Removal After 3 Months - Best Decision Ever.

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I'm only 6 weeks post op, but I want to explant...

I'm only 6 weeks post op, but I want to explant really really badly.

I hate these stupid boobs with all my heart. I just wish I could snap my fingers and be back to what I was before all of this. I'm such an idiot for ever getting breast augmentation. Part of me truly resents myself for getting this procedure done.

I was so caught up in so many things, and I wish I was asked more questions, I wish I was worked more about what it feels like to carry around heavy implants.

I wish I made a different decision, because now I have to go under again, regardless of if it's to explant or to downsize.

Right now I'm leaning towards explanting, because if I want to I can always "re-implant" after.

Hopefully, everything will bounce back after a few months as I have not had them that long, and I'm young still (25).

I think one of the things that might suck the most is the stupid scaring. My incision is below the crease, however my PS lowered my creases to accommodate this stupid implant, so in surgery he will have to "raise" them... meaning my scar will now be below my crease... :(.

God I wish I never did this. Looking at my before pictures of my perfectly healthy young breasts, I wish I had gotten out of my head and really talked to more people about breast implants. I wish I had spent time on Real Self. I wish I had talked more about my insecurities with other people so that they didn't become the big monster that they ended up being for me in my head.

I wish a lot of things.

Still soo unsure.

If I could snap my fingers and have my old boobies back, I would.

I totally hate these stupid things on my best. I hate them.

I hate myself for putting unrealistic expectations on what I'm suppose to "look" like, be like etc. All for what? Seriously?! Like who the eff cares. I hate cute boobs before, they were not perky or perfect, but they were mine, and I enjoyed them so much. I wish I never picked them apart the way I did.

I went to my PS's office yesterday, didn't have an appointment, but just talked to the staff to ask if anyone had had an "explant" before... she said, no. Wow. Must really be something wrong with me to take these things so much lol.

I've thought about downsizing considerably. I'd still be rather large though, and I'd still have an implant in me. Which, guess what, sucks.

Hugging people sucks, forget laying on my stomach or on my side all I feel is implant. It's like I'm laying on two beach volleyballs .They look retarded when I lay down, like two mounds that separate...

When I bend over I literally look like I have utters. Gross.

It's just so stupid. I always wanted to "change" my body, strive to be something... but the truth is, I should have just accepted what I was and been happy with that and made the most of it. I shouldn't have gotten caught up in ideas that I needed to be something or someone else.

If could remove them and have them basically go back to what they were, I would be beyond trilled. I would be ecstatic. I would be, forever grateful and happy, and I would be way nicer to myself when it comes to my body and my expectations for how I am suppose to "look".

Seriously. I have no idea why I was so hard on myself. I remember just after getting my BA I went to the movies with a friend... and I saw all these couples, all these people together, and none of them looked perfect. None of them looked like they were going to win a "Spring Break" bikini contest. And yet, they looked happy, they look like they loved each other. They looked like how I used to, before I started hating myself.

I think I should get my implants out. I think I should learn to accept that I'm a little chubby, and I don't have "perfect" breasts. I think I should be okay with that. I think I should learn not to make apologies for the way I look, or don't look.

I think I need to accept my "cuteness" and not try so hard to look like something other than that.

I can't believe how much I used to like my boobs and how much I ironically started hating them as of recent. I mean really, who the eff does that?!

I should have left my breasts alone, and I now I have to deal with getting them removed, and waiting several months for them to "return" to their native state, which I'm really really hoping they will.

These boobs suck, and I don't think I will be happier if I get them smaller. I think I'll only be happy if I get them removed, which is unfortunate, because it's the hardest choice.

I just have to accept that I'm not a "big boob" girl. lol. Just going to have to find a guyy that's more into butts ahaha. I don't know. Just wishing I never did this, but I know the longer I keep them in, the more unhappy I'm just going to be.

Obsessing... worried about how my scars will show post removal.

I miss my old boobs so much :(.

Totally bums me out that even if I get them back I'm going to have stupid scars, and the scars will likely be below my boob, because my PS lowered my creases....

That's honestly the only thing I'm concerned about. Maybe that's stilly of me, for that to be my only concern, but it really is. I'm pretty sure that my boobs will bounce back, hopefully, and that's all that I really care about.

But I've been so many girls BA scars fade to nothing to the point where they can hardly see them?

And I suppose there are always scar "treatments" to encourage them to fade to nothing. But the fact that I'll aways be able to kind see them sucks.

I'm just going to downsize.

I know I've vented a lot on here, and as much as I would LOVE to take these things out, it's not a practical solution for me at this time.

So many women explant and look amazing after, however, I didn't have perky boobs to begin with. So if I got them out and there was a little more sag added to the mix, plus scars that would be very visible, (PS lowered my creases so my incisions would be under my boobs on my ribs) plus being in my 20s.... I couldn't live with that.

How would I date/meet guys/enjoy my body when I will have created a whole new set of body insecurities. Getting them out is what I want, but it's not the "best" option for me in many ways.

I would "feel" freer. That's 100% for sure. I would love to lay on my stomach and have nothing there. I ultimately regret my decision to have "implants", but now it is a choice I kinda have to live with. So many women have them, and love them, so I should be able to find a way to "embrace" them as well, for now.

But I will not "embrace" them until I am able to downsize considerably. I will venture into the 200cc range and show my PS frontal pictures of me "before" in hopes that we can bring my boobies closer visually to their more natural shape. :) A shape I thought I hated, but actually totally love and miss. Looking in the mirror and seeing porn star boobies is really upsetting. I never thought I would feel that way, but these boobs just have no character. They are beautiful, but they are cookie cutter, and really difficult to look at. The only thing I recognize is my nipples lol. And thank goodness for that!!!

I should also note that there are much bigger problems to be consumed with, and a breast augmentation with results that most women would kill for, and be elated and completely happy with is not something I should ruin my life over.

Although, I have considered it :).

I just feel like such a whiny brat. Oh I have perfect boobs now, poor me. blablabla.

When in reality, I know for a fact, that I've just jumped the gun, and many women who I'm now friends with will likely grow up have babies, buy new boobies to "perk" things up and live happily ever after. So many women LOVE their augmented breasts and wouldn't trade it for anything.

And that is the part that I'm trying to come to terms with and understand. There is a certain "body confidence" that comes with having great boobs. I can't deny that I would never flash anyone before, but how I wouldn't hesitate to lift my shirt up and give em a show. lol.

I get all those things. I just think this particular set is too big for me.

And I really wonder if I was able to be more "conservative" on my first go that I would have been totally happy, and not had any of these emotions at all. If I had started off in the 200cc range, they wouldn't feel heavy. They wouldn't feel like much at all. lol. All they would have done was just give a little extra to what I had, round things out in the front and I could have been one of those girls who's totally completely happy with her choice to "upgrade" her boobs.

So I'm really thinking if I scale things back, so I'm able to feel more light and free up top I'll be happy. My boobies will be more cute and less "BAM" in your face and then I can move on to worry about more important things in life.

I think the future of my boobie journey will be a lot similar to a boobie friend that I have made. My next surgery will be to downsize, and then any procedure after that will be to downsize or remove altogether. Although, if I'm honest, I don't think removal will happen until I'm much much older. Like grandmas status. Because then I will be all pump and round and I get them out, let things hang, and just not care. At that point it will be just about "feeling" a certain way.

Life lessons, but this has absolutely taught me not to be so critical of my body. And I know 100% that a little boob job is the only thing I will ever be doing to my body. Forget everything else, it's not happening.

I shall downsize a bunch so I can feel lighter and more free, and when I'm a grandma I'll take em out and let things hang!! :)

How I'm feeling today.

I go back and forth between downsize and remove. I realize alot of people on this forum are very "anti" and want everyone to remove, still don't know if that's best for me, but today I'm "leaning" that way. I go back and forth.

I've been weighing the pros and cons of both and trying not to get too crazy. Trying to think of short term vs. long term.

Pro's for downsizing:

1) won't have to look at a scar in the mirror everyday.
2) won't have to feel as ashamed in intimate situations.

Con's for downsizing:
1) I still have implants, which I hate. This portion of the list could go on and on forever to be honest lol. I literally hate everything about the way they "feel". The first few things that come to mind.... Can't lay on my tummy. Feels like there is a barrier between me and those I hug. Have not fully cuddled with anyone yet, but I would imagine I'd feel similar :(. Can't run. Forget running. It's not happening.
2) I would have to re-vist the "removal" question yet again, at a later date... and my "results" could possibly be much worst from having them in longer and being "older".

Pro's for removal:

1) no longer have implants, awesome.
2) might very well go back to my natural state given age/and lack of time i've had them in. and I now appreciate the way natural breasts look! i love them way more than fake balls. fake balls look hideous to me now, i wish i wasn't so brainwashed before.
3) don't have to deal with this issue ever again, i can accept myself as i am and focus on the more important things in life with out having to worry about another surgery or some kind of impending implant doom.

Con's for removal:

1) what will i look like if my ps dosen't "restore" my fold the way it was? that would suck.
2) have to wait out scar healing, as they will likely be on my ribs, bummer. it shall be a friendly reminder in the mirror for a while. and then i will likely seek out scar removal treatments so that they blend and fade as much as possible, because i hate scars.

So yeah... that's where I'm at. Back and forth, back and forth.

If my ps can restore my fold, and I can go back to basically what I was before, I'd be so happy. I'd feel like the freest person ever. Scars I shall have to deal with, which will suck, but I have no reservations about paying/traveling to see specialist to have them removed. I'm that vain about scars.

But I know if I got them out, and the scars faded... a few years from now it would be kinda like the whole thing never happened. Ya know? Like it would just be a joke of my 20s, those unfortunate couple months I spent with giant boobs?! lol. I don't know.

However, I am very sure that these stupid things are not "figure" enhancing at all, and I look like an idiot. :)


For pros for downsizing, when I say shamed in intimate situations... I'm really just talking about the "immediate"... I know my scars will fade and getting nakey post removal won't be an issue. I don't have a ton of boob anyway lol.

Still back and forth.

So here is the deal.

I don't see my PS for another 7 days.

Ultimately, I want them the eff out. I hate them. BUT I know I can't go all cray without thinking about the consequences of my next move.

1) I have decided that if my PS can "restore" my fold to it's original state, and he feels confident in that, then I will likely remove. Scars will suck, but in a years time, after expensive ass scar treatments, they'll be nothing. And my dream is to have these removed and go back to the way I was soo that would make me most happy.

2) But if my PS isn't confident in restoration... downsize the eff, 200cc range, likely mod+, but maybe moderate. Learn to love and adopt them as my own, and live happily ever after.

I completely hate the way implants look on my body. These things are so big, and so ugly. I just wasn't meant for big ole boobs.

Another thing... my mood is better, I'm feeling way less panic etc. Mostly because I know what my options are, and because regardless of what ends up happening, it's going to be okay.

Although... fingers crossed, kinda hoping my ps is secretly a hero and can "restore" my creases no problemo. Maybe that kind of thinking is too wishful though.


The idea of removing is still the most attractive too me.

WHY did my ps have to lower my damn creases, this who "removal" thing would be so much easier if he hadn't.

The Dream/ My Ideal

If I could have anything, I would want my PS to remove, restore my creases and for things to "bounce back" to pretty much where they were. I don't care if it takes a couple months, but it would make me so happy.

Then I would baby and nurture my "new" "old" boobies, wait for the scars to heal up and then plan for scar therapy, which would likely be re-cell spray on skin, or something of that nature.

And then, a few years from now, it would be like I never touched my boobs. Like this whole stressful nightmare never happened.

Darn. This is soo hard.

I still have to wait a week. I've written so much here today already, but it's literally all I can think about before I have to go to work.

I keep trying to go back and "imagine" everything as if it never happend, if I had felt differently the day of my op, or if I had talked to someone, or someone had said something different. SO many things go through my mind in relation to that. It's hard.

I think getting them out will make me the most happy, I really do, because then I don't have to deal with any further boob issues. I know raising my crease is not an impossible feat, so I'm really really hoping my PS feels confident in being able to do that, and I can have my old cute little boobies back.

I feel sick over wishing I had never done this every single day. I'm envious of young girls who have had theirs removed and look great after. I'm hoping soo badly that if I chose to remove my results will be as favorable.

I really wish I never did this, but if I could have my old boobs back, which I hated, and should never have hated. I'd be happy.

I also thing, in some ways I could learn to live with downsizing. I could learn to accept that. It would suck, but it would be liveable and comfortable and I could get on with life okay I suppose.

I just want all this non-sense out of my head.

*sigh*.... I want them out. But I think downsizing might make more sense in may "visual" ways. Damn. Why did I have to do this? I'm so freaking stupid.

I wish I could go back in time. I wish I could undo all my stupid.

Talked to my mom about it.

Talked to my mom about it again today.

She will support me in anything I chose. She's going to come with me to my post-op next Friday as well. My dad doesn't know about the whole thing, so she's asking me if we should tell him just so he's in the loop, she said it's my choice. I'm not sure I want to tell him. Because I think it will only compound the stupid I feel, but I just might let him know so that I have the extra support, even though I realize he will have no idea what I'm going through lol.

I think my mom is hoping I lean towards downsizing. I hope I can lean towards that too in a way. I don't hate implants, I don't think their evil. I just think, they really might not be for me.

Like I've said before, if I could snap my fingers and not have ever done this. I'd be right there. If time machines were a thing, I'd be first in line.

