33 Years Old, 3 Kids, Five Surgeries Later! Terriffied! - Arizona City

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Ok where to begin.......sigh. Well I got my first...

Ok where to begin.......sigh. Well I got my first set of implants right after the birth of my first son back in 06. I always wanted breast implants ever since I can remember. I have always had issues with asymmetry and felt they were always a little smaller than I wanted . I was about a large B small C. So I got 350 cc saline implants. Well that wasn't big enough for me so I ended up getting them redone maybe a little less than a year later and upgraded to 500 cc's and a lift. Well at first I really liked them but after awhile they became really uncomfortable. I think my ribcage sticks out more on my right side, so my implants has always felt weird on that side and heavy as apposed to the left side. In 2009 I had my second son, and of course not to long after that I wanted to get them fixed. My breasts when I was pregnant got really really big! So I wanted to redo the lift! Well I saw a different surgeon hoping for a miracle. The surgeon talked me into going bigger as well as my ex husband at the time........."not a good idea!" And on top of that while I was under he decided to go even bigger than what we had discussed! So I woke up with 625 cc's. And I am 5"4 about 110. So obviously that was waaaaaay to big. 

We ended up moving to washington and I just couldn't handle the implants. They were so heavy and uncomfortable. I couldn't lay on my stomach or work out as easily. And another terrible thing is that surgeon redid my lift but left me with even bigger scars:( So I met with a surgeon out there who said he could puncture a whole in the implants and drain them a little and then let them slowly drain overtime allowing the skin to contract bk down. I didn't think this would happen but low and behold he was right. My breast completely shrunk down really small. I remember feeling so free and light! But I also looked really super skinny! I don't remember exactly how terrible my boobs looked at that point.So obviously I had to have another surgery to have the empty capsules removed. But this time I decided to go down to 265 cc's silicone. So I had those implants for a few years and they were ok except I still had that feeling in my right breast that it was rubbing or sitting on my rib, hard to explain but just uncomfortable enough to where eventually it drives you insane. 

Well I ended up going through a horrible divorce and into a new relationship. I never wanted to get pregnant again, but I did! So now my breasts once again got streched back out. Now at this point my right implant really started to move around in the pocket! If I laid on my stomach, or working out it just drove me crazy. It felt really gross. Of course this whole time the left one has been fine and I just have always wondered why can't my right breast be ok like my left? Its sad. So now fast forward a year later after having my daughter.........I decide to get them done this last time and decide to try the new seri silk mesh. well I was thinking around 400 cc's to try to hide my scars and keep it from moving in the pocket. And also decided to go with the textured implant instead of smooth hoping it wouldn't move around to much. I really put all of my faith into this surgeon who is well known for reconstructive surgery with breast cancer survivors. And I put my faith in the mesh holding them up and keeping that uncomfortable feeling from happening again! So I had the surgery on August 28th right after my birthday as a gift to myself. The surgeon said he was going to try different sizes while I was under. My intuition was telling me maybe I should stay smaller but I really thought the mesh would make all the difference in the world. Well my doc ends up putting in 485 cc textured silicone implants. When I woke up I asked what size I was and my boyfriend told me. I was concerned! But hopeful and druged out! Well its been 2 months and I have hated them the whole time! 

They don't feel like boobs at this point. They are very hard, and my right one feels super heavy again. I cannot go without wearing a bra or I freak out. Ever since I have gotten them I have had panic attacks, depression, and anxiety. I talked to my surgeon about this and he advised me to wait and give it time. This was over a month ago. Well thats all it took for me was another month until I called their office having another anxiety attack! I met with the doc and discussed getting them out. we also talked about me going smaller, but at this point I have had every size and nothing has worked! Big=heavy, small=implant moving in pocket. So I've decided that I have no choice but to explant. Its really depressing for me. Ive spent an insane amount of money over the years, have scars and lost sensation, and now its all been for nothing. Now Im going to be left with nothing:( I am terrified about whats left. I am a perfectionist and I am trying to be so vain but I want to still feel like a woman. This whole thing has affected me so badly that I am seeing two therapists! I am trying hypnosis as well. I am only 33 and I feel like I have been robbed of my boobs. I found this site a few weeks ago and its the only thing keeping me strong at this point! I don't mind having tiny breasts at all in fact I envy women who have small nice breasts but I am worried I won't have any tissue at all. My doc says I should but I'm not to optimistic about that. I don't want to have shriveled up raisins! I personally think everyone on here looks better after they explanted, but I am very very critical on myself! Im worried ill be that one story on here that will look terrible and be even more depressed. Im really praying for a miracle! I want to be healthy, and don't want to keep having surgeries down the road. Ive had many health issues over the years and I am hoping that once these are out that I will feel good. I will try to get pictures uploaded.

going back and fourth

Well today I'm having a heart attack! I keep going back and fourth in my head on what to do???? I have surgery scheduled next week but keep wondering if I'm going to be so depressed with my results! Im trying to stay strong but I feel like I'm going to look like botched surgery! Ugh.......anxiety has taken over:(

Last breast surgery on august 28th

smaller implants, good size but movement in the right pocket on my rib:(

Panic is setting in!

Well I keep having moments of strength and then I start thinking and thinking of how terrible and botched I am going to be:( I picture just tiny empty little sacks of skin. When I had my smaller implants I always felt like if I bent over the skin was just loose and empty looking. I had no upper tissue because the implants were in the bottom. Well then I had my surgery in august and got a lift and scar revision with bigger implants with mesh, so now I'm so scared that its just going to be so empty with removing them. My surgeon thinks Ill still have tissue but I just don't believe him. Im really praying its all in my head and is going to turn out better than the terrible picture in my mind! Im hoping with time and working out that the skin will become more tight and firm. Im just so small to begin with and I have a big arch in my back that causes my stomach to arch forward.......I don't want my stomach to look weirdly bigger than my flat chest! Any thoughts of encouragement would be awesome..........:) xo

calm before the storm

Well its sunday night and my surgery is on tuesday. Im feeling kinda calm and trying not to over think about things, but when I do have a moment to reflect on my thoughts its still there.......the fear of the outcome afterward. Is my body ruined forever and I'm only 33? Am I going to have a huge nervous breakdown? Is my boyfriend loosing the woman he thought was so beautiful, but now is botched? Am I going to feel just so much more disfigured? Im trying to stay strong and I am really calm right now which is kinda weird. I spent the whole weekend decorating the house with my family for Christmas......yeah its a little early.....but I love it and its such a good distraction and stress reliever:) I really pray with all my heart that God is with me on this one and can really keep me strong. I pray I can really learn to love myself even if I'm not perfect in my own eyes. Lord give me strength. I just really hope I'm not making bad decision number six!!!!!!!!!!!!

The night before........eek!

Well its the night before my surgery and I'm feeling .......well strangely calm trying not to overthink whats about to happen......cause its going to happen. Its now in God's hands. Im just going with my tuition and hoping, praying and believing its all going to work out! Positive thoughts right? I just don't want to wake up and panic. Hopefully ill be so relieved as everyone else on this site has been. Im sure it will be kinda up and down but I need to be stronger than ever at this point. If you read this please send positive healing thoughts my way............thanks for all of your support ladies!!!! mauh xoxoxo

There out!

Well the implants are out, Have no idea what they look like yet.......I have gauze wrapped around tightly and drains in....yay. Im pretty sore but haven't taken anymore pain meds just a valume to relax. Not sure how I feel about anything yet, kind of exited, but I go bk to the doctor on friday to take the bandages off and into a sports bra.......but I don't know if I can look!!!! Im worried my scars are going to look terrible because I no longer have big implants hiding them . Well Im going to try to keep positive and tell myself to give it time :) I have my healing hypnosis tape too that I will be listening to to help me speed the positive heeling process:) xoxo

Morning after surgery

Well its the morning after. I had a terrible time trying to sleep. I am pretty sore and itchy wrapped up pretty tight. I have drains in which is kinda annoying! But I haven't taken any pain meds only some tylenol last night. I don't want to be real drugged out and constipated, and then have an emotional comedown from them, so I'm trying to just deal with it naturally. I get my wrap taken off on friday and hopefully the drains out. I am super nervous to see what left underneath. I don't know if ill be able to look!!!! I don't want to freak out. I took a little peak at the top. look pretty flat which is fine, but I'm scared to see the whole enchilada! I did feel them and they are super soft which I'm kinda exited about because the implants felt like hard rocks! I asked for the implants but they forgot to give them to me when I was leaving to hopefully they'll have them for me on friday. It will be interesting to see what I was carrying around. Im scared but more exited to feel lighter and more comfortable!! Hopefully ill be more motivated a to get bk into working out again. And it will be interesting to see if my health gets better and even my anxiety and depression! So I've been seeing a hypnotist therapist as well for anxiety and she gave me some healing cd's so ill be listening to those to help speed up a positive calm healing process! I am also taking some gelatin that I got off of amazon to help with the elasticity! So we shall see. Ill post pics soon! Good luck to all the ladies on this journey too!

new pics the day after explant

Well here are some pictures......I couldn't help myself I had to peak. I will admit that I'm a little depressed about them, wish I didn't have such bad scars and the left bottom one of my breasts seems a little deformed, hoping it will fluff up after the tape is removed. And I have some weird bumps in the left scar going down, not sure what that is. Hoping that will go away. I know its the first day so I have much recovering to do, but its definitely a huge drastic change. I really hope they fluff up a bit. But I am naturally a thin person so I don't know if that will happen. Im trying not to be negative but I just hope I'm not really disappointed in the end.

feeling more down as the day goes on

Well the day started out pretty good. I was feeling really optimistic until I peeked and unveiled my boobs. I feel like I am one of the only ones on here that has absolutely nothing left! I am as flat as they come:( And the worst part I guess is that my scars go so high up in the middle of my chest that it gives me such a weird shape. I know things take time, but sheesh if they shrink anymore ill literally be as flat as a wall which is where I almost am now. My doc told me he thought I had a lot more breast tissue left but he was definitely wrong. Sorry for being such a downer but its been quite shocking! I don't think ill ever be able to fill out a bra ever again. And unfortunately my boyfriend hasn't been very attentive to me today which isn't helping......just feeling a little alone. Hopefully ill start feeling better soon!

