So I've had a couple of unforeseen setbacks...
My boyfriend of 3 and a half years. I found all this wonderful porn stuff on his computer. A tumblr he made and religiously had been updating daily for the past year or year and a half or so. All about huge boobs and how much he loves them. The title of the blog was something stupid like GoodGodILoveBigTits or something stupid like that. Just filled with pictures of huge boobs, natural ones, lots of fake plastic looking ones. Basically, the opposite of how my boobs are going to look. As If I wasn't feeling concerned enough.
And if that wasn't a blow to the gut enough. Turns out he had also been using this porn site for the past year and a half, atleast, maybe longer. Online video chat site. He had paid for one on one videos with these gross disgusting whorish looking girls with huge fake plastic looking boobs. You know, one on one videos, where he gets them to do whatever he wants. and I got to see all the chat history with him and all these girls. Him calling them babe, love, beautiful, sexy,.. things that should have been reserved only for me. These women looked nothing like me. And the one that he talked to the most, and spent money on the most for one on one videos, looks nothing like me. brunnette, ton of makeup, really unnatural looking boobs, a twat that looks tiny like a ten year olds. I found her hideous. I don't understand why. I don't have a lot of self confidence, but I know that I am more beautiful than her, inside and out, but still, my low self confidence has gone even lower. I am disgusted with him for making me feel that I am not enough. I have since not been able to get my images of her and her stupid voice out of my hear.
My anger... I cannot explain my anger. I have borderline personality disorder, and I think that makes it even harder for me to deal with my emotions in a situation like this. I have good days, but most days I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. My view of him, is different, judgmental and changed for the worse. And for now, my view of men is different, judgmental, and changed for the worse (Not that it was in a good place to begin with). I feel that all or atleast most men, are only concerned with what material they're going to jack off to that day and atleast 50% of the time all they're thinking about are their cocks, or porn, or sluts, or huge fake tits and nasty women with painted faces and no moral compass. I think all men want a beautiful girl, to fill the void of love, compassion and warmth. And then on the side they also want or have this need to fill some void with porn, this carnal need for whores. It confuses me to no end, because I've never had a need to go look at cocks or talk to other men online. I don't think I can trust him again, or any man. I feel that I am trapped to be with him, and try to forgive him for this, or just follow a life of bad love affairs where I continue to get hurt in the same way. If I stay with him, how am I ever going to trust? Or feel that I am enough? If I wasn't enough with my huge boobs that he loves, and he still needed this shit on the side, how will I ever feel that I am enough when I have small boobs with scars??? I honestly think that because of this I may need to get back into therapy. ( I was seeing a shrink on and off from the ages of 17-20) . I have never felt, lower, and less physically attractive, and more insecure and taken advantage of, and just sickened, than I do right now at this point in life. How it is that someone who loves me, could put me in this state, I do not know. And if anyone wants to comment about how all men watch porn, and try to tell me that what he did is normal and ok, then please reserve your comment.
Aside from all this. I called my surgeons office, and asked the receptionist if she had a better idea for me of when this fall my surgery would be... September, October or November. and she laughed and said 'oh? It's a 12 month wait dear' no reservation or concern in her voice or apology or anything. I told her that the surgeon told me it was a 6-8 month wait, and she said ' No he was wrong its a 12 month wait'. She gave me a number to call the head of surgery at the hospital here, so I called her and she then informed me that it's actually a 12-14 month wait. This means that I won't have my surgery until February-April 2014. More months of mental torture.
Oh! and because of all this stress, I've gained 5-10 pounds and I'm pretty damn positive my boobs have actually gotten bigger. I'm almost 23 and my brain hasn't gotten the message yet. I'm certain that 2 years ago I was probably a 32DD and now I'm probably a 30F. I feel disgusting, and bitter, and angry, and betrayed, and broken down. I don't like being an adult, and I didn't like being a teenager either, and I haven't had a lot of fun memories, and I'm just losing my way.
But I know I really need to look a the longer wait as a way to try to sort myself out, maybe see a therapist, and try to heal some of my emotional wounds so I am better prepared to view myself in a positive way after all of this. Because right now I am a mess.