I totally hate myself for this, and I go over and over and over it every single second of the day. What a waste of time and energy.

If I could go back to how I was and just have to deal with fading the scars, I would like that very much. That seems like the most freeing option. That seems most like something I want.

But then I'm just wondering.... is that only because I'm not faced with the pressures right now that I was feeling before? I mean I know 100% these are too big, they do not fit my body and I look like an idiot. But if the implant was smaller and everything was more natural looking, might I be happier? More "confident" if things were more subtle and tasteful? Would I be able to forget about this whole mess if my boobs fit into a C cup bra and were not in fact bigger than my head?

GOD. I JUST WISH I NEVER DID THIS. I wish I never did this, I wish I just loved myself. These things are so uncomfortable, and the muscle pain aches in my chest I just want it all gone. I just wish I accepted me the way I was. I just wish I could cuddle up with someone who cares about me with out these giant basketballs in the way.

I wish I could go back to this time last year and tell myself to stop hating myself.

Maybe getting them out is the only way I'll be happy?

Who knows. I just want to feel like me again.

Keep wishing.

I keep wishing I never did it.

I was going to hang out with a guy "friend" later. Plans didn't end up working out, but it just made me think about how stupid I was about being so scared to "bare all" before. Before my breasts didn't ache. Before I was able to run. Before I was able feel free.

My muscles literally ache and feel like their on fire right now. There is so much pain in my chest, it's unbearable. It hurts so badly. I just think this time last year my boobs were fine, I was not mentally find with them, but they were fine, they were happy. They were soft, warm, squishy, mine.

I really hope my PS is confident in putting my creases were they were. I really really really hope he is. I really want them out. More than anything right now that's what I want.

I keep semi-thinking about downsizing. But I feel like then I'll still be on this ride, and I want off this ride. I wish I never got on.

I'm really really hoping my PS can rise my crease to where they were.

I really really really hope that.

Talked to one of my best friends yesterday...

I wish I had talked to more people before I got it done, because I probably wouldn't have got it done... and I think I knew that deep down, and that's why I avoided telling people. God I hate myself.

I showed her my new boobs, and she was all like "omg they're perfect" "they're not too big" blalblabla. She was like one the next few months they'll get smaller, maybe you'll like them if they're smaller.

I told her they're either out or they're doing to be downsized a lot.

I talked about everything I was feeling and she was just like well... it sounds like you want them out! lol.

And it's true, I do really really want them out. I wish I never did this, and if there is any hope to going back to where I was before, I'll take it. I want it, I miss my old boobies.

I showed her picture of before and after and she was like omg they're cute, but they're so much smaller than I thought. She's like everyone in high school was always so jelly of your boobs because you always had perfect cleavage, which I did, because my boobs sat really high on my chest wall so they were easy to squish together.

And I look back, and I'm thinking... I never really hated my boobs all that time. I mean I hated that I thought they could be bigger, but I always thought of them as an attractive part of my body. WHAT HAPPENED? Where did I go? Why did I lose myself? Why did I put so much pressure on myself for perfection?

She could see how upset I was over the whole thing, and she was just like...
"look, you couldn't have known. you didn't know how you were going to feel. now you can get them out and go back to where you were, or just get them smaller"

I wish I had this conversation with her before I went under, I wish I had been more open about my boob insecurities, got opinions, and had people tell me I was beautiful the way I was.

NOW I'm in such a freaking mess. I feel like the whole summer is straight up ruined.

I was just such an advocate for natural things before. I don't know why I ever thought it was okay to mess with my breasts?!!! WHY?!!

Why did I ever let anyone cut me open? LIKE I'M SUCK A FREAKING IDIOT.

I hate myself so much over things. I regret the surgery more than anything. It was the absolute worst decision I have ever made.

I just want them out so I can baby them, have heal them back to what they were. I wish I left them alone. I wish I accepted my smaller breasts and didn't put so much pressure on my self to have big perfect boobs.

There is like 10% of me that will still consider downsizing, but day by day I'm more headed towards removal. :(

Really hoping I'll get them out they'll bounce back, I can treat the scars, and it will all be like it never happened. That's literally my goal, for everything to heal up, and in a few years time, it's all like it never happened.

Should also note:

Ran from the coffee shop to the car yesterday because it was raining and my muscles have been hating me ever since :(.

Sooo much pain.

Pretty much just feeling sorry for myself all day :(.

I don't think I'm going to have relief until I talk to my ps this Friday.

Well, hopefully I have relief. I just want him to tell me that he can take them out restore my fold and I can go back to "normal".

I wish I never did this. And I'm hoping this time next year, it's like it never happened.

I'm happy my mom is going with me, I need the support. Wish I needed the support before, might not have gotten my stupid boobs done. UGH.

If they go back to the way they were I will be SOOOO elated. Soo happy.

If I hate them, which I really hoping against, someone will always be there to "augment me".

But through this whole thing, I've re-found my appreciation for my "natural self". And I just hope and pray and things turn out okay for me.

I have so many before pictures and videos of me, and looking at them now, I have no idea why I thought there was anything wrong with my boobs. They were just fine. I was just fine the way I was.

I never needed bigger rounder boobs, and I just can't believe I let myself get caught up in any of this crap.

This absolute bull. It's such a shame, really, the focus and the pressure that's put on our physical bodies to be something.

Even talking to my mom and my friend, it's like you can tell they wish they had my "new boobs", because "they're perfect"... WTF.

My mom was even saying after she finally loses her "weight" she's going to think about getting her done. I cannot. I cannot even imagine. I'm just so pissed off that plastic surgery even exists outside of medical necessity in the case of reconstruction... I told my mom "no". I said "don't touch a thing, leave it all where it is, and don't even put undo pressure on yourself to lose a certain amount of weight". My mom's heavy, but not that heavy. AND MY MOM IS IN HER 50's. Which I get is still young, but she's got great kids, great job, happily married. Leave things alone. Be happy with what you have, be happy that you are healthy and whole, be grateful.

Which is exactly what I should have done. I should have been grateful. I should have listened to my true self more. I should have not been so diluted into thinking having a "spring break" body would make me feel better. I don't know why I thought that. I don't know why I thought having bigger boobs would make me so much happier and so much more comfortable in "intimate" situations.


My "perspective" has totally changed. I wish it had changed before I got my stupid ass boobs. I really do. then instead I could sit here being thankful that I dodged a bullet instead of trying to get my life back.

I know it will be okay. I just have to have faith that all will be restored, and it shall just be a lesson learned.

A tough lesson. And I shall never envy women with large breasts ever again.

I miss running.
I miss my miraculous push up bra.
I miss feeling light and free.
I miss being whole and natural and myself.

I have high hopes that things will turn out okay.
I have gained perspective that I once had, but lost.

Trying not to obsess today!

Going to try my darnedest not to play the "if I could turn back time" game today, shall try and think positive about everything and not freak out!

Easier said then done, but this issue is not that big, it can be fixed! I can go back to how I was or I can go smaller, those are my options. I just have to choose.


Love this blog because I run my mouth about all the crazy feelings I'm feeling lol.

I can assure the world that I'm still logical and clear headed, just hate my boobs :).


So I booked another consult with a different PS. Just to get a second opinion and see where things can go.

This PS also "specializes" in fat transfer. I don't know that that's something I want, but I thinking if my boobs come put with much less "volume" than before, it might be an option down the line to fill things out. But very very little, I don't think I'd let them take more fat then what was on my back etc. I wouldn't do arms legs or any thing of that sort.

I just feel so stupid still for ever letting someone cut me open. I really wish I could go back. Because now I have to deal with soo much "healing" which sucks. When I was fine just the way I was. Seriously, I was perfect and I messed with it.

Emotionally, I want removal asap. Logically, I feel like I need to weight my options about how the "aesthetic" outcome might be better if I just go with much smaller implants.

But ideally, I don't want to be "implanted" with anything.

And if I don't get them removed now... I'm just going to have to get them removed later. Right? I mean. I don't know. Just pissed that I did this, and trying to find something I can live with and still look good.

Should have left myself alone.

Because now it looks like things are going to get costly, both money wise... and in terms of time.

Because, if I get them out in the next month, I'm going to have to heal for at least 6 months and wait for the final result of that. Then next summer I will likely have "re-cell spay on skin" done to the area, because I even though I know the incisions will fade into nothing, I would like to expedite the healing process as much as possible. And if I do "re-cell" the scars will be gone in no where near as much time as it would have taken to happen "naturally".

Basically, I just want to go back to where I was. There was nothing wrong with me, everything was cute and how it should be. I'm really mad at myself for having this procedure done. I truly wish I never did it. But I know in time everything will go back to normal, and I will be just fine, and wiser for the experience.

I just need to keep reminding myself that it could be worse. And that, although I'm uncomfortable, I'm still whole, everything is still intact, and everything can be fixed, I just need to be grateful.

Just wanna.

Just want to lay down without melons on my chest :).

To actually lay on my tummy and feel natural breast tissue and then sternum, would be a dream.

Kind of.

Kind of super excited about the idea of getting them out and have a little tiny fat transfer to make up for any volume that was lost in removal. Although, really, there shouldn't be any considering I've only had them for like 2 months.

Still, that option sounds really appealing to me!


Tried to get some writing done for a few hours sitting up at my desk and I think my neck and back nearly gave up on me!

Soo crazy!!!

Had more talks with my mom. She thinks we should tell my dad just so he can be there for me and "support" me. Ugh. I want to tell him, but I still think he'll be so disappointed in me. What father wants to hear that his daughter now how porn star boobs. My mom doesn't think they're porn-star-ish or too big, but they absolutely are.

Anyways, I just think my dad will think I've "ruined" myself. Then my mom was all... "boob jobs aren't usually associated with things like that, people view them more as improvements".. which is true. But I think I still think I've "ruined" myself... and will likely think that until they are out and I feel and look normal again. Hemm.

I just kept telling my mom that I wish I never did this, because now I have all these stupid ass boob issues I have to deal with. And because I hate all these stupid ass boob issues. I think removal makes the most sense, because if I don't get them removed, I'm just going to have boobie issues looming over me for the rest of my life. Unless I die at like 30 or something, then I wouldn't have to worry about a thing.

I just feel so damn uncomfortable with these melons. They aren't squishy, they don't move like natural boobie. They feel retarded.


Smaller implant is still on the table as an option, even though the dream of having them out is still alive and well. I can't get carried away and have unrealistic expectations for anything.

I can't wait to see my PS on Friday, he's going to think I'm crazy for not being totally in love with my big round beach balls. lol.

Suddenly I think about every girl with implants and I feel bad for them. I feel like carrying these things is such a damn burden. I don't know, maybe my perspective is just really skewed, I just wish that breast augmentation didn't exist outside the realm of necessary reconstruction. Then I wouldn't be in this dumb ass mess.


Ugh. My mom wants me to stop obsessing, but I can't. Boobs are a big deal right now because I have to decide their fate. Will they be implanted or not.

Wish I never did this, good grief. Never have my thoughts ever been so selfish.

Gawd I'm stupid. Just want to bop myself on the head.

Luckily I'm going out later so I won't be able to sit and stew all evening.

Just want my old boobs back. :( . So sorry that I messed with you!!

Kind of spooked.

Had a long talk with both my parents last night.

My dad knows now. He's sad for me, but supportive. both my parents are surprised in all honestly that it was something I ever wanted to do, because they always thought I viewed my body as a "temple"... and I did/do, but I guess I was willing to exchange some of that for the sake of looks. Which I feel like an idiot about...still.

Both my parents are fully sportive if I want to remove or downsize, but they both think that the only thing that's going to make me truly happy is to remove.

I agree. That is the only thing thats going to make me truly happy, but now that I'm more serious about removal, the fear about the reality of what I'll look like after has set in, and I'm trying to deconstruct all the things I hated about my boobs before in efforts to understand if I will be able to look in the mirror after all is healed and done with and truly accept myself, and not be the same insecure girl about my boobs that I was before.

The thing is... I look at pictures from before. I remember my mind my boobs from before, and I don't think they really look any better now. Now they just look stupid. Like really super stupid.

I look better with less boob, what can I say.

I think I just need to accept my old shape more.

And I need to find comfort in knowing that I feel like too much volume/shape is lost during the removal, there are specialists, where I live that do fat transfers and they can easily get me back to where I was, and possibly better.

It's just if I get them out... I don't want to be wondering "oh what if I only had x amount of cc's instead, maybe that would have been better" Uhhh no. I don't want to be wondering those things. I just want to be happy with natural boobs. That pirk up when I'm excited and sit a little lower when I'm not.

It's just hard to imagine when I look in the mirror at these retarded melons what my old boobs will look like. If I'll be able to truly accept myself. Because if I don't think I can, that's a problem. So, I need to really think about that.

Like I've said before, if I could snap my fingers and have my old boobs back I would, so I need to think about that in terms of my next step, and I need to think about what my goals are long term.

I'm just really trying to walk myself through all the things I hated about my old boobs, the things that led me to this place to begin with, and see if those are things I can live with, and accept now.

Looks are they everything? & How do other girls live with implants?

Another thing...

When I was talking to my dad yesterday and we were going over removal/downsizing, he was just like, your so active I think if you go smaller they're still going to bother you... well, he's pretty much right about that.

But then we started talking about looks etc. And he somehow ended up saying that smaller implants might end up "looking" better, but the comfort wouldn't be there.

This kinda makes me feel a little unsure now in some ways. Ugh.