Still in shock :(

Well today I decided not to wait for my surgeon to take the bandages off and switch me to a bra! The bandages were really bothering me and were super painful! So now I am in my sports bra. I am about as flat as a wall at this point. I really hope I don't get any flatter!!!!! Or I may have a heart attack. I really don't mind being small its just I'm angry at the surgeon who scarred me for life! Ive never seen anyone else with scars as wide as mine. My scars come all the way up into the middle of my chest causing me to have a weird wide boob shape! So wearing a regular bra just probably won't work because it cuts into the scar giving me this weird skin cleavage where it shouldn't be. I know that there are more important things in life than your boobs, but I feel like I've been robbed of ever being feminine again:( I wish my boyfriend could be a little more compassionate as well. Would it kill you to maybe try to cheer me up? ........sigh. Im so sorry I can't be all gung ho on here like some of you other courageous women, its just tough. I go through all of the pictures on this site and wish I had results like everyone else that was left with a little more tissue and no scars. Hopefully over time I will become more confident in myself, and maybe its a combo of shock and anesthesia depression thats making things worse right now. Anyway, thank you to all of your support!!!! You all are so amazing and I couldn't get through this without you. Love you all!!!!!!!!!!! xoxoxox

Going to the doc today

Well its friday and I had surgery on tuesday, so I'm praying that ill be able to get these drains out. Its not fun trying to conceal them while taking your kids to school! Thank God its been cold out and I can wear sweatshirts. So yeah, still a bit down but maybe if the drains come out ill feel a little more normal and comfortable. Pain hasn't been to bad. I haven't taken one pain pill since the surgery. I just don't like being really out of it and then coming off of those is no fun, not to mention being constipated from them. I haven't even really taken any tylenol besides the first night. I do take a valume at night to help me sleep better because I have a hard time sleeping on my back, so thats helped with that. I am taking my gelatin twice a day that I got on amazon. was a bit pricy but hey if it helps these sad little boobies out in any way its worth it. As far as my boyfriend and I go, not much is going on except we are pretty much not talking a whole lot. He just doesn't get what I've been dealing with and is feeling more sorry for himself right now. So I am kinda just focusing on me and my kids. Its hard though taking care of rambunkshus boys after surgery on your own. Anyway I'm still alive, I got God watching over me and Im trying to focus on the positive. At least I don't feel that heavy annoying implant crushing my right rib anymore, so thats good:) In fact I should be getting my implants today when I go to the doctor, So ill post those up later today. Im interested to see and feel how heavy these things are! Well I hope all you beautiful ladies are having a great day today!!!! xoxo

Bad news

Drains have to stay in:( hopefully Monday. Even though I'm not bleeding much, but just to be safe. Kinda sucks. Gonna have to figure out how to wash wash my hair..... Sigh.

day 4 after explant

Well its day 4, life has gone from bad to worse as my boyfriend and me broke up. Its been a rough 2 years and now I am 100% taking care of myself and kids. I am trying to be super human strong right now. Its rough, I'm definitely in survival mode and sad its come to this. But I am trying to just give it to GOD and hope he guides me in all of my decisions right now. Anyway enough about that. Well today I took my first shower to I could was my hair. That was interesting. I had to wear my sports bra because I sill have my drains in that have to be hooked onto something. So it was tricky but its amazing what you can accomplish when you need to even with obstacles. So it feels good to have clean hair. And I am feeling pretty tired today, didn't sleep good and I'm sure the stress of my life isn't helping. But I'm just trying to take it as easy as I can for now. I will post the pics of my gelatin that I'm using from amazon and a pic of my heavy implants that I can't believe were in my body....crazy. Well I hope all you amazing girls are having a nice weekend........xoxo

Feeling like I may be single forever

Well its been a rough one ladies I'm not gonna sugar coat it. Taking it hour by hour at this point. Ive had some good talks with people today......my ex husband believe it or not! So that's shocking and nice. But right now I am feeling so emotionally and physically scarred that I will probably be single for the rest of my life......no joke. I don't even think I could ever even get naked in front of a man again! I barely can handle my ps looking at them. Yesterday when I went all I wanted to do was run out of there, they wanted to show me my sutures with a mirror and I couldn't even bare to look in front of them! I really appreciate all the beautiful ladies comments on here, nothing more exiting and lifting to see a new encouraging comment. But I'm worried the tiny micro speck of tissue I have left is going to disappear! Im worried my stress is going to cause me to loose more weight and suck the rest of my pancakes out of me. Its hard to have an appetite right now, and make myself food.......I need a fattening meal asap! I need to try to fatten these little peanuts up.....lol. And on a funny note, I was on my bed and all the sudden I look over and my son and baby girl were playing with my implants..lol. My son who is 5 is really interested in this whole thing......he constantly want to see my drains and boobs....or lack of and hold the implants, poor kid.....ive probably scarred him for life...lol. I tried to explain the best I could......I don't know, its kinda funny to me. Well anyway just laying all my crazy thoughts out there. Feels good to get it out:) Hope everyone has a great night! xo

feeling oober sad

I really appreciate every sweet comment from all you girls! I just looked in the mirror and I swear my boobs are even smaller than at first so its probably the fluid that has been draining out. Im really pretty shocked at how ity bitty I am. Its really hard right now, at first yeah I was in shock but now I am just really scared. Its pathetic I know. But honestly, I don't even think I am an A or AA right now. I am like a 10 year old boy. I just don't even feel like a woman, and I almost wish I would have put in a tiny implant even though I know it probably still would have been uncomfortable. I just feel like its so unfair, like why is this happening to me..........how will I ever be able to feel good about my body. I feel BEYOND unattractive and it sucks. I wanted so desperately to be one of the women just so relieved and happy about this. I don't know if Ill even be able to wear a normal shirt again:( I don't see any fluffing in my future its a harsh reality Im dealing with. People would @*#$ themselves if they new how much money I spent on my boobs and this is what I'm left with.................ugh. I paid to destroy my body and confidence. What a monumental mistake this whole thing has been for the last 7 years!

fingers crossed

Well tomorrow I go bk to the ps and I'm praying I get these drains out! Hopefully that will make things feel more normal for me. Im a little nervous about getting them out though, I'm sure its kind of gross! eeek! I think getting them out will definitely lift my spirits so I don't feel like such an alien! My kiddos are so freaked out by them.....lol.

Got the drains out Yay!

Today I went to my ps. I waited 50 minutes in the waiting room......not cool! Then the only good thing that came of it was I got my drains out! It didn't hurt but felt really weird and gross! But its done with and I don't have to feel quite as freaky trying to hide them. Now I just have to hide my ridiculously flat chest!!!! I swear I look so flat is scary. My boyfriends , i mean ex boyfriend now, well his boobs are bigger than mine:( To bad I can't suck the fat out of him and put it in my boobs....heehee! Well on a serious note today was an extremely hard day for me. I literally felt suicidal. So much change an trama has happened to me in two years, and it probably wasn't the best idea having 2 surgeries in 2 and half months but I was trying to fix and uncomfortable problem with the implant. If it didn't bother me so much I wouldn't have changed them out. The size was good but unfortunately it didn't play out that way. Well the crappiest thing is I went through a horrible divorce about 2 years ago moved here from Hawaii, a single mom of 2 boys and one with autism. Then just I meet my current guy, act irresponsible and get pregnant again. Loose my relationship with both of my parents who have been divorced, loose my parent in laws that I was pretty close with, was so stressed out that after I had my daughter I got postpartum and had a nervous breakdown. I ended up in a hospital and rehab and thats been the course of my last few years. Now here I am boob less, boyfriend less and feeling pretty alone. So yeah, today I had a bit of a nervous breakdown. Ive completely taken full care of myself since surgery which has been rough and sad. And now I have to figure out how to start over. The house I live in is my boyfriends but I paid for an intire remodel and bought everything in it. These were all my choices as I thought wed be able to get through anything and one day be married. I guess you just never know what life is going to throw at you. Luckely I have a really good hypnosis therapist that had a 2 hour apt with me and made me realize that I'm stronger than I think of myself. I guess so since I've survived all of this thus far.......but if I'm really honest sometimes I feel like I can't take it anymore, like there's no more fight left in me. Especailly since my adrenal glands are pretty shot. Im sorry if I'm using this site to vent all of my personal info, but somehow it makes me feel better to speak the truth and be real. Im a real girl going through a real battle and I'm sure I'm not alone. We all are going through something in this world right? I know GOD is trying to get my attention......so I need to meditate in the word and get bk to my christian roots. Thank you all so much for allowing me to be me and be real and honest! You all are wonderful and I'm so grateful for this amazing site to connect with other's who get it! Its great to be able to receive love and give love to people you don't even know.....its a powerful thing! So many women want to tear each other down, but here we build each other up.....its awesome. Hope you have a great night! xoxoxo

Ok.....finally great news!!!

