19 Year Old, Happy and Guilty - Atlanta, GA

My name is Maya and I am nineteen years old. I have always had a love/hate relationship with my boobs. They started growing when I was 12 and just didn't stop. My first year of college I shot up to 180 pounds, and my breast grew with the rest of me. I was petrified of my large 36 E cup breast. I tried to fit into DDs the entire year but it just wasn't cutting it. I've had DDs the majority of my life, even when I was 120 lbs. This summer I promised myself I was going to lose all of the weight I gained and lost a whopping 30 lbs! My breast went down a little be not enough. I got to 150lbs and I couldnt even run long distances without my back aching. It was during the Peachtree Road Race when my back was killing me so bad that I couldn't run anymore that my mom said I should consider the breast reduction.

I was so excited! The following month we scheduled the surgery and my insurance said they would cover all of it! I did a lot of research, found an amazing doctor, looked at ALOT of pictures of boobs and made my decision. As I began to get closer to the date I started to feel alot of anxiety and about the surgery. It wasn't until my pre-op that I finally broke down and cried. I read the contract and I had to sign off where it said that I knew that I may not be able to breast feed my children. As a nineteen year old, I didn't give alot of thought about children I may or may not have. I just want to wear cute clothes and run comfortably and to just feel good about my body. But as soon as I got in my car after I signed that paper I just cried and cried. I just didn't know if my decision was stupid and irrational. I immediately felt guilty, like I shouldn't get the surgery. Like maybe I'm being selfish for wanting the surgery to feel good about myself when some people suffer way more pain than I do. Some people have way bigger breasts than me, so why should I get the surgery. Why can't I just accept that I have big breasts? As someone that is constantly advocating for women to love their bodies and not change for anything, I struggled with why I wanted to get the surgery in the first place.

I just didn't know if I was making an immature decision or not. I spoke with many people about it who had many different opinions but the one I valued the most was one from my best friend. She reminded me how much I have always wanted to do ballet and contemporary dance but I have always stayed away from it because of my large breasts. She told me that I would finally be able to dance with confidence. Run marathons with my dad, hike with my sisters and just be the active person that I've always wanted to be. The thought of that makes me almost cry with joy. I realized that the reduction will give me a freedom I didn't have before. So I got the surgery on September 18, 2012 and everything went perfectly.

No drains, outpatient, and I even made myself breakfast the next morning. I am recovering extremely well and I am so grateful for that. I've never seen my breasts so perky, the surgeon herself called them perfect. My nurses were kind and listened to my concerns. I even had a heart to heart with my nurse (tears included) about how nervous I was to get surgery when I am virtually 100 percent healthy. Any complications would be my own fault for deciding on the surgery. She assured me that I was doing something that would benefit me more than it would harm me. She made me feel very confident going into the surgery. She even let my ecstatic mother take as many pictures and videos as she wanted. My surgery lasted 2 1/2 hours and payment was easy (except for a run in with Northside Hospital about some billing but hospitals always try to pull one over on you when they see you're paying nothing out of pocket). My surgeon even called me the next day to see how I was feeling. All I could do was thank her.

I am recovering beautifully but one in a while I still feel a bit of guilt. I don't know if it makes me less of a woman. I don't know if it makes me a hypocrite. But I am very happy with the results. I'm excited to wear cute clothes that don't cover my body. I'm excited to sit up straight and proud. I'm a busy body, an Aries, and a control freak so I've learned so much about the body's healing process, the importance of resting and letting others take control. I can't force myself to heal as fast as I would like, I just have to let it take its course. It's been a beautiful experience. I would advise taking vitamins, not succumbing to junk food just because you're in pain and going outside. Even if it's just to lay back and read, the sun and fresh air has really helped my healing process mentally and physically.