Think Thrice Before You Get Them -Coeur D Alene, ID

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I really hope that girls or women who are...

I really hope that girls or women who are considering breast implants would read my story and think twice before getting them. I will try to be as honest as I can as I really feel that sharing my experience could prevent some of you from making a horrible mistake.

A VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: Please believe that I am far from judging, offending, or humiliating anyone!!! My only intention is to share MY rough journey, and if you happen to already have breast implants and are satisfied with them, I am happy for you and with you. If they changed you life for better, bumped up your self-esteem, and made you look and feel beautiful, I am, again, very glad for your positive outcome. ALSO, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE UNDER 16.

I was changing into my regular clothes after a runway show (I was 26 at the time and modeled, 5'10” and 125 lbs) and suddenly spotted an older model, probably in her late 30, as she was taking off the designer top to change into her own. She wasn't wearing a bra and had those beautiful full round totally amazing breasts that could only be like that with implants. I went home and life kept going, but that image got totally stuck in my head. Those dimly lit naked breasts provoked a myriad of thoughts in my head. “How lucky her husband must be to hug those! How lucky my husband would be if my tiny perky teats would turn into something that beautiful!” I found a million reasons to go for implants: finally, I won't be wearing a bra solely for the reason of making my 34A/B look bigger (I never wore a bra for support, except for pregnancies, I wore bras for volume), finally, I'll get the freedom to wear any spaghetti-strap dress in the summer, finally, I won't be shy and self-conscious during sex... Sex was probably number one reason I got into that. Before, I couldn't get turned on unless I imagined huge shiny boobs from a porn movie. Now, I thought, I wouldn't have to do that anymore, because I would have my own. Plus, I could still remember that breathtaking feeling when my boobs all of a sudden tripled in size after I got pregnant with my first and then started breastfeeding.

It took a while to talk my husband into this. He didn't like the idea at all. He kept telling me I was beautiful without anything fake in my body. It was only after I insisted I would stop having those “bad dreams” during sex that finally convinced him. He sighed, handed me the credit card and said,“My only wish is for you to be happy”.

My second mistake was that I did not research the topic at all. I just went to the first doctor in the yellow pages who had the most eye-catching ad and was farther away from my house (so I would avoid meeting someone who knew me. Privacy matters, right?). I still called a couple of other offices to more or less compare the prices, but went to him, because the lady on the phone sounded the most kind.

The doctor was very nice. He recommended silicone because, according to him, silicone implants feel softer/have more “plasticity” to the touch. I told him I didn't want them way too big and, therefore, too obvious, and he said that I'll be the one choosing my size... I paid $6500 for the silicone, set up a date, took time off work, and then came to my pre-op appointment.

How naïve I was... The assistant said that the smallest ones come in size 300 cc (a lie!!!), and she had them all laid out on a table like cakes on a shelf at the sweets shop, and they were all different shapes and sizes up to I think 600cc. Of course I picked the smallest! But then she said that most women regret going with smaller size, and recommended going at least 25-50 cc larger. She said that they had quite a few replacement ops at their office, because women would become dissatisfied with their “small” breasts after about 6 months. Then (after her suggestion) I tried those 600ccS on (for fun) and, at last, picked the 325cc ones. They looked so much smaller compared to the rest...

I won't describe the pain. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it hurts a big deal, but that's not the point I'm trying to reach. That first night after the surgery, when I came home and looked in the mirror at my new boobies covered with a thin sports bra, I was terrified. Huge. Yes, the doctor and the nurses said they would be swollen, and I knew I had to wait awhile for the real results, but that first impression is still in my head. Huge boobs on my slim body where one could see and count every rib. 34 DD.

The swelling went away and they looked great for about 4 weeks, after which the implants slowly migrated way down below my incision sites. The bottoms of implants were 1 and ¼ inches below incision sites, and nipples were pointing up the ceiling, like a double barrel shotgun. Again, the doctor was super nice and helpful. He said that this usually happens in tall lean women like me and suggested redoing them: his idea was to stitch the capsule that formed around the implant to my ribs, therefore lifting the breasts (I had submuscular (probably wrong word, but this is when the implant is placed under the muscle tissue, not under the fat tissue of the breast). But I would have to wait: with all the new blood capillaries forming and whatever else body was doing to repair itself from the first surgery, revisions could only be done after several months.