The temptation to trade a bit of comfort for looks.

Because if I went smaller, I'd feel more free then I do now, but I wouldn't feel all the way free, and I'd still have to deal with boobie issues 10+ years from now. Even if I didn't have kids, and had minimal changes in my weight, what are the chancse that they'd still look okay years and years down the line? How many surgeries would I have to have?

Worse is, right now, everyone except for me thinks my boobs look "great".

My mom thinks they look great, just "too perfect".
My best friend thinks they look amazing and is "jealous".


I just wish "implants" were for me. There are so many damn women who have them and are "happy"? Right? I mean how many women get them, get them bigger, and bigger, and are thrilled to have big milk jugs on their chest?

I know there are a lot of women on realself who feel the way I do. Who feel like breast implants are not for them, and some of which have even had the misfortune of dealing with medial issues as a consequence. WHICH I feel stupid for negating before, I thought all of those women were simply "quacks", but they are not, the issues that they have with their implants are real.

I know personally, there is a foggy flightiness to my brain that simply did not exist before, and I have a hard time sitting up at a desk for longer than an hour or so with out every part of my back and neck freaking out.

I just don't know what to do. I thought I was "improving" myself by having this surgery, but I should have known how contrary I truly am. How whatever is popular, I do the opposite, I like the opposite.

I just thought I was taking care of something I was insecure about. But I feel like I've never been more insecure about my boobs than I am now.

I still wish I had never done this, so perhaps the best solution really is to remove, and move on like it never happened.

It's just I worry that by not downsizing and just removing, I am in fact, in some ways, making myself less "attractive"... and that's something I'm sort of truing to think about now.

I don't have anyone significants in my life at the moment, but if I were too... would I just downsize so that I could still "compete"? So that I could still be considered highly attractive in the boob department? What will those pressures feel like if I get them removed? Will I regret not just going smaller and having relatively "attractive boobs?"

Shoulda just left myself alone. I almost think a life of wondering what it might be like to have implants would be better than having to deal with all this crap right now.

The emotional part of me still wants them out, so that they can be mine and I can baby them.

The logical part says think carefully and consider downsizing.

No more padded bras?!

I think if I get my implants removed, I'm going to say so long to padded bras. I don't want to keep trying to sell "cupcakes". I just want to look leaner and closer to my natural proportions.

Padded bras made me feel pressure. It made me feel like I was selling something I didn't have. And that ultimately I would disappoint. So stupid. But really, no more padded bras for me. I should really leave them alone. Just a normal nice lined bra, that's it.

Tired of life being about tits.

Starting to get excited!

I'm kinda starting to get excited about my old boobies.

I've missed them, and when I look at my boobs and my dumb implants I can see remnants of my old shape and my old boobies, and I'm starting to smile about it, because I know I'll have my old boobies back soon :) *fingers crossed*

Let's hope my PS takes pitty on me and schedules a removal asap.

Two More Days!!!

I see my PS this Friday (finally)!!!

If he doesn't book "removal" for July though, I'm going to find another PS.

Can't stand living with these things, want them out ASAP.

Soo many typo's lol.

Love how many typos are in my posts!!

You can tell I write them so quick, just to get things out.

Just trying to get really excited for removal. Ready to heal and move on with my life.

My Dad.

I can tell I'm totally breaking my dads heart with this whole thing. I know he's so worried about me. It sucks.

I should be making them proud, not making my parents worry over the elective surgery I'm having. I'm a fun, smart, creative, interesting young person and I feel like I've dwindled some of that. I mean this whole summer is a freaking crap shoot because it's literally been all about my breasts. From May, till now, till whenever I get the crap out of me. I hate it.

I hate it, but I'm hoping so badly that the second I get them out I just feel light. I'm really hoping I just go back to where I was and learn to appreciate it. Learn to silence any of those BS thoughts. Any and all of that crap that says my breasts are too this or too that or too whatever. Fuck that shit. All I want is my old boobs back. And I just want to love them and care for them and be happy.

I can't believe I let myself do this. I can't believe I didn't at least entertain the idea of having someone who cares about me at least "try" and talk me out of it. BECAUSE honestly, I was so subject to influence when it came to getting them that I probably would have listened to someone trying to talk me out of it. I probably would have listened to someone telling me that I was beautiful the way I was.

But I didn't even give anyone in my life the chance. And for that I'm selfish and suborn.

I also think the lack of boyfriend over the past two years might have played into it. I think I've forgotten what real relationships are all about, especially since hookups are all shallow and about body parts etc.

I think I just became so cold and so doubtful that I'd ever find anyone of quality. And in hanging out and hookup I saw all of the worst sides of men, young and old, and it scared me. It scared me a lot.

It scared me so much into thinking that the only value I really had to the opposite sex was how I looked. And as I've learned, I looked damn fine, there was nothing wrong with any of my body parts, everything was cute, and natural, and me. But that wasn't enough. I wanted to "sexualize" myself more. I didn't think my parts were erotic looking enough, desirable enough. I wanted more shape, more size, more perfection.

At the cost of gaining someone else's pleasurable gaze I was willing to trade:

1) The possible loss of breast sensitivity, also known as MY OWN SEXUAL PLEASURE.
2) My physical health, allowing myself to be cut open and subjected to possible infection, further complications, and even death. Not to mention the fact that these risks would come up again every decade or so when I'd have to exchange the implant.
3) My ability to be physically active and move freely in my body with out undue aches and pains in my chest, back, and neck from the weight of the implants.
4) Peace of mind, knowing that you have a prosthetic in your body is something you will always be cognizant of. You don't simply "forget" you have implants. The worry and awareness is always there.

Obviously, these are my top issues. There are so many other complications and risks, especially as I would have gotten older, with possible pregnancy (although unlikely for me), and the fact that all silicone implants start to bleed at around year 8? WTF. Even saline implants run a ton of their own risks. None of them are really safe, and they all carry their own level of possible contamination and toxicity to the body.

Just want my old boobs back.

Boobie dreams.

Last night I had more boobie dreams.

Sometimes I dream that I never had my BA and I wake up almost feeling like old me.

Sometimes I dream that more of my family knows about my sticky BA situation and they're all disappointed and upset with me.

Just have to get through today and tomorrow and then I'll know the verdict.

Really hope my PS can get these things out in July. I want them out so badly. It's like everyday I have them, the more freaking miserable I become. The more I miss the confidence I used to have.

I've purchased soo many skin tightening firming oils lotion and contraptions to help things along when I remove lol. Not to mention supplements.

Just want these things out!!! Would be so much happier right now if I had chosen to never do this. I'm the dumbest person on the planet.

The sadness and disappointment my parents must feel towards me, I can't imagine.

I just want them out so I can move on with my life.

Among many things, one of the biggest things I miss...

Wearing a big cozy school sweater with no bra on underneath. :)

Felt amazing!!!

Feels like...

Feels like the next two days might be a little rough because I'm so anxious about Friday. I just want him to tell me he'll remove in July. I just want him to tell me that he'll take them out asap.

Still secretly wishing I had a time machine.

But I know that if I get them out soon, I'll snap back to where I was and all will be right with the world. And I will be free from pressures and obsessing about boobs. I will take care of the ones God gave me, and I will continue to nourish my mind and my body.

I'm trying not to look at my "implanted" boobies too much. Not that that's a difficult task, I hate them. I just don't want my mind to get used to them. I keep trying to remember what my natural set looked like in the mirror and in pictures and I'm trying to stick to that.

I still feel so awful for putting my body through so much undue stress. I mean really, I've never had surgery in my life and now in a summer I will have had two. For what? To look exactly how I did prior to this whole mess. To just be as I was. I wish I could have learned this lesson a long time ago. I'm still very mad at myself. But that's slowly going away, just because I know I have the opportunity now to go back to how I was. I know by next summer this will just be a sort of chilling memory, a rough spot in my life, a big mistake that I will have moved beyond.

Just wish I never did it. So crushed that I went though with this whole thing. I wish I didn't have such balls. This surgery is my biggest regret.

Just want to be and feel like my old self again.

Just have to think positive.

I'll get my old boobs back.

6 months down the line I will spend a butt load on scar treatments to remove them.

I can live the rest of my adult life implant free, loving myself, being able to run and be active, not having to worry about repeat surgeries. Not having to envy women with large breasts or implants because I know the burden they carry.

I'm so sorry that I ever did this to myself, and I'm hoping that all can be restored.

What I used to know.

Took the girls for a "spin"

Took my BA boobs for a spin in an intimate situation today.

"Nicest boobs ever" he said.

I thought for years, hearing those words would give me some kind of golden validation, that the heavens would open up and suddenly I would be the ultimate women. That my "perfect" breasts would some how make me better than all of the other partners mine had before. Stupid right? So totally stupid, I can't even tell you.

Not all fantasies should become reality, and not all fantasy's end up feeling as good as we think they will. So what he grabbed my boobies and told me they were perfect. It didn't make the sex better. It wasn't the best sex I've ever had. I had better sex before my BA, with my own damn boobs. I don't remember anyone ever muttering the words "perfect" about my breasts, attention was paid to them, but those words never spoken. However, there were many nice complements about my butt! Which is absolutely all mine! Part genetics, part earned though squats and kettlebells!!

I'm not a big boob girl. I thought I was, but I can tell you that I'd be much happier with a flat chest right now then what I have going on. There is a sportiness and ease to lack of boobage that I wish I still had. My boobs were not super small before, they were about a "small girls" handful, but they were FINE.

I just always felt zoo awkward about them and I don't know why.

For the longest time I thought big ole fake boobs were the greatest most attractive thing in the world, but they're just not everything, and even having them is not as fun as I imagined. They did not magically make anything about my sexual experience better. Hearing that I had "perfect" breasts (no shit I paid 8 grand for them LOL) didn't do much at all.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't think "bigger, rounder" boobs was going to make everything in my life magically awesome. I just thought it would help with some of my insecurities during sex, and I have to be honest and say, it absolutely did not. Those insecurities were in my head.

The only thing that was wrong with my natural breasts was the fact that they were attached to a girl with very low self-esteem. Who failed to see herself for what she really was. And in doing so, failed to let people love and appreciate her because she felt she didn't "deserve" it.

So stupid. All of it.

Big fake boobs are not for me, even though I always thought they would be.

Lightbulb. :)

Spoke with the sweetest girl earlier!! She's going through the same thing, and she mentioned this notion that the breast implant simply just act as a "pillow" against your natural tissue.

I'm not sure why, but after hearing that, and then reading it for myself, it made me look at implants a completely different way... and it also made me feel better about my decision to remove. Yay!

Still anxious about Friday when I get to talk to my PS, but just super excited at the same time! Very soon, shall be free from the burden I put on myself for no good reason :) lol. I cannot wait!!!

I was in a good mood and tried to talk to my dad more about how I'm happier with the whole thing now, and even thought it's good news I'm pretty sure he just wanted me to shut it. My dad is there to support me, but I think it's almost too much for him, even though I haven't talk to him that much about it, it's just a lot of boob talk. I think he blames himself for not somehow being able to save me from ever doing the surgery in the first place. And I can understand that.

But the whole thing was my stupid doing. Seriously. I will likely not trust myself to make a decision ever again, for along time. My judgement sucks.


Breast implant removal myths:

With simple breast implant removal, you can be fairly assured that your breasts will return to the size and appearance they would have had 1 1/2 years later if the implants hadn't been there aside from the scar to put them in. Assuming the breasts were not distorted by the procedure to put the implants in they should have had no effect on the size and shape of the breast. **They act like a pillow**

It amazes me that experience plastic surgeons believe certain myths about breast implants. Breast implants do not lift the breast when they are put in and they don't make the breast sag when they are taken out. They also don't make breasts sag because of their size or location or type. It's an illusion that breasts look lifted after an augmentation and it's an illusion that they sag because the implants are taken out. Breasts sag for other reasons and might need a lift several years later after implants but might need a lift then but not because of the implant.

There is no need to do anything other than reopening the incision (if it's in the inframammary crease), remove the implant, and close the incision which can be done with simple local anesthesia. It's harder if the implant was placed through some other incision or the type of implant is not known.
- Scott L. Replogle, MD

I know I want them out.

I know I want them out, it just sucks that there are so many things about the way that they "look" that I like. Event though this set is far too big for me. Like WAYY too big. The stupid pirky fullness is alluring. Hence, why I got in this stupid mess in the first place.

Going smaller wouldn't really help. It wouldn't put me a poison of where I need to go. And regardless of how these stupid things "look"... they feel awful.

I just wish I never did this, then I'd never know how "great" they could actually look.

I just don't want to be a big boob girl. They look amazing, but it's not real, and it's just a lifetime of upkeep and burden.

I mean literally, I can't keep them because they cause me soo much physical pain and limit my ability to do every physical activity I used to enjoy.

I liked my old boobs before I started picking at them, and finding everything wrong with them. Now, I'm just going to have to go back and accept myself for what I truly am. And I know in the future, bigger is not better, not by any means at all.

Fat transfer sure, I'll consider that if I ever feel like I've lost a lot of "volume"... but I really hope and pray that my mind never goes to "implants" again. They are a nightmare. A nightmare that I wish never happened to me.

Shoulda left myself alone!!

I just have to look forward to feeling like me again, being active again.

No I won't have perfect stripper breasts, but I'll be happy and light and free!!

Kinda pissed!!!

Went to my post op today, and also explained my reasoning for wanting removal.