So after nearly wanting to die yesterday, I had some really great talks with some people.....my therapist for 2 hours who made me realize just how strong I am, and that I hold all the power. And an amazing talk with my ex husband......crazy, but hey, ill take it! So anyway, I woke up super early today didn't sleep much, but got up and read my devotional.........wow when GOD want to speak to you its awesome! So perfect......I decided to take a shower and wash my hair and maybe try a different bralette to see what it might look like after. But while in the shower I just felt so much better, I didn't have the drains in anymore, and I felt really light and free and just me! I had a talk with myself about how ........YEAH, you know what Kendall......you are strong, you are going to get through this......look at what you have survived and your still here! I am defenitly under attack spiritually, but you know the saying......"IF GOD IS FOR US, THAN WHO CAN BE AGAINST US" OR DRAW NEAR TO GOD AND HE WILL DRAW NEAR TO YOU"! And its amazing the grace that GOD has for us. So anyway, I'm feeling good, still not totally 100% in love with my itty bitties......but its definitely progress! Im sure ill have good and bad days.......but who knows, maybe I'm finally on an uphill slope for once! You all have been so kind and understanding of my ranting and raving........its really a gift! Thank you and I love you all soooooo much!!!!!! Girl power!!!! hehe:)

Happy Thanksgiving you awesome girls of Real Self!!!!

Well today is day 10 on Thanksgiving..........and I am so grateful for all of you on this site who have helped me get through this emotional battle! Its only day 10 but I'm feeling really awesome sitting here typing with no bra on.....letting my little turkey's breathe .......hehe. I am still hoping to fluff out more or by some miracle gain more tissue in the upper pole........but I am getting through and feeling so much better than just a few days ago. Im trying to be more patient with my body.......im sure ill have my ups and downs ........dont want to get to carried away and unrealistic.......but I'm well, so thank you Lord! I hope all of you have a wonderful holiday:) xoxo

Depression is creaping in a little

So I was feeling all pumped up today being able to go braless and be comfortable:) I really realized that I can feel that rib in my right breast and I think it pops out of place sometimes when I inhale really big especially while lying on my back. So anyway, I thought Id try on a bunch of new bras that I bought the other day at Target.......I didn't want to do it there in case I had a melt down and the lighting always makes you feel 10 times worse! So I bought a few 34 a bras.....ive always been like 34 c-d. Well I didn't even come close to filling one of them out and even the super padded ones......that pretty much shot me right down of my cloud. Then I tried a different cotton kind of lounge sports bra to wear around the house............and I look FLATTER THAN FLAT. I don't even mind being this small......but in every bra.....there is no upper pole! Just a tiny little lump and I mean little at the bottom of my non, barely there boobs:( And Im sure it didn't help that my boyfriend took our 1 year old daughter to the dunes yesterday for 5 days for thanksgiving and my two boys have practically killed me. we spent thanksgiving alone because we have no family except for my sister who lives far away. Its been kinda rough!!! Somehow I forced myself to make french toast for breakfast, make their father art and birthday cards, and cook a thanksgiving dinner and bake my first pie all by myself!!! Ugh.....sigh......its been a doozy. And no text from the ex about the holiday.........O well, time to suck it up and move forward AGAIN. Trying to stay positive but I'm tired and can't honestly wait for the boys to go visit their dad for awhile.........they are constantly trying to break everything and kill each other.......everyday starts at 7 am like clockwork! Sorry..........its just kinda hard around the holidays when your alone I guess and that starts to sink in as you see on your fb everyone celebrating with their families. Thanks for listening to my little pity party...lol. Love you gals xoxo

Kinda freaked out

So I just now noticed today that my right breast seems really sunken in compared to my left....The left is looking decent for the smallest boobs ever....but my right is missing tissue in the upper pole and looks terrible! Has anyone else had this happen and had it fill in or am I pretty much destined for fat transfer???? Ugh........boobs!!!!! And the weird thing is the right boob was always way bigger and now its opposite!

Just wanted to say thank you all of you:)

I will keep it short and sweet, I wanted to give serious thanks to all of you courageous amazing women!!! You have built me up when I've been down and all over the place! Sometimes I feel like i can come across as annoying and unstable.....lol. But I guess this is why we are all on this site. Its because of you all and this amazing site that I believe GOD led me to that I have been strong enough to get through this in the midst of so many other life events......I feel so supported and thats what fuels my fire each and everyday to keep pushing through and If I can encourage anyone else in there's then thats just an awesome thing.........Just wanted to say love you all!!!!!!!!!!! Muah xo

ummm just realized something

Well today is like day 12 since explant and all of the sudden as I've posted earlier, my right breast seems smaller which usually is the bigger one and they both honestly seem to be shrinking more.....well just on a whim today I decided to weigh myself and uh O! Ive lost 10 lbs! Now most people would be thrilled about this, but not me, Ive actually been trying to eat more to gain a bit to see if it would help plump the girls!!!!! I mean thats kind of a lot to loose in like a week! I have been stressed so thats the only thing I can think of that may have caused this. So now I really need to eat more which is hard for me because Im just naturally smaller and I've been on a super healthy path since finding out about my sons autism and our food allergies......So we eat mostly gluten free, dairy free, and soy free! I have literally been going out and eating lots of mexican food just stuffing myself and eating pumpkin pie everyday! I know most people that would read this are probably like.....o what an idiot, she's complaining about loosing weight......but when your boobs are shriveling into practically non existent....yeah its no good! I am planning on starting my personal training in mid Dec, so maybe I could really try to pack on some muscle and weight in a healthy way!!!!! Sorry, just thought id update my lame little issue.

Feeling down whats new

Wishing in this moment I could be stronger like most of you on this site.......Its like a trip through being bipolar! Im upset because my right breast has seemed to lost so much more tissue in the upper pole that I've noticed, has anyone else had this happen where one breast get smaller??? I don't know if thats just how their going to be or if the left has some swelling or what but its really making me sad......and then I get mad at myself for letting it affect me.......I just want some peace within myself about myself.......I just feel so upset that I can't seem to jus get a normal outcome with implants, without......its draining and I try not to think about it.....but its like a little devil sitting on your shoulder telling you that your not normal, your ruined and ugly and disfigured........is it karma because of all the bad surgery choices or just bad luck! This has been such a psychological roller coaster for me, that I wish I could overcome...................How does the bigger boob just disappear? And to make things worse....the bf is bk from his trip and now its bk to me hibernating in my room and us not talking........I find it so amazing and weird that the person you were planning your life with is just like.......whatever........no thoughts! Its a weird energy. Feeling just out of place and wishing my little boob would come bk............

Feeling sad alone and fearful

This doesn't have a lot to do with my breasts, but its pretty much final. My bf and I had THE FINAL TALK, and he is pretty done dealing with me, I guess I can't blame him, its been a lot in 2 years. Just the finalization of things hurts my heart and is so scary.........single mother of 3. Feeling completely abandoned by everyone in my life. I just would appreciate any prayers. And I'm sorry I don't even know if this is appropriate of me to share so much of my life on here. But sometimes I feel good to write it out. Thank you for all of your support..........im fighting bk my tears as I just want to callapse but I'm not allowing myself to go there right now:(

My left breast is full my right is gone

Has anyone ever had one boob get fuller and one just deflate.......I can't help it but its so weird.....I don't know if theres something wrong I don't think its fluid but not sure, it doesn't feel squishy, its pretty firm, but the other was pretty even with it, I was just kinda getting use to them and now I'm obsessed that its just shrunken down:( this is so draining, thinking of calling my ps tomorrow.

Going to the doc today

So I'm going into the doc today to see if I've developed a hematoma in the left breast. Its very full in the upper pole but the right is completely empty and softer. I told my ex whom I'm still living with but in the process of moving and he says its my fault for pissing him off that he didn't help me out more after surgery. Im in shock...................................ive been up since 3 am crying. Please God not another surgery.

went to the doc

So I have fluid trapped,,,,,he tried to stick a needle in it and drain it but he couldn't get it because it was to deep by the ribs so I have to watch it and if it doesn't go away I have to have a radiologist person find it and try to get it out. He also said fat grafting would not work for me because I am way to thin. So that was a bit of a bummer too:( So I guess we'll see how this all plays out.

Fluid in breast

Has anyone has fluid trapped in there boobs, I have on one side that is bigger with fluid we think.....ps stuck a huge needle inside and tried to suck it out.......barely anything came out and he said he thinks it could be back by the muscle and ribs.......so now of course I'm obsessing on this mess, and have to wait it out for a couple weeks or have a radiologist like x ray and see exactly where there is fluid because he didn't want to keep sticking me all over. Now I have a golf ball lump and bruise on that side that feels terrible! I just want to wake up and the fluid is gone so I don't have to worry. My results are starting to look so bad to me though I've been contemplating having like the smallest implants possible like 100 cc's put in in like 9 months if I still look horrendous. I definitely need to heal and let things relax for awhile but I'm feeling pretty deformed and gross right now. I can't even imagine what I'm going to look like in a bra or normal shirt thats not a sweatshirt:( And my scarring is giving them a weird shape.............ugh why can't I have just been one of the lucky one's that looked fab and felt great right now:( I know its still early but honestly I'm terrified its going to keep looking weirder and weirder!!!!! Lord have mercy on my little bitties please!!!!! xoxo fingers double crossed for all of us on this crazy train!!!!!!!!!!!!! xo

ummmmm yeah????