To be honest, I wasn't thrilled with the idea of being cut again. That pain was still giving me shivers when I thought about it, plus I kind of liked my implants lower: this was masking their actual size, if I picked the right clothes...

And then the misery began. I did not want anyone to find out, so I gave up wearing any tight tops that once looked sooo good on me: my boobs were too big. Afraid of being discovered, I would wear loose blouses and medium-to-large sized t-shirts which concealed my thin waist. I still modeled, but to make my lower body compensate for a larger top, I had to gain 15 pounds. Before implants, I could wear anything and everything, besides maybe spaghetti-strap dresses (I thought I looked too bony), but now I was doomed to wear only loose shirts. I quit hugging my siblings for the fear they would find out. We even started going to a different church so that our friends wouldn't detect a change in my body. To my terror, I realized that I'd still have those dreams about huge boobs during sex. I kept telling my husband I was happy, but I can't say our sex life changed dramatically after implants. Before, I would tease-dance for him sometimes on my fearless outgoing good-mood nights, and after I would still do it sometimes, but not really more often. Turned out, boob size did not matter at all in sex... And even though they were silicone, they were still quite hard. Not saline hard, but.. They looked ok, but felt... women with implants know what I mean. Bye-bye soft breasts.

For three miserable years I would constantly wear a bra, because as low as they were, I coulnd't show up anywhere without proper support. Boobs were heavy and low. I wore a minimizer bra, so that the buttons on my shirt would fasten up. But the most dreadful times would begin once the weather got warmer and we went to a pool or a lake. I DID NOT want my boobs to look fake. Countless tricks to tie up swimsuit straps in a way so my boobs looked smaller and higher... You should have seen the red indentation marks on my neck and shoulders after those swimming outings.... I constantly wore little silicone circles under my swimsuit and bra to hide my nipples that sat atop of my breasts... I already mentioned I started avoiding family and friends...

After three years, I went back to my surgeon and asked whether the revisions were still possible. All those three years I blindly believed (stupid me!) that I had the next to smallest implants placed in. They have them in size 75 cc! I requested smaller implants this time. Again, my doc was very, very helpful and understanding. I wanted to go as low as 200 cc or even smaller, but he said my boobs could end up being too droopy. The revisions cost a little over $ 4200, given he only charged minimal fees and I had to pay for new implants. We decided on 225 cc.

I had my revisions in March of 2013, and let me tell you that second surgery hurt way more. I am a fast healer, but stitching fascia to your ribs is not a fun thing. The results were great... for about six weeks. Yes, boobs were very droopy at first, plus I developed a really bad rash from the chlorhexidine wash which I (out of some unknown stupidity) used several times after the surgery (you are only supposed to use it before). I probably feared the risk of those incision sites getting infected, I don't know.. Anyway. They looked terrific after the first two weeks: high again, and smaller! (My skin shrunk fast and nicely) I could finally fit into VS 34 C! ...and then all of a sudden one breast dropped about a centimeter lower than the other. Devastated, I rushed to my surgeon and begged him to fix it immediately. My doctor is a very smart and patient man, and he said I should wait at least six months, for the same reasons: body needs to heal first. Plus, who knows what other changes might happen to the undropped breast...

I clenched my teeth, but took his advise. Months were going by, and to my fear, story number one started to reincarnate: slowly but surely both of my implants would start going down again. Once again, bra straps started cutting into my shoulders. With less pressure, of course, as implants were smaller this time...

My PS and I decided to take them out completely. I was hoping to have it done with local anesthesia, but my doc explained that for proper healing and best results, the capsule needs to be removed along with the implant, which necessarily means the need of another surgery and general anesthesia. He said, and I believe him, that if the capsule is not removed, it can and most likely will fill itself with fluid which though can be drained, will refill itself again and again. Plus, he said, one breast might get filled with a few drops and another one with a cupful of body fluid.

I had my surgery this morning. It cost $1500. Drain tubes are put it, I'm covered with ACE bandage, and am looking quite flat. It hurts and I'm on pain pills, but I am happy. How will they turn out? I don't know. I am not hoping for the ones I once had, I have kids and a few stretch marks on my boobies, but the simple fact of not having that burden again is making me smile.

Very interesting: I had a guy anesthesiologist and a guy nurse today. I wanted to share their responses to me when they found out I am having my implants removed. Anesthesiologist (very intelligent-looking sharp man in his 50s): “A very wise decision, my dear. There is no biological or medical need for implants. I don't think any girl needs them.” Nurse (funny and good-looking guy in his 30s): “Good choice! They just look like water balloons to me. Good job!” My husband (smiling): “All I want for you is to be happy, my love.”

My dearest friend, if you are still deciding on whether or not to get implants, think, think, and rethink. Guys DO NOT care how big your boobs are. During my three and a half years of implants, I (out of curiosity) observed a ton of women of different ages and complexions, and came to a conclusion that big boobs make us look older and heavier. (Please don't get mad, these are MY conclusion, I might be wrong). Check Victoria's Secret Models' measurements and bra sizes. You'll be surprised by how many of them have 32 A, 33 B cup sizes. In our days, when we have access to push-up bras or, worst case, Photoshop, do you really think you need them?

Learn to love your body and be happy. God bless!!

P.S. Celebrities without big boobs: Jane Birkin, Twiggy, Behati Prinsloo, Kate Moss, and many, many more confident, beautiful women.

One week post-op

First of all, thank you dearest ladies for your feedback and warm and kind words! Second, I will post my before, intermediate, and after pictures here once I have them retrieved from my husband's computer where he keeps them in a separate folder under several locks )).

Here is a picture of me developing a rash again. I had a similar one six months ago after my revisions surgery, and here you can see the drain tubes, me wearing an ACE wrap and red bumps.

On rash. It usually develops as a body's response to use of chlorhexidine prior, during, and after surgery. It itches REALLY bad. Things that help the most (from double personal experience): Benadryl does not work well, only makes you sleepy. Claritin I think helped me in conjunction with a steroid cream that my doc prescribed, but had I experienced rash again, I wouldn't take Claritin. It did make me sleepy and dizzy. Diaper rash creams and Neosporin DO NOT help. The only thing that releives rash quite rapidly is Betamethasone Dipropionate USP, 0.05%, doctor-prescribed steroid anti-inflammatory and anti-itch cream. Do not use directly on incisions. I developed rash on my 3rd day, I called in on Monday and had cream by noon. The rash is almost gone now, and today is Wednsday.

On breasts. I am actually surprised by how I'm not terribly worried about the looks of them at all. My right breast is slightly higher and both of them are a bit droopy, but I expected way worse. One thing I noticed is there is still some fat left in them, and I for some reason strongly believe they won't be flat for long.

*By the way

I know I misspell and make many grammatical and punctuation errors. Please don't judge too harsh, as English isn't my primary language.

Day 8 post-op

I hesitated sharing pictures at this early stage of recovery hoping for my breasts to become more or less presentable, but then I decided to leave my modeling ambitions alone and to share the pics anyway. Because my goal is to show what they really look like after surgery and someone out there needs to be completely honest.

Bad news: they look ugly. Very. My left is very swollen, therefore looks twice as big as the other one. My PS (good old man, bless his heart) put me on antibiotics for a week to avoid poss infection after my drains were taken out. The left breast definitely didn't like that and responded with a swelling. The right one... Yeah, I will need to ask my doc what the heck with it being so much higher than the incision. Scars are quite angry and red, plus the remnants of the dreaded rash, plus the flaps of skin near my right breast. It will take a while for them to become more or less presentable, but...

GOOD news: Girls, I woke up this morning with a wonderful feeling of a person who slept her whole night on her stomach. In more than 3.5 years I've forgotten what it felt like... wow.

Anyway. Thank God for husband and family. With all the little things around the house and kids' homework I practically don't have time to think how bad they look. Hubby's been so supportive, although I try not to nag at him about my looks. He comes home and says I'm beautiful. And, honestly, if I don't look beneath my sports bra, the face that smiles at me from the other side of the mirror is not looking that bad.

Day 18 POST-OP

First of all, I am terribly sorry I haven't shared any of my old pictures yet. No excuse for me, except for the fact life is so busy... and I'm not thinking of my breasts AT ALL.

