken loads off Id probably be freaking out about that. I worried about sensation most and I'm pretty sure everything is live and kicking down there so wouldn't want to jeopardise that. I can see how easy it is to get obsessive over this stuff my camera roll is just full of pics and I keep comparing but honestly the best advice someone said is to stop looking at you'll feel much better. Starting to regain colour in my right labia now thank god cos I was really expecting to wake up and see it loose on the bed or something. Still a bit scared to upload pics, I will do it in a few days hopefully but what I looked like down there was nothing I've ever seen on here before!!!
Please help :(
Today I am freaking out and very upset as I think something has gone wrong. Well I know something has gone wrong. The tip of my right labia has gone black and really hard and I think it has lost blood flow. As you can see everything else is on the mend although still a bit gory at least it's looking pink and healthy. I can't get hold of any nurses and my surgeon is on holiday for a week!! Great! I am literally shaking with fear and can't think rationally as Im so scared. The fact that everything else has gone back to normal colour makes me realise the contrast between the two. It's not like it's dark purple or red and just bruised it is as BLACK as night. Please can someone advise me on what to do next :( had to happen to me....sigh
Panic over...I think...
So feeling a bit more reassured after yesterday's panic attack lol. My surgeon was on holiday so went to see his replacement the other side of London. He has said he doesn't think it's anything too serious to worry about rather than just a slightly longer healing time. He said if it was anything serious to do with circulation I would feel LOTS of pain and I don't so that's reassuring. He said there is a bit of an infection so I've been prescribed some antibiotics and told to take ibroprofen not paracetamol. I also asked for a cream to help blood flow and he looked in his big index of treatments and found me a cream. Nearly 100 quid later and I feel slightly better but still anxious. I asked him what his gut instinct was and he said it will heal within the next 4 weeks. So fingers and toes are crossed. Worst scenario is an extra cm or so will be trimmed.....great....
I'm not really sure about terms and conditions I'm sure every clinic has different policies but can't help feeling like I shouldn't be paying this and it should be included in the aftercare ? Not bothered at all if not I will pay anything for my health! just curious....anyway to sum it up reassured I've seen a professional and I'm not about to wake up to a lose dead flap on the bed lolol if I don't laugh I'll cry...
Day 12... bit sad.. need advice
So this is the first review I've done in days. I've had a bit of a hard time the last 2 weeks and haven't been on here due to dealing with infection and healing etc. ! My infection got worse and I had to go back to the doctors about 3 more times for different antibiotics and checkups. It has been really awful and scary and there have been days where I wish I could have turned back time and days where I have been so angry and upset and like WHY ME why me why did mine have to be such a painful scary ordeal. It's been extra hard as I was so very very nervous before the op and well it's been hell to be honest. I am finally on the mend. After seeing all colours of the rainbow it has improved massively the last few days and the black bit is starting to scab off. I have been told that it would drop off eventually. The reason I'm writing this update is because I need everyone's advice. I feel like my treatment as a patient has been not so great and I just wanted to hear some opinions on what I should do next. I'm not going to mention surgeon's name for now so we'll call him Dr X.
