5'9", 132lbs, Looking for Hope - Atlanta, GA

Did I mention that I lost 235 lbs last year? Well, I did and I lost it all in one day. On Jan. 6, 2014, my husband of 10 years packed his stuff in his car and moved to another state under the auspices of taking a new job. A job that he hadn't even told me that he was interviewing for. Six weeks later, he called and asked for a divorce, saying that he wanted to learn how to surf and date younger women. My stable, loving husband had "died" and been replaced with a self-obsessed monster. A classic midlife crisis, but that was of little comfort to me, then or now. I was devastated.

I never imagined that I would be facing the uncertain world of dating at the age of 56. But, I was. And with that realization came the knowledge that all of the health issues that I had put on the back burner while we were putting 3 kids through college would now need to be addressed. Although my finances were spread so thin, I set out on faith in an attempt to restore my health and my confidence.

First and foremost, I needed to address my problems with incontinence that had plagued me for years but that had worsened exponentially in the two years prior to my husband's departure. I scheduled a TVT bladder sling for mid-March. Because of the physical limitations that were placed on me during the 6-8 week recovery period, my employer required me to go on short tem disability for 2 months.

While I was recovering from that surgery, I realized that I would probably never again have such an incredible opportunity to address the issues related to two previous breast augmentations. Let me explain...

In 1977, I had my first breast augmentation. Believe it or not, that surgery was completely covered by insurance for psychological reasons! I had absolutely no breast tissue. I was basically two nipples with legs and I was teased mercilessly in school. My parents were able to get a psychologist to say that the surgery was necessary for me to be able to move forward with my life. My, how times have changed!

I had just begun to model professionally. I had actually lost jobs because I was too flat but I wanted to make sure that I didn't become too big after my surgery. The surgeon went with 200cc subglandular and I got on with my life.

By 1986, I was well established in my modeling career and had worked in Los Angeles, New York, and all over Europe. But, I had developed capsular contractures in both breasts and they looked awful. I went back to my PS and he offered to do a revision. During surgery, he discovered that both implants had also ruptured so he had to replace them. He stayed with the 200CC in a subglandular position.

I must say that I have been the poster child for why women should think twice before they get a breast augmentation. Every possible complication that could occur has actually happened. Let's see...

Numbness and complete loss of nipple sensation...check
Capsular contractures (twice)...check
Ruptures (2 sets)...check
Multiple calcifications resulting in needle biopsies...check
Autoimmune disease...check (The FDA says no correlation but I was temporarily partially paralyzed!)

In 2003, I went to a different PS in the hopes of finding some relief from my nightmare. He told me that the second set of implants had also ruptured and that I would need 3 operations. During the first, he would perform double subcutaneous mastectomies as if I had breast cancer. The subsequent 2 operations would be full reconstructive procedures. I cried all the way home and for days afterwards. And then I gave up.

Until last month. I became determined to become proactive in my own future. And so I reached out in faith...

I researched lot of Atlanta doctors here on Real Self first. Many did not seem to have enough of a track record in the revision department and I knew that was critically important to the success of my surgery. I had made a couple of consultation appointments when I came across the reviews for Dr. John Connors. His credentials, including Harvard, reassured me that he had the necessary skill and training. But when I initially called for a consultation, Tammy, his patient coordinator told me that he was not available for a couple of months. When I explained my situation and that I was trying to take care of everything during my short term disability, she immediately went into overdrive and found room on his schedule for the following week. She was amazing. She scheduled me for a consultation and said that if I felt comfortable that the appointment would convert into my pre-op appointment.

When I met with Dr. Connors, I was immediately put at ease. He made it clear that my surgery would be a real challenge but that he felt that he could help me. Ashley, his nurse, has been amazing. She has handled all of my fears and concerns and made me feel as if I am going to be beautiful. My surgery is scheduled for April 21, 2015. That is tomorrow!!!

In order to begin this journey on here, I took pictures of myself from every angle. Although I have seen myself for years, I guess I never really let myself realize how bad my breasts really are.

I am sitting here looking at myself in horror. It's no wonder my husband left me. I look like a freak.

I am praying for some relief from the physical and psychological ramifications of my breast implants. I want to be able to move forward into the next phase of my life with confidence and hope!

First of all, I want to thank each and every wonderful woman who reached out to me after my first post. I will respond to each of you. But my surgery is today and I don't think I will have time to do that before I leave my house.

It feels surreal to know that I will have more normal looking breasts today!

I have spent every spare minute for the past 10 days staring at pictures of boobs. At traffic lights, in line at the bank, waiting on my food at restaurants. Always searching for wish boobs that I can share with my PS so that he understands my goals. Yes, that's a screen shot from my phone. Yes, I'm obsessed. This must be what it's like to be a guy!

I was going to post pictures of my wish boobs but then I decided not to do so. My plastic surgeon has a big challenge ahead of him today. Although I know that I will look 1000% better than I do now, I want to be realistic. So, I'm going to refrain from posting pictures of what I hope to look like so that I can be more accepting of how everything turns out.

That's not to say that I haven't bombarded his poor nurse with LOTS of pictures. I have. I have sent pictures of what I would love to have, but also pictures of what I think is too small and pictures of what I think is too big. And she has been very gracious and reassuring about the process.

From what I've seen on this site, there seem to be two different approaches by plastic surgeons. There are those who seem to let the patient pick whatever size she wants and then they make it happen. Then there are the surgeons who are more conservative and are adamant that they will only work within the confines dictated by the patient's body...BWD, skin texture, skin laxity, existing breast tissue, and overall body proportion. My PS falls within that group.

During my pre-op appointment, he measured my BWD as 11 and initially recommended 255cc. I told him that if I was finally going to go through this arduous procedure that I wanted to be larger. He agreed to take 3 sets of sizers (255, 305, and 355) in to the OR and try them on me during the procedure. But he will make the final call at that time. He will have a board with the pictures that I have sent but he will determine what is the healthiest choice for my body.

I chose Dr. Connors for his Harvard training and his vast experience with revisions. I can't begin to claim that I know what's best for me in medical terms. But it's still hard to let go. It's my body and my future.

I really don't want to be huge at all. But I am tall and have a butt so I want some balance. I want fullness but I also want a natural slope. Upper pole fullness is less important to me. Maybe because that's all I've had for years! Dr. Connors said that the only way that I could go with larger implants was if I went with a high profile implant so I said no to that. So, it's up to him now.

Aauuggghhh...I think I have control issues! : )

Well, ladies, I am just about to leave my house! I would appreciate any prayers and positive thoughts that you might be able to send my way!

Well, ladies, I survived and I'm the proud mother of twins! I haven't actually seen them yet because they are still gift wrapped.

Hopefully I can do a full report tomorrow. But the girls are making their international debut, right here and right now!

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers!