Considering Upper Lid Retraction Repair After Second Tarsorrhaphy - Cleveland, OH

Somebody, please read my story. I cannot find the answers I seek anywhere, and I just want my story be HEARD and LISTENED TO. I've searched the internet for any stories like mine and have found nothing. Please help me.

"You have the most striking eyes I've ever seen" was the first thing my last boyfriend ever said to me.

My eyes, to me, represented my power, my importance; getting people to look into them was always my goal. I sought connection, and that was my absolute gift with people. I always felt my eyes were my strongest asset, since my nose had developed dorsal deformities that worsened with age. You definitely never realize what you have until it's gone..

My relationship with that boy lasted three years, during which I was diagnosed with Graves disease, had a thyroid that measured 4 times the normal limit, and received a nuclear ablation to destroy my thyroid gland. After six months of waiting for my metabolism to slow completely down, I was elated to finally be put on a dose of synthroid. I was wearing a lot of extra weight, and was very puffy in the face, which is when my boyfriend decided to end things. Spiraling into depression, I moved to Europe for a semester to pursue a minor.

It had been about a year since my thyroid had slowed completely when I started to notice that my dosages were suddenly off. My face got extremely puffy, I had unexplained weight gain and pressure behind my eyes, dark bags underneath them, and excess fluid in my face (I looked old/sagging skin). The second group of photos below were taken of me while I was experiencing this discomfort. I eventually went to a foreign endocrine, who told me my thyroid was too slow, and I was put on a higher dose of levothyroxine, since synthroid did not exist in the country I was residing in.

When I got back to the States, my ex and father both asked if I was punch in the eye. My left eye looked lazy, but when I went to the eye doctor, they told me that my right eye had actually been pushed forward about a millimeter, with my upper lid pulled up. I was horrified. I had never heard of "thyroid eye disease". All I could do was wait until it was considered "post-inflammatory" to discuss surgical options. It was more noticeable in photos than anything, and being an aspiring actress, I was so disheartened. I tried to conceal what I could with make up, but it was completely futile, I stopped looking people in the eyes altogether.

After two long years, the inflammatory stage of my disease had run it's course and I was ready to discuss operating. I decided on the least intrusive approach, called a tarsorraphy, where they sutcher the outtermost corner of the eye shut slightly to make the whites of the eyes a little less noticeable.

Apparently people get this procedure while awake, but it was agreed upon that I would be put under a local anesthetic, or a "twilight" for the procedure, since I have such sensitivity to pain. Apparently that did not knock me out enough, because Graves patients eat the twilight much faster than normal patients, and I kept waking up combatively during the procedure (I had no recollection of this). The result was bruising that lasted a month, and the inability to drive for the first week and a half. The pictures below will show you how the bruising was not that terrible directly following the procedure, and that my eyes actually looked symmetrical for the first time in years! But as I healed, the swelling went down, my eyes were still asymmetrical once again, and the bruising just got uglier. When I finally healed, my eyes were still as they were before, with only slight improvement (pictures below).

My friends and family all said how they couldn't notice any asymmetry at all and how my eyes were beautiful they way they were and to just leave them alone.

How can anybody understand how this feels? To not recognize the face you were born with when you look in the mirror. To feel like a monster. I have not dated since that last relationship; after graduating from a prestigious university and good grades with a very translatable communications degree, I've been living at home with my parents in the house I grew up in, unemployed, and have not dated or had romantic interactions with anybody in three years. This is emotionally debilitating and nobody is supportive or understanding. When it's not YOUR face why should you care if it's not symmetrical? How would you feel if every time you went through old photos with people they told you how you looked like a completely different and unrecognizable person three years ago?

I decided to undergo a second tarsorraphy after consulting with my surgeon whosaid he's never had a patient go back on a second tarsorraphy (*it's the least intrusive option because it is reversible). This time I was put completely under full anesthetic, and there were absolutely no complications, I didn't even need Tylenol (I can't take anything with codeine in it without puking) after day 1. I had almost no bruising. But here's where I'm at now (photos below).

I've had one post operative appointment since the second tarsorraphy where I was told I won't be able to discuss another surgery for at least six weeks, so from this point in time that I'm writing this post, about a month.

My mother is pushing therapy on me, which is hard. She says "it's your eye, then your nose, is it ever going to all be okay?". I understand her concerns, thinking I have some psychological obsessive disorder. But I've been through entirely too much therapy in the past three years and here I am completely debilitated on the couch, no friends, no job, no romantic prospects of any kind, trying to figure out how much longer I'll have to stay here and recover from surgeries. Sure I want to get out of here and start working a job, but I want this problem fixed. I've worked all the low wage customer service non-degree jobs, and I'm so tired of thinking my intelligence, my degree, all that time spent was wasted, and that I'm ugly and that fifteen different therapists couldn't diagnose me with any psychologically debilitating disorders and yet somehow I've ended up where I am now.

They are not going to help. It's not going to be okay until I recognize myself again in the mirror. I haven't felt beautiful in years, and I'm 23. This is affecting me so much. The next option at this point is upper lid retraction repair, and I've read it's one of the most difficult of all plastic surgery procedures.

My surgeon says it's sacrificing one deformity for another, since typically after upper lid retraction, it's hard to keep the rounded almond contour above the eye, and it flattens a bit. What scares me is that, as you can see from the photos, my contour on my affected eye is ALREADY flatter than the crease of my other eye, since my second procedure. It involved a lot of clipping up and pinching together. When I asked the fellow if they would have to do undo the stitch before doing the lid retraction repair, she actually said no.

I am very confused, because if my lid is fixed effectively, then why would I keep either of the stitches? Wouldn't that just make my eye look smaller? If the lid issue is fixed-why would I need to keep the stitches?

Has anybody ever had a tarsorraphy removed before? Does the skin around your eye look saggy or loose? Does it end up looking the same as before?

All I can say is, the corner of my eye is so pinched, it's irritating. I'm fully recovered but it's itchy, my eyes burn if I lay on my right side, it's uncomfortable. And I'm distressed. I don't know what to do.

Somebody please tell me there is someone who has gone through all this before. I don't want to ruin my face, I just want to feel like me again. I don't know who this girl is, but she's not me. No amount of psychotherapy will change that.