37 Year Old, 4 Kids, 32a, 5'4, 130pounds - Bondi Junction, AU

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I decided to write this review more for myself...

I decided to write this review more for myself than anything else. Sometimes writing things down helps me get my head around my thoughts - and there certainly are a lot of those swimming around in my head at the moment. I'm really not fussed if anyone reads or follows this review (or however this site works) but just in case - before I share my concerns I should share a little about where I'm at. WARNING I have been told that I am a rather "wordy" person which I guess means I tend to babble so if you have a limited attention span (like by dear husband) you might be better off giving up now.

I am 37 years old and have four beautiful children - who are, of course perfect angels 100% of the time (when they are asleep) ;o) I love all four of them dearly (on most days) and I was lucky enough to have breast fed each of them for 13months but OMG they literally sucked the life out of my already small chest and left me with NOTHING. Thanks guys!

I always 'joked' with my husband that one day I would spend the money I save on formula on new boobs but for me it was never really a joke it was just financially out of my reach. Now I am at a stage in my life when it is something I am seriously considering - to the point where I have booked a surgery date. Just typing that scares the shit out of me just a little bit.

Over the past 6 or so years I have done countless hours of research so it is definitely a decision that has been made after a lot of thought but I still have A LOT of questions and concerns...

I do not consider myself to be a selfish person but is this too selfish a thing to do? I mean its a huge amount of money just imagine what I could buy the kids with that amount of money - we could have a -pretty awesome family holiday for the amount of money I am planning to spend on little old me. But it would be another family holiday where I don't want to swim or take my t-shirt off in fear of someone realising how flat chested I really am. It has happened before. "wow I never realised how flat you really are" is the usual reaction. Once, another mum had the same swimmers as me and she laughed and said "this is what it looks like with boobs" I haven't even attempted to sun bake or swim at the beach since. She was only joking I know that and I make fun of myself too but I just hate that I have done my womanly duties and had the babies. I should have at least been able to keep the cans!

I am quite a private person and I really hate attention. I do not want people to know I am doing this or notice once it has been done. I would be super embarrassed if someone asked me. I am a really bad liar I just go bright red and its a dead give away. I wonder how long I will get away with keeping this a secret - from my family, kids, friends and colleagues? I think its possible - Not many people actually realise how flat chested I am I have been wearing padded bras since I stopped feeding my youngest. At the moment I have 2 rotating sports bras that have triple bra inserts in them - works a treat! But when I take the bra off there they are - or were - my minus boobies :o( This is something I am doing for myself, not for anyone else and its not really anyone else's business what I do but if people notice they will judge and I don't like people judging me.

Given that I don't want people noticing I don't want huge implants - but at the same time I don't want to spend that much money and wish I had gone bigger. With all my research at the moment I am thinking somewhere between 300-350cc but I will be guided by my surgeon in the face to face consult which will happen the day before surgery.

So I worked out a date that is doable for my surgery, it is only 5 days before Christmas though which will be a bit of a bummer but hubby has 2 weeks off and I will be on holidays from work anyway so hubby can drive everywhere and I will have him around to do all the heavy lifting. I am sure he will absolutely LOVE the idea of being the designated driver all Christmas but there really isn't another time in the year where I would be able to have it done. Now just to work out how to deal with - or perhaps get out of family functions. At 5-6 DPO how on earth will I be able to socialise and be happy? How will I hide the new girls whilst they are swollen and up near my chin? Its really hot here at Christmas time so its not like I can layer up at all. I would sweat too much and then the tape would get all wet and it just wouldn't work.

So much to still work out in my head before then, and I haven't told hubby that's when it will be happening yet. He knows its coming he just doesn't know that it will be so soon. I may still change my mind yet, I have a phone consult on Nov 7th which I am super nervous about. I had to email photos to the surgeon to get the ok to pre-book a date and it was horrible. Just knowing that someone looked at my minus boobies makes me cringe - I cringe whenever hubby tries to look or touch. Even though there is literally nothing to see and the lights are always off. He tries to tell me that he thinks I am 'sexy' and says he doesn't care about my boobs he "loves them" and he loves me the way I am but I am sure he wont be complaining when I actually feel 'sexy' and get a little more confident about my body. He wasn't complaining when I had milk jugs for a few years. I am lucky with him - he will support whatever I want because he knows how much effort I go to hide the fact that there is nothing there anymore and I guess, deep down he knows that its all his fault - he was the one who got me pregnant four times! That's my argument and I'm sticking to it.

Its a bit scary to think that in about a month, possibly when I ad to this review, I will have had my phone consult... and then I will be on the countdown to surgery (providing I don't chicken out).
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