Here's an update. Not happy with these boobs but still scared and on the fence
I've been so torn about what to do. On one hand, my breasts look beautiful with the implants in. I do enjoy having huge boobs in some outfits, and I do enjoy the attention men give me for having a large chest. I feel that they look very flattering and I fit society's/porn's version of "beauty"/"sexiness". On the other hand, they are extremely uncomfortable, especially when I am PMSing and they are swollen. I can't sleep without a bra because they are too heavy. Before I slept with a bra all the time, but since my boobs were a small C/large B, it was still comfortable. With the implants however, the bra digs in all over and is extremely uncomfortable. It has been a year and a half, probably longer, and I still have not found a bra that fits correctly. A size 30DDD or E is very hard to find and when I do find it, there isn't much selection and the bras are generally granny-ish or just flat out uncomfortable. The one bra I do have that has good support digs in to my ribs and I hate wearing it. Sleeping on my side is the only thing comfortable especially when my boobs are sore, but my back has been hurting so bad lately that it hurts really bad to sleep on my sides. My right shoulder will randomly freeze up and I can barely rotate it. Before it would get better after a few weeks, but it is now going on a month and a half that I have had this pain. It hurts to sit or stand or do anything in any position other than laying on my back for extended periods of time. I have to hold my boobs whenever I run or go down the stairs. It hurts to lift weights, which was one of my passions before the surgery. I have tried to pick up yoga, but I am limited with that too because it just feels so icky and uncomfortable. I feel like I'm going to rip my chest in half. I know it is unlikely but I just feel this gross sjflksdjfkl feeling when I do certain things.. even when I spread my arms like a giant hug sometimes it just makes this awful creaking noise in my chest...kind of like when you put on clothing that is too small and you hear a ripping noise but you don't find a definite hole anywhere....yeah that's how my chest muscles feel when I try to use them. I know it could be from just not really using them for a year and a half...but honestly I should not be this uncomfortable. It feels gross when my boyfriend grabs them during sex. It just feels awkward and uncomfortable and sometimes painful. I have feeling in them, but not nearly as much as before. Before I could probably reach orgasm just from having my breasts played with. Now I just want to punch my boyfriend in the face when he grabs them. That's how uncomfortable it feels. I love him by the way...haha. Although I do feel slightly more confident, I still feel "less than" other women with natural big breasts. I know I have a lot of self esteem stuff to work on.
I want to learn to love myself for who and what I am naturally. I want to wear my natural cup size with confidence. Looking back at my pre surgery pics....my boobs were BEAUTIFUL. I cry looking back at the pics. Today, I tried to be perfectly honest with myself about how I feel. I had a flash back of when I had my natural breasts, was happy and fit, looking in the mirror, arching my back, and just feeling beautiful. My body felt great and at ease. I was so happy. I took the comfort of not having any implants in for granted. I THOUGHT I'd be happier if they were just a few cup sizes bigger.....boy was I wrong. Today, as I laid in bed flashing back on that moment, then recognized where I am right now. My breasts are swollen, heavy, and extremely uncomfortable. I am out of shape and I do not eat as healthy because I have been so depressed that I could not bring myself to exercise and did not care what I ate. I let go of two years of hard work and weight loss because of this. I cried harder than I have cried in years. I am so unhappy with these implants. I feel like I am trapped in a cage. A cage of fake safety. A cage where I tell myself that I am safe because my breasts are big and beautiful. But the cage is not comfortable. It is painful and sad. The cage pleases others but it does not please me. But it is just comfortable enough emotionally to keep me afraid of the unknown. Afraid that if I remove the implants I'll be unhappy with my body. That even if they do go back to normal, I'll miss the attention and "pride" of having a huge chest. I fear that I will never be happy. But I know that I am not happy now. So I need to either learn to love these implants even though they hurt me physically, or learn to let go of them and become open to the possibility of my old chest being me again. My absolute worst case scenario is if I HATE them after a year of having them removed, I will just put in the smallest implant you can get. Even that scares me though. I hate going through surgery. I don't want to do it ever again. I wish I could push a magic button and have my chest back as it was. I feel like a part of me knows that this is best and what I have to do, but I still have doubt. The question now is do I wait for all doubts to be resolved or do I just go for it?