I was pretty clear, I wasn't super emotional about any of it. He kept trying to get me to further explain, which irritated me. He kept asking questions like he was going to hit at some weakness in my reasoning. He didn't. I know I want to remove. What's the big deal?

I got to set a date, so luckily I'll get them out after only having them for 3 months, but he still stressed that he wants me to "think about it" and "really be sure" and blablabla.

He wasn't positive about removal at all. Likely because he doesn't really do any. Girls want em bigger, bigger and bigger where I'm from apparently. No one wants to be natural, or live a life with out Barbie boobs.

He told me a lot of things that made no sense, especially given the short while that I've had implants. He pretty much said that things would be more droopy than before and that I would have extra skin that grew from having the implant in?! WTF. A lot of thing things he said didn't even make any sense, ESPECIALLY given my age and the short short amount of time that I've had the implants?! I was like..."well I'm pretty confident I'll pretty much go back to where I was".

He just wasn't positive about removal at all. But he is a good PS and he knows what he did, so it's likely that he's still the best for "undoing" what I never should have paid him to do in the first place.

I do have another consult with a "reconstruction specialist" who's also a really great PS, but I don't know that I'll really make the switch, if anything it will just be about getting a second opinion. That's all.

So basically in a few weeks time, I'll be implant free!!


So over this ish. Wish I never did it, but thankful that I have been afforded the graces to be able to go back.

Still totally pissed off at the attitudes I was met with today though. Even the patient co-ordinators were rude. They were so smiley and happy to see me before, but now, not so much. They just don't understand why I wouldn't want implants, and are pretty irritated with me it seems, even though I haven't given them a hard time about anything or really made any real sort of fuss.

You'd think they were refunding me all the thousands of dollars I've spent. Nope. All I get is my old boobs back, and piece of mind.

Wish I never messed with myself in the first place, but thankful that I have the chance to restore everything :).

Can't wait.


Freaked out again this morning.

My mom says I'm super obsessed and its not healthy. I agree, but at the same time, it's like.... trauma, regret, pain, discomfort, not being about to move like I used to. It's all alot.

On top of that I have to decide what I'm doing about my stupid boobs. Right now I'm pretty dead set on removal, my original surgeon was an ass yesterday when I talked about removal, soo luckily I have an appointment with another PS who specializes in reconstruction, and I'm hopeing he's my guy.

I know the likelyhood of me going back to where I was is pretty great, but that didn't mean I'm not stressed the eff out about everything.

I did have a couple moments this morning where I thought about downsizing again. But I mean, ultimately that's not what I want, and I just feel like it'll be harder to get where I want to go (back to my natural shape) if I keep them in longer.

Its effing stressful, it's all consuming. I'm trying to imagine light at the end if this tunnel and sometimes I can see it, and othertimes, I can't.

It's going to be okay regardless, but it's alot to deal with right now, and it's a butch because all this crap is self inflicted.

Still feeling like crap about everything with my parents, I'm at and age where I'm suppose to be out making them proud and instead I'm in my bedroom envying women's after removal pictures.

My self essteem is pretty much in the dirt. I think I might have to "see" someone, at some point, just so my parents don't think I'll flip the lid.

Everything in my life has just gotten really coudy and awful. I feel like I've ruined myself, even though I know I haven't. And I just... Wish I could go back and make a different decision.

I wish I never did this, and I'm hoping I can undo it.

I just doubt even know what to make of my life anymore. This is one of the darkest things that's ever happened to me.

I just want to be okay with myself and my body again.

I want them out, but

I want them out, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified of the outcome. Because I am, I'm really scared I won't go back to where I was. :(

Woke up at 4am in a panic again, still can't believe I'm in this mess in this first place.

I just...

I just have to keep reminding myself that things are going to be okay.

I'm freaked out completely, but the chances of be going back to were I was are high, and everything is "fixable".

I'm still totally losing it over this whole thing, wondering how stupid I could have been to have done this in the first place. But I do think I need to tone it down with my parents, because it's so difficult for them to understand what I'm feeling, and they are kind of "sick of it" in away.

My mom said she keeps having dreams where this whole thing never happened. I told her I have the same dreams.

I want them out so badly, but I'm really just terrified. I'm temped to just downsize or something and move on with my life, even though I know the boobie chapter will still be open to some degree. And the chances of be being "uncomfortable" are still high.

I will be looking into "seeing" someone this week, maybe make an appointment with my family doctor or whatever get her to refer me. I wish I had seen someone before I let a PS cut my boob! Ugh.

This is all just kind of impossible for me to contend with right now. I know I have to make decision and think clearly, but I do really want to just curl up into a ball and wish for this all to be over.

Wondering if I'll even have the capacity to deal with day to day life after all of this. lol.

I should have never done it. I'm hoping I can reverse it, but damn I'm so scared :(.

BUT!! Then I look at pictures of women who had it WAY worse then me, like their implants were crazy saggy and they had a rupture, and I look at their before and afters, and they look great, it eases my mind. Some of these women are like 20+ years older than me and I would trade racks with them in a second. I really would!!

Soo as much as this whole thing sucks, I have to realize, that when I get them removed, it's not the "final" outcome. If it ends up being a shit show, I can always do something about it down the line after I heal.

It's funny because at my first consult, with a different ps that I didn't end up going to, he looked at my boobs and was like well you need a "sub-areola" lift. Now, obviously being in my 20s and scared about scars I was like UMM no. But I remember him just like lifting my nipple and being like that's all you need, if you want implants you can get them etc. I wish I could go back. I wish I could go back because honestly, I could have just left my boobs alone and settled on the idea that I'd get my nipple maybe lifted at some point during my adult life. LMAO sounds so messed up ahaha, because I know now, one "needs" a lift, but I do think it looks pretty remarkable when done well. Example, given in the pictures.

When I think about it, that was all I ever really "needed" even though no one really needs cosmetic surgery lol. It just sucks because everything takes so damn long to to "heal". I'm horribly distraught and upset right now, but I just have to imagine my future boobs, and know, and hope that they are okay. :)

It sucks balls going through it, but a year from now, things will likely be much better.

Still wish I never touched them, hopefully I can forgive myself at some point.

Felt a bit better.

I felt a bit better during parts of today so far, kinda felt a little like my old self at moments.

I still really want to remove. I was telling a friend who's already been through this whole thing, and ultimately ending up "downsizing" that:

I think the reason why I want to try my luck, remove and hope to be where I was, & then just laser my scars to death, is because in the future as I go through my life, I really want this to be just a "memory" and no long an actual physical thing that's still happening to me.

That's the truth, that's what I really want. But, duh, I'm still scared of the outcome. Logic tells me that I'll pretty much be where I was, but I'm just concerned that they are going to be so fragile forever after this, and I'll always look at them like they're these glass eggs lol.

I want to remove, but I would be just sooo lying if I said I wasn't worried about how I'm going to look. And if it's like crap, then I might just middle-road and downsize.

You know? I mean I just have to think of the reality, I have to give downsizing a good final thought, I'll get more answers on that when I talk to my possible new PS at my consult next Monday.


Had the same feeling again this morning.

Felt pretty positive most of yesterday, my mentality was that I just wanted them out.

I think it's harder first thing in the morning, because my body and my mind just don't understand what' happened. Every part of me is like, really? We really got our boobs done and now we have to get them out and go through a whole buncha other healing stuff?

And then there is just he clout of I wish I never did it. It rolls in, it taunts me.

I've just realized that, I'm 100% okay with taking the boob thing off the table, and no longer want to "try" and be something that I'm not. I just want to feel good and whole in my body again.

I do think it's going to be a trip going from these big full boobs to my natural boobs. I'm trying to mentally prepare for that. I'm trying to talk around picturing my old boobs on my body and ignore my "implants".

I just like the way smaller boobs feel. I ran run with smaller boobs, I can go braless with smaller boobs.

Don't get me wrong, I still like the way big boobs look. I really do, I understand their "appeal". If I was a guy I'd likely be a "boob guy" lmao. But just because I find something attractive doesn't mean that's what I need to be. My smaller boobs we cute and manageable, and people could still see me. I wasn't all boob.

I just want these out so badly. I wish I was getting them out tomorrow lol.

I'm really really hoping that in the consult with my new PS he pretty much says "K. I feel you, lets take em out now!!" :) How freggen awesome would that be?

GAHH.... Still wish this whole thing never happened, and can't believe that it did, but I'm really hoping everything works out and that I can live my life free. This has been quite a journey thus far for me and boobs. Poor things :(.

I like he way big boobs look, but I don't like to wear them. They get in the way!!

The Plan:

Okay, given this whole thing a buttload of thought today.

Talked with my parents a lot today. Talked with myself in my head a lot today. :)

I know I want to remove. Small chance of downsizing if some game changer comes out of nowhere, but implants are not my ideal.

I feel like even when I get my boobies out, there is still going to be a bit of a journey to get back to where I "was". Because through implantation and removal, I have created one, and possibly two issues for myself.

1) Scars... boo hoo I know. They will totally fade into nothing over time, but they will bother the crap outta me or a while. Once I'm further out say 6+ months I will be looking into laser and possibly re-cell as a treatment so they can fade into oblivion and I don't have to look in the mirror and be reminded the I'm an idiot :)

2) Loss of volume.... I know it's unlikely since I've only really have these things for 2-3 months, but it's still a possibility, which sucks. Soooo... "fat transfer" is something I can look into down the line 6+ months out if I feel like things need to be sorted in that way. I'm really hoping I don't and that and everything goes back all fine and dandy, but if they don't. This is an option. I don't want to make my boobs "bigger" I would just want to restore volume loss.

Thus far, it seems like that'll be my course of action. But who knows. Still seeing a "specialist" on Monday, and hopefully he will have some insight.


Questions to as my new possible PS:

1) Removal at 2-3 months, creases slightly lower, do they need to be "raised" with internal stitches? (He should say yes, that's likely the right answer)

2) How many removals does her perform a year?

3) Downsizing, not what I want, but could I go into the 200cc range with a lower profile?

4) Fat transfer after BA, how long do you have to wait? Do you use BRAVA (I hate brava, and it's not that much more effective, so I'm hoping he says no)

5) My possible new PS and my original PS know each other, so I'm going to politely ask his opinion on his experience with removal etc.

6) If I love the guy and he seems to really care about my outcome, how coon can I book?!!! I want em out asap!! :)

** AND **

I also have to call tomorrow and set up another meet with my original PS to go over removal stuff. Honestly, I know removal is relatively easy thing, but he was a total ass last week about me removing. He's a good surgeon, but he doesn't do a lot of removals. SOOO... that worries me. He seemed to care very little about my wellbeing and more about his ego during our meeting, hopefully his attitude changes.

Getting closer, I'll have a clearer idea of where things are headed after next Monday.

Made an appointment with my family doctor.

I made an appointment with my family doctor for this afternoon.

Getting referral for a therapist so I can talk to someone about this whole thing and work on tackling the issues that got me into this mess in the first place, and work on getting myself out of it and getting back to meee :)

Tough decision because I've got a lot of pride, but I think it will be good for me.

What EVERY surgeon should be legally obligated to tell you:

Here is the very important list that most women are not aware when getting the implants :

1. You can feel the implants very well.

2. You feel like you have 2 bags in your chest.

3. You ARE aware of them for 24 h.

4. Hugging people is always awkward because you always feel like there is something between you and you can feel those implants.

5. It is very uncomfortable to lay on you stomach and perform any exercises. They are always on your way.

6. Your breast is often cold as implants do not warm up to the body temperature.

7. It is very uncomfortable to run or jump.

8. They are heavy.

9. In some clothing they will make you look fat and short waisted.

10. You may have a trouble to find fitting tops. You will have to buy bigger size clothes for your tops that fits your chest size but then you waist is not well fitted.

11. Implants do not last life time only 10 years so the maintenance is very expensive.

12. There is aways a risk of complications,you can get them at any time then you have to spend more money and have more surgeries.

13. You may loose your breast feeling, you nipples may be numb.

14. They wrinkle and ripple if you do not have enough breasts tissue. The rippling is very ugly !

15. It is harder to breath.

16. They do not feel like part of you they are very uncomfortable.

Any time I get upset.

Any time I get upset about this whole damn thing I have to think about my long term goals.

Long term, I don't want fake boobs. So. Getting them out out and healing the scar so it vanishes to nothing with laser etc. It's all stuff I'm going to have to do and put up with. It sucks, and I wish I never did this damn thing to begin with, but what the hell. Can't really "undo" it now.

I dunno. I still have thoughts of downsizing. I want to go back to the way I was, but downsizing is still something I think about.

First Therapy Session:

Had my first session this evening.

Well, it was more of an into. I talked about what was up, and he talked about how he thinks he can help me.

My therapist is a man, might be an odd choice given the subject matter, but I figure I have enough "woman" to "woman" perspective on this site, and through friends I've made who are going through, or have gone through a similar situation.

He told me this is a learning experience, and that I need to be a lot nicer to myself, I need to look at this as an opportunity to grow, and I agree.

It's hard not to beat myself up though, because I'm mad at myself for the decision I've made. Hoo humm.

He thinks that me talking to the specialist on Monday is a great idea, and he actually started suggesting it before I interrupted him and told him my plans. He said I should even get a third person, he wants me to get confirmation, he wants me to feel confident about my decision before I have another surgery. I understand. I hear him.

I know that I do need to be 100% sure. 100% confident. I admire some of the women on this site who approach removal with such a positive attitude. Especially the women who have had their implants for 5+ years and are in their 20s. Why? Because the 20s the most insecure decade, and to make a decision to be your natural self, in a time where plastic parts are valued says a lot.

