Explanted after nearly 3 yrs and SO GLAD!!

I got a breast augmentation on May 16 2015. Before the implants, I was a size 30C. I had a decent amount of breast tissue and never really considered myself to have "small" boobs...although people would sometimes tell me they were small I always viewed them as the medium/small side. I had always wanted bigger boobs, while also being somewhat happy with the size I was at. I had considered doing a breast aug some day, but didn't think I'd ever actually do it since I was pretty happy with how I was and was terrified of surgery. I got a job at a new salon, where there were lots of beautiful women with perfect bodies and huge fake breasts. Some of my coworkers had them too. I had never felt completely happy with my body, and I felt that this was a good time to change it. I got into bodybuilding and lost a lot of weight, my cup size didn't decrease significantly but they did get a bit smaller and they still stayed perky and firm. I feared that if I got my body fat as low as I wanted to that I would have an A cup or a B cup and I didn't want that. I was terrified of being any less than I was. I started dating a guy who was into big boobs and fake boobs, and we hung around people with big boobs and fake boobs and I just felt completely inferior. I never felt that I was as sexy as they were. I felt that if I got huge fake boobs that everyone would think I am sexy and that my boyfriend would be more attracted to me and I wanted to be his perfect trophy girlfriend. He never pressured me into the implants, I just always noticed him staring at big breasts and it made me feel insecure and I wanted to be the best and I wanted to be exactly what he wanted. So fast forward a few months into our relationship, I could not take having a C cup anymore. I was convinced that I would love myself more and feel so much more sexy with bigger boobs. I thought lingerie would fit better, clothing, etc. I had gone in for several consultations, saying that I wanted my boobs to look exactly the same as before, just bigger. And I also said I wanted them to look 100% as real as possible. I only talked to the doctor a couple of times but the nurse assured me that they would look completely real to people who didn't know me before the surgery, and that I would not be able to see the implants at all. She also convinced me to go quite a bit bigger than I had originally planned. The surgery went well, it wasn't extremely painful although the healing did somewhat suck. I was back to the salon doing hair after a couple of weeks. I was very excited about them but also nervous because they looked quite a bit more fake than I was expecting, but it was very early in the surgery so I thought maybe they'd look more real a few months down the line. I took the month off of working out, but once I tried to go back it just wasn't the same. I was extremely depressed, felt insecure that everyone knew I had gotten the surgery, and obviously wasn't as strong as I was before the surgery. As months went on, I began to become more depressed and unsure of my decision. I began addressing my self esteem issues and realized that the entire bodybuilding journey I had been on was fueled by self hatred, and it had caused me to be even more unhappy with myself even though I looked better. I felt as if I hadn't really made the choice of getting the implants for me, and realized that it wasn't what I really wanted. It was just as hard if not harder to find lingerie, because now I was a size 30E. I was still too petite for most lingerie, and my boobs just looked stupid and fake in all of the stuff that it did fit in. I feel like they make my butt look smaller and make me look like I'm going to tip over. Certain lighting they look amazing, and most people who like implants would probably think I have a fantastic result. In some lighting and most pictures they look extremely fake and high profile, they are very perky for how large they are, and I really just do not like them. I go back and forth between liking them because of all of the attention I get, because guys do stare a lot and my boyfriend likes them a lot. But I've also learned to appreciate real boobs and medium sized boobs more than I did before. I want to be me and be natural and not have to worry about future problems with the implants. I'm worried that if I do not take them out now or at least as soon as possible, that I'll want them out down the road when I'm 30 or 40 or older, and they won't be able to return to normal and will be deflated. I am hoping that if I do it soon enough, I'll be able to return to my old boobs or at least something very close to them. I've seen some stories on here from women in similar situations who have had their boobs return to beautiful normal real boobies, and I am hoping mine will do the same. I want to be me again, and be able to do yoga and be more active and just not worry about my stupid chest muscles. It feels weird to use them and I worry about tearing them. I have also had some random issues with cysts on my ovaries that happened a couple months after the surgery. I had a cyst the size of a baby's head, and it will randomly swell and shrink. it is extremely painful and makes it hard to walk. The doctor wanted me to get it removed, but I have been going a more holistic route since the implants I want to be all natural, do all of my own research, and am very weary of trusting doctors. I have gotten the cyst under control but when the cyst does swell up, sometimes when I poke the scar tissue in my right boob I feel an instant stabbing pain in the cyst as if it is connected. After reading a bunch of stories on here, I wouldn't be surprised if it is connected. I wish that I never got these implants, even though I have learned some things along the way, they are so depressing and a huge problem in my life right now. I am hoping that after I get them removed I can begin to love me for the real me and start to feel as if this was all a positive learning experience. As of right now, I feel mixed emotions of being glad that I am on the way to learning to love myself and also feeling extreme regret for putting myself into this crappy situation. My boobs were beautiful before, I don't know how I was unable to see it. I hope that one day I can have my old boobs back to how they were and that I will be able to hold them and feel the sheets on my naked skin again. I can feel it now, but it just isn't the same. Hopefully this is all for the best. I will be going in for a consultation with my surgeon today to talk about explant, and I will post another thingy afterwards with pre/post implant pics and what not. Hopefully I can help someone else out there.

