In 2009 I finally made the decision to get...
In 2009 I finally made the decision to get implants. I was always the flat-chested girl, even in a family of large-breasted females and maybe some males, who knows, but basically everyone but ME had boobs. Flash forward to 2000 and I'm working out like a fiend and was almost concave I was so flat. I saw a surgeon at that point but couldn't afford it. Flash forward to 2009 and I had a great job and a 401K account. Woohoo, BOOBS! I scheduled an appointment to see the doctor based on recommendations from a few girls I knew, and within a month I had (I think) 525 cc Mentor silicone implanted over the muscle. (Before I go any further I want to note that my PS was and is still awesome and where I'm at has nothing to do with him. He's an artist and even now my boobs look perfect.)
The first year I had implants was great. The novelty of giant boobs was astounding. Finally, ME, the girl who used to have a sternum with nipples now had the nicest set of boobs and all my friends loved them and wanted to see them and poke at them. I was so enamored of having something to show off that I didn't care, "poke away girls!" Then I moved into the second year of having them. The novelty had worn off and I was really starting to notice just how much I could not wear that I used to take for granted. Tank tops and baggy skater pants. Sports bras (hell bras period). Anything remotely low cut. Suddenly I was struggling to find clothing because the newness had worn off and I wanted to wear what I loved. Oh well, the price you pay for boobs (I told myself sternly). Suck it up.
Year 3 - I'm really starting to hate these things. I have to focus not to slump, anything remotely fitted looks whorish, and during the drop and fluff phase I went up at least 2 cup sizes and was doing time as a FF cup instead of the DD I thought I'd end up as. (ARGH!) One lovely side benefit of the drop and fluff is that my body, which is short-waisted, isn't BUILT to have boobs dropping so low. At year 3 I'm starting to look fat as hell (and have also gained weight anyway because for some reason I'm always too tired to work out).
Now I'm into year 4 and shopping is a chore instead of fun. Nothing I want to wear fits because if it fits everywhere else, my tits keep me from wearing it. Everything I see is now cut for girls with small chests (you know, the natural look). I'm looking at boob removal on the down low because my boyfriend, who I love more than anything, loves giant fake boobs and he always talks about how perfect mine are, the most perfect he's ever seen. At this point we've also been together 4 years...me, him, and the ever-growing obnoxious set of Twins that can't take a hint and stop taking up so much f**king space on my body. About a month ago, maybe less, I finally got the nerve to really start talking to him about the boobs and how much I absolutely, positively, no holds barred, HATE THESE F**KING THINGS. He is upset and confused. But you love them, he thinks. Except see, this is my fault because I didn't tell him 3 years ago how much they were bugging me. Now I hate them. Now they are ruining my life. But ok. I love him more than I love myself, more than I hate these damn plastic lumps. So I decide to keep them. He's relieved. I'm miserable.
However, I can't stop looking at implant removal. Then I see something about girls who had implants getting horrible migraines. Wha....what a minute! My inner smart girl who has been suffocated by brain-dead-bimbo-pornstar-Barbie started screaming at me. And then it hit me. I NEVER used to have migraines on a monthly basis. I used to have them less than once a year. But...but...silicone is safe damnit! That's why I got these gel silicone, because they were safe now. So then I do research. And more research. And am steadily growing horrified at what I'm finding. Migraines (check). Joint pain (check). Inflammation (check). Brain fog (check). Random insomnia (check). Extreme fatigue (check). In fact, I have most of the symptoms women who've had problems with their implants reported. Maybe it's the natural course of aging. Maybe I just stopped exercising because I was always too tired. Maybe...I should consider that my body is sick of having these things and do something about it. So I set up an appointment with a PS in Jacksonville that one of the other girls on here went to. My appointment is on June 2 for a consultation. Originally I wanted to go back to my original PS. However, he's over 2 hours away now, and it's impractical. Also...he did a beautiful job and I don't want to ask him to destroy his work. Feels wrong.