And it also me seem like such a baby for crying over 2-3 months of fake boobs lol.

A funny question he asked me was... on a scale of 1-10... how I guess, helpless and all consuming the problem was? He said your laughing, your being funny... I said I'm a charming person, but I bounce between a 8-10. Tough stuff.

We talked about some other stuff, but I guess it's just more personal.

I'm talking to him on Tuesday, so we can go over how my Monday consult went.

I feel good about talking to someone else.


Monday is my possible new PS consult.
Tuesday is therapy.
Wednesday I see my councillor.

And I'm hoping that I can come to a solution soon. I just want to feel good and happy about my body.

Everyday at zero:

Honestly, it's soo true. I start everyday at zero.

I wake up and I'm like "wait, this actually happened?" "OMG, WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?" Lol.

Then I just layer there for an hour trying to think of how everything will be restored, and how a year two years from now, when the scar is treated and gone, it'll be like the whole thing never happened. And that's all I want.

Still hoping Monday goes well. Still waiting I never did this. :(.

But I know someday it can be like it never happened, and that's what I have to hold on to. That's all I want. It really truly is.

I hate breast implants.

I hate breast implants, they piss me the fuck off.

They've caused me so much distress. They've stolen time. Time that I spent healing and hating my decision, and time that I'll spend mentally moving on and healing from the implants after they're removed.

I'm just fucking pissed.

Fake tits are not me, they're not who I am. They're uncomfortable and horrible. I want to lay on my tummy. I want to go for a run. I want to hug closely again.

I don't understand how women can get implants and love them, never giving them a second thought. That's clearly not me.

I want my small boobs back.

I hope Monday goes the way I'm hoping.

I hate having these things inside me, and I just want him to tell me I'm going to look as I was once everything is healed, and that things are going to be okay.

Wish soo badly I never did this. Hate even more that once their out its going to be 6 months till I can laser or recell my cat scratches.

I'm bummed that I used to have virgin skin, and now it till take a long time to get back to that.

Still feel sick over the fact that I've done this. I just want it to go away, I want to make things better.

I'm such an idiot.

Kinda cool

Only 8 weeks out but it's kind cool to see how well the I incision has already healed. Obviously I'll have a brand new one if I remove lol

Oh boy..

Huge weight in the pit of my stomach. I still have nightmares, which sucks.

I still regret this decision.

Removal date could not come soon enough. I just want these out. I want to heal, and I want to feel like me again.

Sleeping sucks

I have the hardest time sleeping, not only because of boobie nightmares/regret.

BUT... I can't get comfortable. I toss and turn.

It feel alike there are bricks on my chest as I try and sleep.

I wish soo badly I never did this, and it seems like such a long road to heal/fix my mistake.

I want to go back in time and slap myself. I literally feel trapped with these boobs, like it's some kind of horrible life sentence. And that even after they're gone they'll haunt me.


I want to go back to my old boobs.

I really do want to remove.

I'm just scared that there is no going back, and that somehow if I remove, my old boobs won't be there. Something different will be instead.

I know it's unlikely considering the short time I've had them. I'm just scared that after I remove ill still feel disconnected from my boobs somehow.

I know, it makes no sense. But because I feel so disconnected right now I'm worried that will never go away.

Blood work.

Had my blood work done today!

I have like no veins so the doctor used a big one on my forearm. :)

I don't know why but I was really scared of him drawing blood, I used to not be so scared in those situations, but today I was. And then I thought, had I been partially awake during implant I would have screamed bloody murder as the damn surgeon approached me with a freggen knife. UGH.

It totally bums be about that I have to go through that all again, but it will be the last time, hopefully, and then I can move on with my life and my boobs.

I still wish this never happened, but I'm more now dreaming about the future with natural boobs, whatever the outcome, small saggy, who gives a shiz.

I regret augmentation completely, and hopefully I can find my way back.

I wish I never did this, I wish something or someone had stopped me.

Being nicer to myself

I'm trying not to beat myself up as much anymore.

I realize, that in so many ways, I hardly stood a chance.

I was up against so many inescapable pressures. I was in a place in my life where I had been weakened by other bad experiences, everything was worn too thin, and I just cracked.

I caved. I made a mistake. A big one.

Unfortunately, it was a mistake I made with my boobs, a part of my body that although I was insecure about... I did quite personally enjoy.

I'm sad because I no longer enjoy my boobs. I don't like to touch them, they feel like rubber. I can't get comfortable with them, and in strange ways, they kinda scare me.

If I can remove and go back Ill be happy, and probably feel like a bit of a bad ass...

Not that I'm one of them yet, but I think it takes a certain set of balls to make a decision such as this.
Because it really is a big fuck you to all of the pressures, influences that got us here in the first place.

I hope everything works out positively so that I can be implant free and happy and healthy :) .

And I wish that as well, for all the other women on this forum.


27 dayssss ugh

Still have to wait forever it seems, I'm so uncomfortable, I hate it.

Still aggregated that I did this to myself.

I wish I was a surgeon so I could have removed these myself already.

Pretty much :(

Totally hate this all still. I feel like I'm going mental trapped in my body with these fucking implants.

They tug constantly. My whole body feels out of wack. Everything hurts, everything is uncomfortable.

I want them out soo badly. I just want to heal and move on, I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that any of this happened, I still feel guilty and bad over putting my body through this, I just want my old body back.

This has been the worst experience ever, it's 24/7 misery.

I don't want to wait another twenty something's days, I feel like I'm going to fucking lose it. All I want to do is scream and yell and throw shit, I'm so fuckibg mad that I let myself get I influenced/brainwashed enough into getting cosmetic surgery.

I was a perfectly healthy cute 25 year old... Why the fuck did I have to be so part on myself?! Hold myself up to such an I sane standard of "beauty" when I was already fucking beautiful.

I feel so bad for putting my body through all this physical/emotional/mental distress.

I want to give myself a break but I can't get comfortable... When I say I feel trapped, I'm not exaggerating, I literally feel as though ill never have relief.

I'm scared, I'm mad.

And I just want this whole fucking thing over and behind me.

Still can't believe it's all still happening.

Black birdies ...

Soo... I had a long ass walk/talk with my lovely father last night.

He really is a great dad, and although it's not his fault, I do wish we had talked more about body image in one way or another while I was growing up. Anyways... I guess the point is that we're talking now, and things can be done now to deal with the whole boobie thing.

I'm sure he never thought he'd have to be talking to me about my boobs so much, and I know it's probably hard for him, but it is what it is.

My dad said... "From what I understand if you could go back and not do it, you would, but the only thing preventing you from going back now is the little marks that will be left?!" I pretty much just sobed and nodded as a response, because my skin is pure Snow White, and the thought of marks on me now near an intimate part of my body upset me. They make me think of a future boyfriend pulling my shirt off and thinking "such a cute girl, what did she do to herself?!"...

My dad said that boobs and the way they look are such a small part of sexuality for men. He said people stay together because of the person, not because of what you look like. I said "I know, I just don't want to make myself unattrative."

My Dad, being my dad, pretty much said that was impossible :). He said I was in great shape, had beautiful hair/face/everything and that there is defiantly a boy out there right now waiting to meet a girl like me.

Aren't Dad's the best?!

He said that in the future I will probably say to myself "wow, dad was right those marks really weren't a big deal" lol.

I've been back and forth a little with downsize vs. removal. And only thinking downsize because I freaken hate the idea of little incion marks on my cute bod.

But then today as I was living my life, feeling the tugging and irritation of the implants I wondered, if I downsized would I still feel this way? I would still feel discomfort when laying down. Would I still feel their pink when I bend over? Would they still feel constantly in the way? Would I be able to keep them for 10+ years without complications? What would a future boyfriend think? Would he be disappointed I had fake boobs and wasn't my "real self". Would he feel sad for me and the stupid decision I made out of insecurity and societal pressure?

I regret it. I regret it so huge.

My boobs were not perfect before, but they were mine and they were soft and squishy and warm!!! :)

So yeah, these are things I'm thinking and wondering about.

And then today, out of nowhere, although I don't have any tattoos and would have freaked at the thought before... I figure if the little marks on my ribs left after my ba bother me, I might get little black birdies tattooed over them... Just a thought.

My dad said if I go back, it's going to be different, not bad, just different.

Totally balling right now, I haven't cried much durring this whole thing I think because I've been too upset.

I think I'm actually starting to be really okay with removal. I wanted to remove before so I set the date. But I was never okay with it till now. At least now I'm starting to be okay with it.

Everyone I know is shallow.

I feel like where I live, everyone is so shallow. Which makes this stupid decision even harder.

I know I want to remove, I just feel guilty now about having muked myself up, and I play mind games when I see girls in the street thinking..."they don't have scars on this body" :(.

I just can't get over how in trying to make myself more "attractive" I've made myself more ugly. I know it's not totally true, it's just how I feel, and I hate it.

And because everyone seems to be so shallow, I worry about me being able to date after this.

Slowly coming to terms with it.

I wish so badly still that I never did this, but I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I did, and the fact that, in a messed up way, I'm lucky to be able to remove so quickly and move on without having to live out years of my life carrying these things around.

I am really really sad that I did this still, and I wish to be back in my old body already, August 15th still seems to far away. And I'm not looking forward to healing all over again. I'm almost 3 months out and my incisions still hurt :(. So that bums me out. Even after I remove my incisions will likely hurt for a while.

Getting back to being me will start at removal, but it's still going to be a process.

I feel so guilty for doing this to my delicate little bod. :( I really hope in a years time everything is healed and I feel good.

This was the dumbest thing I've ever done. Ugh.

How long after removal will things stop hurting?

I'm 2 1/2 months post ba, still in alot of pain/discomfort.

Just wondering after removal...

1) how long till my boobies stop hurting and go back to normal?

2) how long till incisions stop hurting? I'm guessing 4-6 months before they're not sensitive and feel normal?

Just wanna feel like healthy fit me again. :)

Feel like a science project.

I never had surgery in my life before this, and now I feel like a science project. I feel like god is punishing me for all the times I wished for big impressive boobs by forcing me to carry around these big heavy things.

I'm not happy about any of it, and I hate how it feels like my life is on hold, because I feel so physically/mentally limited. I hate with everything I have that this happened.

I was in such perfect health before, and now I feel like it's going to take a whole lot to get that perfect health feeling back. It's going to take time to heal and put myself back together, and that bums me out.

I will say, that I am starting to learn that I should just accept myself and my body as it is. Meaning, no crazy diets or body ideals anymore, and certainly no more surgery.

I just want to be healthy again.

I wish to be back in my old body so bad.

I regret every minute of this whole thing, so damn stupid.

Dear little bod, I'm so sorry :(

This just didn't need to happen.

Life just feels like a sick joke.

I still can't believe I did this.

Don't want to be a downer, but I can't help it.


I'm pretty depresso again today.

I don't want to be a downer, I just can't believe what I did to my body, and I don't know how to like function in relation to everything that has gone on.

I still can't believe I did this, and I don't know how long that disbelief feeling will last. I'm just sad and bummed out and I don't know what to do.

I just feel like I've lost myself completely and that my body is a total mess.

Like. WTF. My poor little boobies. I can't even. I can't even deal with it. It's just too much.


Last night I went to a little house party and got rather drunk. :)

It was good to not think about boobs for a while. Yes, my tits still hurt like a mother, because I think my lefty is trying to bottom out, like it's in the early stages or something. Horrible. But I'm getting them out before it's going to really be an issue... so take that you stupid fake boobs!

Anyways, I'm slowly starting to really put this whole thing into perspective as a life event, instead of the chaotic nightmare that it's been for the past few months.

I wish it didn't have to happen the way it happened. I wish it didn't have to happen at all.

But I'm slowly starting to feel like I have more control once again. I'm starting to feel like there really will be an end to this in the future, and I will be able to go on and live happy and free with all of this behind me.

Today I even started to feel sad about other things that had nothing to do with boobs. To the normal person, it may not sound like much, but for me it really is, I've 24/7 just thought about boobs for the past month and a half.

Now, I'm actually starting to think about my life.

Which is awesome.

Maybe I should drink tequila more often?


Are you effing kidding me?!

My removal is in like two weeks, can't my body just chill till then ?!

Damn my body really hates implants!!

I'm calling my ps tomorrow, but I now have a red blister thing that's appeared on my lefty above my incicion!!!

So effing pissed, hope nothing bad comes of it before I get em removed.

Last night was weird.

Last night I was feeling like I should just keep my big jugs!

I'm not really sure why, a combination of looking at some unflattering pictures of my old boobs, plus me just really really not wanting to go through surgery again. And me just being all... "well you made your bed, lay in it"...

But then, after that, I had a really good removal dream! So that made me happy.

Sat outside this morning, and I was just like "ugh this situation so could have easily been avoided", and it really could have, I wish I had been more open about my boob issues, not kept them all to myself!

Hate how they look lying down

I think the fugly way they look lying down is one of the top 10 reasons why I want removal. They look soo gross, they just stand at attention and then fall to the sides.

My old little boobies never fell to the sides. There wasn't enough boob.

I'm just sad. I miss my old body, and I'm happy that I'm so close, but I'm also super bummed about having to go through surgery again. My body hates it. I don't react well.

I feel like the next year of my life is going to be restoration. I feel sad for the time I lost over the whole boob thing. I feel sad for everything I've lost in the event of the boob thing.