I wish I could go back in time and choose a different doctor. It's my own fault for not going with my gut instinct. I paid £150 for my consultation for no more than 15 minutes. I voiced that I wasn't sure which one to have and general ending of meeting was to go away and think about it. He said if I'm still unsure I could book another consultation before the operation and we could go over it then,I just saw dollar marks in his eyes and I should have chosen a different surgeon then and there. I spoke to his PA afterwards for 10 mins and she was 100% more helpful. She also told me that I would have a chance to talk it over with him before the operation. The day of my operation he walked into the clinic as if he was hungover. He was unshaven demanding a coffee and when he came into the ward he had dirty stains on his blue overalls. I admit I am a nervous person, I am a bit of a worrier. But in MY opinion this is completely normal due to the circumstances and completely expected given the nature of the operation. He asked me how I was and I said I am terrified and nervous. Rather than assuring me I felt even worse before theatre. I signed the form first and then he said 'Due to the shape of your labiaplasty I think the best option for us is for me to decide which procedure I'm going to use while you’re on the table'. I was like woah woah wait wait aren't you going to look at me now so we can talk about it. He was like do you want me to look at you?? (ummm YES?!) I can't choose which method now I will only be able to decide when you're in theatre. I panicked and I felt tears come just at the pure rush of it all. I was so nervous and I should have stood up for myself and said something like umm excuse me at the price of £4,000 I think I am entitled to at least TEN effing minutes to sit and discuss issues before I have this life changing operation. I should have been more ballsy and I get that could be potentially my fault but then why the hell should I have to be acting like that in the first place?! It's not my job to beg the surgeon! Anyways he sat down with me while I started to undress and he almost looked pissed off at the fact he had to sit down. It was like he was dying to get out that seat. I started fiddling about with my labia. I wanted to tell him I wanted the majority of it off but to leave half a cm, I said I was worried not enough was going to be taken off but in his rush rush manner he said overall goal was to improve appearance of labia although he still didn't state how. He got up and went to leave the room saying bye and I said oh my god wait am I not going to see you again before surgery and NO JOKES he said "oh my god I actually need to get on with the operation Ellie otherwise nothing will be done!!" In a half joking but half irritated way. The nurses laughed as if I was overreacting or being dramatic and it almost made me feel embarrassed. He was in the room with me for about 5 minutes and I didn’t get to say which method would be used, I didn’t get to see pen marks I didn’t get to say anything it was just rushed and he just seemed so irritated when I did try and speak and question his methods! The nurse was lovely though and was like oh my god don't worry he is soo good at his job you will be so happy he is professional he has carried out loads of these bla bla bla which reassured me but I still had so many questions I wanted to tell him I didn't want the wedge method. I thought he was going to use a marker pen, I thought I would be able to stand up and SHOW him what I wanted where I wanted them to come out to etc etc. It was all such a blur and nerves get the better of you. And before I knew it I was on the table with anaesthetic going in and i just had to TRUST that everything would be okay and rely on his expertise. Since the operation I realised he used the wedge method, I then realised something wasn't right and I got a horrid infection. I rang the clinic and was told he was on holiday for a week in Italy. Great. I was sent to a clinic other side of London and seen by a Gyne who has never carried out a labiaplasty in his life and prescribed me some anti-bs for stomach acid?!? (Even the nurse at original clinic was unsure as to why I was prescribed them). All nurses at my clinic have been lovely I have been emailing them pics every day and they have been ringing to check up. I cried my eyes out at the clinic because at one point it really was such a disgusting infected mess, I showed one of the nurses a pic on my phone and even she said “oh wow, okay now I get why your scared”.
I know I am only 12 days in but my results look terrible. I still have an infection and I still have long dangly flaps?! To be honest they look even worse than they did before. They are still poking out a good 2cm and I can see that even with swelling going down they will be very prominent. I didn’t get a chance to say I didn’t want the natural edges that he assumed I wanted and chose for me anyway.
Sorry for the long long story but I just feel sooooo let down by this private surgeon. I just can’t get over the fact that I’ve paid £4,000 and (in my opinion) was treated so badly. I just don’t know where to go from here and how to come to terms with it. If I had amazing care and felt reassured and in trusted hands I would not care, I realise infection is a risk. And if my results were looking okay (again realise very early days) I would think oh well, s**t surgeon but good outcome. But no! I don’t have either right now! Both aspects have been rubbish! For now I am just trying to be brave and sensible and think that in 6 weeks time my results will be very different as I am still in the healing process but jesus muvva it has been a sad scary ordeal these last 2 weeks. Any advice appreciated. Xxx Maybe I need someone to say suck it up honey if he was that bad you should have walked away, but easier said than done when you’ve paid £4,000… sigh :(
Day 14... 2 weeks post op...
Oh my god oh lordy I THINK I can finally relax...
Just got back from my 2 weeks post op meeting and feel hell of a lot better. It's like a weight has been lifted I don't think I'm going to die and I don't think I'm going to drown myself in the bath. No but honestly I felt suicidal last week. The pure fear that stuff wasn't going to work itself out and I would never be able to enjoy sex or have a healthy relationship scared me so much. I was so scared and full of regret it really was not good. This shit aint healthy for my mental state man!!!!
Anyways so that disgusting offensive black bit that I had to look at every day for the past 2 weeks has gone. He pulled it right off didn't feel a fricking thing just as I thought it was just dead tissue, my Dr kept on saying it was a bruise but whatever you call it it's gone see you later, it was so weird seeing a big black blob on the tissue like oh.... that's just part of my vagina cotching there that I'll never see again!