Wow, that was weird what Dakota 1020 said.........I was confused........ummm I didn't want to go bigger obviously thats what I did before explant because my body didn't like it. Maybe she's on this wrong site????? Did she read anything on here that I or anyone else said? Anyway I just had to laugh at all the funny responses to her because yeah........I think we were all like whaaaaaa???? haha. Anyway, I'm hanging in there and trying not to be to hard on myself....you know you have good days and bad.....I might be a little bipolar because of all of this....lol. But thank you ladies for standing up to that girl. I don't know really what she meant or if she was trying to be rude......but hey its like Taylor Swift say....."Shake it off"...hehe. Trust me I've done plenty of research and it was about explanting which is what landed me here. Thank God for this site!!!! Hope you awesome ladies have a great weekend. And we all just need to remember to be compassionate with each other. Its sad how mean girls can be to each other. we need to support and build each other up. And we all need not be easily offended by ignorant people......I say this to myself as well because its very easy to get offended and take things the wrong way. Well maybe she'll think about how she came off, and why she was on here in the first place???? Hungs to all my sistas!!!!!! xoxo

Wishing I could look good in a bra

Well Im still in my fabulous sports bra day and night. Feeling kinda down because the fluid in the left breast isn't going down. I think its like day 17 or something, kinda have lost track. I haven't really found a bra I fill out, and I'm not really wanting to keep trying new ones on right now because its upsetting. And its worse because the left one that has fluid or whatever fills the bras out more but the right doesn't......so yeah.........kinda sad I can't just wear a nice little bra:( These sports bras are giving me nots in my neck! ugh

Kind of worried

Well as you know from reading my previous post that I had gone to my ps a week ago to have him try to get some fluid out of my left breast. He had to stick a needle in there and move it around a bit. I never noticed this before, but after I have this huge lump in my breast that hurts and I can move it around..........im praying that its just from him trying to get the fluid out.......especailly since I never noticed it before........but I'm a worrier so I just thought you all could chime in on what you think.....has anyone else experienced this before. Im sure my breasts are so traumatized from everything.......it will be nothing short of a miracle if I end up a year from now with decent happy boobs!

Okay WTF??????

I know some of you have seen some of the craziness going on under my post about fluid in my breast.......I am beyond confused and frankly now its really pissing me off. Theres 2 women on here talking about getting judged for wanting to go bigger.....not sure if its the same person with 2 profiles or what..........but what the heck?????? I feel like I'm getting attacked and others here to support me on MY PROFILE!!!!!!!!! how is this even happening? Ive never said anything about anyones implants but my own, and never have judged anyone!!!! This person or persons need to get off my profile and go to a breast augmentation forum, and get off my profile. This is sick demented negativity!!!!!!! We are all about helping each other not judging or hurting anyone.........this is what I hate about mean girls......get a life and go away because I'm not apart of this drama. ugh.......its getting me all worked up and its so dumb..........these people need GOD and to respect others on their profiles. Peace out!!! Lol

three weeks

Today is the three week mark. Im still feeling a little emotional about my breasts. Ummmm not sure if mush has changed haven't really even wanted to take anymore picks yet because I'm trying not to have a meltdown...lol. Feeling a little under the weather so trying to rest and fight that. But my boyfriend and I had a long heart to heart and have decided to go to counciling and give a shot. I can see he' s making an effort and so I'm willing to as well. Im still a little upset about all I've had to endure physically on my own, but trying not to dwell on it to much, but I'm a virgo........I can forgive but its hard to forget. So anyway that's where i am in that. My boys went to Hawaii yesterday to visit their dad so its more quiet around here which is a nice break...sigh. Yesterday my boyfriend took me to my favorite mexican place and it was nice, but I'm dealing with this horrible battle of envy!!!! I feel like now I'm obsessed with everyone else's boobs......stupid I know. But I feel every insecure and inadequate compared to other women. Especailly living in scottsdale where everyone has a boob job. I like having little boobs I really do, but I see myself as deformed, scarred and I see the mistakes I made and the horrible things that surgeons did to me. And to pay a lot of money for that.....it sucks. Im trying to work through it and luckily my boyfriend is being really supportive now about it trying like you all to make me understand it doesn't make me less. But its something that I'm not quite sure ill be able to get over or at least for awhile anyway. Im not crying about it daily or anything like that, and I'm trying to tell myself its still very early, but I'm just telling all of you whats going on in my head at three weeks. So many women on here have such amazing changes through the year so thats whats keeping me together and somewhat hopeful in this process. So thank you all for your sharing and pictures and your stories that inspire me and so many others.......ill post pictures soon maybe in a week at the one month mark:) Love you all..............and p.s I have reported all the negativity from a certain person on here that is using this profile to bully other women and hopefully there will be something done about this issue. We all need to have positive energy on here not that yuckiness! Muah xoxo

had a great day until................

So I had a great day getting my hair done, finally decided to put a real outfit on and wore a regular bra.......but totally didn't fill it out, felt self conscious all day about that, just tried to wear a blk sweater. But I noticed the fluid going down in my left boob......good news until tonight.....I decide to take a nice bath.......then I get out to lotion up and look in the mirror........my left boob is looking really uneven due to the stupid long scar........its like a part of the left bottom side is missing. I guess when the fluid was in there it didn't look so wonkey. There getting smaller.........I like being small but I can't fill out any bra, not even padded because thats all there is in there is padding. I just pray that things are getting worse before they get better. I really feel like my breasts are like no one's on here.......just getting smaller and deformed. I really felt like I was feeling a little better and I am you know trying not to let this get me to down, but i have moments of...........OMG! I don't want to look horrible forever. I want to feel like a woman, right now I feel half:( Its a horrible feeling.......on one hand I'm very comfortable and light, on the other Im feeling less of a woman and gross and insecure. I have some really bad scars compared to most women on here............Who the heck besides me has made the monumental mistakes of having like 5 surgeries minus the explant all with scar revision and lifts!!!! I never should have lifted so much and had so many scars.....ugh. its changed the shape of how my normal boobs should be. I know most of you are like.............SHUT UP ALREADY.......ITS JUST BOOBS! But its hard, really hard for me right now to look in the mirror and see just discust and how mush worse can this go??? Im keeping myself busy daily trying to pamper myself with pedicures, hair makeover, facial, trying to, you know, give myself a little love while the boys are visiting their dad. But its those moments alone after a bath or shower when you say yuck I shouldn't have even looked. Why was I dwelt these cards..........why was I so stupid in ruining my body.........ugh. Im really trying daily........but when you have unexpected changes that aren't looking good it kinda knocks ya back down a bit. I just want to see some good changes soon. I don't want to feel inadequate for the rest of my life. Im looking for a therapist that specializes in BDD but I haven't been very successful, not giving up but its a challenge. I know people don't get it, try to tell you its not that bad, its not important, my bf loves me anyway, but I need a miracle to convince myself of these thoughts. Its rough rough rough. Theres so many beautiful women in this world and its terrible and very ugly and honest, but I'm envious of that. Its my worst trate right now. I don't need perfection, I just want something that feels normal. I feel pathetic even saying all of this right now.........but its what I'm thinking so there you have it. Im still here, I blessed in so many other ways, I'm just in a battle right now.......hopefully one day I win this dam thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Panic attack

Well I didn't even really look at my boobs for a couple days, tried to stay somewhat positive and hopeful, was happy that the fluid was starting to go down in the left............now I wish it was still there. Im just horrified with the way things keep changing! My left breast is looking so deformed its crazy, they are so uneven and just scarred up to death its so sad to me. I thought maybe things would look better as time went on but its progressively getting just UGLY. I just feel defeated right now and like there is no hope for a good outcome for me. Whats done is done.............im not going to one day just have a nice outcome....to much damage is done!!!!!! This is just an awful experience and I feel I have to except I'm damaged and unattractive. Im sorry I'm NEGATIVE NANCY.......but these are the facts :(

I feel deep sadness:(

God what I wouldn't give to be as happy as all these other women explanting and feeling so much better. I seriously think I'm the only one on here loosing my mind. Ive had 5 flipping surgeries to fix the unevenness in my breasts and what am I left with, a deformed left breast missing tissue and the right breast still hanging lower and larger looking. It looks like I have 2 completely different breasts. I know their not twins, but geez.........what the hell have these surgeons been doing????? I feel like i need to have the right one fixed again and made smaller to match the left............I seriously feel like isolating myself away or running away. Now I'm seeing a doc this week to get put on some sort of depression and anxiety meds over this that will probably give me a million other side affects.......im so stressed out Ive been smoking....and I don't even smoke! My faith is dwindled down..........ive prayed about this so much over the years trying to get some relief, peace, a good outcome.......yet NO. I can't find joy in anything anymore because this has been so stressful for so long! I feel so defeated and weak and soooooooooo flipping pathetic that I let this consume me so much.......why can't I flip the magic switch in my head and see the good??? Is anyone else feeling as terrible? I doubt it. People think I made a rash decision to get my implants out, but I couldn't handle the feeling anymore.......now I have a meltdown every time I take a shower! I don't even want to go out in public because I feel so inadequate, and unattractive and I know what mess I have going on under my shirt that I can't shake out of my mind because everywhere you look theirs women with breasts........omg someone just come over here and out me out of my misery. sigh :( I know I'm very dramatic........btu this whole thing has made me loose it.