A good friend of mine gave me some great advice the other day. She said: mentally trick yourself into believing you have your old small boobs. See how it makes you feel. Wear baggy clothing, things that conceal your chest, tell your boyfriend they are off limits to touch, pretend that you have your old boobs again. Feel the emotions and insecurities you felt when they were natural.
So I am trying to do just that. Lately I have actually been a bit embarrassed of the size of them. Especially when I'm around people I haven't seen for a while or that I have known most of my life. I never thought that day would come. Sometimes I really do miss how they looked in clothes being smaller. I miss being able to squeeze and hold them. and being able to push them up without it looking extremely fake and creepy. I bought a sports bra in my old size for after the surgery and also a really cute betsy johnson underwire bra. You know....to help psych myself out ;). We'll see how they make me feel once they come in the mail. It will be weird to look at a bra with my old cup size again. Sigh. ok so my REAL true wish is that I could go from having healed fake boobs to having healed natural boobs every other day whenever I want so I never have to choose. I want the best of both worlds lol. Too bad that isn't possible.
I have been researching a lot of stuff on holistic healing for recovery from the surgery. I will be posting the stuff I'm doing eventually. For now, I am just trying to get back into eating as healthy as I can. I'm drinking teas with antioxidants, eating as many fruits and veggies as possible, eating lots of healthy fats like avocado and eggs (I read those can both help breast tissue), drinking lots of water, and applying coconut oil every day to my breasts. I have the tiniest itty bitty barely there stretch marks, and I'd like to keep it that way. I will take further efforts to reduce the stretch marks once I get the implants removed (if I decide to do it ...which I think I will but I'm still scared. We'll see..) I also have been massaging them a bit (when they're not extremely swollen from PMS which lasts 2 weeks each month) I read that regular breast massage can keep breast tissue healthy and perky and full and sometimes even make your cup size a little bigger. So I'm just trying to keep my breast tissue healthy until the explant. Once I explant, I'm going to be making special teas to drink and to apply and different oil mixtures as well. I'm also going to try out castor oil packs, as I have read that they are good for shrinking saggy skin. I'll go more in depth with them later as I use them. You can always google them if you want. Castor oil is good for skin AND good for breast tissue ;) so...yippee!! I'm hoping that my holistic remedies will return my body to 100% normal or better after the surgery.
Anyways...thanks to whoever just took the time to read my long ass novel. I really needed to vent and it always helps to vent to people who can truly understand you.
I plan on posting pics eventually; I know everyone probably wants to see so they can start really tracking my journey and comparing my results to see if it all works...but for right now I am too emotional about it to post any before/after pics. I might post them soon and I might wait till after the surgery to post it all...we'll see...
Thank you for reading and I hope I made someone feel less alone. Although this regret can really wound the heart, something that I keep in mind that may help others is that there is no reason to regret. At the time of getting the implants, we all thought it was the best idea for us and that it would make us happy. Never regret doing something that you once thought would make you happy. At least through finding the grief of this experience we can all turn it around and find our true happiness and joy and hopefully learn to love ourselves as we are. At least there's that fashion going around of those cute little lacy "bralettes" everywhere. They look best on small chested women in my opinion. I love that small chests are becoming more "mainstream" although that shouldn't be what gives us confidence. It does help, though.
ONE DAY....I hope that we all find confidence within ourselves that has nothing to do with comparison to any other human being on this planet....and feel the worth and beauty that each one of us has.