I've been so torn about what to do. On one hand, my breasts look beautiful with the implants in. I do enjoy having huge boobs in some outfits, and I do enjoy the attention men give me for having a large chest. I feel that they look very flattering and I fit society's/[RS bleep]'s version of "beauty"/"sexiness". On the other hand, they are extremely uncomfortable, especially when I am PMSing and they are swollen. I can't sleep without a bra because they are too heavy. Before I slept with a bra all the time, but since my boobs were a small C/large B, it was still comfortable. With the implants however, the bra digs in all over and is extremely uncomfortable. It has been a year and a half, probably longer, and I still have not found a bra that fits correctly. A size 30DDD or E is very hard to find and when I do find it, there isn't much selection and the bras are generally granny-ish or just flat out uncomfortable. The one bra I do have that has good support digs in to my ribs and I hate wearing it. Sleeping on my side is the only thing comfortable especially when my boobs are sore, but my back has been hurting so bad lately that it hurts really bad to sleep on my sides. My right shoulder will randomly freeze up and I can barely rotate it. Before it would get better after a few weeks, but it is now going on a month and a half that I have had this pain. It hurts to sit or stand or do anything in any position other than laying on my back for extended periods of time. I have to hold my boobs whenever I run or go down the stairs. It hurts to lift weights, which was one of my passions before the surgery. I have tried to pick up yoga, but I am limited with that too because it just feels so icky and uncomfortable. I feel like I'm going to rip my chest in half. I know it is unlikely but I just feel this gross sjflksdjfkl feeling when I do certain things.. even when I spread my arms like a giant hug sometimes it just makes this awful creaking noise in my chest...kind of like when you put on clothing that is too small and you hear a ripping noise but you don't find a definite hole anywhere....yeah that's how my chest muscles feel when I try to use them. I know it could be from just not really using them for a year and a half...but honestly I should not be this uncomfortable. It feels gross when my boyfriend grabs them during sex. It just feels awkward and uncomfortable and sometimes painful. I have feeling in them, but not nearly as much as before. Before I could probably reach orgasm just from having my breasts played with. Now I just want to punch my boyfriend in the face when he grabs them. That's how uncomfortable it feels. I love him by the way...haha. Although I do feel slightly more confident, I still feel "less than" other women with natural big breasts. I know I have a lot of self esteem stuff to work on.

I want to learn to love myself for who and what I am naturally. I want to wear my natural cup size with confidence. Looking back at my pre surgery pics....my boobs were BEAUTIFUL. I cry looking back at the pics. Today, I tried to be perfectly honest with myself about how I feel. I had a flash back of when I had my natural breasts, was happy and fit, looking in the mirror, arching my back, and just feeling beautiful. My body felt great and at ease. I was so happy. I took the comfort of not having any implants in for granted. I THOUGHT I'd be happier if they were just a few cup sizes bigger.....boy was I wrong. Today, as I laid in bed flashing back on that moment, then recognized where I am right now. My breasts are swollen, heavy, and extremely uncomfortable. I am out of shape and I do not eat as healthy because I have been so depressed that I could not bring myself to exercise and did not care what I ate. I let go of two years of hard work and weight loss because of this. I cried harder than I have cried in years. I am so unhappy with these implants. I feel like I am trapped in a cage. A cage of fake safety. A cage where I tell myself that I am safe because my breasts are big and beautiful. But the cage is not comfortable. It is painful and sad. The cage pleases others but it does not please me. But it is just comfortable enough emotionally to keep me afraid of the unknown. Afraid that if I remove the implants I'll be unhappy with my body. That even if they do go back to normal, I'll miss the attention and "pride" of having a huge chest. I fear that I will never be happy. But I know that I am not happy now. So I need to either learn to love these implants even though they hurt me physically, or learn to let go of them and become open to the possibility of my old chest being me again. My absolute worst case scenario is if I HATE them after a year of having them removed, I will just put in the smallest implant you can get. Even that scares me though. I hate going through surgery. I don't want to do it ever again. I wish I could push a magic button and have my chest back as it was. I feel like a part of me knows that this is best and what I have to do, but I still have doubt. The question now is do I wait for all doubts to be resolved or do I just go for it?

A good friend of mine gave me some great advice the other day. She said: mentally trick yourself into believing you have your old small boobs. See how it makes you feel. Wear baggy clothing, things that conceal your chest, tell your boyfriend they are off limits to touch, pretend that you have your old boobs again. Feel the emotions and insecurities you felt when they were natural.

So I am trying to do just that. Lately I have actually been a bit embarrassed of the size of them. Especially when I'm around people I haven't seen for a while or that I have known most of my life. I never thought that day would come. Sometimes I really do miss how they looked in clothes being smaller. I miss being able to squeeze and hold them. and being able to push them up without it looking extremely fake and creepy. I bought a sports bra in my old size for after the surgery and also a really cute betsy johnson underwire bra. You know....to help psych myself out ;). We'll see how they make me feel once they come in the mail. It will be weird to look at a bra with my old cup size again. Sigh. ok so my REAL true wish is that I could go from having healed fake boobs to having healed natural boobs every other day whenever I want so I never have to choose. I want the best of both worlds lol. Too bad that isn't possible.