28 days post op

Well, not much has changed since last posting my last pics. I have been trying to keep busy on re doing my boys rooms while they are visiting their dad for the holiday. Got depressed again after showering today:( I try not to look, but sometimes its hard when changing and I haven't found much luck about bras.......just wearing ones that don't really fit or sports bras and sweatshirts. I still have a lump in my breast that is tender and really hard that I noticed after my ps tried to get the fluid out, so hoping its just from the needle he stuck in there, but not sure if its scar tissue or something? Im hoping it will go away....im still bruised there as well. I can move it around its gross, but I hope its just trauma. I know I'm still early in this process,,,,,,,,,,,,,it feels like eternity sometimes!!! Im thinking my right breast may need more surgery which totally sucks! I had all these surgeries to try to fix the asymmetry but still the right breast is much bigger.........ugh. Congratulations to all the women that have been explanting lately and are doing great!!!!

starting some meds tonight

Well I saw a phycologist today and am going to be trying some depression meds today. Im so stressed out about it though because I don't even believe in antidepressants, but feel I have no choice at this point. I just hope it works......I don't want a bunch of side affects.......ugh. Doesn't help that yesterday I went in for a light trim on my hair that I've been trying to grow out forever but kept getting bad haircuts.........but.......the girl went to town and over layered the crap out of it and now I feel like I have a mullet! Sigh:( I think I'm cursed sometimes I swear! I am terrified of getting my haircut for this reason.......and trust me I aint going to super cuts...........I might as well for what I keep ending up with, at least it wouldn't cost an arm and a leg! So yeah, thats not helping me feel any better about appearances. I wish I was one of those women that just didn't give a @#*! about how they looked sheesh. Sometimes I feel like moving to the hills and throwing in the towel. I feel so self conscious its all consuming. I can't go work out because I'm afraid about what to wear, I don't want to stare at my flat chest in the mirror, I can't find a bra, I don't want my trainer and people at the studio to see me now.........I won't even dress in a normal shirt or tank, I don't even want my bf to see me in anything because I look so weird:( I have the body of a 12 year old girl right now. And don't even say thats a good thing....lol. Ill keep you all posted on if my crazy pills help me calm myself soon:) fingers crossed!!!!

Feeling hopeless but determined!

well as most of you know I have been looking into getting help for my body image that has gotten worse since explant. I have tried a medication called lamotrigine the last 2 nights and of course it made me feel weird yesterday........but then last night was terrible.........I had really crazy intense dreams and insomnia and my mind was racing and racing........so I woke up feeling cracked out and exhausted. And my doc wasn't working today so I couldn't talk to her about what to do. I have decided not to take it this weekend and call her on monday. I am just tormented though because if you all new me you would know that I'm a real advocate for naturalpathic remedies! I have a son who has autism and I have been seeing natural doc and homeopathic docs for years. But even though sometimes things hall a little I have extreme cycles of depression and anxiety and really terrible body image issues that I've had for a long time! I don't see what everyone else tells me they see, nor do I always believe them. Its really a terrible way to live. I don't feel like I'm always living.......but mearly surviving sometimes..........I may be bipolar.........I have no idea at this point.........ive been through a lot in my life and surgery made things worse over the years. So anyway I reached out yesterday to a church I've gone to and found a bible study support group for women that have body issues only to find out today that group isn't happening right now due to the fact there are not enough women to join...........so that sucked because I was really hoping to connect with other women in person that know what I'm dealing with too. My biggest fear is this whole medication thing..........i don't want to try this and try that while my body is freaking out and having all these crazy side affects. My bf says that he's heard there's a medication that is right for everyone out there its just a matter of finding the right one???????? Ugh............but I don't know if I believe that, especially for someone that is so allergic and sensitive to EVERYTHING! I tried different meds last year when I got postpartum and had my breakdown and it made me feel terrible and worse! I had to take myself off everything and detox off of that, and that was insane.....sigh. So yeah, I'm praying I'm searching and trying everything for the sake of my life, kids, bf, and loved ones...........I just wish I was normal and didn't have all these issues so I could just move forward not having to constantly try to fix myself. Well, so there ya have it ladies........I am a hot mess...lol. But yeah, I'm still searching and determined to get there one day. Just thought id update you all on my crazy life .........maybe it made a few of you feel better about yours...lol:) Any suggestions are always great. Im going to continue to look for other groups and councilors..........its just sad what us women go through mentally and physically with our bodies and minds...............xoxo


So I've always had problems with my right breast bothering my rib and thats a huge reason for my explant. Well its sad because the feeling hasn't gone away! So its gotta be something weird with my rib. Obviously theres no implant there to rub on it or move around which felt gross, but I am bummed that after all of this surgery and trying to fix this garbage I'm still uncomfortable. Ahhhh what I wouldn't give just to be comfortable in my own body. Its so dumb yet such a huge issue for me. I think thats why I obsess on my boobs so much is because I constantly feel this feeling that reminds me of my boob issues all day. Im thinking of having my ribs x rayed to see if there's something weird going on in there or what! Hope all you girlies are doing well and have a nice weekend xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

34 days post op

Today I am really struggling with my decisions on surgery.........I really didn't like the last pair of giant implants I had, I wish I would have tried smaller ones with the mesh now that I know that I will always be uncomfortable with or without implants. Now I'm uncomfortable with deflated deformed looking boobs. The only thing I like about them is the fact that their softer now. But other than that its a nightmare for me. I thought after taking the implants out Id be more comfortable with no bra on, but my right breast is still having that feeling like I need to lift it up. Its still bigger than my left. I feel the surgeon should have to re lift it for me considering I spent soooooo much on everything which include a full lift. The breasts should be more of the same size!!!!! I know everyone has a little asymmetry but I feel you can really see mine more because of the anchor scar going down, their clearly different lengths. The right is a lot longer. I feel like that one needs to be re lifted with the nipple pulled down a bit to even them out. Its so frustrating because I've mentioned this to the coordinator and ps but they acted as if things would be ok after explant with not fixing it:( Obviously they were wrong, I feel like no one ever listens to me or takes me seriously and then I always end up being right....ugh. It could have saved me a lot of stress and more future surgeries!!!!!

34 days so far..........forgot to add this pic

Trying so hard to keep it together!

Well today I started my depression meds again. this time in morning instead of night.......Yesterday I fell into the black whole of depression. I literally have felt suicidal over all of this its crazy!!!! I thought id be so much more comfortable having those big implants out, and its so sad that I feel even more uncomfortable!!! My right breast needs another lift, of just the nipple pulled down tightening the skin. And it still bothers my rib or something......cant really explain the feeling.....its like I still just want to lift the breast up and it alleviates the pressure. when I flex that chest muscle it lift the breast up and feels better. I feel literally like I am the ONLY woman on the PLANET that has this problem!!!! It seemed like at first I was feeling more comfortable and then that feeling came back!!!! I CANNOT find a bra that fits.......I have that one I posted from victorias secret........the problem is yes I'm only like a 32 around.......but my cup size is smaller than an A. So even the A looks soooooooo narrow on me creating a this armpit and side chest fat coming out the side! I honestly think I am leaning towards a small implant for sure. I have nothing to fill in a small cup which causes whatever bra I'm wearing to ride up on my boobs..............very uncomfortable and annoying and just reminding me that theres nothing there to hold it down! I feel I am in a loose loose situation here. I am thinking like 150 cc's when I'm fully healed! I know I'm early in the recovery but I doubt I'm going to have any fluffing going on or much improvements. This whole boob thing has literally destroyed me. I am so beyond unhappy and insecure...........its all I think about every waking second. Ive been keeping busy with my daughter and boyfriend, trying to tell myself that this is really selfish of me always complaining and being depressed over this.........but when that feeling is there nagging at you 24/7 its impossible to overcome. If I wasn't so uncomfortable in bras and braless I wouldn't think about it.....I would just throw on a bra and not look at them. But I can't do that. It really is killing me from the inside out!!! I have lost my faith........why would God want me to suffer so bad with this issue??? Maybe it has nothing to do with him, but Ive prayed so much about this over the years........I know you don't always get what you want or pray for..........but sometimes when you feel its life or death.........yes I know dramatic.......but I'm being real here. Why ???????????? Id rather have something wrong with one of my legs or something.....there's something about and uncomfortable boob that is sooooooo terrible. Ive been debating taking my profile down because I don't want to discourage people thinking about this because yes there are a lot of women out there having great results and feeling so much better......I don't want to ruin that for someone! xoxo

Christmas Eve

Today is Christmas Eve, and I have to tell you that I'm not into it. This boob thing has really killed me inside. From all of your standpoints looking at me........things don't look that bad. But the uncomfortable factor on my rib and the fact that I had a lift done just a few months ago that wasn't cheap is taking over my every thought. I hate that I paid for a lift yet came out so uneven! I tried to tell the ps this too but he kept acting like the implants would even out..........well we can all see it wasn't the implants because its still there. I have this extreme issue with things being uneven.......OCD maybe or something........and the fact that I can feel it because the tissue bothers me, the bras I wear ride up on that side,..........makes me crazy. I just feel hopeless and like a depressed broken record! I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. All I want to do is numb myself from feeling anything at this point. I know this is a terrible thing to say out loud.....but I have thought of what it would be like if I wasn't here anymore.......but I know that I have my children........why isn't that enough to get me through this???? Its hard to admit all of this because I feel like this isn't the real me and these circumstances have molded me into this mess that I now am. I try to tell myself everyday it isn't about me anymore.........but I can't shake that feeling and unevenness that I feel. Sometimes I really feel cursed.......maybe its what I've sowed for all these horrible surgery mistakes I've made. Im on day 2 of meds.......I feel somewhat calm, but very sad inside that this is what I have to live with now. I don't want anyone to even see me. So I don't do a whole lot of activities hanging with friends, just my bf and kids. I just wish I could have been blessed one time with a good outcome, the one I was hoping for this time. I know its early, but I know my right boob isn't magically going to shrink up and be comfortable all the sudden. I just wish I knew of one other person that had this weird uncomfortable issue that I'm dealing with............I swear I'm the only one.