Feeling scared and confused
It has been a little over 16 months since my breast augmentation surgery. It is seriuosly freaking me out how long it has been, and what freaks me out more is how my breasts are feeling from both the outside perspective and the internal perspective. Outside, they are looking more real than ever. You can tell the tiniest bit on the sides and the tiniest bit because of the high-ish profile being somewhat unnatural, but they look almost completely real. I have gained some weight since the surgery, so they are a bit bigger and have become really jiggly and real feeling. They are very soft and when I run or jump they look pretty much 98% real except that they do look a bit heavier than natural breasts. You would think that I would be happy about this...it is what I have been wanting since I first got the surgery and they felt totally fake...but it actually makes me extremely uncomfortable. I don't know if it's because mentally I know what's going on, the skin and tissues are stretching to give the illusion of them being real, or if it's because it just feels so strange and heavy and just..."icky"...but the combonation of both my mental views and physical bodily feelings of them is just overwhelming. It feels so gross to not wear a bra, they are so heavy and blah feeling. I hate being in the shower and shaving my legs because I feel them hanging there, stretching more and more....its so gross feeling. and I fear that they are gone beyond repair...that they will be unable to return to their same beautiful stage as before...I feel so stuck. I don't want the implants anymore but I fear being deformed or saggy once I remove them so much that I am not sure which choice to make. I don't mean to sound shallow....but my internal value system is just all fucked up and is pretty much plotted against me. I blame the media of course, but it is my own fault for agreeing to these unrealiztic ideals of beauty and applying them to myself. Anyways, I hope that no one takes offense to my own self hatered and self judgements that I make...know that anything rude I say about myself is not meant to bash anyone out there. I simply and miserbly live by these dumb guidelines. I believe that it is a part of my journey to overcome these ideals of beauty and learn to love myself as I am without all of the judgements. It is hard, but I hope that one day I can do that. But I also want to be beautiful. So....GAH!!! I just wish I never did this to myself. But I did, so I need to stop dwelling in the past and take some action. I decided to try to mentally prepair myself for the explant by telling myself to pretend that I am getting it January. I am going to pretend and actually plan to get it in January so that I can begin to feel more real about it. I assume that eventually my intuition will pop in, just as it did before the implants. I knew in my heart that I was making the wrong decision. I just need to listen to the inner voice and trust that things will be okay. Hopefully my wholstic remedies and healthy diet will return my body to normal. I suppose I should stop expecting the worst and deal with what may come as it comes. I will post a before pic and a pic from today in a post after this with my phone. If anyone is in my position and would like to talk or anything pm me or comment below. Thank you all for your support, we are all in this together
Before and after "selfies"
Here is a picture from before the implants and a picture from today. I miss the old me but am torn and also enjoy the looks (but not feels) of the current me. Later I will post more befores and afters and also the official pics the doc took.
boobie pain report
Hello all! I figured I'd update today since it is one of the more painful days of the month for my boobs. Two weeks before my period my boobs swell up a half a cup size. That was awesome pre implant, but post....ouchie 5000. When they told me that I may have more breast pain after the implants, I thought to myself "My boobs already hurt for half the month, I'm sure a little pain here and there won't bother me since I will have giant boobs" hm. ya. no. it SUCKS. They are 500x more tender than before, probably because they already weigh so damn much even without the swelling!! They are sooooo fucking heavy right now. I want to wear support so that they will be squished up and not hurt me, but they are so swollen that it hurts to be compressed. So the swelling feels best without any bra, and the weight feels best with an extremely tight fitting bra. So it's pretty frustrating and I am uncomfortable 100% of the time for two weeks out of every month. I can't even bear for my bf to grab them because of the pain. They feel like they will burst. It started with just that, but over the past year and a half it has increased to my actual chest muscles hurting during this swelling time. Probably because my tits are 10lbs each and gravity is trying to sneak them out of my chest. Also, I'm sure there's some fluids swishing around in my chest wall or something. Who knows what's really going on in there. I also have back, shoulder, and now even bicep pain during this period of time. I woke up this morning and bent my arm in a completely normal way and got a charlie horse all up my bicep and shoulder. Before it was only my right shoulder that had this problem but now my left is having trouble as well. I am constantly slouching and my back is yelling at me as i type this lol. Ugh. I am still aesthetically attached to these implants. But