Explanted after nearly 3 yrs and SO GLAD!!
I got a breast augmentation on May 16 2015. Before...
Here's an update. Not happy with these boobs but still scared and on the fence
I want to learn to love myself for who and what I am naturally. I want to wear my natural cup size with confidence. Looking back at my pre surgery pics....my boobs were BEAUTIFUL. I cry looking back at the pics. Today, I tried to be perfectly honest with myself about how I feel. I had a flash back of when I had my natural breasts, was happy and fit, looking in the mirror, arching my back, and just feeling beautiful. My body felt great and at ease. I was so happy. I took the comfort of not having any implants in for granted. I THOUGHT I'd be happier if they were just a few cup sizes bigger.....boy was I wrong. Today, as I laid in bed flashing back on that moment, then recognized where I am right now. My breasts are swollen, heavy, and extremely uncomfortable. I am out of shape and I do not eat as healthy because I have been so depressed that I could not bring myself to exercise and did not care what I ate. I let go of two years of hard work and weight loss because of this. I cried harder than I have cried in years. I am so unhappy with these implants. I feel like I am trapped in a cage. A cage of fake safety. A cage where I tell myself that I am safe because my breasts are big and beautiful. But the cage is not comfortable. It is painful and sad. The cage pleases others but it does not please me. But it is just comfortable enough emotionally to keep me afraid of the unknown. Afraid that if I remove the implants I'll be unhappy with my body. That even if they do go back to normal, I'll miss the attention and "pride" of having a huge chest. I fear that I will never be happy. But I know that I am not happy now. So I need to either learn to love these implants even though they hurt me physically, or learn to let go of them and become open to the possibility of my old chest being me again. My absolute worst case scenario is if I HATE them after a year of having them removed, I will just put in the smallest implant you can get. Even that scares me though. I hate going through surgery. I don't want to do it ever again. I wish I could push a magic button and have my chest back as it was. I feel like a part of me knows that this is best and what I have to do, but I still have doubt. The question now is do I wait for all doubts to be resolved or do I just go for it?
A good friend of mine gave me some great advice the other day. She said: mentally trick yourself into believing you have your old small boobs. See how it makes you feel. Wear baggy clothing, things that conceal your chest, tell your boyfriend they are off limits to touch, pretend that you have your old boobs again. Feel the emotions and insecurities you felt when they were natural.
So I am trying to do just that. Lately I have actually been a bit embarrassed of the size of them. Especially when I'm around people I haven't seen for a while or that I have known most of my life. I never thought that day would come. Sometimes I really do miss how they looked in clothes being smaller. I miss being able to squeeze and hold them. and being able to push them up without it looking extremely fake and creepy. I bought a sports bra in my old size for after the surgery and also a really cute betsy johnson underwire bra. You know....to help psych myself out ;). We'll see how they make me feel once they come in the mail. It will be weird to look at a bra with my old cup size again. Sigh. ok so my REAL true wish is that I could go from having healed fake boobs to having healed natural boobs every other day whenever I want so I never have to choose. I want the best of both worlds lol. Too bad that isn't possible.
I have been researching a lot of stuff on holistic healing for recovery from the surgery. I will be posting the stuff I'm doing eventually. For now, I am just trying to get back into eating as healthy as I can. I'm drinking teas with antioxidants, eating as many fruits and veggies as possible, eating lots of healthy fats like avocado and eggs (I read those can both help breast tissue), drinking lots of water, and applying coconut oil every day to my breasts. I have the tiniest itty bitty barely there stretch marks, and I'd like to keep it that way. I will take further efforts to reduce the stretch marks once I get the implants removed (if I decide to do it ...which I think I will but I'm still scared. We'll see..) I also have been massaging them a bit (when they're not extremely swollen from PMS which lasts 2 weeks each month) I read that regular breast massage can keep breast tissue healthy and perky and full and sometimes even make your cup size a little bigger. So I'm just trying to keep my breast tissue healthy until the explant. Once I explant, I'm going to be making special teas to drink and to apply and different oil mixtures as well. I'm also going to try out castor oil packs, as I have read that they are good for shrinking saggy skin. I'll go more in depth with them later as I use them. You can always google them if you want. Castor oil is good for skin AND good for breast tissue ;) so...yippee!! I'm hoping that my holistic remedies will return my body to 100% normal or better after the surgery.
Anyways...thanks to whoever just took the time to read my long ass novel. I really needed to vent and it always helps to vent to people who can truly understand you.
I plan on posting pics eventually; I know everyone probably wants to see so they can start really tracking my journey and comparing my results to see if it all works...but for right now I am too emotional about it to post any before/after pics. I might post them soon and I might wait till after the surgery to post it all...we'll see...
Thank you for reading and I hope I made someone feel less alone. Although this regret can really wound the heart, something that I keep in mind that may help others is that there is no reason to regret. At the time of getting the implants, we all thought it was the best idea for us and that it would make us happy. Never regret doing something that you once thought would make you happy. At least through finding the grief of this experience we can all turn it around and find our true happiness and joy and hopefully learn to love ourselves as we are. At least there's that fashion going around of those cute little lacy "bralettes" everywhere. They look best on small chested women in my opinion. I love that small chests are becoming more "mainstream" although that shouldn't be what gives us confidence. It does help, though.
