So sometimes I think that maybe its not that bad...
So sometimes I think that maybe its not that bad and then I take a good look at my body. Its bad. I've completely messed it up. My skin quality is absolutely horrific. In my late teens when I should have been svelte and beautiful, I was 300lbs. Determined to lose the weight. I did. I lost 130 and became a model and aa principal dancer for a belly dance company. I also had a tummy tuck and breast augmentation (gummy bear) that I sometimes regret although it looks good. I just hate some of the drawbacks.
Anyway, this is about my horrible, disgusting legs. I seriously thing this is like my penance or something. I must have been the vainest person in my last life to get legs like mine. I have hardly any butt unless I constantly do squats and my thighs are out of proportion and filled with fat and varicose veins. I'm 5'10"
and let myself go to about 210lbs. I can only assume that is how much I weigh right now. I'm scared to get on the scale. When I was 165-170 I felt better but mostly because I was a dancer/model and no one could tell me anything because my body was close to perfect. Not that I knew this of course, at the time I was humble about it and still too fat in my eyes even though all my ribs and hip bones showed.
In the past two weeks I've hit an alarming wall. My boyfriend says I have to lose weight because even from when we met a year ago, I've put on 30 lbs and hes not happy about it. I still have been teaching dance classes however. Since my boyfriend is encouraging me to go back to dance class, I've gone back to taking classes in NYC and here in Jersey. I've gotten a reign on my eating habits.
I'll tell you what. I've fought and fought with this body to the point that I've thought about suicide. I guess that is how the moments come and go. I've started Velashape in the city yesterday. I purchased 3-30 minute treatments for $100 in NYC on lifebooker.com. I've found sessions for as low as $18 at other spas. I'm not so sure if these are going to work because I obviously have the the best looking cellulite on the face of the planet and dont forget about the spider veins too! Lest we forget...How the hell did this happen to me? . Lets see how this develops. Please pray for me. I'm at my wits end and I look at myself naked and I just want to cry. I dont feel good enough unless I'm in dance class. But my body is covered by tights and leotards. Class is the only time I feel like I am worth a damn.
So went back for my second session of velashape. I took the liberty of taking a picture of the machine, I thought it was a good move to make sure that it was legit. But anyway, I dont see any improvement as of yet...obviously, it might take miracle for any improvement to happen.
Shani, the clinic director was the clinician who did the procedure again. Last time she was able to upgrade me to the venus freeze but this time around, I did the velashape. She spent an hour on me like she did before, 30 minutes in front and 30 in back. I could feel the suction of the machine and it felt like a massage and started out warm. The skin would get hotter and hotter from each pass until I told her it was too hot to handle and I would just say "hot" and she would move onto the next spot. Super easy. I think she would depend on me to tell her this. I think, however that I have a very high tolerance for pain because all of a sudden that damn thing would get very very hot and I didn't realize it. When she was doing the back of my thighs, I was pretty close to falling asleep. In places where the skin was more sensitive like my inner thigh, although I just felt it more on my right thigh, it hurt more. I could feel the nerves hurting because I could feel it in other parts of my body. But I just dealt with the pain.
So far, I don't know if I am just throwing money away. I am really sad about the way I look. For two weeks I have been on a strict no carbohydrate diet in hopes that I could lose the weight that I put on.
By the way, that huge bruise I have is from falling although I have some bruising from vs