it is starting to really sink in that I will need to get them removed. Which a part of me still doesn't want to admit to myself. The reality of it all is seriously freaking me out. I don't want to go through another surgery and healing process again! ugh!! complain complain. oh well. In the end, all that really matters is my health. When I first got the implants, I was more for the whole "beauty is pain" lifestyle...I wore heels and tight corsets and banged myself up a bunch to look cute for a few hours or a day. But with those things, you can take them off and take a break. I can't just take these implants off and breathe. It's a harsh realization. I am not really into wearing heels at all anymore and haven't worn a corset since before the surgery either. I'm all about comfort now. It's pretty crazy how much I've changed throughout this boobie journey. Its fucked how I used to view myself. Now I'd give anything (anything but my cat.. :3
Connective tissue recovery diet
Hi! I came across this article on foods to eat to help heal connective tissue. http://barefootandsoul.com/2013/02/21/healthy-connective-tissue/ The article is about a torn ligament in someone's ankle, but the breast's shape is held and supported/shaped by connective tissue so I plan to try out eating most of these foods and avoiding unhealthy foods while in recovery. Right now I am working on eating healthy as a lifestyle and form of self love and not just to maintain a certain physique. I plan to slowly add these foods into my regular diet. I feel that right now is practice for when I get the implants removed so that it will not be a hard thing to eat extremely healthy for a year or so. Hopefully the habit will stick and I will end up keeping many if not all of those foods in my diet if I still crave them. I have witnessed first hand with bodybuilding how much the food you eat effects the way your body looks... I am going to do much more research and look up foods and teas specifically for breast tissue and skin elasticity too but this is what I have done so far. Maybe it'll help someone else out there too! I guess I'm gonna be a Guinea pig and see how all of my ideas of trying to get back to normal work out haha. I still feel as though I am in prep/research mode and I'm not sure when I will be emotionally ready to explant. Maybe in a few months. Maybe in a year. I'm trying to learn to be patient with myself and listen to my body and emotions. So for now...dreaming of self love and trying my best to put it into action!! One baby step at a time, I am becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin.
Please read if you have joint pain
So I hear lots of ladies on here talking about pain in their joints etc. starting after implants. So yeah mine has been a bit excessive lately and it's freaking me out...I've never had this kind of pain in my back and shoulders before and now it's in my neck and one of my knees and I've been stretching more to make it better but it almost seems like it's making it worse and I don't really know what to do....I wanna know how many of you that explanted have had the pain go away? Will it be like this forever? It seems to get worse when I work out too ugh I just want to be back to normal I wish I never got these implants. I'm not sure when I'll be able to remove. I'm hoping next year but I'm waiting to see what happens with some financial stuff and I want to be emotionally ready too but idk. Just freaked out right now. Depressed. It's hard to not think about. Sometimes I do really enjoy the size still. Ugh :( comment if you can relate or have any advice please thanks ladies xo
Thank you to all who have supported me!!
I hope all is going well for everyone supporting me and everyone on here in general!! I apologize for my late responses I tend to get upset about the whole thing and stay away from this website for days at a time so that's why....i hope you all had a great New Years!!
Considering explant with fat transfer....
I have considered this before, but decided against it because it seemed like too many people ended up with fat necrosis. But lately I've been reading a lot of stories and seen that some people do get good results. I am a bit scared of getting lipo though, for a few reasons.
1. I am prone to cellulite so I am afraid it would increase cellulite or give it in places that I don't have it yet
2. I'm afraid of ending up with a lumpy stomach/arms (that's where I'd get the lipo, definitely nothing in my legs as they are already skinny/cellulite enough lol)
3. I might not have enough fat to donate and I'm afraid of gaining weight and then having to worry about losing it or looking weird
4. Mostly I'm scared of deformity lol
5. And I'm scared of fat necrosis
I found a doctor near me who seems to have experience in fat transfer. I am going to keep researching and make an appt with him for consultation and see what his opinion is. I plan on going to an expert fat grafter, bc it seems that those people give the best results. So I will probably visit many doctors before I pick the right one. If I can find a good doctor I am thinking of doing the surgery in mid April. I guess I could wait another year until winter but I would like to do this as soon as possible. But I do not want to force things as I believe that everything will fall into place if it is the right time for the surgery. Please comment with insight if you have had lipo or fat transfer to your breasts! I want as much good and bad info as possible. Thanks guys!!