Now here's the kicker, this is why my long rant, why I wish I could go back in time to December of 2009 and punch myself in the face and show her these pictures. The ones that show that I was in fairly good shape. The ones that show that my small boobs were perfect. The ones that show that I didn't slump and always had very good posture. I want these things out as soon as I can. My boyfriend has come over the hurdle and is trying to be supportive. He ultimately loves me for me and the fake boobs are just a bonus. I'll post again when I have my consult with Dr. C and maybe even post some pics of what my boobs look like now so I can start my own chronicle of why you should never, ever, fucking ever mess with something that isn't an issue. Thank you ladies, for all your stories on here and for giving me the courage to start my own that will, hopefully, give someone after me the bravery to start her own story too.
Went to see Dr. "CK" on June 2!
This is a totally delayed posting but amid seeing Dr. CK I have also been moving into a new house (hurray thank you sweetheart!) and planning a rushed trip to New York (again thank you honey!).
Dr. CK was no-BS, did not try to push new implants or a lift on me, and his scheduler Lori is fantastic. I wanted to get my surgery this summer but with the trip to NY it is going to be more into the Fall. Dr. CK and Lori mentioned I could just do the surgery with local anesthesia (less money and I wouldn't have to go under) but I think I'd be way too much of a baby to be awake for that, even though my implants are above the muscle. I'd rather just wake up asking if I'm flat-chested again. :)
I'm super excited and cannot wait to schedule my surgery and have it done. Thanks to all the wonderful girls on here for the well-wishes so far, and I hope everyone who is going through or has gone through the surgery is keeping a happy and positive outlook. No matter what, we are PRETTY ladies. :D Muwah!
Surgery scheduled for December 18 with Dr. Csikai
So I've taken the leap and paid my deposit and have my pre-op on December 2 and my surgery on December 18. I've taken a week off work, to coincide with the Christmas holiday so I get even more days off. I'm scared about surgery again and my supportive boyfriend has moments where he is a colossal fucktard, whether he realizes it or not. I'm so sick of being scared of this and having to babysit his feelings. Today I asked him if he'd still love me after explant and he said "I hope so. I won't be happy but I'm sure I will." And then it hit me. No matter how much he loves me, no matter how much he claims he is being supportive, comments like that are not supportive and are not helpful. No matter what he says, he is still internalizing this and making it all about him and I'm so fucking sick of it I'm ready to pack a bag and leave home for a week. He does all this amazing stuff for me, and yet this he's a dick about because somehow I'm being an ass by taking away his funbags. He hasn't come out and said that, but it's the feeling. Would any of you joke with your significant other about surgery? I wouldn't. I would never tell him "oh if you don't get a dick implant I won't love you" "Oh if you don't stop hunting I won't love you" "Oh if you don't get rid of that doc I fucking hate I won't love you" etc. I needed a place to vent about this and I can't tell my family and friends and if I confront him he'll just say he was kidding. Did any of you ladies go through this? I'm at the end of my patience because while I wait to get surgery I'M the one who has to deal with how I will look, how I will feel, whether I will feel ugly, whether my health will improve, whether I will feel depressed or relieved, etc. I shouldn't have to keep babysitting his stupid obsession with fakies. I'm so close to telling him to just buying a hooker when he wants to touch fakies and to stop making me feel bad. Ugh.
Had to Reschedule my Explant Surgery
Beautiful ladies, first thank you so much for the positive feedback about my boyfriend. After having a full blown screaming session at him, he confessed he didn't realize how upset I was and that he thought I knew he was joking about "maybe I'll still love you." While he's upset, he says he loves me more. So that's a positive and I hope he feels the same after surgery.
Now as to rescheduling...I've had 3 horrific flu/bacterial/bug whatevers this year (lovingly known as the "zombie plagues") and I used up almost all of my PTO and vacation time over it. So I've rescheduled surgery until the last Thursday in February 2015 (February 26) and am hoping for a quick and speedy recovery. Each time I question whether it's the right thing to do I get another ailment, like my body is really trying to drive the point home. Today I'm so exhausted I can barely function or focus (even after 9 hours of sleep and one and a half 5 hour energy shots). I have 2 final papers due by tomorrow night so I have to pull it together! Anyhoo...that's what's going on. Dr. Csikai and his office have been great about my need to reschedule and his assistant Laurie is the bomb. Not much else to report, other than increased levels of sickness, more fatigue, and general depression. Sucks but I'm glad it will be over soon, or at the very least that I'll be on the road to healing. I hope you all have a beautiful Christmas, Chanukah, or holiday season, and that the end of the year is a positive end for a new beginning in 2015. Much hugs and well-wishes.
