Early 30s, 5'4 110 Lbs, Donut Lift, 400 ML Smooth HP Silicone-disaster!

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I think this letter, the second one I have written...

I think this letter, the second one I have written to my doctor, describes my experience best:

Dear Dr. *****,

I have passed the one-year-anniversary of my surgery and I have been composing this letter for about 10 months. The physical pain and the emotional distress I have been through since my surgery has been very hard to bear. It is hard to write or talk about my situation without bursting into tears. I think you need to known the surgery you performed on me has altered my life in an extremely negative way. I know you are aware I've been unhappy with my surgery results from the letter and photos I sent to your office manager, *****, last summer to share with you and the problems I've pointed out on my office visits before and after that. I had such high hopes and I saved money for a very long time. I thought I was asking all the right questions and doing the right research to be prepared. I wanted to have surgery so I could be more confident without clothing on because my breasts became deflated after stopping hormonal birth control a year before. I was always happy with my breasts before that my entire life and they were a source of pride. This was such a big decision for me and I placed all my trust and my body in your hands as an artist to improve what I had. I am now more self-conscious than I've ever been in my entire life and I have traded the natural problems I had for very strange and unnatural deformities and H cup size breasts. The physical and emotional pain has been overwhelming and changed my life and body for the worst. This was my worst fear, to go through the pain and suffering of surgery and recovery, to spend my hard earned savings and be completely unhappy with everything and regretful. So much has been taken from me. I am reminded every single day by the pain and discomfort and every time I undress or look in a mirror, which for the first time in my life I try to avoid as much as possible. I only have one body and to have it altered this way and have such negative effects I do not know how to ever forgive myself for. I feel very trapped.

I regret my choice to have plastic surgery in 2015 every single day of my life.

I asked you and even put in writing for you, nothing bigger than a D to a DD cup at the very largest. You told me I could be any size that I wanted and a D would not be a problem. I am now a H cup and can barely fit into one of those. I am in extreme pain. My neck, shoulders and back hurt constantly. I am currently in physical therapy for my neck and shoulder pain and my therapist has advised a breast reduction. I am 110 pounds, 5'4 and my frame cannot support a 34H cup. I cannot buy bras anywhere other than special order online-which do not fit- and have to wear 3 sports bras at a time just to support them. I am constantly popping out of those sports bras because my cup size is so much larger than my band size and I cannot find anything that fits both. H wire bras do not fit my frame and wires are way too large and dig into my underarms. I did not know an H cup existed until I became one and I have never been so uncomfortable in my life. The weight of the implants are causing my breasts to sag and the shape is very strange and not a pleasing shape for breasts to be ever. This is so embarrassing and painful. That paired with what I have happening with my areolas is just a disaster on my chest. I literally do not take my bras off ever except to shower. It can bring me to tears to look at my breasts. I thought by having surgery I was simply correcting a problem area (extra skin and deflation) and never dreamed that I would end up with breasts that look the way mine do now or cause me this much pain. It is not right. Aesthetically and proportionately, I look ridiculous like Dolly Parton. I did not ask for or ever want to be an H cup or to be overly huge like this. In fact, that was a huge fear of mine and I put that in writing to have with you during surgery "NO BIGGER THAN D-DD" with my goal pictures and talked with you about that to ensure I would not end up overly large. Exercising, doing every day activities and even sleeping is EXTREMELY uncomfortable having these oversized heavy implants. I used to have wonderful posture and now I can't seem to keep myself from hunching over. Removing my bra even for a short time makes it difficult to breathe even. I have not gained any weight since my surgery.

You have seen the photographs of the severe lateral displacement I have and total asymmetry with that on either side. One breast goes down into my armpit and the other has a large "hole" where there should be breast tissue but the implant is too far over and there is only wrinkled breast skin and you can literally see my sternum there. In the preop "wish photos" I gave you, there was one of my very own breasts lying down; I said that was when I loved the way my breasts looked and could they just look that way standing up as well please? They now look terrible both ways. I was so concerned about how my breasts would look laying down preop. I even went so far to look at friends and family members' implants to make sure that the way implants looked in a reclining position was acceptable to me. All did not have any displacement with implants. Having this surgery was not something I took lightly, and it was a choice that I did due diligence with research. I really thought I covered my bases very well and never once did you mention there was a possibility of my having this type of deformity. I see large implants on women all over RealSelf with smaller frames that are normal in sitting up and laying down and stay in an upright and perky. When I saw you about this, you said it was normal and if I wanted to try and correct it I would just need a couple stitches, I am not sure if you meant in one breast or both. You discouraged me having a revision because of the possible complications that could arise. You also wanted to make another incision in my breast instead of going through the old one with not much hope from you of it even being able to be fixed. Not only does this look absolutely terrible, but they feel like they are being pulled constantly, an uncomfortable stretching feeling as though my implants are not attached. If this was the only problem maybe that revision would have made sense.