I am 100% decided on explant
I will get it done sometime towards the end of this year, hopefully early November. I'm considering but not 100% sure on getting a fat transfer too. It kind of depends on the price. I'm so excited to finally be taking action towards getting this crap out of me and getting better!!! Also, I will be going to Dr. Feng in Cleveland or Dr. Florence Mussat in Chicago. Still deciding on a dr, but definitely leaning towards Feng. If I decide to fat transfer I will for sure be going to Feng. Wish me luck!!!
I'm so excited!!!! I am booked for January 12 with Dr.Feng!!!!!!! I was feeling scared and I know I will have ups and downs, but now that it's official it feels GOOD!! scary, but GOOD!!! I can't wait to feel the wind on my teet again lol
Prices in case anyone is wondering
It was $1,500 to book with Dr. Feng, and the explant will be $8,300 total. I will not be needing an ultrasound, and hotels are about $100 per night, and I should be there for about 5 days, hopefully only 4 nights.
I can't wait to be me again
I just want to get a new wardrobe and new bras already!!!!! And be all healed up from surgery and back to normal lol. I wish I could push a button and be there now. So here's a few more before implants pic, because I am now so obsessed with my old boobs. I don't know what the hell I was thinking getting a breast augmentation. I really wish I never did this, I hope I can have my old boobies back once they heal. They were so beautiful. 30C to me now is better (on me) than 30E. I talk to my real boobies about how we're going back to normal and we're gonna be comfortable again lol. I'm weird. Can't wait to hold them in my hands and tell them it's gonna be alright again.
Question for ladies who have explanted
So I have little tiny stretch marks all over my boobs. They don't look like normal stretch marks though, kind of like wrinkles almost. They're only noticeable up close I think....no one has mentioned anything to me about it at least. Have any of you had those before and do they get worse after explanting or do they tend to stay the same? I know they probably won't go away completely, I'm just worried about them getting worse or more noticeable after explant. This isn't the best picture of it. In some lighting it's more noticeable plus I just put on oil so you can't see them as well
I deleted all of my photos
Because it was making me uncomfortable that you could see my tattoos and if someone knew me they would know this is my account. I would like to remain anonymous so I will repost before implant, during implant, and after explant photos with my tattoos scribbled out. Sorry for any inconvenience :)
Before implants photos
Here are photos of me before implants, size 30C
Me now with implants
300cc in both breasts, bra size 30E or 28F. 28F is most supportive but is almost impossible to find. My one bra in that size was custom made on etsy. My implants are so heavy and no bras give me the support I need. So uncomfortable. I can't wait to get them out. I don't care about looking like a porn star anymore I want to be sexy because I'm 100% me. Im tired of feeling like the most desirable part about me isn't even real. I'm nervous about the outcome still I'm hoping they'll return to being firm and beautiful. My diet right now consists mostly of legumes, grains, seeds, nuts, veggies, and fruits with the occasional fish here or there. I rarely eat meat anymore but if I do it's fried chicken (lol) I drink a half gallon of water daily or more, drink only water or tea 99% of the time. Hardly any alcohol. I do usually have 1 or 2 crappy food days on the weekend though. I rotate putting vitamin E oil, castor oil, and a natural lotion with shea butter and coco butter in it on my breasts once a day. I'll probably start oiling twice a day once I explant. As for exercise, I hula hoop (I do tricks and such so it ends up being an arm workout and cardio more so than core) and I lift weights for legs 1-2x per week. I plan to get back into lifting upper body after explanting but for now it's too painful. I contemplate starting up again with really light upper body weights but I just hate the way my chest feels for days afterward and it often causes shoulder pain too and just an all over "blah" discomfort while sleeping. I worry about stretch marks so I really really hope all my oils and natural remedies help. Can't wait to amp up the holistic treatments after explanting and really give everything a try. Stuck in wardrobe purgatory lol wishing I could buy more stuff but knowing it's not worth it until January.
Last night I watched a movie with my boyfriend where there were all these nude strippers with huge boobs (some fake some natural) were sexualized and it just made me feel so awful. I hate how women are sexualized, it makes me feel like a damaged off brand product that can never measure up to what men really want. I feel such a mixture of emotions from feeling that my breasts now are exactly as they "should" be in order to be a more attractive "product" that is worthy of love and affection and also feeling a complete hatred for the implants and how they physically feel inside of me. They are so painful, they feel like they're trying to fall out of my body but they're trapped and they can't. When I focus on how my body and my chest feel I feel an overwhelming ball of anxiety in my heart that radiates through my breasts. I want them out, I want to be me. I know that it is not true, that I am not a product and that I am a human being that is naturally beautiful and deserving and worthy of love and affection. But sometimes it is not how I feel. And I have a hard time truly believing that a man can see me as a beautiful goddess and not compare me to another woman and wish I looked differently. I know that I am with the wrong person but I also feel stuck. I'm not going to get into my relationship problems though I do believe (or at least have undying hope) that there is someone out there for me who can truly and effortlessly see and admire both my inner and outer beauty, someone who will look at my small scarred breasts and be turned on by them and my whole body. I just do not have that right now. I guess the most important and primary step I need to achieve in order to find someone like that is for me to look in the mirror and see myself in the way I want to be seen. I guess I've got a lot of work to do healing myself physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Life just seems so dark and hopeless sometimes when I see how hurt I really am and how much healing I need. It's scary and overwhelming. I'm trying to balance the positive in and not let myself get stuck in depression though it is very easy for me to be consumed by the darkness. I really hope that explanting will help with my depression. I know that I romanticize explanting and hope it to be this magical thing that takes me exponentially in the direction of mental and emotional healing, but I also know that the explant alone won't solve my problems. Anyway, I was feeling upset and wanted to express it to people who may read it and understand. Thank you to all who read this; and to all who feel the way I do - I wish I could give you a big hug right now and that we could all move to an island somewhere that only people who love small boobs are allowed haha. Seriously I wanna vacation there sometime. If it existed. Anyway, love to all of you ladies! We are not alone!
Adding a collagen supplement to my diet
I bought the Great Lakes Gelatin brand Collagen Hydrolysate the other day. Apparently this stuff is supposed to be more easily digested than regular gelatin. Anyway, I figured I may as well start preparing my body for my explant in January. The box suggests taking it 2x a day but I'm going to start with just 1 for a month and see how I goes. I'll probably take extra when I explant so my body can be happy lol. It tastes like flavorless jello, kinda gross honestly. I tried it for the first time today and mixed it with just water and lemon juice. I have a feeling it will be hard to mask the jello flavor. At least the flavor is mild. Maybe I'll get used to it. Does anyone have any suggestions for masking the flavor of this stuff?
I also started taking a hair, skin, and nails supplement about a month and a half ago to help with hair loss and hopefully it will also help keep my boob skin nice too lol. So far my hair and nails are growing faster. Haven't noticed a change in my skin really.
Got my Feng package!!
Got my package of info and vitamins from dr Feng today in the mail. I'm so excited!! Terrified, yes, but excited!! Parts of me do still have doubt. But not the kind of doubt that is intuitive, more the kind that sinks in when you're doing what you know is right but it's terrifying and hard to do. I know this is what I want, I know this is right. I still have my demons and fears and insecurities....BUT I JUST CANT WAIT TO BE ALL NATURAL AGAIN!! If not for looks, for the physical feeling alone. Although I do love my implants sometimes, I feel way too top heavy most of the time. I really hope my shoulder pain subsides after explant. I'm sick of not being able to be active because of it. I love exercising and dancing!!! And being able to sleep on my right shoulder without immense pain lol. That's always a plus haha. Gosh. I can't believe this is all happening. I begin taking the supplements 2 weeks prior to surgery, which happens to be my 24th birthday!!! What beautiful symbolism, the healthy birth of a new beginning. Thank you to whoever reads this, it means so much to me to be heard and related to in this life changing experience. Love to all of you!!! Xoxo