Thinking of a right breast crease lift

Has anyone ever had there crease in there great lifted before???? My right breast as you all know is larger and hangs lower. The crease is lower and my bra rides up exposing my scar and it is very uncomfortable......someone suggested to me that maybe the crease was lowered before. I don't think it was surgically lowered but has always been lower or made worse from the heavy implants I had? I am wondering if its possible to raise the crease and tissue to make things more even? Ive asked the docs on here waiting for an answer on that, and am going to see what my ps says on monday about it. The left breast tissue is so mush higher on that side that I'm wondering if we could do the same to the right if it would help ease the pressure off that rib maybe? when I flex my right breast it raises it up and it feels good, it elevates the pressure and feels like its supposed to be up there. I wonder if I need like an internal lift or the muscle and tissue needs to lift up???

asked the docs of real self

So I asked the docs opinions on real self and they agreed that my right breast is larger and the nipple is higher. They said the crease can be moved up. Im just pissed off at my surgeon right now because I literally just had a lift done that was very expensive but he didn't obviously do it even. I feel like he should have to fix this for me. I paid for him to give me uneven breasts:( what do you all think about this????? My breasts were pretty even before I had the last set and lift done. He made them more uneven. Ill have to try to get my before pics from him to see........but I strongly feel he should have to fix this problem.

Feeling sad

Well its final, my bf doesn't want to deal with my depression anymore......cant say I blame him. But spending Christmas alone was sad. Its time for me to face the music. I just wish he could have understood my point of things. He thinks the whole breast situation is weak. Its hard to be in a relationship when you have all these issues with surgery and no one in your life that understands it. Im not focusing on my breast anymore because now I have other issues to focus on like getting into a different house. I told him I need to take some time to go work on myself without having it affect him and without judgment. But now he's telling me he wants sole custody of our daughter. Its so stressful:( Im a good mom, I've just been through a lot and am taking action to get my depression under control from all of these things. I was just hoping that on christmas he would surprise me with a heart felt card.......thats all I wanted.......but he didn't want to do that. He says my depression makes him not respect me and makes him not want to do romantic things for me:( I feel a real partner would want to do something to cheer that person up????? I don't know.Im trying to handle all of this like an adult. I don't want a war. But its not helping me feel any better. Im basically the sole provider and I feel he wants sole custody to get money from me. And its hurtful because she's my only girl. I guess in my fairy tail in my head I thought that maybe I would go out and live on my own and do counciling and work on me for a bit and maybe there would be some shot for us in the future for the kids sake and because I really do love him. But if he wants to get nasty then that speaks volumes. Its hard to deal with. I put an app on a house today that I was considering before and its still available so maybe ill be able to move soon. Staying here just makes me more sad, and its awkward. Anyway I know this isn't really about boobs today..........but needed to put this out there I guess. xoxo

Feeling good today

Im feeling a little better about my boobs, probably because I'm dealing with so many other things, but trying to not obsess so much. so thats a good thing. I guess when all hell breaks loose you realize whats really important and put things into perspective. Not sure if things are changing anymore but not focusing on that for awhile......got to give it some time. So anyway thought id share that.

Just when you think things are looking somewhat ok

Today I looked in the mirror and its kinda freaking me out. I know I said I was going to not think about it, but when you see a change and its not good.........ugh. My left breast, I feel like its retracting more or something:( The scar line is so tight and flat and the tissue is way above it now, but the right is lower and fuller. I just wish I didn't have such a drastic difference in them! I want to be done with boobs but its so hard to feel happy with yourself when you know you look weird under your clothes. I don't expect perfection, but just want them a little more even so I don't have 2 completely different looking boobs:(

Holy Shit!

I took some pics today and I'm having a melt down! Yeah everyone keeps telling me.......their going to change..........well you are right!!!!!!!!!! But for the worse!!!!!!!!!!!!They are looking crazy right now and I cannot literally deal with this hell anymore............I am dying right now. Everyone see's it, its not in my head:( Its discussing and I can't help but feel terrible. I AM DEFORMED!!!!! And for people telling me that boobs eventually sag and look unattractive later in life.........its not making me feel better because guess what I'm 33 and their already there!!!!!!!!!!!

more from today

Thinking of flying to texas for a consult

I found this doc........Gary Horndeski who specializes in breast lifts!!!! If only i had found him years ago!!! He has he horndeski method which is a scarless way to lift the breasts anchoring them to the muscle instead of allowing your own skin to do so which overtime fails. Obviouslly its to late for me to not have scars........but if he could anchor up my right breast maybe it could elevate my uncomfortable issue and maybe he could fix the shape of the left? Hopeful thinking right now........He had so many amazing results for women with no implants. Its a bit late for me at this point to have that kind of outcome, but maybe this uncomfortable problem could be fixed!

So much for that

Well 2 women have come forward telling me that the doc I wanted to see had some really botched results...........this is a big letdown. I thought I stumbled onto some hope:( I get what everyone is saying about waiting and all..............but I feel like no one understands that yes they look bad.......but the biggest problem I'm having is the uncomfortable breast crease issue:( Well I still have my appointment on monday so I guess we'll see what he says. I just wish I want uncomfortable so then maybe this whole waiting thing wouldn't suck so bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My little glimpse of hope is shot for now.........glad I know though..........I cannot afford to be anyone else's science experiment! sigh

doc follow up

went to see my ps today............didnt feel very good after leaving. I thought what I have going on with the different sizes seemed fairly simple to fix, he just didn't seem very confident about helping me and told me to wait at least 3 more months........which I figured but said that maybe I should have a consult with some other good surgeons he works with which I found interesting and a bit shocking I guess. I also went and got a chest x ray to see if there was anything that we could see because I can feel something moving when I take a deep breath or move a certain way. Nothing. So I don't know........feeling a little more down. I guess I was hoping my doc would say......yeah thats an easy fix like all the doctors that have responded to me on real self.

Looking for docs

Im in the process of researching doctors. I want to find someone that can help me with my breast scar issue. As you can see in my pics the scar on the left breast is like puckered in and flat causing there to be no tissue on the bottom where the scar is. Has anyone ever heard anything about Richard Baxter in seattle. I wrote an email to my ps office a week ago and never got a response........so I'm thinking their not interested in helping me......real nice after spending a fortune with them. Anyway I don't think my breasts are going to change for the better and I don't see the scar loosening up and allowing the tissue to fall into place:( Im doing ok, but i know that one day I want this fixed!

working out???

Has anyone found that working out your chest helps shape and plump up that area? Im hoping if I do that maybe adding some muscle there will help me not look so bony and gangly! I don't have like any boobs left which is what it is right now.......but I hate that the upper pole area looks kinda sunken in. Im hoping if I get muscle there that it would help that issue. Anywho........just thought id throw that out there???????? :)


Well my ps finally got back to me and said he'd fix my right breast fold to match better to the left free of charge, just have to pay for sedation...........Im exited but nervous too. I also have so many questions for him I guess......like can the left scar be released???? Should I wait to have all the scars revised or settle for him just matching the right hand side and then give it time and decide down the road what to do if I need to revise that scar or get small implants or just be........

2 months and 5 days

Hey there ladies! Im doing an update on my 2 months and five days mark. Well as you all have followed.........its been a doozy to say the least! But Id just like to say that the last couple of weeks I have been a little better! Ive stayed super busy and have tried not to focus so much on my boobs.....not always so easy, but I'm making more of an effort to not obsess as much as possible...lol! I have started back up in training and trying to get in really good shape and get my mind right! My bf and I are in therapy which is good so far and I stopped taking my antidepressants due to bad side affects. Im really trying to change my attitude to be more on the positive boat! Its been hard because my ex is satan and now decided to send my boys back today from Hawaii and is being difficult, but Im a mom and I gotta do whats best for them. Its been a nice break, was hoping it would last a little longer to continue to work on me, but its ok......got roll with the punches! Just got to stay focused and not let myself get overwhelmed. I may get my right breast fixed to match the left......but I'm giving a couple more months to decide anything and work out my chest in hopes to get a nicer shape! Anyway I know a lot of you have followed my journey through hell and back and id like to thank you for all of your support! I couldn't get through this without all of you. Its not great yet.......but feeling a little more on the happy side:) xoxo