I have been soaked in iodine and given 6 gauzes to put on the remaining labia. I have been given steroids and 2 sets of stronger antibiotics. £40 quid lighter but who gives a shit I'd pay a billion if it meant I could get better instantly. My swelling is still insane and that's what Dr was most concerned about he said this was due to the infection it has been delayed. So it still looks horrific down there but that's what the steroids are for. Hopefully they don't have any nasty side effects or I end up all muscly lol! Joking who cares as long as it makes me feel better. They give you energy so who knows maybe it means I'll actually do some work this week instead of watching Jeremy Kyle feeling sorry for myself.
I'm still not entirely happy with the way I was treated I think it was outrageous that I was so rushed and made to feel so nervous however I'm not as angry as I was and I think that's because maybe just maybe I can start to heal properly and feel a bit more relaxed now instead of all this pent up anger for my surgeon.
It was a bit bad actually it was like 2 weeks of anger build up all released in the space of 2 minutes very awkward. I told him I didn't even know what had been done to me after the op as I was sent home in such a rush. I had a full blown argument with him which resulted in him telling me he would take criticisms from me but not insults and suggested that if we were to have any kind of relationship and get everything fixed I should stop right now. I voiced ALL my concerns and told him how rushed I felt on the day, how I didn't get a chance to say what I wanted etc. I have now calmed down and realised as much as I think he was a massive see you next Tuesday I have to accept that my nerves and fear over the duration of 2 weeks got the better of me. I can't blame him, I can critisise his methods but I can't convince myself that HE caused this. I was adamant it was his breach of duty and care and negligence because I was in such a state of fear but fear makes u act in a silly way and I have to remember that infections ARE a possible outcome. Although I dunno maybe it's justifable I mean I DID have a black green brown murky pussy labia hanging off me ffs I'm only human. Anyways he DID apologise and tell me he was sorry that I felt like that on the day and it was never intended.
I still think he's a massive douche though because he then went all wacko on me and recommended I read a book which he wrote down and really advised me to read it before I next saw him. It was about self healing and how to be happy with oneself. I said excuse me thanks but no thanks I do plenty of yoga and exercise. I told him yes my labia were a MASSIVE issue for me and holding me back and this is why I was sat in the office now, this is why I was having the procedure. He carried on pushing the book on me and then told me that I would leave the office feeling really upset and deflated and I said no I wouldn't, quite the opposite I would feel a sense of relief that I'd seen him and happy that I didn't have black rotting flesh hanging off me and I could get on with the healing and learn I wasn't going to be permanently disfigured. I then carried on saying maybe if I could have seen him after my operation when I first had my concerns instead of being passed around to different nurses who told me they 'thought' I was going to heal I could have got this feeling much earlier. Anyways this obviously touched a nerve cause he stood up suddenly and said RIGHT ok Ellie goodbye bye bye bye and rubbed his hair and face in distress and ushered me out the door. I don't care 'cause I felt better after that dig.
I realise this makes me sound like a bulshy little girl and hopefully you don't think oh my god poor guy he had a right to go on holiday. It's more a case of how I was treated before, the fact that it was so incredibly rushed and it felt like once money rec'd all duty of care and empathy went out the window.
So anyways, hopefully he hasn't put poison in my medication and he did say at one point "I'm glad you've come in guns blazing because it means now we have a relationship"
Oh right okay cool thanks, and once I've read your book about my state of mind and self healing maybe we can go and hug some trees and take LSD and run around naked?No but all bitchyness aside I do feel a lot reassured now I feel myself again and hopefully this is the start of a second not so botched infected chapter so it's almost like I've set the timer again and my next point of reassessment on progress is going to be 2 weeks from now.
Anyone reading this who hasn't gone through the procedure yet please be warned that not everything always goes swimmingly. I unfortunately was one of the unlucky ones and my healing has taken way longer than I ever anticipated. You always think bad shit wont happen to you but be warned!! Also make sure you ask for oral antibiotics when you have your operation for me I think I would have felt a lot more at ease if I'd had them from day one and lots of girls I've spoken to on here were surprised I wasn't offered any.
I'm going to put pics up later but be warned it's stuff nightmares are made of and make sure you're not eating lol also thank you to EVERYONE who has messaged me or commented it was literally comments like yours that helped me get through the day any communication was good communication because it's been a lonely process! Xx
Need some comforting words...
Having a seriously hard time today... I came on my period yesterday which has made things a lot worse. I'm really hoping I can blame all the crying and mood swings on hormones but right now I just feel terrible. I will try and start with the positives... My infection has gone, my stitches have been taken out and my thrush has cleared up which are all good. The stitches were seriously starting to irritate and feel constricted and causing sharp pains and those have subsided a little bit which is good.
I am also on much better terms with my surgeon, I realise that he is not the big bad wolf after all and some of the things I said were uncalled for. I have to accept i have been one of the unlucky ones with my infection and what not.
I'm just having such a hard time beause I'm still not healed. There is one small section that is basically an open wound where that ghastly black bit had to be taken off.
I just feel like this is never ending, one thing after the other and emotionally,physically and mentally I'm so exhausted now. Why wont my body heal? Everyone on here seems to have had such an easy ride and I just find myself crying most days and as the days go on the regret starts to creep its way in accumulating more each day.
I realise everyone is different so this is whats seriously holding me together - the fact that everyone has different healing times and I'm a bit slower but it will still be okay. I'm 3 weeks post now.. At this stage are any others still experiencing swelling? Tingling? sharp pains? I STILL cant wear knickers (which is why its so hard today on my period) I still can't walk properly and there is still a bit of puss from the open wound.
Its so very hard to stay positive right now and hold it together, my bf is being great but of course but I still haven't been completely honest about what its all about so this makes it a lot harder not being able to open up properly.
My Dr has given me a cream to help the swelling now and has told me its a case of waiting for the wound to heal by itself and scab over. For me I just can't see light at the end of the tunnel! It's constantly damp down there with all the creams etc and now I'm on my period its sodden so how is it ever meant to heal? My Dr said you're doing everything right it will improve slowly you just have to be patient Ellie.
I just so want to fast forward 2 months time or just to a place where everything is in tact, healed and I can fricking walk again. Really feeling very depressed and lonely these past 2 days. If anyone has any kind words or advice that would be so great because I'm really having a hard time right now :( thanks.. from a defeated and broken Ellie x
3 weeks post
This was before I had stitches out It looks better then than it does today. That white area has now gone sore and puss keeps coming off where it's just not healing. Sorry for gross pic it needs a good old clean and disinfect
Here is a pic of today. Sorry for goreyness you can tell I'm on the blob. It's is looking pinker and neater and like I said th infection has gone thank god. Dr and nurses have both said doesn't look like there is a sign of infection so it just has to heal. How can I be patient with it though. I can't understand how an open wound down there is just meant to heal alone! It could take week and by that time it may have all dropped off. I wasn't happy before but I'm still not happy it's a horrid feeling I think it looks so messed up down there what do you all think? I don't care how much labia there is anymore I don't care if it hangs to my knees lol I just want it to be HEALED!! Sorry for the hairy Mary lol
Day 25 and I am feeling much better :)
Today is the first day I have woken up and had a look and feel so much better. Although not still fully healed 100% yet I am feeling much more positive. There is no puss or goo when I wipe anymore and stinging sharp twinges are definitely starting to subside. The nystaform cream I was given last wed has literally been like magic for me. My thrush has gone and this in turn has allowed the swelling to gradually decrease it's really looking completely different from a week ago. It's absolutely crazy how your physical AND mental state can change so much in a week. Good part of a month and I can finally feel like my situation is improving. This has definitely been one of the most hardest things I have ever gone through and it's been so tough that I've done it alone. I do still feel very incredibly unlucky that stuff has been this bad for me. The infection was so very horrible and I will always look back and shudder! I'm not trying to scare anyone out of the procedure but can't stress enough how important it is to not walk into it thinking 'it won't happen to me'. That's how I thought, I avoided horror stories because I thought no I don't want to scare myself and then I ended up being one of those stories! I'm just glad it turned out okay in the end. I was in denial for a while but the last two weeks I have spent regretting the procedure. I have cried more times in the last month than I ever have in my life. I looked at my before pics and sobbed and wished for them back! I looked at pics on here and envied the reviews who had not yet had it done! It's been the most crazy up and down experience and I'm sure there will be a few more to come! I think i read a few reviews where they healed really well really fast and then you assume it's going to be the case for you but looking back I now realise I was getting so worked up when I should have given it much longer to heal! Obviously infection DID NOT HELP IN ANY WAY but now I'm giving until the 3 month mark to assess whether or not it's worth it! I think also you do need to go in knowing exactly what you want. If you don't know yet, wait until you do know. I knew I wanted my appearance better and smaller etc but due to lack of experience I didn't know how that could be achieved. I think my surgeon realised how uneasy I was and how I didn't really know and took control of that and said I will take control in the theatre and I came out not knowing at all what had happened really! That's the worst scenario because you then only have yourself to blame. If it takes a year to finally decide what you want then do it. There is absolutely no rush! I got into the state of mind that I wanted it done as soon as I had the money but in hindsight I so should have spent weeks or even months working out what and how I wanted it. I still have labia poking out a bit and what's left (ha) of my labia but in some ways I'm grateful for that. The one thing you realise is how much sensation is in those flappy beef curtains! I spent my whole life thinking I wanted rid of them but then I think about sex and orgasms and think you're chopping away all that extra sensation! Anyway I've rambled on for bloody ages !! Hopefully as from today no more regret..no more sleepless nights and crying! And hopefully no more infections. Just onwards and upwards to FINALLY healing properly 100% and HOPEFULLY being happy with the procedure so I can get on with my life!
11 weeks mark
18 Sep 2015
2 months post
Wow 11 long weeks.... Honestly the hardest toughest weeks of my life without a doubt.
I'm not writing this review to say oh my god never get this ever and to scare people but rather just to share my experience. Don't want to be the negative nancy on here as I can see that everything has gone so well for most of the girls on here and I'm truly happy for them.
It's hard to write this without tears to be honest!! Cause writing it on here is like admitting it to yourself! It is with a very heavy heart that I say here I WISH I had never got the surgery. I already look at my life in two separate time frames - before surgery and after. I can't believe I've put myself through all this stress for the sake of a few comments from nasty immature boys. The only thing I can say is I wasn't happy before. In my head I thought I would never be happy until I had this surgery. I literally thought it would solve everything! My surgeon asked me if my life would be better once I'd had it and I was like oh my god definitely!! And he told me hmmmm be careful it's not always the way. And I actually thought umm you;re a guy what would you know about this. Well how right was he!! Sometimes you have to learn though and boy have I learnt the hard way. I mean if I had never got the surgery I would still be unhappy and forever wishing. I can't turn back time so now I have to live with this mistake its the most depressing thing I have ever had to come to grips with. I don't think I will ever.
If I could have fast forwarded to the future and gone through what I'm going now oh my god I wouldn't have even considered it. Nearly 4k and I have well and truly messed up. I literally read my reviews on here from before the surgery and every word hits me so hard cause I think oh my god you so shouldn't have worried about anything! For me, it's one of those things where you don't realise what you're missing until it's gone. I was one of the unlucky ones, my surgery fucked up and literally a part of my labia went black and dropped off. I mean seriously how messed up is that that I ever even put myself at that risk. You always think it's not going to happen to you and it did. I get these waves of sickness sometimes at what I've done and how I can't ever change it. I literally look back and think about my labia and I miss them so much! I actually miss them and would do ANYTHING to turn back time. I am over 11 weeks and I still have so much pain, I am still in so much discomfort. Where the dead skin fell out in the middle it means i have this pathetic tiny hanging bit which catches on everything and it feels like a sharp needle stinging it. It's sooooooo tender and sensitive. I literally can hardly touch it. All that extra skin that I used to hate so much I cant believe I ever got rid of it! Because now everything feels tight and stretched and tender. I mean yeah I wasn't the most confident person in bed before but I had some good old rough sex and wouldn't have to worry about anything. Now I still wince a bit when I wipe after a wee. Before I thought I was ugly... and now I am ugly and messed up down there. It all looks unnatural and my scars are prominent, oh yeah not to mention the chunk missing from my right labia. I have suffered from such bad depression and mood swings. I can be walking along feeling fine and then it will catch and I will burst into tears in the street because its like a constant reminder that (in my own stupid words) I have butchered my fanny. I took to heart a few stupid comments from some guys that I'll probably never see again in my life and because I couldn't get over my inhibitions I'm now in fear that I will never want to have sex with anyone. My quality of life has changed. DECREASED obviously. I haven't been on a run for 11 weeks as I am in too much pain. I walk along and even when the sun is out and its hot and the sky is blue I feel like there is a cloud over me - regret is a horrid feeling!!! I'm seriously hoping that it will be different soon but I think 11 weeks is still quite a bit of time to be having so much discomfort. If I sit on a chair I have to sit right on the edge as I can't put any pressure on my vagina. Most of the time I sit with my legs crossed. I am STILL not wearing knickers...........Thats how sensitive it is. I think the thing that hits the hardest is I finally broke down and told my boyfriend about this insecurity and he was so shocked. He didn't have a clue that I had ever felt insecure with sex. He told me this is the most crazy thing he's ever seen and that he loves me for me and doesn't care how I look. That literally made me want to throw up. I've told myself all along that I'm doing it for me and noone else but now I've realised after all of this that that's not entirely true. I just haven't been with the right guys. There are so many guys out there who do not give a flying fuck what you look like down there and nor should you. If you felt like any guy ever thought differently then he's not worth your time! To think