Ok. One year update: I'm gonna tell you what NOT to do, so you can learn from my mistakes...

This has been quite the emotional and physical journey.
Breast reduction is something I've wanted for more than twenty five years, something I'd been working toward, researching and waiting for the perfect time and situation. So it's not like I didn't have time to do this right. But apparently I learn everything by doing it the wrong way first. You know that Sinatra song, My Way? Well, my way is the wrong way, at least five times, before I figure stuff out. It's like I have to learn all the wrong ways of doing stuff before I learn my right way, whether it's relationships, school, parenting, life skills, you name it. I try to research and study to prevent the worst of my tendencies, and the older I am the better I am at being, well, myself. I thought I'd prepared enough for my reduction, and in some ways I was on point and totally prepared. But there are a few things I did wrong. I wasn't going to do this update, but writing helps me vent and re-orient and come to terms, so I'm gonna do it, even if no one ever makes it down this far to the bottom of my review and reads this. I don't have money to fix my FUBAR breasts, and I can. not. tell. you. how unhappy I am, so here's hoping writing about it helps. Fingers crossed.

No one understands what it's like to need a breast reduction for years, except for us. It's a particular kind of hellish existence, but to outsiders it doesn't seem that bad, or indeed bad at all. And no one else but us understands the extraordinary relief of a reduction and getting to know and love a new body, a body that doesn't cause physical and emotional pain. I don't have to explain the before and after because this is the rare surgery with an extraordinarily high happiness approval. People are as happy after reduction as they were unhappy before, and that's pretty damn happy. The physical and emotional relief are intense. I don't want anyone to screw up the way I did, to be in the situation in which I currently find myself.

My pain is almost totally gone. The stabbing in my neck, the electric pain in my shoulders and arms, the throbbing in my back...gone. I didn't think the pain relief would be this effective and widespread. So that's a giant plus in the pro-surgery column. I look better in clothes, it's easier to walk and to yoga, it's easier to sleep, even. In all the important ways, this surgery was a brilliant success.

However. My [RS bleep] are hideous. How bad can they be, you ask? I'll tell you. They were one hell of a lot prettier when they were saggy, distorted G cups. They are shaped badly, so badly I have a difficult time shopping for bras. It was hard bra shopping before, and it's still hard. My nipples are bizarre, and I have massive scarring that is ugly and causes pain even a year later.

All of this could have been prevented by going to a better surgeon. Apparently my doctor was a wound specialist before he qualified in plastic surgery, so you'd think he would be twice as good as anyone else. He isn't. And he's a giant arse, to boot. If you're going to act like Dr. House, you better be as good as House. If you're not, you're just a dick. There are surgeries where bedside manner doesn't matter, or indicate expertise. This isn't one of them. Breast reduction is emotional. If your doctor doesn't get that, he or she has no business operating on you. If they are impatient or bored by your concerns or questions, keep looking. Even if you have to go to a lot of first meetings with surgeons, I'm telling you, it's worth it. The time you take to meet surgeons in their offices, not just looking up their reviews, is an investment in your future happiness. There are a lot of plastic surgeons, so don't put up with a bad personality, or even an iffy one.

I'm going to go into the specifics of my bad surgeon in my next update.

So this happened:
My neighbor asked me when I was going to have my reduction.

The nurse at my kid's dermatologist asked me when I was going to have my reduction.

My mom drove in to visit from out of state and said "I don't want to cause any feelings here, but I expected you to look a lot flatter after surgery."

Last week was bad. This week? Fu#k me.

I researched this for YEARS. I longed for this for DECADES.

I did what I was supposed to; why did I end up with crap boobs? Is it because it was paid through insurance? Is it because I'm middle aged? Plus sized? Brunette? I look like his ex-wife? WHAAAAAT? This was SO IMPORTANT to me. How did it go so wrong?

I've had to be taped up until recently, even though I'm exactly three months post op, because of lingering infections and bleeding. My breasts have been hard and pointy (quite normal, according to reviews), and while I wasn't thrilled with the pointy shape, but I was happy with the size, because I thought I had small C cups (I requested a small C/large B). I begged the doctor to veer smaller, even as I went under on the table; I pleaded for him to give me small breasts.

Now they've softened and dropped down really quickly and it seems my breasts are large D cups, maybe even DD. Additionally, they've gone boxy, also really fast. They look decent when my arms are raised, but they are square-ish when my hands are down. I went out of my way to avoid the only two surgeons in my little town, because all of their 'after' photos looked really boxy. I went out of my way to stick with Dr. Hall, even though his personality was so off putting during the first appointment, because his 'after' photos looked good. And, I went out of my way to discuss the boxy issue with him, because it worried me so much. I also questioned him about the effect of operating on breasts while the arms are raised. I wanted confirmation that it didn't affect the end result, and he blew me off by saying it didn't matter. If my breasts are much prettier with my arms up, it seems like it does in fact matter. The third issue is my nipples. They both point toward my armpits, both are sunken in, and my left nipple is larger than my right one. If YOU were trimming a pair of nipples, wouldn't you take a few extra minutes to make sure they were even? Of course you would. You're not a surgeon, so you probably don't rush through life as if every moment was a billable second. I've looked up doctors responses to other patients on this site, who have the same kind of nipple issues, and it seems that they are a result of a surgeon not using the right technique with a big reduction (standard inferior pedicle technique) (here is a link to a new, improved technique that seems to be much, much better than before: http://www.fastcodesign.com/1663319/how-one-surgeon-is-reinventing-the-female-breast-sfw).

I was under the impression that reductions covered by insurance received equal care and expertise as full, paying out of pocket patients. I don't actually know that my doctor half assed my surgery, or if he just isn't as talented as he thinks he his, and the photos on his website are the exceptions, not the rule. I don't know if my doctor thought I was too plus sized to go smaller. I don't know much at all, because he is flat out terrible at communicating and brushes questions and concerns aside as if they irritate him. He was so patronizing and made me feel like a moron for taking salt baths to heal my infections, when that was the only thing that really helped me heal, more than anything ( and I do mean ANYTHING; I tried every damn thing ), and he made me feel like I was wasting his time when I tried to bring up any concerns. I guess that's why I feel like he might have rushed my surgery; because he made me feel like he didn't have time for me before hand. I know doctors do thousands of surgeries, but it's an utterly unusual and vulnerable situation for patients. It's a big damn deal.

I was so happy with my post surgery size, when I felt so wonderfully flat compared to before (G cup...ANYTHING would have been flatter), but now that I've adapted a bit, I'm not nearly as copacetic. I wanted so much to be able to wear pretty bras that didn't have to do anything but look delicate and gorgeous. I wanted to go bra-less if I wanted to. That's not going to happen now. I look so much better with clothes on, but I still look like I've got a big chest.

This was covered by insurance, I couldn't have afforded it otherwise, and I've had a less than smooth road healing up, so I don't see how I can go smaller. I've been focused almost entirely on healing, and feeling relieved that I finally did the surgery after waiting so long, but now that I'm past that and focused on my end result, I'm so disappointed. I feel like crying.