ONE DAY....I hope that we all find confidence within ourselves that has nothing to do with comparison to any other human being on this planet....and feel the worth and beauty that each one of us has.
Feeling scared and confused
Before and after "selfies"
boobie pain report
Connective tissue recovery diet
Please read if you have joint pain
Thank you to all who have supported me!!
Considering explant with fat transfer....
1. I am prone to cellulite so I am afraid it would increase cellulite or give it in places that I don't have it yet
2. I'm afraid of ending up with a lumpy stomach/arms (that's where I'd get the lipo, definitely nothing in my legs as they are already skinny/cellulite enough lol)
3. I might not have enough fat to donate and I'm afraid of gaining weight and then having to worry about losing it or looking weird
4. Mostly I'm scared of deformity lol
5. And I'm scared of fat necrosis
I found a doctor near me who seems to have experience in fat transfer. I am going to keep researching and make an appt with him for consultation and see what his opinion is. I plan on going to an expert fat grafter, bc it seems that those people give the best results. So I will probably visit many doctors before I pick the right one. If I can find a good doctor I am thinking of doing the surgery in mid April. I guess I could wait another year until winter but I would like to do this as soon as possible. But I do not want to force things as I believe that everything will fall into place if it is the right time for the surgery. Please comment with insight if you have had lipo or fat transfer to your breasts! I want as much good and bad info as possible. Thanks guys!!
I am 100% decided on explant
Prices in case anyone is wondering
I can't wait to be me again
Question for ladies who have explanted
I deleted all of my photos
Me now with implants
Adding a collagen supplement to my diet
I also started taking a hair, skin, and nails supplement about a month and a half ago to help with hair loss and hopefully it will also help keep my boob skin nice too lol. So far my hair and nails are growing faster. Haven't noticed a change in my skin really.
Got my Feng package!!
Got a new sports bra
I am so ready to explant!!!
Explant less than two weeks away
Pre Op appointment
oh and one more thing i thought i'd add.... dr feng found a cyst in my breast and she plans to drain it during the explant. i thought that was pretty cool...i'd been stressing out about the cyst for a couple of months now because i was afraid to get a mammogram for risk of rupturing my implants...so I'm glad to hear that it can just be easily drained with a needle while I'm out cold lol...\
wish me luck and send me your love tomorrow ..... only a few short hours and I will be all natural again!!
Explant in a few hours
I did it!!
Surgery Details and answering implant CC question
My friend/helper got the stomach flu the night before my surgery so I was totally freaked out because I needed her to take care of me since I can't lift anything over 5 lbs for two weeks post op. She was up puking all night and was unable to drive me to my surgery in the am. I ended up taking an Uber, and she was recovering all day. I was instructed to shower with antimicrobial soap the night before and morning of surgery. Since my friend had been puking in the bathroom all night, i was paranoid about using the shower in there. I called dr Feng's office and let them know this, and I was able to use one of their showers in the fitness center. The shower was very very clean, and super pretty and nice. I was provided with a towel and had the whole shower room to myself. After showering i went upstairs to the surgery floor and was greeted by a very nice nurse (unfortunately i forgot all of the nurse's names). She brought me into a room where she took my heart rate and blood pressure and asked me some questions about allergies and had me sign some consent forms. Later Dr Feng came in to talk to me and had me sign a few things too. I asked her some questions, then another nurse came in to talk to me. She was very nice, and said she was going to adopt me as her daughter for the day lol. Both nurses were talking to me, trying to keep me distracted while we waited for surgery. I was put under a lighter anesthesia than i was under when I got my implants put in, because the heavier one made me throw up. I was very nervous about waking up during surgery because of this, but the nurse reassured me that it was very very unlikely. When the nurses walked me into the operating room, I began to panic. Not because i didn't trust them, but because the fear of dying or waking up and just of surgery in general was freaking me out. I started crying and asked the mom nurse for a hug. She gave me a giant hug and held my hand as we walked into the room. She kept talking to me about happy things and trying to keep my mind off of what was happening. She had me lay down on the operating table and then they took my arms out of my surgery gown but kept my breasts covered. They put a warm blanket over me because it was pretty cold in the operating room. There was happy music playing in the room. The anesthesiologist asked me for my arm and she put a numbing needle in the back of my hand. it hurt a little bit, but nothing unbearable. As she was doing this, the "mom" nurse was holding my hand and talking to me about happy things. After the numbing, the anesthesiologist put an IV in my hand, which i assume was full of anesthesia. The mom nurse kept talking to me and eventually i fell asleep. The only difference i noticed between the more intense anesthesia i had when i implanted and the lighter one that i had when i explanted, is that when I implanted i was out, then i was awake. With the lighter one during explant, i dreamed happy dreams the entire time, and i woke up very gradually as it wore off. When i woke up, it was as if i had just been woken from the best, deepest sleep of my life. They were still bandaging me up as i was waking up, but i was so groggy that I hardly noticed. Then they lifted me off of the table (which i also hardly remember) and put me onto