5'9", 132lbs, Looking for Hope - Atlanta, GA

I didn't post about my first post-op visit and what happened on that momentous day so I would like to turn back the hands of time for a moment. ...

Last week, I went to Dr. Connors' office on Monday for my first post-op appointment knowing that a couple of things could/would take place. First, the drains might be removed depending on what Dr. Connors decided. Second, the bandages were going to come off and I was going to see the girls for the first time. But what I didn't realize was that a mystery was also going to be solved and I would be flooded with decades of pent up emotions.

The drain situation played out exactly like I thought it would. Dr. Connors determined that the right drain could come out but that there was still too much drainage on the left for that drain to be removed. I would need to continue to monitor the volume of drainage and let them know this past Friday morning. Based on that information, the drain would either come out that day or would have to stay in until my second post-op appointment. As a result, I had to continue taking antibiotics for yet another week. I've been on three different antibiotics over the last month. There's a very good reason that I am currently taking a probiotic every single day that contains 100 billion organisms!

Then it was time for the bandages to come off. I was suddenly shy, reluctant, and afraid. After Maggie, Dr. Connors' PA, removed the bandages, she helped me over to a full length mirror so that I could take my first look at what I had waited for for so long. I stared at the unfamiliar reflection and started sobbing, not knowing how to incorporate the image of this stranger who was staring back at me in the mirror. Maggie was so sweet, telling me how natural the girls looked. She started talking about what had happened during the surgery and how everyone was shocked when the original replacement 355cc implants looked so unattractive, giving me the same misshapen boobs that I had suffered with for so many years.

As she talked, all the pieces of the puzzle started to come together. Maggie told me that she and Dr. Connors realized at that time that I probably had suffered from tuberous breast deformity all of these years. The condition was first recognized in 1976. So, when I had my first BA in 1977, there probably wasn't much known about how to treat the condition through plastic surgery. Even now, not every PS has enough training and experience in the condition. Maggie asked me if I remembered having puffy areolas and I do seem to remember that in the photos taken at my original PS's office 37 years ago.

So much has changed in that time. Now, there are well defined steps that must be taken in order to treat the deformity. But, I wasn't fortunate enough to benefit from that knowledge.

My mother and sister had normal breasts. Hell, my sister's were DD's! I, on the other hand, had 2 mosquito bites on a chalkboard. I was teased relentlessly at school and I felt deformed and woefully inadequate. That thought colored every aspect of my self perception up until 8 days ago. The difference between then and now is that I now know that I wasn't imagining anything. My deformity was real and it had a name.

If knowledge is power then I now have the tools to embrace the reality of the situation that has distorted my self perception over the past 4 decades. It is time to release the feelings of ugliness and inadequacy that have haunted me my entire adult life. Dr. Connors and his team have given me an incredible gift...the gift of a future where I can begin to feel beautiful!

I wish that I had time to post about my two week post-op but I think that will have to wait until tomorrow.

Until then, here is a picture of my before and after results. I will probably never have the "perfect" boobs that I have longed for since my first BA went wrong. But, given what Dr. Connors had to work with, I think that he did a masterful job! No wonder he said it was one of the most difficult cases of his career!

I've been missing in action around here for a week now. I'm sorry about that.

This past week has been a bit of a roller coaster ride for me, a blur of many emotions. I had waited for so many years to reach this moment and I was overwhelmed. I should have been laughing but sometimes I found myself crying instead. Instead of feeling overjoyed, I often felt numb. Then I would become upset with myself for not being grateful and thrilled.

At some point this week, I found the illustration that I added to this post. It was on a plastic surgeon's website and it dealt specifically with elective breast surgery. When I saw it, I suddenly realized that much of what I was experiencing was normal. If you look at the picture, you see a little critter in a roller coaster car between the first and second weeks after surgery. She looks exhausted and there is even a little black cloud over her head with the words "Low Energy" and "Wiped Out" hovering near by. That was me! I'm not crazy!

The truth is that I have put my body through a lot in a short 4 weeks. First, I had surgery to address the incontinence that has plagued me for years and made it difficult for me to do much of anything active. Then, I had an outpatient surgical procedure to begin to address the terrible circulation issues in my left leg. And then I had my breast augmentation revision.

That's a lot of general anesthesia and pain pills. It's a lot of physical pain coupled with financial stress and worry. And, yes, there is also the wondering if my husband might have stayed if I had taken better care of myself. That part I'll never know.

But I'm trying to take better care of myself now. So I just took it easy this week. I didn't want to do anything more than rest and give my body and my mind time to recover from all I've put it through.

And now I'm back. Not 100% yet but moving forward little by little.

Tomorrow is my second post-op appointment. I promise that I will post an update with pictures and a progress report at that time.

But, for now, I'm going to drink a glass of wine and listen to some lovely, uplifting music.

Life is good. And it's only going to get better!