It's going to take a while for confident together me to come out again.

I know she's still there, but she's been knocked down pretty hard.

I just wish this never happened so badly. I know I'm going to be okay. I just wish I was there already.

My whole boob area looks nothing like how it used to. I have acne all over my chest, which I've never had before, but it's a result of the GA messing with my hormones and all the stress I've been under in relation to everything that has gone on.

I know I will heal, I'll get my body back an by the new year I'll probably be on my way to feeling like a bad ass. I just wish I had been more gentle with my body. Surgery just seems like such a harsh solution to any of the issues I had with myself.

I cannot wait to feel normal again. To not have this crazy high riding anxiety all the time about what happened.

I want to fast forward to a year from now. I miss everything about the old me. And I'm sorry that I took all of the good things I had for granted.

All I can do right now is stock up on supplies for things that will help me detox from the GA, and things that will help me build myself back up again after surgery.

I just used to feel soo good and healthy in my body and I'm scared I'm never going to feel like that again.

Slight chance.

Soo.. there is a slight chance my BA marks might actually end up in my crease?

I was looking at pics of me before compared to now, and I feel like there is a chance my marks could actually end up in my fold. I have a pre-removal app with my PS in about a week, so I'll have to really get it out of him then, you know, as to where he really put my marks in relation to my old anatomy.

I just want this to be over. I want to feel like me again. I just feel like I've disrespected my body so greatly that I can't even honour it right now. Sounds bad, but it's just how I feel.

I'm ready to take this back. Be it marks in my creases or on my ribs. I'll decide what to do/how I feel about them later. I just need the weight and the pressure off me. So I can "feel" like me in my body. Have my old centre of gravity back.

This whole thing was just a huge mistake. I regret it so much. But THANKGOD I can take it back to a large degree and start to finally heal mentally/physcially and really work on all the "issues" that got me here.

If my marks are in my crease, they'll fade to nothing on their own, or I'll laser or re-cell them.

And if my marks are on my ribs then I'll get a sexyy tattoo. Part of me was kinda hoping it would be on my ribs at this point, because I was starting to get excited about a tat. Although, I can always still get one :)

But, more than anything, I just want this to be over. I'm so sad that I did this, and removal can not come soon enough. It really can't.

I'm about 15 days out at this point. I cannot wait. Thank goodness this will all be done with soon. I'm soo bummed this ish had to happen and that I have to go through incision healing all over again, BOO. But at least I'll look like mee again :).

Cannot wait. This whole thing was so stupid. OMG. I'm dumb.

Reasons I got implants.

I really want them out more than anything.

But part of me feels like this whole boobie journey will not end in removal? I don't know why I feel that way. Maybe I'm wrong.

I looked at so many pictures of me before, and even if my marks do end up in my crease some how... I didn't have much of a crease or over hang, so I will likely still think about an underboob tat or something to that effect at some point.

I've looked at a million underboob tats and a million (nipple spared) mastectomy tats, and although none of are quite my style, I appreciate them and think that there is always something that can be done if marks bother me. I can put something pretty and dainty in place of it.

As I get closer to removal... I keep thinking of all the main reasons why I got big ole boobs to begin with, and how I'm going to deal with that after removal...

***Reasons for getting fake boobies***

1) Thought my boobs were oddly shaped and didn't "fit" the rest of my body.

- I still think my boobs were small in comparison to the rest of me, but I also kinda don't care. Iol

2) Sexually I thought big boobs would be amazing. I thought they would some how make the sexual experience better. Guys were always gawking over my heavily padded chest and talking about my boobs. It made me think they were super important. And it made me super scared to ever take my top off in-front of a guy for fear of being a disappointment.

- I've taken the girls for a spin with two different guys. Yeah the big boobs make a little bit of an impact, but not as much as I thought. I really thought they would play a more key role in sex somehow... but they don't. I guess I watched too much big boobie porn and my expectations were skewed. LOL.

Because for the most part after each sexual experience I had with them... I realized how little I needed them. How much they didn't matter? Maybe they do and I'm not seeing it, because I'm not the guy, I don't know. But to me I would have enjoyed sex wayy more with out them, because I feel like these big ugly things restrict my movement. Sex is freggen gymnastics to me normally, but with these big things on my chest I can hardly move!! Yeah there are some positions that they look great, but laying down, OMG GROSS. Barf. If I was a guy, seeing implants in the lay down position would make me go soft right away.... never have boobs ever looked so ugly as they do in that position.

3) Weight loss. I'm not a big girl by any means. I'm really fit. I have alot of muscle. But would always get bummed because anytime my body really started to lean out, my little boobs would get even littler. And they would just look empty and sad to me.

- I think this is the issue that bothers me the most. This is the thing that makes me think about downsizing in some ways. Or makes me think that after they are out I might want them in again because of this. So stupid I know.

Ultimately I wish I never did this. And I don't feel like myself with implants at all. I just don't. The constant neck and back pain, and just everything about it. I can't. It's too much. I'm far too uncomfortable.

And the fact that for physical and athletic reasons I would rather have a flat tatted up chest tells me something. It means that I'm never going to be comfortable with implants. Even if they look good to some men. I don't care. I will find a face/booty/thick leg man who loves me for me and doesn't give an ish about boobs. These suckers need to come out. They just do.

I'd rather be flat chested than have big boobs.

If I so happen to lose weight and my boobs look sad, I'd rather lift a nipple and have pretty tated up flat as a pancake boobs than carry around implants. I just can't stand implants.

I've never felt as unsexy as I've felt since I got fake boobs.

Perhaps it's because I'm so uncomfortable? Probably. But I haven't worn makeup or straightened my hair all summer, and I've been living in oversized t-shirts and hoodies.

Efff fake boobs. I hate them.

Fraxel Laser seems to not be a good idea?

Soo.. I don't know if any boobie person has thought to check out the laser section of realself but it seems alot of people's skin has really been destroyed by that stuff. Not cool.

As much as I'm not happy about that, it makes me feel better about healing naturally for a while and then just getting an underboob tat if things really bother me.

Do I still wish I never did this, omg yes.

But I guess I just never would have known if I didn't do it. And hopefully I can go back to where I was and my marks can be in a good spot to where I can tat them or whatever.

I just have to remind myself that it could be much worse, and there is always a solution. ALWAYS.

Things will be okay.

I may wish they were different, but they will be okay in the end.


I keep having weird thoughts like i should keep these awful things, like I'm some how making myself unattractive by taking them out?

i hope i'm not. i hope that's all just silly blabla in my head that has no relevance.

i keep thinking after i get them out that i'm going to some how want them back in? wtf.

it's weird. the fake boobs look good in pictures, but in real life, they are so ugly to me. they just don't "fit"... it's hard to explain, but they just look so weird.

not to mention how uncomfortable they are!! last night i was trying to sleep, and it literally felt like they're were bricks on my chest. like it all just felt soo heavy against my ribs.

i feel sad that i ever marked up my body. soo soo sad.

i never realized how much i enjoyed my boobs before. :(.

i hope my marks are in a good place so i can get a pretty underboobie tat.

removal is in like 10 days...

Marks at the 3 month mark !

Soo shits getting real. Removal is making me feel regret x a million over this decision.

Last night I actually enjoyed my implants, and thought about keeping them, and just downsizing in the new year. I literally drifted off to sleep feeling happy about having fake boobs....

I'm just scared that after removal I'm going to have anxiety overload, like dealing with my boobs not being their old selves, and having fresh incision a to deal with might push me over the edge a bit...

I just wish I never did this, and I feel alot of upset, regret, self hate feeings today.

I'd like to spend the whole day crying in my bed over my boobs. I miss my old non-marked body :(

I heal really well, my marks are flat and flush with the rest of my skin, and closure will be even better on my new marks, I'm assuming?! Soo they should heal just perfect in a year, and if they still bug me a pretty little water color tat will cover it 100%.

I've just never felt soo distraught and upset, I feel like even after removal it's going to take me a while to feel unshaken.

I'm just scared I'll go back, but still won't feel like me...


I think I cried over my old boobs for like an hour today.

Starting my period durring removal...

Not a good idea :)

starting to feel positive?

I'm having a moment. I'm starting to actually feel really positive and excited about removal?!

I know, I didn't think it was possible, especially since I woke up at 5:30am in a cold sweat over boobs, and surgery, and fear.

I read alot online yesterday about scars and what people thought about them. In the forums, most of the guys actually said they didn't care so long as they were not disfiguring scars. lol. Cute huh?

One of them even said... "Scars are just another accessory to run my hands over". Dayumm. I need to date that guy!!!

As far as my mark placement post removal, I'm hoping they are right in my crease, but who knows...

I'm so sad that I ever did this to begin with.

But I don't think life post-removal is going to be that bad. It's going to be exactly like my old life, except this time I won't give a shit about boobs.

I mean in time, my scars will fade to little white lines that blend with my white ass skin. And even before then when they are pink, purple, whatever... WHO CARES?

I'll still have my old boob right? And I might not even see the marks in most positions if they end up in my crease.

Sexy time will just mean that I'll have to wear really cute bras to counteract any thing "less" I might still feel in terms of being insecure about boobies or whatever.

But for the most part. Something about the idea of my marks, might actually make me feel sexier. Because through all this, in all of my crazy sexual experiences with my "fake boobs". I've realized how little boobs really matter. Guys just want to see a nipple. That's it. And a little bit of something warm they can maybe squish. That's it!!

The rest is how you feel and move with the person while your naked. Guys don't care about your cellulite, or how fat you think your arms/butt/tummy are, or how saggy you think your boobs are. They just don't. And any guy that actually does, Well, he's weird, because that's not normal :).

But honestly, as time goes on and my little boobs grow and droop and do whatever, I'm not going to know where those damn marks even are lol. They're going to be good and covered and gone.

I don't give a shit. I want my old fucking boobs back. NOW!!

Warm, soft, squishy and small. :)

I'm so ready, but so sccuurredd!!


Thursday is the day after tomorrow. WHOLIE MOLIE!!!

I'm soo soo excited to not have a giant sack under my muscle, but I'd be a lying sob if I didn't explain how freaked out I am about having to go through the whole deal of fresh marks/ looking at sad boobies until they heal and perk up. *forced awkward smile*

I know it's the only way out of this silly mess. But darn, it's going to suck.

I mean a few months from now, I'm hoping soo badly that the only thing I have to worry about is changing my silicon strips under my bewbies lol.

So I guess, about 2 months on average seems to be the amount of time needed for most girls my age who remove with in a similar amount of time. Maybe that time slot will do it for me too?

Wholie crap I wish this never happened. I should be strutting my stuff braless right now. Hopefully that will soon be a reality :).

I didn't buy any bras, but I did order a few nice tops online that I hope to wear with confidence come, at least, October?

Maybe even before then?

I just want my little bewbies to go back to being themselves. I really hope they will go back. I can't wait to see them again!

I've been ignoring my implants all day. And plan on doing so for the rest of our time together. They are so damn ugly to me, I can't wait for them to get gone!

I can't believe I ever did this. So silly and stupid. I guess now I know. Implants suck. I hope I remember this fact as I get older and more and more women get their "boobs". I know it will only become more of a thing as I get older, and people have more money to do vain things.

This has been a life lesson x a million.

Just wish I never had the guts to take this whole thing this far.

Paper bag.

I feel like I'm going to need to breath into a brown paper bag all day.

Anxiety is high. I'm nervous about "bouncing back"... But I can still see my old boobie, and I've defiantly put on weight since my fake boob fiasco soo they'll be more boob now in theory :) .

Looking back, guess, I should have just gotten fat instead of gotten fake boobs!!! Lol

But in all seriousness, I'm worried, I'm scared, this was the most dumb ass thing I've ever done, but I sooo cannot wait for it to be over!!!

My scars will be sexy they'll make me a bad ass bitch. I don't give a fuck what anyone else says or thinks. Tough tits.

I caved!!!

May or may not have bought a few lace bralette's online :)

Just can't help it. So excited for removal now. I know it's going to have it's tough moments, but in the end I'm going to be okay!

Sheshh I wish I had bought cute little bras before, and had the guts to rock smaller boobs with out padding and pushing them out like they were something that they're not.

I just kept worrying before, like "oh, I hope someone does't think I have small boobs" lol. So stupid. Now I WANT someone to think I have smaller cute boobs.

Bought a bunch of cute ones, can't wait to wear them with a sheer blouse and some sexy pants that show off my ASSETS because I was blessed with more a behind that boobies.

Gosh I wish it didn't take all of this for me to truly appreciate at myself.

But honestly, I was telling my mom today, I was like, I don't care if my scars stay purple or pink or whatever for the rest of my life. They've become sexy to me, they've become interesting to me. They just make me feel like a killer.

I'm starting to feel that confident feeling I had before these silly boobs. The confidence that I lost during this whole fake boob thing.

I'm just so read to feel light and like myself again! I really cannot wait.

And instead of trying to make my boobs look big, I'm going to try to accept and accentuate other aspects of my body like my butt and my legs. And I'm going to make my little warrior boobies cute in lace bras and cami's.

But I'm just not going to try and sell cupcakes anymore. Nope, now I'm the whole package, I'm more than my boobs. :)


Woke up at 4am likeing my implants?! Wanting to just downsize in the future, how stupid.

I think my mind is just playing tricks on me. I don't want to have surgery, soo this is a way of avoiding it.