The worst because I know it is not fixable, is the allowing the donut lift to happen. I really wish you had educated me on the fact that I did have a choice there. Had I known that I was ruining my nipples for only a 1-2 cm nipple position lift, I would have said no way! My large nipples were never something that bothered me and had we communicated better on what realistic goals and trade-offs were, maybe I could have been able to keep my nipples intact. I asked you about going without the donut lift and you said no, but did not elaborate. I took you on your word that was not an option because you're the surgeon and I am the patient. That is something I can never ever fix and I will regret for the rest of my life. I am so unhappy with the scarring and the permanent suture is hard, uncomfortable and causes my areolas to be herniated and literally pouch out all the time. This did not ever improve for me as you said it would around a year postop. My nipples are very strange and unnatural looking, stretched out on sagging breasts and all I can feel is regret every time I see them. Could I have my presurgery deflated breasts back, I would happily take them in a second over what I am dealing with now! Never could I have imagined that trying to improve my breasts could turn out this badly. The red, raised, thickened, irritated area on my scar on the left breast is still there that I have shown you several times and still becoming worse every day. I can only assume something is wrong with the suture underneath it and that is causing it to be irritated and thicken. A bra irritates the spot there constantly. Also, the spider veins and broken capillaries all over my breasts after surgery you thought would go away have not and have worsened. I never had one spider vein on my breasts before surgery. I also have a red hard lump on my left breast under the irritated areola. I went to see my OB/GYN who told me she was not sure what the spot was, only that it is benign. I think the implants do not agree with my body, be it the weight that is causing veins and growths, I do not know. I have never experienced any similar problems in the past. They need to be removed.

The liposuction I had of my low back produced no noticeable change whatsoever that was positive. I went into this knowing I had very little fat there and wanted to sculpt those areas and my curves, remove my "love handles." From this surgery, I now have a 3.5 inch shelf/dent in my right hip area. This dent is completely asymmetrical with the other side. Apparently, the only way to fix this is through fat grafting and more liposuction. I have 2 indents were the incisions were made and they look like dimples in my lower back and are still obvious. I also have spider veins in that area now. I know you told me you did not feel they were caused by the liposuction to that area, but they were not there before surgery and I had asked you several times about the possibility of spider veins occurring because I had that happen in other areas where trauma had occurred on my body. So that adds up to zero change in my figure, but added 3.5 inch shelf on one side, dimples where the incision sites are and spider veins. This does not make sense to me. I was never warned any of these side effects were a concern. I asked so many questions and even was concerned about and discussed with you things such as noticeable scars, dimpling and spider veins, which you assured me those were not concerns. I have never in my life been uncomfortable wearing a bikini and I am now completely unwilling. It is truly sad and not fair. The contour irregularities and dimples from the lipo are very visible and I look completely asymmetrical from one side to the next. Not to mention the lateral displacement. Horrible contortion of my breasts every time I recline happens and I'm constantly self-conscious. These are such unnatural problems and never did I ever imagine they could happen to me or that some of these issues even existed. I asked over and over if there were any concerns you had or any adverse things that could happen. If that was a risk because I had a small amount of fat to remove I should have been told that and allowed to choose accordingly after knowing the risks.

I understand some unforeseen things can occur, but I still cannot come to acceptance or understanding that ALL of these things happened to occur with me. I was so nervous before surgery and asked many times if you anticipated problems or if this or that could happen, and you reassured me. I just cannot believe what a big mistake I made and I cannot take it back. The physical pain and emotional anguish from surgery has caused such negativity to fill my life.

