Struggling with Vanity but Made Peace with Botox for Bruxism - Beverly Hills, CA

Here’s a photo of AFTER. 20 lbs heavier and still look thinner!

I’m updating the before and after photos of religiously visiting Dr. Yoo every 4 months to help me reduce teeth grinding while visibly reducing the massive masseters that built up over the years. I’ve even gained 20 pounds since the “before photo,” because I’ve begun due to use antidepressants and anti anxiety meds. I’ve since gone off those meds a month ago and the masseter injections are continuing to help with my teeth grinding anxiety from PTSD at night. I have changed my view on plastic surgery though and the gateway drug of Botox is making me consider more and more procedures. Not only do I feel ugly, fat, and old, I realize I don’t need to feel that way with a little boost. Let’s hope I won’t get addicted to plastic!

I've been suffering from Bruxism most of my life, it is anxiety driven. I didn't know how severe it was until the dentist told me I had chipped teeth and the the roots of my teeth shrunk considerably from excessive impact. I tried NAC, Melatonin, went on antidepressants for six months (terrible and probably changed my brain!) and have been wearing a mouth guard for 7 years. Bruxism effects my sleep and after getting a sleep moniter, realized just how much Bruxism would wake me up every 30 minutes from making loud involuntary "clicks" and chomping, resulting in scattered sleep and an average of only 4 hours of sleep per night. My new husband is also effected by this condition and I feel so broken and wonder if he made a bad decision marrying me.
This year, I was committed to healthier sleep, less pain, and a healthier relationship with my husband. After researching other solutions for Bruxism, which isn't a long list of options, Botox came up in that conversation. Brilliant!
I was so afraid of this option at first, questioning what it could do to my face and secondly, what it would do to my personality. I didn't want to begin the path of vanity because I worked so hard in my 20's to fight that temptation after starting that route and it leading me to despair and an existential crisis. I was using plastic surgery as my counselor to give me the answer to all my pain, insecurity, and suffering. I was running from my past, and the OC and Beverly Hills (both where I lived) made it seem OK, or part of the culture, or even, if I didn't do it, I didn't belong in society. I was tempted by the idea that I could become a different, newer, happier person.
After my breast implants, it did change my brain and alter my perception of the world. I became boob obsessed. My boobs, her boobs, everyone wants to see boobs! I forgot how to dress and style myself because fashion was all about buying clothes that would display boobs. Sadly, it destroyed my friendships, and men related to me as an object and not as a person. At first it was entertaining to see how the world changed around me. I had a lot of fun with my new body at first, I even modeled around the country for super bike events. Suddenly, all my friends were "new," yet, I felt so alone. It then became isolating. I missed my "ugly friends," the ones who were so real and down to earth and loved me for my personally, but they abandoned me and in a sense, I abandoned them by leaving reality and attempting to alter my fate by using plastic surgery as a competitive edge. I couldn't live with wondering if everything around me was false, and if the high position and new friends I had was only because of a perceived image that was unnatural. After surgeries to correct a painful capsular contracture, (which I didn't know could happen) I decided to take the implants out and live with any deformity and begin to work on my inner problems and pain. Here we are 7 years later.
Back to Bruxism: I was terribly upset to learn that only plastic surgeons do Botox. My dentist wouldn't do it. My Physician wouldn't. Masseter injections are "off label" so I didn't trust just anyone with my face, especially after seeing some botched jobs on RealSelf. So I went on the hunt for an expert injector. I found myself feeling similar to how a drug addict would feel around their drug of choice. I have to go back into this plastic surgery world to help manage this medical condition? I started feeling bad about myself and losing sight on all the advances I made earlier to try to be a normal person, managing my urges of vanity.
I scheduled an appt. with a medical spa ran by an RN in Arizona because we have a vacation home there. I had nightmares for a whole week, and decided to cancel. My real estate agents face kept creeping into my mind - she looks like she had a stroke with her entire right side of the face drooping because of her botched Botox. After doing more and more research of botched Botox procedures, I realized going to an expert injector was the most important thing one could do. I could have spent only $200 to go to a medspa, but knew money shouldn't be the only determining factor when dealing with a toxic strain of bacteria. I went on RealSelf and picked a doctor based on his expert answers and reviews off realself.
I can't lie, after being exposed to the plastic surgery circle again, I became a bit obsessed and began dreaming about a perfect body and a perfect look, dreaming about combating aging and possibly sucking out fat. My attention to plastic was sucked back in.
After feeling confident I found the right person, I finally got the Botox to the Masseters done and felt an instant relief that night. I've been sleeping like a baby and my husband marvels that I actually sleep! My jaws and teeth no longer feel the chronic tight pain. I know you aren't supposed to see results until 30 days but both my husband and I saw results the next morning. The inflammation in my face has gone down. I haven't felt or seen any bad side effect. I don't feel bad and my smile is the same shape. I do not regret waiting three months to get in, even for something this simple. Waiting and spending more for expert hands is absolutely worth it.
It was hard not to ask the doctor about botoxing other parts of my face and asking about fillers, a nose job, lipo, etc. But I held back and treated this procedure like going to any doctor - I told myself to not ask about a body part or procedure if it's not broken or sick. Botox could be the gateway drug, if you aren't careful because it exposes you to a whole world of options and nothing comes without risk. My Bruxism condition was so terrible that the risk was worth it.
My advice is, Botox is an incredible drug, and if used for medical purposes, it can change lives for the better. But just like anything, too much of a drug is considered a poison. Applied incorrectly, it can harm. That's why going to an expert is important.
I have learned how to manage addiction to plastic, I will always be challenged by moderation and learning what the "right amount" is - during this process, I also learned that it isn't Botox or plastic surgery itself that's the poison that will change my life, it is Vanity that can do more harm. Don't let vanity be the poison...and that is how I've made peace with Botox for medical use.