I have been researching a lot of stuff on holistic healing for recovery from the surgery. I will be posting the stuff I'm doing eventually. For now, I am just trying to get back into eating as healthy as I can. I'm drinking teas with antioxidants, eating as many fruits and veggies as possible, eating lots of healthy fats like avocado and eggs (I read those can both help breast tissue), drinking lots of water, and applying coconut oil every day to my breasts. I have the tiniest itty bitty barely there stretch marks, and I'd like to keep it that way. I will take further efforts to reduce the stretch marks once I get the implants removed (if I decide to do it ...which I think I will but I'm still scared. We'll see..) I also have been massaging them a bit (when they're not extremely swollen from PMS which lasts 2 weeks each month) I read that regular breast massage can keep breast tissue healthy and perky and full and sometimes even make your cup size a little bigger. So I'm just trying to keep my breast tissue healthy until the explant. Once I explant, I'm going to be making special teas to drink and to apply and different oil mixtures as well. I'm also going to try out castor oil packs, as I have read that they are good for shrinking saggy skin. I'll go more in depth with them later as I use them. You can always google them if you want. Castor oil is good for skin AND good for breast tissue ;) so...yippee!! I'm hoping that my holistic remedies will return my body to 100% normal or better after the surgery.

Anyways...thanks to whoever just took the time to read my long ass novel. I really needed to vent and it always helps to vent to people who can truly understand you.

I plan on posting pics eventually; I know everyone probably wants to see so they can start really tracking my journey and comparing my results to see if it all works...but for right now I am too emotional about it to post any before/after pics. I might post them soon and I might wait till after the surgery to post it all...we'll see...

Thank you for reading and I hope I made someone feel less alone. Although this regret can really wound the heart, something that I keep in mind that may help others is that there is no reason to regret. At the time of getting the implants, we all thought it was the best idea for us and that it would make us happy. Never regret doing something that you once thought would make you happy. At least through finding the grief of this experience we can all turn it around and find our true happiness and joy and hopefully learn to love ourselves as we are. At least there's that fashion going around of those cute little lacy "bralettes" everywhere. They look best on small chested women in my opinion. I love that small chests are becoming more "mainstream" although that shouldn't be what gives us confidence. It does help, though.

ONE DAY....I hope that we all find confidence within ourselves that has nothing to do with comparison to any other human being on this planet....and feel the worth and beauty that each one of us has.

It has been a little over 16 months since my breast augmentation surgery. It is seriuosly freaking me out how long it has been, and what freaks me out more is how my breasts are feeling from both the outside perspective and the internal perspective. Outside, they are looking more real than ever. You can tell the tiniest bit on the sides and the tiniest bit because of the high-ish profile being somewhat unnatural, but they look almost completely real. I have gained some weight since the surgery, so they are a bit bigger and have become really jiggly and real feeling. They are very soft and when I run or jump they look pretty much 98% real except that they do look a bit heavier than natural breasts. You would think that I would be happy about this...it is what I have been wanting since I first got the surgery and they felt totally fake...but it actually makes me extremely uncomfortable. I don't know if it's because mentally I know what's going on, the skin and tissues are stretching to give the illusion of them being real, or if it's because it just feels so strange and heavy and just..."icky"...but the combonation of both my mental views and physical bodily feelings of them is just overwhelming. It feels so gross to not wear a bra, they are so heavy and blah feeling. I hate being in the shower and shaving my legs because I feel them hanging there, stretching more and more....its so gross feeling. and I fear that they are gone beyond repair...that they will be unable to return to their same beautiful stage as before...I feel so stuck. I don't want the implants anymore but I fear being deformed or saggy once I remove them so much that I am not sure which choice to make. I don't mean to sound shallow....but my internal value system is just all fucked up and is pretty much plotted against me. I blame the media of course, but it is my own fault for agreeing to these unrealiztic ideals of beauty and applying them to myself. Anyways, I hope that no one takes offense to my own self hatered and self judgements that I make...know that anything rude I say about myself is not meant to bash anyone out there. I simply and miserbly live by these dumb guidelines. I believe that it is a part of my journey to overcome these ideals of beauty and learn to love myself as I am without all of the judgements. It is hard, but I hope that one day I can do that. But I also want to be beautiful. So....GAH!!! I just wish I never did this to myself. But I did, so I need to stop dwelling in the past and take some action. I decided to try to mentally prepair myself for the explant by telling myself to pretend that I am getting it January. I am going to pretend and actually plan to get it in January so that I can begin to feel more real about it. I assume that eventually my intuition will pop in, just as it did before the implants. I knew in my heart that I was making the wrong decision. I just need to listen to the inner voice and trust that things will be okay. Hopefully my wholstic remedies and healthy diet will return my body to normal. I suppose I should stop expecting the worst and deal with what may come as it comes. I will post a before pic and a pic from today in a post after this with my phone. If anyone is in my position and would like to talk or anything pm me or comment below. Thank you all for your support, we are all in this together