Saw my ps

Well its been almost three months on the 18th this month. Im doing well. I have started to work out which is helping and found some good sports bras by danskin that have some passing which is helpful to give me a bit of shape. My spirits are much better lately. I sure have been through the ringer but still hanging on. I have many moments when I hate my boobs like trying to find a darn bra that fits and is comfortable! But I don't let myself get to bent out of shape. Im trying to be positive. Im still very envious of women with nice normal boobs! But I'm trying to hang on to hope that maybe one day the'll grow a little or plump up....lol. I saw my ps yesterday and he said he'd fix the right breast thats larger and pull the nipple down a bit and take some skin out, but he said because my body isn't symmetric that it could tend to stretch back up? And he said he would cut open the left scar where its pinched in and release it. Im exited that maybe there's hope that things could be evened out a bit but also worried that it won't turn out good. I don't expect perfection obviously I'm way past that point now. But I'm still worried about the outcome. He seemed confident yet uncertain so its leaving me feeling a little nervous. Im waiting until the end of april because I just started working out with my trainer and I'm sick of recovering from surgery:( If only he could have done this when I explanted.....ugh....I could have been past all of this by now, but it is what it is I guess. I don't want to have to go through recovery and the stress of having a minnie surgery, but at the same time if I don't fix it...it will always bother me. Im really not wanting to take another antibiotic.........I wish there was a way to get around that part!!!!! Ill post some pictures soon:) P.S. God has blessed me by granting me the wish of getting rid of that super uncomfortable feeling for the most part......sometimes its there a little, but I've been messaging and using scar strips so who knows. Now I just need any weight I gain to stop going to my stomach and migrate upward to the girls!!!

feeling a little down

So tonight we went out with my sister whom I haven't seen since my explant. Love her to death but of course she has big implants that she always has hanging out. It was a little hard to sit there and stare at her giant boobs at dinner:( I wish mine were changing and looking better but their pretty much tiny and the same. Its hard to wear bras because they just aren't comfortable and I have no upper pole so I just feel they look weird under my clothes. Part of me wants to just run out and put in small implants because I just feel like I'm missing my femininity. Overall I'm doing very good everyday. But there are just those times when you compare yourself to others especially when there just out there in your face! Sigh:( If only I could just grow a little bit more tissue in the boobies.....ugh! Sorry just needed to get this off of my flat chest! xo


Hi ya'll:) Well the last couple weeks I've been feeling occasionally like i want to get small implants, but then I tell myself.......i feel physically better, I finally feel more sane and less bipolar...for reals though and I like being small, buuuuuuuuuuuuuut.....................I just wish I had a bit more in my breasts to fill them up.........I can't really gain weight in them either because it tends to go to the waistline:( But over the weekend I went on vacation with my bf to sedona and I wanted to be all romantic, but I can't really wear lingerie and I just feel self conscious. I wish they were just less empty saggy feeling to me. Im supposed to get the right one fixed in april to match the left a bit more,, but occasionally I have panicky thoughts of........should I put a small implant bk in? I don't want to have implants because there so scary now, but i miss wearing things and wish I didn't feel so self conscious in things. I am just a little over 3 months...........I am praying things maybe might still fluff but I am thinking that this is probably just wishful thinking. I wish sI just felt normal and attractive. I saw a girl in a store in sedona and she had her pretty tan breasts exposed in her low cut tank top and I felt so inadequate and uncomfortable with my bf. It sucked. I mean overall life is good and I'm happy, but these moments suck when I feel unhopeful that ill ever really feel good about myself. I just wish I could turn bk time.......but I don't have a magic wand.....lol. Do any of you think breasts continue to grow after explant? I just felt like I had to ask:)

A week shy of 4 months

Hi there ladies. Well its been almost 4 months now....crazy. I don't think theres a lot of changes happening anymore. I think this is pretty much how their gonna be maybe. I wish they were a little more even in shape so I didn't have to go under the knife again!!!! Im so scared of things going wrong. Im planning on having a wedge taken out on the larger breast to try to even them out and have a bit of scar revision where the scar is pinched in on the other side. I wish I could get fat transfer as I've been researching it, but my ps says its just not worth it:( I feel like if I just had a bit more fat in my breasts they'd be great. But I guess this is as good as its gonna get in less for some reason there is a devine miracle where they grow more or shape up. Other than that everything is going ok. Im working out a few times a week. My left breast hurts sometimes when doing chest because I think the scar is so tight. Thats the side that has the pinched in scar. I work through it though to try to stretch the scar out to loosen it up. I wear scar strips as much as possible. its definitely helping my scars stay small and flat. I also like that it helps hold my right breast up which is the bigger one that still bothers me a bit. So that is about it. Right now I am wanting to have the last surgery but, also wanting to put it off and continue working out. It will be a bummer to have to quit upper body for 6 weeks. So I'm still thinking of what I want to do with that. Physically and emotionally I'm definitely doing better than in the beginning so I'm thankful for that. I still have boob envy and have my sad moments but its a conscious effort to not let it take me over. I hope all of you going through this journey are doing well. Lots of love xoxoxoxoxoxo

Feeling anxious and down

Hi ladies.......soooooo today I'm feeling a bit down in the dumps about boobs:( I went to my sons school carnival which was great.....but of course all I see is boobs and more boobs in tank tops hanging out!!!! ugh:( I feel really insecure out in public sometimes with my bf because of this. It sucks.....I wanna not care! Also I'm feeling a bit obsessive about my nose surgery that didn't go well a year ago and have been thinking about nostril reshaping. It sucks to always feel so yucky! I wish I like my body more. I mean I know it could be worse and I'm thankful for all of my blessings but I'm just feeling really insecure lately. I think I'm getting a little restless because I have a month left before my revision surgery and its eating at me.......wondering if the outcome is going to be good or bad......eeeek! I really just want things to turn out suttle and great! I wish I was on the other side of this already! I just want it to be done. Sorry......just felt like laying it out there today......hope you all are well xoxo

Has anyone had surgery and not taken an antibiotic?

I have my scar revision at the end of this month, and my biggest concern right now is having to take yet another antibiotic! They are so bad for your body and I am on a path to healing myself. I have gone vegan for the last 3 weeks and I am trying to heal my body from all the past damage. I have always been pretty healthy....well for about the last 8 years I have changed my diet to more of a healthy one. But I am taking it to a new level now. I have taken many antibiotics for the 8 years with all the darn surgeries Ive had and I know its done damage to my immune health. I am only going under local this time I believe and I am not having a major operation so my question is.........is it imperative to have to take antibiotics if I take other healthy precautions?? Any thoughts would be great! I take probiotics daily as well. xoxo

Lymphatic massage

Today I went to a lymphatic drainage massage facility. It was amazing!!!! It is for healing before and after surgery. It is supposed to help your body heal faster. I even got my breasts.....well whats left of them massaged!!! It was kind of weird at first but it was so relaxing it was amazing!!!! It sucks that I don't have much feeling left in them.......thats been weighing heavy on my mind!!! :( I really wish the feeling would come back so I could feel more normal and human.......but I'm sure its a long shot. But anyway I would definitely advise you all that are having surgery to try this out if its available. Anesthesia disrupts your lymphatic system, so if you can find someone who does this it can help your body heal and be healthy:) xoxo

Tomorrow is revision day!

Tomorrow is the big revision day. I wasn't feeling to nervous, until they called me and rescheduled my surgery time today at the last second. I don't go in until 1:30 in the afternoon! Ugh......im going to be starving and thirsty. Ive never had such a later surgery. Im just really trying to keep a positive attitude though that this is going to be a great surgery this time giving me the results that I am looking for. Hoping its an easy recovery! Fingers crossed!

Day 2 of scar and breast revision

Well today is day 2 of my scar and breast revision and as I sit here writing this i am dealing with a huge amount of nausea!!!!! ugh!!! I even tried to make myself throw up earlier but couldn't. I was fine today but I had lunch and then had a half a vicodin and an hour later I got serious nausea! Ive been sitting here eating white rice and ginger but its not helping much. I hope this passes soon. Im in a good amount of pain and I got no sleep last night because I was coming off of anesthesia and I was taking the vicodin. They had me all wrapped up but the doc said I could change into a sports bra after 24 hrs or so. So I have changed because the wrap was rubbing and hurting to much. Its hard to get comfortable right now. I think I wasn't expecting to be in as much pain as I'm in. So obviously I had a peak even though I was terrified to see what they look like as of now. They look a little crazy but I'm trying to remind myself that its going to take time to heal and allow for the changed to take place. My right breast that was bigger is pinned in underneath so it looks a little weird. But I'm hoping once the tape is off and it heals that it will take more of a natural shape. And the left one has tape on it as well so its hard to tell what it will look like. Thats the one that was pinched in underneath, so hopefully now it will have a normal rounded shape at the bottom after all is said and done. My right breast still looks a lot bigger but I think there is a lot of swelling due to the fact that there was a lot more work on that side. So here is a picture of the beginning of yet another round and hopefully the last of me healing! Fingers crossed that they end up looking decent!!!!!! xo

If only I hadn't made so many poor decisions

Today I'm feeling very down:( The worst part of all of this isn't being flat chested.........its having lost most of all of the feeling in my breasts!!! Now the only feeling I have in my nipples is pain. When they are touched they feel slightly numb with a kind of heightened soreness to them. Its really killed my sex drive and confidence. I just feel like i got out of control over the years trying to fix my stupid implant not knowing about explant. And I wasnt a big internet person then as I am now researching everything. I didn't have the recourses like this site back then. So anyway.........im feeling a lot of regret about all the surgeries and how it ruined my breasts! I would be so happy if I just had normal feeling in them. I feel like I have no breasts and I don't feel complete. I wish it didn't bother me so much but its really eating me up. It makes me feel like I should be single and not have a partner because all of this has ruined the intimacy. When my bf and I had first met we were so crazy about each other and I felt beautiful around him......but after getting pregnant unexpectedly and then my implants getting ruined because of that.......which led to my last BA and lift........it destroyed me. Now most of the feeling has been lost in my breasts and I feel like ill never feel like a complete woman and I won't ever feel beautiful around my bf again:( its a devastating feeling.......its like a big piece of me died and I'm in serious mourning........sigh..........if only I had a magic wand right!