about what I have put my poor body through is awful. I know I sound like a new reborn feminist and I've rambled on and and on I guess I'm just trying to stress if you are having this surgery because you're worried about being 'ugly' and embarrassed when it comes to having sex and inhibitions with guys then you do NOT need to worry because every girl is beautiful and individual with how they are! You shouldn't try and change it like I did. Guys would rather have a NATURAL fanny than a butchered one. Funny because for so long I used to look at my fanny and wish that nothing was visible, wish that it was 'neater'and "omg i just want nothing hanging out" HAHA god when I think back. I think surgeons (or mine anyway) just see it like cutting away hair or something, like a snip here and a snip there put it back together la la la la but think about how delicate your vagina is!!! All those nerve endings all that pink fragile tissue to have it sliced up is just so very wrong and to be honest I am ashamed. I hope I'm not sounding judgmental haha i mean i did it ffs!!! But your meant to share your journey and experience and this is what I'm doing. I realise it could have gone the other way, it could have gone amazingly and I might not have looked back! Unfortunately it hasn't, and I really regret it. But sometimes you do have to learn the hard way and I wouldn't wish this upon anyone so if this deters one person from doing it I'll feel happy. Again, I am really not being judgemental here, because I gave into insecurities and did it but boy I wish I hadn't!
In all of this I've come to realise I'm so unhappy with myself for doing this, for not loving myself, for not treating my body with respect, for treating my body like some dirty secret. Learn to love yourselves girls.
upset with my surgeon and want to take action :(
Hi guys, I know I haven't written on here for a while but to be honest its too painful!! Had to delete all my pics cause it made me too sad to look at my old vagina. I'm much better now though. Stuff has improved (mentally) for me. I've talked to my boyfriend and hes been so helpful i think that was the worst thing not being able to talk to anyone properly! He thought I was nuts and couldnt believe i went ahead with it hes most upset that i didnt tell him or give him the chance to even comment. He says he loves me for who i am and is sad that i went through this all alone. Anyway yada yada the reason im on here today is to try and be positive and take steps to start to be happy again! Nothing is ruined forever so I shall stop wallowing and dreaming about my old vagina lol. I have to draw a line under all this and try look to the future and work out how I'm gonna be happy again!
So I've come on here for advice today from all you ladies. The fact is its been over 14 weeks now and I'm still in a serious bit of discomfort and pain. I can't run I can't exercise I can't cross my legs I'm STILL not wearing knickers. I can't put any weight on that area. Hard to explain but for example when i stand up off a sofa or something I have to help myself up using my hands and when I sit down I have to lower myself down to avoid putting any weight on it. I asked docs on here a while ago about pain and discomfort and they all said 11 weeks post op pain/discomfort is NOT normal. I'm CERTAIN that it's the way my surgeon has stitched me. The remaining 'flaps' don't hang anymore but rather they have been stitched into the side of me?! Does that make sense? So rather than anything hanging down naturally they are literally stitched to my inner flaps. This is whats causing me the pain. I cant shave properly because its stuck in such an unnatural way. I've never seen this before on anyone elses?! My surgeon literally thinks he can just stitch anything to anywhere and its going to be fine but in my opinion this is just weird. I really feel like this is whats causing me the pain because everything is healed wound wise. I also have this weird gimpy little pinky thing that hangs off in an awkward way and gets caught to stuff which hurts. This is where I lost blood supply to my right labia (again mr fucking jigsaw over here just stitching stuff heavy handedly willy nilly) and so there is a chunk in the middle missing and the upper bit is so thin it gets caught. The main pain source though is from my left labia. He used the wedge method and managed to get rid of a lot of skin but the way hes sewn it back up and then attached it to my skin in that weird way has just meant its under constant pressure and its always swollen and sore :( I'm still using nystaform which helps with swelling but its like grrrrr this is so far ahead now i should not be dealing with permanent swelling JUST from normal activities! Needless to say I am clearly not having sex right now!!! Those of you that have read the full story you'll see I havent had the best relationship with my surgeon but I just hate the guy!! I've paid all this money to improve my life and it's actually made it worse. I'm unhappier than I was before!! I've