23 Years Old and Done with Being the Token Fat Girl - Juarez, Mexico

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All my life I have been "the fat girl". There's...

All my life I have been "the fat girl". There's usually at least one in every circle. I had/have 2 personas as the fat girl. The first one is the "bad-a** b*tch". You know: no one can touch me, say it my face, general F-U attitude. The second one is the martyr: self-deprecating jokes, openly mock myself so someone else doesn't get the chance to do it behind my back.. You get it. But then there is the real me, and that's constantly changing; I'll tell you who I am now, in this moment.

Today I am a young adult that has so many accomplishments to be proud of: graduating high school as a junior, establishing a career, a year clean from drugs and self-mutilation; but for some reason I still have so much self-doubt and insecurity because I've lived 23 years in a time where society thinks I'm not beautiful and feels that it's their place to tell me so in the cruelest way possible.
Today I live in Las Vegas, NV, which is 500 miles away from the beautiful, tiny, beach town that I grew up in. I have a husband, whom I love dearly, but am still learning to live with (we've been married for 5 months). It's hard. It's hard having so much change in your life and being so young, and most of all, having to live life not-quite-liking who/what you are.
My body hurts a lot: muscle aches, joint pain, curvature in my upper spine. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, which is preventing Husband and I from conceiving (which is not really our goal just yet, but the fact that it's not an option is really upsetting). I can't seem to get my weight down to hopefully spur ovulation and normal cycles. I've tried Metformin, Phentermine, Atkins diet, Nutrisystem, Weight Watchers, etc.. I even went to a weight-loss summer camp in San Diego for 2 months each summer. (Shout out Camp La Jolla! Thanks for being the epicenter of teenage drama and the start of my obsession over calorie-counting.)
Well, recently I decided I'm done. I'M DONE WASTING TIME HATING MYSELF. I have spend as long as I can remember full of self-doubt and insecurity. I started doing some research and found a company called Belite weight. Well... I'M SCHEDULED FOR SURGERY ON MAY 19TH, 2016!!!! SO now I'm nervous as all get-out. My surgery is in Juarez, Mexico (which is slightly terrifying). I'm sorry for the terribly long post... I guess I'm just excited to have found people who might understand. I'll write another post on the next part. Thanks to those who read through that mess (and to those who pretended to). :)
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