Surgery re-re-scheduled with Dr. CK (one more time last time!)
Hi Ladies, I've been MIA because lots has happened, I second-guessed getting my implants out, and I thought I would just power through and keep them. After that decision in January, my body started getting much sicker, more zombie plagues, lots of joint pain in my feet and ankles (especially in the morning when I wake up), even more loss of energy, weight gain, etc. So I have now re-re-scheduled my surgery. Soonest I can get in is January 18, but if there is an opening sooner (based on when I can be off work) they'll call me. Pre-op is December 15. I hesitated posting this in case I jinx myself, but I don't think that will happen. This time it actually feels like a reality. I've been reading so many reviews of women who explanted over the past year and it warms my heart to see how many women are taking the giant (lol) step and getting explanted. I only wish I'd just done it last February so I'd be almost healed by now. But...that was then and it does no good to look backward. All we can do is keep moving forward and learn from our mistakes and regrets. Much love to you all, and I'll update again soon with more pics and definitely an update after my pre-op on December 15. Everyone have a great Halloween!
OMG it's really really finally happening...had preop with Dr Csikai and finished paying for surgery
So I'll blame nerves, a case of holiday malaise, too many illnesses to count, and indecision on the delayed timing from the last post to this one. I saw Dr. Csikai on December 16 (he and his staff are just as lovely as I remember) for my preop. Meds were prescribed, instructions given for the day of surgery, etc. I decided (did I already mention this?) to do the IV sedation and local painkiller instead of going full under. Dr. Csikai said my extraction (I'm starting to feel very Sci-Fi) would be very simple and he's going to try to put my stitches on the inside as well so I don't have to have them pulled out. No drains needed, and he also isn't going to put me in compression gear, just a snug fitting sports bra with hooks in the front is what he advised. Surgery is the afternoon of January 18...so close!
Oh, and the man went with me! He even paid for the last part of the surgery, which I think is his way of saying he's sorry. He also keeps saying he loves me no matter what. So I'm feeling a lot better about the whole thing. Now it's only really really scary, instead of really really really REALLY scary.
I'm having some of the same concerns as a lot of the ladies on here. Am I doing the right thing, will I regret it, etc. I think the thing that is the absolute scariest is that I won't start feeling better. Note to self - Positive thoughts!
For posterity, and because I wouldn't have been able to do this without all the brave ladies who posted pics before me, here are some pics from today. I hate seeing how much the implants have made me sag and how much weight I've gained. Ugh. But, it's a lesson. And a hope that soon I'll feel good enough to get on my treadmill and start doing yoga again.
Happy New Year!
TOMORROW IS THE DAY!
Less than 24 hours to go. I've picked up my sports bras and have been taking my meds as directed. When I was a flat chested girl, I never dreamed I'd be excited about being able to shop "off the rack" again. Finally, I'll be able to go into a store and buy a bra I think is cute, instead of special ordering from the UK. Right now it's just a waiting game. I'm doing laundry (why do we all seem to do laundry the night before our surgeries?) and getting ready to shower so I can wash my hair and have a relaxing facial mask while my hair dries. I'll post the after pics as soon as I'm able (I'm not supposed to come out of the sports bra for anything for 3 days, then I can shower and take a peek.) I can't believe it's been almost two years since I started researching explanting and found this wonderful site. I know I've said it, but again, HUGE thank yous to all the women who were brave enough to go first and post their stories. You've helped so many of us by being brave, and the ripples of that bravery has created a tidal wave of women who now know IT'S OK to want to be rid of plastic and not have more implants. Thank you thank you thank you!!!
Day 3 Post Op Update
I've been resting a lot and didn't really unwrap and take pictures until today. So the day of surgery we actually got in a half hour early because the office was running ahead of schedule. The nurses were amazing (shout out to Ann!) because at the last minute, despite being calm up to the time of my surgery, I had a small panic attack. I don't know where it came from, but I was scared to death for a bit. Ann kept checking on me, the Man kept me company in the waiting room and in the office where my IV was started. Once they got me settled into the room and started the IV sedation it was a bit better. Dr. Csikai was awesome, and checked on me before I went into surgery and talked to me while he was doing my injections and making sure I was really numb. After that, I only felt a little pinch and when I said ouch he gave me a bit more numbing and then gave me more sedation when I asked. From start to finish, it took about 30 minutes. When I sat up and looked down at my little boobs my first thought was "huh...they don't look as bad as I thought they would."