paid thousands of pounds to make myself miserable it's just insane!!! He's the most manipulative guy I've ever met and I'm fed up with how he makes me feel. He told me I had emotional issues that were always gonna come out eventually and this is the reason I'm so upset about this. Ummmmm no! I'm upset because I'm in fucking pain!!! I don't CARE about how I look anymore I just dont want to be in PAIN. He told me that my worrying is out of proportion. Even on the day of surgery he took me aside and said afterwards "we werent going to do the surgery today cos u were so worried but we decided it was the best thing in the end otherwise youd feel worse otherwise" Ummm I was worried because you were hurrying me so much and didn't even let me get undressed so we could talk the procedure over! Every girl on here will know that we have a REASON to worry!!! This is a life changing operation and honestly I think if a girl wasn't worried before THAT would be weird! He recommended me books to read about how you can heal yourself from the inside and told me I wouldnt be happy until I'd read this book. He constantly ushers me out the room and gets angry at me when I ask questions about pain and I KNOW he thinks I am inventing them. Jesus i sound crazy writing this but you have to believe me he is a very nasty man who is very manipulative. Luckily I'm not stupid though and do not fall for the bait. I cried in his office and he told me I didn't need to talk to anyone and that would be the worst thing I could do right now instead he told me that sometimes its healthy to have secrets.
He's told me I need a revision, he wants to cut more away on the left (the area that is soooo tender and sore :( ) and also wants to stitch that loose little bit INTO my fricking skin. In my opinion this is just going to cause MORE pain in the long run not to mention a completely un natural weird look that means i can never shave the hair around that area cos essentially it would mean shaving over my labia!! I know its hard to explain without pics im sorry for that its just my pics are linked to my sisters phone and the thought of her seeing my fanny like this just horrifies me lol. But imagine your vagina...BEFORE you had surgery.. imagine your flaps that you hate so much (and i miss so much) and then imagine him purposefully stitching them flat against your skin so you cant feel in between. You open your legs and all you feel is labia and you can't move the labia. It's so weird and sore and basically means every time im sat down its like im squashing them no wonder they are always swollen.
Anyways he wants to do a revision but I am absolutely terrified of going anywhere near him. I have now arranged a consultation with Angelica Kavouni. It's for a month away and oh my god i wish i had gone with her in the first place. I've just paid for the consultation so i can get a second opinion and see what she thinks about his weird technique and then I'm going to work out what to do next. I am just going to stress I really just dont want to be in pain! If I have to have a procedure with her so be it because you cannot put a price on just being happy and painfree.
My boyfriend is completely mad and wants to come and meet my current surgeon. He is like oh my god this is ridiculous he CANNOT get away with it he hasn't done his job get your money back!! And I can't help feeling he's right. I've paid 4k to be in pain?! it just doesnt work out. I want to complain next time I see my surgeon and tell him I'm going elsewhere but I just want some advice pleaseeeeee what would you do if you were me? I don't just want to be walked over and accept this as my fate! I don't just want to lie down and and not fight this. I said I didn't care about the money and I don't but why should I have to be paying for the procedure second time round?! To fix his mistakes! I feel I've been treated really badly by this guy throughout this whole ordeal. Basically my whole right labia dropping off and going black!! is traumatic enough!!! I know there are risks with this surgery but I had to walk around for TEN DAYS! with a mouldy green orange black DYING labia before he was back from his holiday!!!
I want to say to this guy please god let me just get my money back and go elsewhere as I'm really not happy with my results but I think what chance do I stand!? I wouldnt even know where to begin with legalities etc. I mean i signed the form to agree he would "improve physical appearance" and instead I am miserable and in lots of pain. I don't want him to think this is a case of body dis-morphia I just want to be pain free!!
I think my next actions are:- see Angelica and get her results. I really really have a strong feeling she will turn around and say oh deary me what HAS happened here? In which case do I then go with her? ask for money back from current surgeon? Please any advice on this i would be sooooo grateful i know ive talked for bloody britain but I am just trying to get my life back on track and ANY answers would be so grateful, thanks xx