Having cosmetic surgery was one of the most difficult experiences of my life. Your staff was wonderful to me and kind, more than helpful. I did everything in my power to have a good outcome and took every supplement on your list and all your advice. It's been a very difficult year trying to come to terms with the choice that I made to alter my body. The decision to have plastic surgery was not one I took lightly, the horrible pain of surgery and enormous investment of my money and time. Healing was definitely no picnic and required a lot of down time and stopping my regular activities and normal life, taking months to resume many things. Not to mention the financial investment. I'm a single mother, a full-time student and I work 2 jobs. This was not something I could afford easily by any means and I knew that I had one shot and one shot only to have this surgery. I feel sick thinking of all the things I could have done with the money I spent, like going to my childrens' college funds. I cannot afford a "redo" and to put my trust into someone again after what has happened to me is going to be very difficult. Just the thought of investing my time again, my heart and soul hoping for a good outcome after all this and not being able to care for myself afterwards is a horrid, horrid burden to bear. I'm sick with knowing that I will have to go through this all again because things were not done right the first time and it's not okay. I placed trust in you to have a good result and the expectations in a plastic surgeon were not met. These concerns I've shown you during my follow ups, no solutions were addressed or my concerns were brushed aside. Things I was told to give time to resolve have not resolved at all. This makes me feel our goals are not aligned. These things may not seem like a huge deal to you, but this is my body and I only get one. The change is devastating. This is my youth and I can't even look in the mirror without crying after a shower. I should not have to feel this way after having a BA to improve myself. I have no benefits or aesthetically pleasing results whatsoever. I invested so much time, pain, fear, trust and money and have come out worse off. This has affected my life in so many ways. My physical and emotional health have really suffered along with my self-esteem, which has never been this low in my life. It is not acceptable to spend my savings on something that I got this type of negative result with and have to spend even more money not to mention time and pain and suffering, risking my life again and all to correct these mistakes without recourse.

All these different issues grouped together have made this a very unmanageable situation for me and I do not know where to turn. This has impacted my life so terribly. I hope you can offer some solace in what has become a horrible situation that I have to live with every day. I try to come to terms with what has happened and make sense of why it went so wrong, but I'm at a complete loss. Maybe I could live with lateral displacement if only I had my natural nipples and not these bizarre things that have taken their place stretched out and herniated on huge sagging breasts.

It is not right to be left this way, with pain, these type of deformities and problems, after investing so much into having a good outcome from surgery. I put all my faith into you and trusted you in the most important way. You need to do something to fix this. It is the just thing and the right thing to do. I need to see a specialist for revision, breast implant removal and lift and I am not comfortable doing anything else. After everything I have been through, I would not take a chance with breast implants again. I do not have the means to pay for a revision, but I know I cannot go on like this. From what I have read, the sooner implants come out the better. I don’t want to take a chance on going through another surgery and things not turning out right again and I know I need to find the best person to see in this field that has a lot of experience with a situation like mine. I cannot live this way, Dr. *****. I understand results vary and everyone's anatomy is different, but this is just not an acceptable result. I'm sure you did not intend for anything to go wrong, but it definitely did and now I have to deal w the aftermath. This has been a very difficult and emotional letter to write taking me so many months to compose and I feel very hopeless about this situation. I tried to improve something about myself and it had the opposite result. I put all my trust in you and now this is where I am. I am asking you to do the right and ethical thing here and refund my money from surgery. I have to pay for corrective surgery now because of the problems that occurred w my surgery with you and for no other reason. Had things been done right the first time I would not have to incur the cost, pain and suffering and recovery time and not to mention the risk to my life for another surgery.

"Some choices we live not only once but 1000 times over, remembering them for the rest of our lives." This quote holds very true for what I have experienced. I wish for my presurgery body back everyday, but how could I have known these things would occur? I have a long road ahead of me including more surgery and recovery time. I just want to be able to move on from this terrible chapter in my life and recover some of my confidence and love for my body one day.