Today when I undressed for my shower I took pictures before I lost my nerve (you can see the mark on my arm where I just took the bandage off from the IV). My guess is, since my chest was so small to begin with, I didn't have a lot of tissue to sag maybe. I'm so happy to be on the other side and healing.
Today is that weird time in healing, where you have to be careful not to injure yourself because you feel good but your body isn't healed yet, you know the time I'm talking about if you've already gone through the surgery. So I'm being extra careful today and even though I feel like I want to clean and put up laundry, I know better.
I'll update in a few days. Right now I'm resting as much as possible (ladies, am I the only one with the sore as hell ass and back, since we can only sleep on our back for a few days?? It SUCKS).
I am so freaking happy, beyond happy, that I explanted. I wish I'd had the surgery last year. Oh yeah, and my feet and ankles are already starting to feel better. Before surgery, they were getting worse every day, each morning when I woke up my heels hurt like hell, and my ankles were stiff and I was starting to walk with what I call an "elderly shuffle." They aren't 100% better, but I can tell the difference. I also haven't had caffeine since Sunday and I still have more energy than I have in a while (and THAT'S with being on pain meds and antibiotics). Overall, I feel very lucky that this has gone well so far. I wish the same for everyone who is currently going through or getting ready to go through explant.
Oh yeah forgive me if I'm rambling. I haven't had any hydro today but I think my system is still processing it because I'm not focused. Much love and thanks to you all for being here and supporting me and each other.
Day 5 post op
Not much new to report. Still going being bursts of energy and being exhausted. I think part of it is my antibiotics because I seem to get sleepy soon after taking them. I can feel pockets of air in my chest now which apparently is normal. I am sleeping MUCH better than I did with implants. Last night I only took one tylenol before bed (and didn't take any pain meds all day) and I still slept soundly. Happy Saturday everyone. :)
Day 6 post op
I don't have pics to post today because I don't think they are different than yesterday. What I do have to report though, is amazing. Let me start at yesterday. to record this chronology for myself as well as others.
Yesterday my guy and I took my car to the garage to drop off and have brake pads replaced and maintenance updated. I was sore after driving over there and a bit tired. We took his truck to lunch, and after that I was so tired I needed to come home and take a nap (I think it was the driving). However, I did note that not only are my feet and ankles starting to feel better, I wasn't tired because of eating, I was a bit tired because of driving. I also noted that, even without a week on caffeine and being on antibiotics, I had more energy than I did before explant (even when I'd get 10 hours of sleep and take energy shots).
Today, I woke up at 7:30 and got up. I showered and we drove to Ulta to get my hair washed (yep paid someone to wash my hair and do a deep condition, it was incredible after not having clean hair for almost a week). On the way in I remarked how happy I was and the guy mentioned how much of a difference he could tell in my mood, because for a long time I've had "at least a 10% grump on at all times." I thought that was cool, because it's not just in my head. Then I started noticing other things. My brain was more alert. I could actually FEEL his hand (yes we hold hands) more than normal, to the point I think my fingertips may have actually been steadily going numb and I didn't realize it. After my hair appointment we had lunch and the food had a much more intense taste, suddenly the food was REALLY good. I tried a cup of cappuccino and could taste the bitterness in the coffee. Then we went to get my car. My chest wasn't sore this time when I drove. I called my friend on the way and felt so-much-energy and happiness talking to her. Then I got home and went into the man cave to give the guy a kiss, and I realized when he was squeezing my arms that I had zero pain. (For a long time, it has hurt whenever he hugged me too tight or squeezed my hand or my arm.)
It's mind blowing how much my body is recovering from stuff that I didn't even realize was wrong, and stuff I'd gotten so used to I didn't realize it was gone until it didn't hurt anymore. Ladies, if you even mildly suspect your implants could be a health problem, and you are reading this trying to decide whether to explant, please go for it. I can't even type emphatically enough to convince you how much you are probably right if you suspect your implants are causing issues in your body. We KNOW ourselves. We know when we don't feel well, so please, listen to the voice inside you. Much love and light.