I told my mom this morning what I was feeling and she said I'm still attracted to the "fantasy" of what implants are. And perhaps that's true. I like the way they look in certain lighting/positions, but for the most part... I hate them.

I think they're gross, I think they're uncomfortable. I wish I never "implanted" to begin with.

And in truth, implants are always going to be there if I change my mind a few years from now.

But honestly, I just wish I never did it, and I think all that wishing and me feeling uncomfortable/hate how they look laying down, when I raise my arms etc. All that crap. I just need to move on.

Implants are great if you want to take a good picture for sexting, but the real-life day in day out reality of fake boobs is that they're uncomfortable, they limit your activies and movements, and they look horrifying when your laying down!! Horrifying!!!

Soo they're coming our at 2pm today.

Have to drive to the hospital for 12.

Not excited. Dads going with me. I feel like he'll be more emotional than me.

My body feels like a flubby wreck. I'm soo mushy from being depressed/not being able to work out with fakes. And now Imah have to laze around for another while waiting for my incisions to close and heal over. Ugh. Lol.

I'm hoping I feel soo much relief and so good after removal that I never want to think/go back to fake boobie land again.

Last night I drifted off to sleep imagining all the old pictures of my boobs, only now they had sexy scars on them lol. Although, at 3 months mine have faded so much I can see how in a years time + with out any kind of scar treatment, they'd be pretty inconspicuous. Especially if they land in my crease.

But like I said yesterday, I'm soo totally okay with them now. I just don't care. It's all about perception, how you feel about it, how you see it, what you tell yourself.

I think more than likely if they're out, and I'm happy with my decision ill probably just feel greatfull and terrified of surgery. Lol.

I'm a cute girl, I never needed fake boobs.

But I know after they're out I will have to constantly fight up against a million media messages telling me that I need to be really skinny, super muscular, but still feminine, and have big olee fake boobies.

Fuck that shit.

I just want, little boobies, pretty face, chunky athetic butt, curved in waist but still a little soft in a cute slightly chubby kinda way. Why?! Because that's what my damn body looks like!!!

And if I want it any other way, Ill have to keep visiting the plastic surgeons offices everyday until I kick the bucket.

I wish I had known this crap before. I wish body acceptance was more of a thing in our culture.

But it's not.

And thats how a perfectly healthy, plenty attractive, 25 year old girl such as myself, ended up in the plastic surgeons office to begin with.

Can't wait till this is over, this whole thing was so stupid.

Nervous kinda...

Not excited about recovery, hopefully my incisions close really quick and my boobies bounce back within a few weeks.

I can't wait till I don't have to compress them and can wear normal things!

All my silly chest acne is almost gone, I never get acne but the GA + all the crazy stress I've been under with this whole thing made me break out.

I really am okay with everything, just want this to be over.

At the hospotal.

Soo weird being back at the hospital where this whole thing happened.

Still trying to stay positive, because I've learned a good hard lesson and I'm still gunna be cute and sexy afterwards, and possibly much more confident, which, in turn, will only make me more sexy :)

Ahaha... Lets hope.

Soo... I'm out.

I looked in the mirror and my boobs look like small grandma boobs with all the tissue at the bottom.

If my boobs don't bounce back to where I am pleased with them, I'll just re-implant next summer.

Kinda bummed out, not going to lie.

What they look like right now.

They are kinda sad. But they'll get better hope :)


I will say, I instantly feel better in my body. Like nearly 100% aside from the stitches stinging, I feel good.

I think I made the right decision removing. Because even if I were of to "downsize' right away, I always would have wondered what I would have looked like/felt like if I had just removed right away.

Time will tell in the next little bit, and then I'll have my answer.

My PS said he was surprised at how my boobs retracted so well and he talked to my dad for almost an hour about how they're going to go back to pretty much like they were. YAY, if that actually happens.

Earlier my PS wasn't too removal positive, so it's nice that he said all those things to my dad.

But yeah, he just said he was impressed with how well everything went right back after he removed the implant. Soo yay for my boobs.

I mean I probably shouldn't have looked at them, but I was far too curious. And I've been through so much already, I just thought, fuck it, who cares lol.

They are def smaller and more national geographic looking than before, all of the tissue is at the bottom of my boobie.

There is a weird small part of me that misses the implants, but they were just so weird a freakish, I don't think I'd want to date a guy that would have liked me with those. I was uncomfortable all day long. I was obsessed with my boobs because my boobs were obsessed with me. I just had a constant "I have implants" feeling in my body. It's weird, and hard to explain, but it's true.

There is a small part of me that still wishes this whole thing never happened. But then, maybe, I never would have been able to get over the boob thing. Maybe I would have spent forever on and off boob obsessing.

Some girls naturally have wayy saggier boobs that what I'm working with right now, so I should just be greatful and proud of what I have.

Kinda feel like I could already walk around like I'm the shizz, just because I feel soo light!! Ahh!! freedom :).

Lets hope I fluff :)

from far away!!

they def look better from far away!!

but now it's time for bed!

i could take a perk, but i don't want anything that could make me nosh.

Little pancakes.

Can't sleep still....

I know it's the first day, it's just removal boobiess are seeming to amuse me more than bum me out. Lol.

They were def never this pancake like before, fluffing, if it happens, should be quite interesting.


Think I'm going to try my best to not think so much about my boobs for the next little whip, as it's going to take at least a few months for the final removal "result".

I will say that, I'm happy I removed, as it was the best decision at the time.

I'm hoping my boobs start looking like how they used to, or very close it it sooner rather then later as its pretty odd to look at "natural" boobs that don't look like you at all.

I think as soon as theinicions close it will be easier for me to get going on other things, as I won't have to worry about pulling a stich :).

Even now I feel so good it's hard for me to take it easy. I have some pain at my incision sites, but for the most part, everything is fine. The only think I'm on is antibiotics for the next 5 days, and I can't shower until Saturday.

I don't see my PS till September 10th I believe, hemm I think I have to call and make an appointment...

Anyways!! I'm still a little bummed about the whole boob thing, but I'm not really too into playing the "if I could turn back time" game anymore.

My implants were too big, I had complications, revision would have been tricky, and I wanted to see if my boobs would bounce back and if I could be happy living natural.

I hope so badly that my boobs bounce back way more. They really don't look like themselves at all.

I mean if I really can't live with it, smaller implants will always be there.

But I truly hope that things heal closer to where they were so that I don't feel so bummed about my bewbies.

Trying to move forward.

I'm not going to lie. I feel much better, but still pretty bummed that this whole thing ever happened.

But I'm not into playing the whole "if I could turn back time" game, soo I'm trying not to really think about that.

I'm hoping my boobs fluff and get to a point where they are much closer to what they used to be.

Right now, they don't really resemble my old breasts at all. Like not even close in my opinion.

I almost feel like my implanted boobs looked more like my boobs than this new natural set.

I don't regret removal, because I was too curious about what it would be like, and I had too many complications with my implants because they were too big. Bottoming out, symastia, and lateral displacement in one.

I will give it a few months before I really "judge" my boobs.

Like I said before, I can always get smaller implants in the future if I really hate this outcome. But removal was two birds one stone:

1) relieved my curiosity about removal, what my natural boobs looked like and if I'd be happier with that.

2) way less invasive way to fix all of my complications and heal everything over if I were to downsize.

Hopefully things perk up. I know it's only been a day.

We shall see.

But for now I'm going to try my hardest to focus on everything else except my boobs.

Day 1 post removal!

Last update today, I promise!!

So.. after looking at so many girls pictures, I've realized that its probably going to take about 6 months for the full result. That sicks. I wish I had closer to my old boobies now lol. From the side you can tell the shape is similar, but the front still needs to adjust a lot. If it's going to at all ? they just seem alot farther apart then before, and they are still pretty sad looking and empty, specially in real life.

So hopefully things are looking hot by February!


Just trying to remember 800cc girl!!!

Ugh. Wish my incisions were healed so I could be active.

I don't care about marks, but I'd really really love it if my boobies would fluff. I know it seems I just want instant gratification. I know I have to wait a while. It's just I want things to be looking like they did before more so than not.

I'm still kinda sad I did this to begin with because healing right now sucks.

I'm happy though, I still have almost all of my sensation, and yesterday I got sexxy feelings in my boobies.

It'll just take time.

Worried that the implants might have perminatly changed my boobie shape, but even if they did, I do my best to come to terms with it :).

Sad boobs / happy boobs

It's funny comparing, hopefully in a few months time my boobies will look more happy.

But of a fever :(

I'm running a little bit of a fever, but I guess that's normal post surgery.

Just drinking lots of water, and ill keep an eye on it.

Not super fun.

Can't wait.

I can't wait to go braless, I actually think my boobs "fluff" more when out of a bra.

But I shall keep them compressed for the next few weeks like I'm suppose to...

My nips are still riding higher, and my boobies still kinda look like a rolling pin rolled over them, but oh well. Gotta give it lots if time!!

It's weird, I totally feel like myself, and then these stupid stitches remind me what happened and I'm just likee ughhh.... This needs to end, and I know it will, very very soon, I just can't wait.

Also had alot of weird burning in my righty last night, nerves? Not sure, was pretty painful.

Also!! My freggen cell was buzzing last night, all these boys trying to get jiggly, little do they know the hell I have been through all summer.

None of these boys are "special". But one of them is an ongoing "thing". He never saw my old boobs, only my implants... And he's so dumb he never figured out that they were fake...

Now if we ever hook up again, I'll have to keep my shirt on!!! :D

Which shouldn't be too hard, it's my body and I don't owe him anything, sooo what I say goes!!

I must say!

The girls be looking good!!

I'm amazed that it hasn't even been a week yet! My body is slowly making it's way back. I look very very similar to how I did before. Only thing that needs to happen is a little fluff, and my nipples need to drop lol.

I'm very happy I removed.

Super happy!!

Can't wait till this is even further behind me!! :)


My incisions are soo itchy!!!

I peeled back some steri strip just to make sure I wasn't haven't an allergic reaction and, sooo far so good.

But itchyness in a place you can't scratch is defiantly annoying :)

Muscle discomfort?

How long till my peck muscles don't feel soo akward?

Like I they have this light soreness?

Day 5

Still feeling happy about removal. Although there is some guilt?...

I feel guilty, in away, I just feel like I muked up my body for no reason.

I wish I saw my cuteness before and didn't attack myself soo much.

I still feel like all of this didn't really need to happen, and I wish I could have learned this lesson in a less harsh way.

Also, I got really bad chest acne I think as a result from the GA the first time around. It's weird, it's going away but slowly, there are no new breakouts, just the old ones going away.

I just want that to clear so I can wear my old clothes and not feel like I have chicken pock boobs.

I hope I can get over the guilt of doing this to my body.

I guess, it will just take time.

Day 5 continued...

Took some more pics!!!

I know, I need to stop. But it's making me feel better.

They def look fuller in pictures than in real life, in real life I still feel like my boobs look like they got hit by a two by four, so they're pretty flat in the front.

My bewbie shape is still different, so I can't wait for things to narrow a bit, as they are wider than before.

Now sleepyy timee!!

Still a wrinkled when I lay down :(

Soo when I lay down my boobs wrinkle, they never did that before that's for sure! :(

It really bums me out. I know it hasn't even been a week yet, but I'm defiantly distressed a but over having ever done this is the first place, I'm slowly getting over it. It's just hard when your boobs arnt themselves, and they're still kinda empty...

I still wish I could take it back, this whole thing just never needed to happen, and I'm still very sad over the fact that it did.

I don't care about marks I just want my boobs to be more themselves.

I'm just so soo sad.

None if this should of ever happened.

I miss my old boobs. I miss my acne free cleavage line. I miss the me I used to be.

Re-purpose the death strap!!

I ordered a heavy dutty death strap on eBay when I was still thinking about downsizing, because I the silly band they gave to tie around me after surgery, sucked lol.

Well, since none of my sports bras are tight enough, as I seem to keep slipping out of them and taking selfies :) !! I've decided to strap it around my bewbs!

It's awesome!! Great amount of tightness!! I'll probably wear it well into 2014 :D !! Lol.

I think after my steri-strip removal/post op follow up Septemper 10th, I'll probably be feeling alot better because then I know I can just be left alone with out other people inspecting or touching my bewbs. Ugh so annoying lol.

Aside from boobies, although you can't tell from my multiple updates, I am moving on in terms of life and starting to think about other things, set new goals, and figure out my future!!

Yes, the wrinkles still bum me out, and more than that I think "accepting" that I might have a new boob shape is tough. It sounds soo silly, and who knows, maybe 6 months from now things will revert further back... But.. I had a VERY narrow base to my bewbs before, which made them less round and more triangular, which I used to hate, but missed soo dearly while I had implants. My breasts are still not the "traditional" shape, and that's fine, they're still cute... And they've always been shape shifters since my nipples seem to have a million different moods!! But my lower pole seems to have stretched a little, and more than that, it's rounded out. I wish it didn't, but I'm just going to have to get over it lol. It's just weird looking the mirror and seeing my natural boobs as much more round than before. Maybe it will change, maybe it won't. Only time will tell.

But I'll definaty try my hardest to stay super strapped in for the next month, at the very least.

The earlier part of today was super tough and emotional, I would really enjoy it if I didn't get that upset over my breasts any more. Like at least I have them!!!

Lace braletts came in the mail :D!!

Soo excited for when I can wear them!!

I was also saying earlier today that I think every shirt I buy from now on will be sheer, soo I can make the world stare at my nipples!!! Lol

I cannot wait to go braless and shove my little bewbies in people's face!!!