a different bed and wheeled me into the recovery room. There, the first nurse was writing some things down and talking to me and gave me some water. She asked if I needed anything and I asked for tea. She brought me some delicious coconut type tea...I'm not sure what it was. I had a bit of a sore throat because I guess I had to have a breathing tube during surgery or something. It's something they do for everyone. I spoke to Dr Feng, she told me i had beautiful breasts and a fantastic result and that they had shrunk back nicely. *300CC QUESTION FOR ALL WHO WONDERED* I asked if they were 300cc, and she said one was like 302 and one was 304. That kind of makes me angry though, because my original PS said that he was going to put the same size in both and that it was 300cc. I know 2-4cc isn't a HUGE difference, but i still don't like that I was lied to by my original PS. So anyway, they kept feeding me water and tea until i needed to go to the bathroom. Once I needed to pee, they helped me up and walked me over to the bathroom. I went in and peed, and there was a string I pulled to call the nurse back in. She helped me pump the soap (lol) and opened the door for me. I was able to wipe myself and pee on my own, so that was nice. I was worried about not being able to wipe. After that, the nurse brought me back into the original room where I had my blood pressure taken before surgery. She brought me some water and a bowl of mixed fruits which was delicious. It really hit the spot after not eating all morning or day. I believe the surgery started at around 11 and i was back in that room by around 2:30ish. Those are rough estimates on time. they said the surgery took about two hours. After eating the fruit, the nurse showed me how to empty my drains. It seems a lot more complicated when you read the instruction sheet that they give you than it really is. It's quite easy. Then I ordered some food to bring back to the hotel, and also got a complimentary salad and soup as well.*their food is low sodium and i was informed that a low sodium diet will help me to get the drains out faster* Then I just hung out there waiting for my ride to come get me (she was feeling better by then). Then we went back to the hotel! I've been feeling so energized and happy ever since!!! I know I made the right choice, and I'm so glad I did this!! it was worth the extra money to feel so pampered and taken care of before and after surgery. It was nothing like that when I got the implants put in. I can tell that Dr Feng and her staff really do care about their patients. I"ve been taking Tylenol for pain and I feel pretty great. I slept really well last night... and I have decided to take the antibiotics that Feng suggested. I usually am against them, but I figured since she is holistic but still recommends them that it is probably best for me to just take them. There aren;t that many anyway. So if any of you have been keeping up with my blog, i mentioned a few posts ago how i felt i may have a mild capsular contracture in my right breast but my original PS said that I didn't....well i was right! I actually did have a mild contracture in the right breast and that is the side of my body that i had been having shoulder, back, joint, and hip pain! Right now i have no joint or shoulder pain, but I won't be able to really tell how it is until after I'm off the tylenol if it is really better or not. I believe it will be though, and so does Dr Feng. I forgot to ask for my implants back, hopefully they kept them. They may have been sent in for pathology testing. I know my capsules were sent in; I'm hoping insurance covers that. I haven't seen my entire breasts yet, i'm not allowed to remove the bandages until the drains come out. I keep trying to peek at them, but it is hard to see them with such tight bandaging. I can only see the tops of them and can barley see the nipples. I will keep you all updated as to when I get the drains removed and will very likely take pics asap!!
Post Op Day 2
Bra purchases, as my size may fluctuate or go up over the months (she did the same thing and ended up going up a bit). Ive decided to listen to her and not buy another bra for a few months (if I can help it!! Hehe). When I showered yesterday I noticed my boobs looked a bit better than the day before; slightly perkier. It wasn't a significant enough change to take a picture over, but it was enough to excite me and give me hope that they will continue to become even more beautiful and closer to how they were before implants!! I can't wait to start with my skin tightening oils. This morning I was able to stretch my arms out above my head for the first time in a week!! It felt SO. GOOD. I stretched them one at a time and both together. My right shoulder (the one that had been giving me issues when I had implants) cracked really loud (in a glorious way) when I stretched it on its own. It's hard to tell if my right shoulder pain will be gone post explant...it's still a tiny bit tender but since I'm not healed everywhere else yet I'm not making any judgements on it just yet. I really hope it returns to normal. If it gives me issues still I will see a chiropractor maybe 6 months down the line when I'm not afraid of tearing anything. I wish I could get a massage right now! My shoulders and back are a bit tight from laying in awkward positions for so long. I may try some very light yoga today (by light yoga I mean laying on my back and stretching my arms up and across a bit, I don't know if that's even considered yoga lol). I'll let you guys know how it goes. Thank you all for your support and kind words!! Xoxo
Finally took my gauze off
4 weeks post op
Dr. Lu-Jean Feng is by far the best option for explanting!! She and her staff went above and beyond to make sure my experience was as comfortable and relaxing as possible. I really felt that they cared about my emotional and physical wellbeing and it was the best surgical experience I could ever have asked for. They pampered me as if I were in a spa! Thank you to Dr Feng and all of the wonderful nurses and the anesthesiologist that helped me through this time in my life!