day 5 after surgery

Well the steri strips fell off today which is pretty early.......hopefully that won't affect the healing. Im posting up picks.........after seeing the results it swung me back in to panic mode so I had to pop a valume. I love the left breast, thats the one that had the pinched in scar that he released. But the right side looks terrible. I feel he really took way to much skin out and the scar goes straight across giving it an un natural shape. WTH! Id like the right breast to have a nice rounded shape at the bottom like the left.........and theres a few pinched in spots soooooooo now I'm going......great we got rid of the pinched in left boob and now added it to the right! Has anyone had this issue and its softened up and rounded out??????? I told my bf today that maybe it would be best if I left for awhile while I'm going through this all over again. Its so sad to look back at how great things were and now I've ruined it all with bad surgery:( I just feel damaged and i hate to be so negative because i have been trying so hard for months now to be the beaken of happiness health and positivity around my family.........but this just crushed my faith all over again. I can't even go out in public because I just obsess on the fact that all these women around me have normal breasts......I just can't believe my life had taken such and insane course. I want to be positive and happy..........but no matter how hard i try to stuff all this away..........i can't:( Please pray for me xoxo thanks for listening to my pity party:)

11 weeks

Hi everyone:) Well I believe its been about 11 weeks since my scar revision surgery after explanting. I am doing ok.........the results didn't last very long. Their a little better looking I guess but not much different. The right breast that was tucked up didn't stay up and kinda stretched back down. And the left side that was pinched in is still pinched in. Maybe not quite as bad as before but didn't 100% fix the problem. I am dealing with it though and really just trying not to look at them as much as possible. Unfortunately I found out that I have EBV epstien bar virus. I guess most people come in contact with it at some point in their lives, but for some it stays dormant. Its a reactivated mono, which I never knew I had it before!!!! It totally sucks.........now I know why I am sooooooo tired all the time!!!! It gives you chronic fatigue. It breaks down your immune and can give you depression which is why Ive probably had so many ups and downs. So I am working on recovering myself which is hard when your just not motivated due to no energy. But I'm trying to focus on my family and keeping busy with things. I bought two puppies to surprise my boys with as they've been in Hawaii with their dad for the summer and will be home in a week. And I got engaged on friday.... :) So its been busy around here to say the least. I have had a few moments of anxiety about my boobs and seriously thought about getting small implants put back in but then I come on here and read all the stories and it just scares me to think about the future with implants and the unexpected that could happen!!! I would suck to have gone though all of this just to put them back in to go though even worse.......so I'm focusing more about the important things in life like my kids and boyfriend and family and God. The world is in a scary state if you keep up with the world and whats happening and I just want to enjoy my family while I can. And hopefully my EBV will go dormant someday soon!!!!!! I hope you all are well and feeling great after explant!!!!! Lots of love xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

feeling down

Well I'm still fighting the battle:( One day I'm feeling ok and then bam outta nowhere all the sudden I'm feeling like I need small implants! I wish I had more boob in the upper pole. I feel like I have loose little shriveled boobs. I can't fill any bras really and they ride up due to no weight holding them down....ugh. Im trying to stay positive......but I wish I felt confident! I wish there was a lazor that could tighten up the skin and cause some collagen growth! I feel like my breasts are so darn low on my chest because the upper pole is missing! I hated the feeling of my implant rubbing on my rib but I miss having some type of normal looking boobs.......ahh....sigh. Well ne way I just felt like getting it out today.......one day at a time I guess! Congrats to all the women on here feeling good!!!!! xo

Need help:)

I need help ladies with any great bra ideas............I have not been professionally sized.....not sure where to go?? And to be quite honest..........Im terrified to do it because I feel like Ill be really embarrassed or something! I have tiny low riding itty bitties...........I can't find bras that are comfortable and look that great or don't flap open at the top...........sigh...........not sure if I'm just out of luck and theres just nothing that will work for me now????? :(

am I the only one?

So lately I have been feeling that uncomfortable feeling in or under my right breast or rib! I can feel while laying on my stomach or stretching, something move ...........almost like theres a small bone that moves out of place???? Ugh.........no one else on the planet that I can find knows what the hell I'm talking about or has felt this. I have like no boobs, but what is t left of the right side "larger one" I just have this feeling of wanting to lift it up off of the rib bone! when I had implants I thought it was just the implant moving around......but its something in there. I am not sure if any of you know where I should go to get an x ray or something? I guess I can call my surgeon and ask if he could refer me, but I just thought id ask your thoughts as well:) Has anyone on here ever had this uncomfortable issue??? I wish I was one of the happy campers on here that was just so ecstatic about there explant and feeling so much better but honestly I'm still not happy and the feeling driving me crazy never lets me forget about how messed up and uneven they are. Ive been thinking of re implanting again the last few days like crazy! I wish it was a happy ending and I was so exited about my new body but since my explant I've become very depressed, and yes I'm going to see my councilor tomorrow thank God.....she's been hard to get in to. And any meds I try just don't mesh with me.......soooooo yeah....ive been weighing the risks of more surgeries vs staying this way forever and feeling like something is missing.........sigh........I know.......its a mess inside my thoughts over this! I feel terribly selfish and envious which sucks......if only I could just snap out of this thought process! Well anyway there you have it...........

Needing prayers please xo

Well tomorrow I am going to my surgeon about trying to figure out what is in my rib or boob or what???? Something is not right................no there woman on the planet seems to have this issue and it sucks because I feel completely alone in this misery. I just want to feel comfortable in my body!!! Everyone that explants seems to feel so much better physically for the most part on here and I'm just not in that category! Its very discouraging and I feel just hopeless and beaten down. Im going to look into a specialist also for the mental part that specializes in BDD but I need major help with whatever is happening in my body! I just want the whole dam rib removed.........sigh. the only time I don't feel uncomfortable is when I'm lying down and theres no pressure on the rib:( I just want God to guide me to someone or somewhere that can help me! Please pray for me ladies if you feel compelled! Thanks for letting me have a place to let it all out! I pray that one day I'm comfortable and happy in this body of mine! xoxo

feeling defeat!

Well went to the surgeon today.......he thinks its probably scar tissue........I have no idea what it is because it feels like a bone moving to me? He basically offered me no help........feeling bummed right now........wish I had a magic wond to make this uncomfortableness go away! I don't know......maybe I'm just supposed to deal with this for the rest of my life........sucks big time!

not loving things

I don't know why but i decided to take a picture with the camera facing me instead of in the mirror, and it just sucks:( Things look so much worse from that angle and really show how uneven things are! I shouldn't have even taken the picture. It just makes me lean towards getting implants put in! How the heck am I so uneven especially since I had surgery like 4 months ago to even them out. Its like it just didn't even work at all! I wish my boobs were just even! I think I need a few more opinions about this situation!


Does anyone have any suggestions for an amazing skin firming lotion for breasts?? Or treatments?? I feel like the skin is getting saggier or something.....looser maybe....I guess thats just what ya get after 3 kiddos. I don't understand why the body doesn't just go....."hey boobs are empty....lets distribute some fat there!".....lol.......not fair! Anyway I haven't been massaging or anything , not sure I believe that would do much. Id love to have fat transfer but I don't have enough and if I gained weight just to have it done.....well once I lost some weight I'm sure it would come from the boobs because as we all know thats usually the first place it goes from! any who......any miracle creams you beautiful ladies know of???? :)~ wishful thinking.....

implants make you sick

Found a good site today by chance on my epstein barr virus group..... healingbreatimplantillness.com
Its got a lot of info about how and why implants make women sick and a whole slew of symptoms! Thought this could help someone out thinking of explanting! I also need this to sober me up everyday when thinking of re implanting:(

Do implants really make you sick

I don't know what to believe? I hear on this site that so many women on this think that their implants are making them sick, I see articles on it, but then there are some that think its just not true??? I have epstein barr virus.......it causes so many of the symptoms that women on here experience. 95% of the population has the virus in them or will come into contact with it at some point in their lives. But for most the virus stays dormant. Could the implants suppress the immune system more making women with auto immune diseases more prone to these symptoms? Why do some argue that they are completely safe?? Why do some women feel they became sick soon after getting implants? I would love to hear more opinions on this topic? Please feel free to give me your thoughts on this or experiences! xo

Looking for a fat transfer doc with lots of experience!

Does anyone know of a really great PS that has lots of experience in breast fat transfer?? Ive been considering having small implants put in lately.....but there's that terrifying thought that what if something goes wrong in the future, what if I get sick or have a rupture or cc even though I never did before. I love feeling more natural but I want to add just a little umpfffff to my itty bit ties. I am hoping a bit of fat could help my puckered scar!!! I also had an ultrasound that confirmed that my uncomfortable right breast has scar tissue and a protruding rib....probably causing the discomfort! So I am also researching having my rib shaved down if safe and possible??? The surgeon I saw recently told me that just doing fat transfer to the breast was not a great option because the fat would migrate downward and thats where all my tissue I have left is already and would just accentuate my flat upper pole area? Hmmmmm, any thoughts ladies?? Im not looking for a huge difference in size, just enough to look more normal and even on the crease lines! I am also relatively thin but do have a little fat on my outer thighs and maybe a bit on the tummy area, hopefully that would be enough! I saw Dr Pablo Prichard in scottsdale, supposedly he's a great surgeon and does many reconstruction type surgeries but he is very highly priced!!!!! So if anyone has any thoughts I would love to hear them! Thanks xoxo
Name not provided

multiple surgeons

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