Didn't know how good I had it... My preop breasts 2 weeks before surgery

Sometimes what we think is the worst can get soooooo much worse! That's definitely the case after my BA. I miss my preop breasts every day. The reason I had a BA was because of extra skin, being deflated. I remember thinking how my breasts felt like light fluffy little clouds before! I loved how they looks after a shower or cold, or when I was in the bath or swimming or lying down. Now that's when they look the worst. The hot water even from a shower makes the broken capillaries look terrible and something about being in the water, soaking in the tub makes it feel like the skin is kind of separate from the implant. So strange, looks terrible. And the lateral displacement in a swim suit keeps me from wearing one I'm so self conscious. The most bizarre stuff can happen with implants. And of course I never thought it would happen to me. It was just Maintence and I was just trying to take care of myself and improve how I looked. Never could have imagined what all the negative changes would be like that I have to live with every day. Really wish I would have stopped to think a lot harder about this decision before destroying my breasts... It's so devastating and life changing to have a bad result. I really would like to encourage women to look deep inside and try to find that self-love for what they were born with before altering their bodies with surgery. I've seen some beautiful results, but since finding this site after surgery I've also come across many women like me who have had their lives and self-confidence changed so terribly by a BA. It's really good to know what's on the other side of the coin before surgery, which I did not. All my friends with BAs were super happy and looked great after- I just assumed I would love them and "fix" my problem area. I think it's important to tell other women it doesn't always work out that way for everyone.

Donut Lift- Biggest Mistake of My Life

Don't do it ladies! So, so not worth it and just plain terrible looking. Permanent sutures are uncomfortable and make nipples stick out constantly. Scars are ugly. I will never like the way my nipples look again. Very unnatural shape to the breasts as well. If I can answer any questions for anyone please let me know. I don't want other women to make the same mistake I did. I wish I had found this site before surgery.

Some photos

Nipple envy

I think through all the problems and issues I've had with these implants, the thing that absolutely bothers me most is ruining my nipples. No matter what, I will always have a scar all the way around them and they will never look "normal." I never minded the way they looked preop. Yeah, they were on the larger side, but they were proportionate to my breasts. What I'm dealing with now looks terrible. Yes- maybe when I have a lift with my explant I will be happier w size, shape, ect. But the scars will always remain. And I'll be adding new ones too. It's so sad to me. My breasts will always look like they have been through war. Which essentially they have. I I have any advice for women, it's leave well enough alone. This was my worst fear, that I would end up worse off and I did. And I'm sad to say, I know it's just a silly body part- but one I always liked about myself and others-I will always have nipple envy! And be self-conscious and afraid to show my scarred ugly nips. Shame on me. I should have known better.

One month after BA/donut lift

Want to show how much things can change. You've seen how I look now- was much better one month postop. The weight of the implants after dropping and fluffing intensified so much and the shape changed a lot for the worst in the first 8 months.

Reclining position w implants

Ew. They literally go up to my collarbone. So unnatural and just plain uncomfortable! Can't wait to be free of this prison..

Why did I do this to myself? That's how I'm feeling today! Changed my whole life and self-esteem so so much.

I don't know how I will ever be comfortable in my own skin again

So sad today. I took for granted how confident I used to feel in my natural body and that there is nothing like the self esteem that comes from just being yourself. Not covered in scars; not perfect by any means but so beautiful.

Looking at old photos and seeing how happy and confident I used to look and feel. I came across some nude photos of my SO and I lying around on NYE after a fun time out, I looked so sexy and REAL. And I had no hesitation and nothing to hide. I wolt include photos, but just one of many boob shots from that night.

I thought I was improving what I already had with BA. I hate this mistake so much that I have to live with and look at every day. I have lost my freedom to be me and be intimate without reserve and showing deformities and scars. Now even if I explant without lift, I still have scars all around my nipples that look so bad to me. And will be left with extra skin. Even after having explant and lift with *cross my fingers* improved shape, I will never be able to lay like this and take photos comfortable in my own skin. There will always be scars there in place of my natural beautiful breasts that I was too dumb to see for myself until I lost them! Ladies- BA is not a quick fix and for some of us if it doesn't turn out right there is no going back to the way we were. Truly mourning the loss of my body as it was. Nature gave me so much better than any surgeon could!

Flex deformity- question for fellow explanters!

I have a question for you ladies who have explanted. My breasts look absolutely terrible when I flex or lift my arms even I've discovered. As you can see both sides look completely different when flexed. I know I've read that at times this lasts after explant. I'm just looking for advice fr your personal experiences.

And anyone who has had a lift after explant, did you continue to have these muscle deformities?
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