I may be sad about this whole thing, but I refuse to be ashamed.

BBC My Big Breasts And Me Body Image

Love the BBC, wish I watched this prior to my ba! xxx

Example of my bewb shape change!

Soo.. My boobies were more pointed before, and I think the implant rounded out the bottom of my boobs a wee bit, as I had no lower pole before, and now I do.

The only say I could get lower pole before is when my nipple were excited, now I have it, even when they're not.

As my boobs "fluff" I don't think my shape will go back to the way it used to. I'm not sure why I think that, I just kinda feel like this is likely my new shape, and things will just fill out a d firm up.

I'm trying to look at it as, not a bad change, just different.

Back to work.

Back to normal-ish life today.

Feeling pretty good I'd say. I really thought my "marks" would bother me a lot more, but they actually don't. Probably because I never see them, they're so hidden in my crease, it's like they might as well be in my butt-hole.

And they're so dead in the crease, that I'm thinking as time goes on, they'll probably just look like "part" of my crease. Kinda like how a lot of people's arm-pit incisions completely disappear because they blend in with all the folds in their arm.

I am still bummed that this whole thing had to ever happen. But maybe it's what I needed? Maybe I would have been on this never ending "self-improvement" cycle, constantly at war with my own body, and upset with all of the things that it doesn't do that I wish it did.

I don't think this whole procedure took away from my attractiveness at all. I've always been very pretty, and my personality is a little rough, but sweet, so having a few tiny marks on my body from something like this almost make sense, because I am soo ballsy, but I'm also no bull shit.

And I truly believe that all the women walking around "happy" with their augmented bodies are filthy liars. They are soo "full of it". I don't believe any of them for a second is truly happy or comfortable in their own bodies. I just don't, there is no way you can be. Not after what I've experienced.

I still miss my old boobs, but I have soo many pictures that if I ever want to look back and reminisce...I can lol.

And the only reason I say I "miss them" is because my implants really changed the shape of my boobs. They used to be more triangular, no lower pole. Now they're all rounded out and I have lower pole. It is what it is. I guess it's just strange looking in the mirror and seeing yourself, but it's different.

I guess the upside is they actually look more perky by illusion because now my nips look more "centered"... It's just still weird though.

Perhaps it will just take time for my "minds eye" to adjust, because in my head, I still see my old boobs.

I'm looking forward to doing more normal things, being myself again. Saying nice things to myself instead of the mean things I used to tell myself in my head.

I'm am looking forward to getting my BUTT back in the gym soon! I think being able to fully run and work out with out limitations will be part of the last bit of me "feeling" like myself.

Oh and I've also decided that from now on, until forever, I'm oin to baby and pamper myself every chance I get! Which will probably mean a new found spa addiction :).

Educating others?

How to you begin to articulate to others the reality of our experience?

I'm much better now, but while I was going through the main part of this, I have to say, this is the worst decision/worst situation I've ever been through. And I've been through some real shit. I've been through a lot actually, more than I wish for anyone who's only in there 20s. So all I can say is I really hope my life slows down and gets way more calm from here on out.

Anyways, my sister was upset about something earlier and she tossed the fact that I had 'fake boobs' in my face. I'm putting it lightly here, actually the way she said it was very ugly, mean and hurtful.

It made me sad because her coldness, and the general coldness of my whole family is probably why I ended up making such a silly decision in the first place. I never feel like anyone is looking out for me or really cares, so I just didn't trust anyone enough to tell them how I was feeling about my body. Because I thought they wouldn't take me seriously, or I thought they wouldn't have my best interest. That they would only be thinking of themselves, as my family is rather selfish unfortunately.

I think my sister was envious of my fake boobs in a way. She's flat chested and I've always had some boob, so I'm sure it played even more on all her insecurities.

But even after seeing first hand all of the emotional crap I went through she still doesn't get it, she still doesn't care.

Like implanting and removal were like trying on a pair of shoes.

It wasn't like trying on shoes. And I will move forward with my life.

But I just wish people knew how deeply upsetting this whole thing has been.

And how sad and lonely I truly must of felt to be in a place where I have such a procedure done without telling any members of my family.

I don't want sympathy from them, I just wish they knew, so that they didn't say things like that that only make it worse, just as I'm starting to feel like myself and feel better.

Boob shape change after implants.

Soo this is the best picture I have to illustrate the difference in my boobs.

I think it shows that you will bounce back, but you might look a little different, but not in a bad way.

I think the implants just 'rounded out' the bottom of my boob and gave me lower pole where they was none before, and make them look 'perkier' by illusion almost?

Anyways, will be interesting to see if the shape changes, or if they just continue to 'fluff' and tighten a bit.

I haven't seen anyone post side by side differences, so hopefully it's helpful to someone in the future.

are my fake breasts safe - bbc doc

Doc about the PIP implants, and boob jobs, our overseas boobie friends can relate I'm sure. I watched this a while ago but realized it was rather hidden on youtube, so thought I'd share.

2 weeks?!

Can't believe it's only been 2 weeks!! It feels like removal was months ago. I'm absolutely not complaining mind you, just shocked at how quickly the mind/body can store trauma in deep in the past.

I've been oiling up my boobs all day and all night. I kept them really compressed the first week, but I've been going braless around the house and I think my boobs like that more.

I wore an old regular bra yesterday out to dinner, it was a 36C. I swear there was a time where I filled that bra completely, but yesterday it was rather empty. If I had to guess, I'd say I'm about a 36B now.

I did attempt to put on the vs. miraculous bra just for fun... totally forgot how uncomfortable that thing is. And it used to be my "everyday" bra. Well, not anymore. I think it will only ever come out now on special occasions. Meaning, I'll likely have to find a nice comfy t-shirt type bra to wear on the daily.

As far as firmness goes, I'd say they are about as firm as before.

I have "fluffed" alot and very quickly. I don't expect too much more change, but we shall see.

Right now I'm just working on getting over the emotional end of this. But I do feel really good in body, and I'm very happy I removed.

3 weeks post.

The boobs are pretty much the same as last week I'd say.

I'm feeling okay. I just want to get back to normal as much as possible. But it seems there are a lot of clothes I can't wear right now because of the bra situation. Everything rubs my marks the wrong way, including my sports bra.

I can't wear silicone strips of any kind because all of the adhesions seem to irritate my skin.

That's another thing, my boob skin is still really irritated. My upper chest still has some remains of the acne break out I had as a reaction to the GA my first go around.

I want to put acne treatment on it, I want to keep oiling my boobs, but I think I might hold off on most stuff for now.

I might get some emu oil and use that, or maybe some rosehip oil. Because I don't really like the sweet almond oil I've been using and I don't think my skin pores are big enough to absorb coconut oil.

Other than that I just want to leave my boobs alone. They look okay, the shape is def different. I don't think I'll ever be 'in love' with my boobs or totally thrilled about hanging out topless. But they are what they are and I just want to leave them and get my skin back to normal so I can wear tops and not have to worry about acne. That's honestly the thing that's bumming me out the most.

Right now I'm really just trying my hardest to focus on all the things I do have... pretty face, nice legs, bum, etc.

I've read online that even years later incisions can still give you pain? Funny how no one ever talks about incision pain beyond a few days/weeks when your getting surgery.

Mine still bother me, and I worry that they might for a few more months, at the very least.

I miss being 100% pain free.

Week 3 photos.

Soo, here are some updated photos.

I see slight changes. But I have this hunch that since things bounced back so quick, it's all going to be tiny little slight changes from here until a years time.

I think more than anything I would just love the chest acne to magically go away and for my skin to normalize. It seems anything I put on my boobs these days I get a reaction. I don't get any acne anywhere on my body ever, soo it's really strange, especially for my skin type.

And this particular acne is even weirder because there are no new pimples, it's just the old ones slowly clearing away.

Like I said, I'll maybe consider some emu oil, but that's about it. Going to focus on healing my skin from the inside out for the next little while. I just want to be nice and gentle with my skin.


Best BA removal mark treatment!!

While I totally accept the cute little smudges in my crease, I think it might be fun to see how well I can treat them.

There is so much out there that doesn't work, and I'm pretty partial to science.

This method seems to absolutely work, but it takes time, you have to do it every day, and make it part of your routine.

I spoke to a very nice women who works for SkinBiology and she said she used this treatment on her husband. Attached are pictures from the day of his procedure, and a year after with treatment.

1) What she suggested is that for a month and half I do this;
That I use a thin later of Super GHK Serum toped with a layer of Emu Oil twice a day.

2) From there she said I could move on to the standard method of blemish removal found on their site. Found here.

Remember, the key is to go gentle and slow, the skin can only regenerate so quickly.

General info on skin blemishes;

Where to buy these products;

** In saying that, I also want to make it clear that there is totally nothing wrong with any of our marks, treated or untreated. They're cute, they're pretty little marks! They remind us every time we begin to pick ourselves apart that we're beautiful just the way we are, and that we must be kind and loving to ourselves-- always!. xxx

One month!!! xxx

So things are pretty good. The boobs are pretty much what they were, I think mostly the just need to brighten up a wee bit, and my boob skin needs to soften.

Also, I pulled my right stich a little this past week at work, I reached for something high, and thought I was in the clear, but guess not.

It's about the size of the head of a sewing needle, and I know it's just a superficial tear and will heal and close soon -- but it was enough to set off a mini break down.

I'm just not used to feeling this fragile, I'm not used to feel like I can't move my body freely and it's really upsetting.

I think full incion healing really takes 6 months to a year, soo I'm going to be super careful about the way I move my body --- especially my arms.

Oth than that, I have to be honest in saying that going braless has had a positive effect on my boobs. With my incisions right on my bra line everything is uncomfortable and runs the wrong way. I just feel like I heal better and feel better without one. Soo I might keep up going braless for a little while and see how it goes. I've found baggy graphic t's and button downs to be invaluable in that way.

Also I tried like every brand of sillicone strip or steri steril imaginae, but they all irritate my skin. Soo the most I can do is put some gauze over my incions if I have to wear a bra for a few hours, I'm pretty upset about this.

Would love to just be able to throw on one of my old bras and go on with the important things in life, but my incisions are too weak right now.

6 weeks? I think? Boobs/Men/Fitness

The boobs are 100% back to what they were, thankgoodness. And I have to say, I really think it's because I've been braless. I literally haven't worn a bra in weeks and I don't see that changing any time soon. I'll wear a sports bra to work out, but that's it. Right now daily bra wearing just seems too uncomfortable.

I'm still struggling with the fact that I ever did this to begin with a bit. It's still been kinda hard some days.

Mostly, it's taught me a lot about how messed up my ideas about relationships, and my willingness to please men is/was. And I know now, that even though I was getting boobs so that I could be happier with what I saw in the mirror, it was still very much for male approval and satisfaction.

I attract a lot of male attention, I don't think it's just because of my looks, but probably alot to do with how I carry myself and my personality. My sister also says that I "exude sex" - but I kind of think that's just part of who I am? I'm just a "sensual" person, and I think men, like dogs, sniff it out and pick up on it.

Mistakenly I confused lusty feelings with love feelings a few too many times. And for whatever shortcomings my parents passed onto me during my childhood I seem to only truly attract, and being attracted to the "wrong" kind of people. Although I will say that in the beginning they don't seem wrong at all. They seem perfect, to me and to everyone else they are kind, loving, happy charming people. But then, just as I get close, I'm able to see who they really are, slowly complements get mixed with criticism... nights out turn into perpetual nights in. Suddenly they do things "unintentionally" that make me jealouse, like a neighbour girl they can't stop talking about, or some girl who keeps "texting them"... And by then it's too late. I'm already under the "love spell" that relationships can put on us, and it's hard to get out or to protect myself. Without knowing it, everything they say just gets internalized, and I'm no longer good enough.

Because of this, I've taken an honest vow of singleness for now, until possibly forever. lol. There are clearly some parts that I'm missing that make me so weak and vulnerable to men, so desprate and needy for their approval and attention, and I don't want to be that girl.

I'm a very strong, independent full person on my own.

Yeah, I can have fun with boys, but being with one in a relationship is something I don't think I'll consider for years, or possibly ever. I know it's dramatic, but I don't think I'm going to take it to 30 if I keep getting close to boys who start out making me feel good, only to leave me in the end feeling like total shit.

My best friend the other day talked about her Uncle who's 57 and been a bachelor for life. She says he's the happiest guy she knows. He's a Lawyer, he plays golf all the time, and always has a tan from all the vacations he takes. :) So yeah, something to think about, because clearly me and relationships don't seem to be a healthy mix.

Aside from the singleness stance I've taken in my personal life, I've also made some other goals.

1) Get a killer job and make bank -- this one is well underway and I should be starting up soon.
2) Buy a nice single bedroom condo with pretty bath, kitchen, and big windows! -- must be near a big gym.
3) Make fitness even more of a priority than it was before, and that also includes making sure I eat right/enough.. I've always been an active person, but zoneing out into any kind of sport I think is going to be my saving grace in the aftermath of all this bewb stuff. If the rest of my body is hot, I'll give even less of a shit about my boobs/the stupid ass scar lol.
4) Slowly regain more normalcy with friends/family... I've been a total spaz all summer, and I'm still struggling with being a normal person at times, because I'm rather bitter and mad at the world :D. Hopefully I can learn to change that.
5) Keeping up with my new found spa-addiction, and trying taking good care of my skin.

Anddd... that's all I got.
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