Which is a great thing. Ladies... I'm the happiest I've ever been. About my breasts: the left one is still a little swollen, the right one is a little tighter, and they are more or less aligned. The scar below the right breast is lower than the other, though, and it might stay lower forever. I am surprised by how I don't even care that much (I'm not on any antidepressants or any drugs at all).

One thing I noticed, in the last two or so years I had countless depression episodes, and I couldn't figure out why I would be so depressed without any legitimate reason, besides my breasts being unnaturally big, but I wasn't obsessed with them. Now that I've read a few other reviews on implants, I realize that silicone could be linked to depression syndrome from a medical point of view. I neither have sufficient data, nor have read any medical research on the topic, but from personal experience I think I can without doubt say I am not depressed anymore. It is still probably too early to speak confidently explants are the cause, yet I am not depressed. Given they are far from being beautiful ))) One of the ladies mentioned higher suicide rate in women with breast implants, and if their data on silicone causing depression is accurate, I can totally believe it being true. Wow. Women, and young girls especially, please, please, please do your research...

On looks. Ladies... What a pleasure it is to have so many options. Want bigger breasts - push-up bra! Want normal breasts - regular bra! Want small breasts- sports bra! I can finally fit in my favorite blouse from four years ago, and everything from neck down looks proportionate. Not low, not big, not tight, not heavy. Just right.

My doc said no work-outs for one month, but I cleaned my house today and felt so light and wonderful, no pain at all. Can't wait till I start jogging/weightlifting again. And in a couple of months I will be able to stand on my hands and do a cartwheel...

I don't know how many women are reading this, but if you are one of those who just got their implants out, my humble piece of advise would be getting distracted from your body. It does take a long time to heal, and looking and concentrating on it all the time would bring nothing but useless worry to you and your loved one(s). Just engrave in your head that your are beautiful and go help/love/support someone else. God, if only I could give myself this same advise three and a half years ago...

Ladies, stay beautiful, stay kind, stay positive, and deep thanks to all of you who commented and supported )

How to Boost Your Self-Esteem

Oh no, of course I dont' have the answer to that and it would be childish of me to try to save the world with my crooked posts here, but

I've been reading some of the comments on this site and want to share a little story of a woman who had saggy unattractive breasts, was in her 50s, wasn't beautiful, and yet had young and older men lined up at her walkway ready to fall on their knees begging for her attention only if that woman moved her brow.

My grandma is in her 70s now, and she lives in ************ and has no idea I'm using her as an example. She was in her early 50s and she was already a widow, and let me tell you if you ever looked at her picture you would never say she was beautiful.

During my childhood, I spent most of my summers at hers, and we were very close. Her breasts were... Ladies, some of your are saying you have/had ugly breasts, but my grandma's... Me and her would joke on her rolling them up before sticking them in her bra. And she also had scars on her tummy from multiple health-related surgeries, and some extra skin there from the times when she was heavy and then suddenly shrunk down after loosing over 50 lbs.

She never had any cosmetic surgery done, she wore no make-up and the only thing she would wear on her face would be lipstick. Oh, and she colored her long hair dark brown to cover gray. That's it.

And yet, men would chase her like dogs chase a butterfly. Men of different ages. Here is the story: once, a man of her age and his son both fell in love with her at the same time. She of course, turned down both of the proposals and stopped any further relations, but the fact of that happening to a 50-some-year-old woman... You may not believe me, but she visited us two years ago, and I could still notice men turning their heads following her with a gaze.

Why? Because she was and still is full of life. She's positive. She's smiley. She's got that cluster of energy that draws both men and women to her. And when she listens to you, she listens wholeheartedly. Girls of my age (I was a teen then) would come to her with their broken hearts and tears for a piece of advise about this or that guy. She would listen and support, and never judge, and give her best. She could remarry at least 10 times if she wanted to, but she decided not to.

She was far from beautiful, but she's always been attractive and interesting, no matter how ugly her breasts/tummy/legs/anything were.

One of her advises to me was this: "Why are you concentrating on this or that part of your face or body? People perceive you as a whole, not parts. And besides, what seems unattractive to you, could be that something that drew that someone to you."

My wise grandma... Anyway, I had extra 30 min today and thought why not share this. Who knows, maybe this will boost someone's confidence and remind them that what's inside is so much more important.

Old pictures

Unfortunately, I don't have any pics of me naked with 225cc's.
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