Unfortunately I was in a bad place and not feeling...
11 Jun 2014
3 months post
Unfortunately I was in a bad place and not feeling good about my body and made the impulsive decision to get breast implants. I literally scheduled the surgery for two weeks after my consultation just so that I would not have the chance to cancel the surgery. I thought somehow that by having breast implants I would fix my self esteem. I thought that men would be more attracted to me, I thought I would feel sexier and better about myself. If anything... I have become more self conscious than I was before. Now when I wear clothes, I am top heavy. It looks like I gained weight. They are bigger than what I asked for, and I try to hide them or not stand too straight because when I stand straight they appear more round and fake. It has been almost three months now and they still look and feel fake to me. They have not dropped very much... I think long term I could tolerate the look of them... but they just don't feel normal. They don't feel normal to the touch, they don't feel normal when I move around. I have flex distortion as well. It's already bad but if it gets any worse I'll really be grossed out. My boobs were tiny before yeah... and I had people tease me about them (part of the reason I got implants). Ironically the people who teased me about them were women and not men. Men never complained about my boobs. Now I realize that they fit my body a lot better before than they do now.
I'm super scared of the emotional roller coaster I'm going to go through getting them removed. I'm scared of having to wear compression garments during the summer and look flat chested. I'm scared I'm making the wrong decision removing them, but I'm scared to keep them too!
What if I'm not in a good place financially ten years down the road and can't afford to have them removed and replaced? What if they leak silicone and damage my body without me being aware of it? What if I want to have children and can't breastfeed?
I spent so much on breast implants when realistically I could have taken a vacation anywhere in the world practically for that amount of money! I didn't need big boobs... I don't even like lots of attention... I don't know why I did this too myself.
4 More Days Until my Consultation!
12 Jun 2014
3 months post
My consultation for explant is coming up on Monday! I'm nervous for it. I'm nervous because I don't know my dr well enough to know what he's going to say to me... I only spent about 15 minutes with him during the first consult. Wish I would have taken my time and shopped around and talked to different surgeons before proceeding with surgery. Maybe I somehow would have changed my mind instead of rushing into it!
I have to start reminding myself that even if I look okay in clothes... even though I might enjoy these things for a few years... down the road they are just going to become a hassle and I'm better to have them removed sooner than later so that the skin has a good chance of stretching back.
I think I'm going to give myself until some time in July to get the surgery.
A little part of me in the back of my mind is trying to keep them and justify all the money spent.. but I have to just get over that and accept my body for what it is.
I wonder if the implants had less projection and were a little flatter and closer together if I would have been happy with surgery. Maybe I would have... but I am not willing to undergo an entire surgery to correct something like that and risk the chance that it doesn't end up well. Scary!
I think the worst part of all of this is not being able to talk to family and friends about it. I know they will be judgemental and none of this will make sense to them. Oh well this is my decision. I made my bed and I get to lie in it!
On the fence.
12 Jun 2014
3 months post
Talked to a couple people today about boobs. I can't decide if I want revision surgery or explant :(
13 Jun 2014
3 months post
Today has me really confused! I think I might be starting to accept them/like them. In my head I keep thinking if there's no serious complications.. then maybe I'm being crazy to want to remove them. I'm still going to ask about a revision surgery.. But to be quite honest I would be scared of putting myself through a second surgery :( And what if a second surgery complicated things more? I don't know how I'm going to feel by Monday... I hope I have everything decided on in my head before I talk to the Dr so that I don't seem confused!
I've made my decision :)
15 Jun 2014
3 months post
I've decided that I'm going to go ahead and have my implants removed as soon as possible. I do not want to give my boobs any more time to stretch out, I want the best chance of them going back to normal and I'm fairly comfortable and certain about my decision.
I'm so blessed to have been given the body that I have. After this whole ordeal, I am no longer going to see myself as a flawed person. We all have our imperfections and that's what makes us unique and beautiful..... Just my thoughts for the night. Will update tmrw :) Thank you ladies for your support on this forum.
Night before consult with Surgeon.
15 Jun 2014
3 months post
Tmrw afternoon is my appointment to see my surgeon. I know I should be making a list of what I'm going to say to him and what questions I'm going to ask, but I'm not looking forward to it...
I honestly feel exhausted thinking about my breasts and looking at things from every perspective. I almost want it to be straight forward going in there, scheduling explant and getting it done and over with so I can forget about it accept my decision and move on.
I just hope my surgeon can accept some responsibility for my results not being the look that I had originally asked for... I'm tired of thinking about all of this and I don't want to go in there and have to fight to explain things. It's kind of embarrassing too to sit there with your boobs hanging out and tell some guy you barely know and don't feel comfortable with that he did a bad job on them. I kind of wish I had someone to come with me... a part of me just wants the support of someone being there beside me even if they don't say anything.
I guess I'm just feeling a bit worn down.
On a positive note... I am realizing just how much I veered from my true nature.. and just how much I was losing sight of the things that are important in life. Yes... we all want to feel beautiful as women and that is our right... but it starts with inner beauty first....
I've been pretty stubborn so far about therapy.... It hasn't been something I've thought would benefit me... but who knows. I may look into it.
Leaving for consultation in 15 minutes...
16 Jun 2014
3 months post
I'm really nervous.... I keep looking in the mirror and thinking 'maybe my boobs look okay, maybe this is all in my head?'. I know I'm going to go in there feeling confused which is the opposite of what I wanted.
I woke up this morning with this tight feeling in my chest. It was so uncomfortable. I have to stop second guessing myself. I want them out. I do not want repeat surgeries for something cosmetic. There is no such thing as 'perfect boobs'. There is no such thing as a 'perfect body'. This is just something that we construct in our minds so we have something to strive towards, something to obsess about. Everybody's version of 'perfect' is different... It's unhealthy to focus so much on appearances.
Anyways... off to the consult. I don't want to start crying when I'm in there so I took a mild anti-anxiety pill. May still cry.... god I pray I won't!! Sad I did this to myself. Can't wait to put it in the past.
16 Jun 2014
3 months post
Finally done and over with! Teared up a bit but held back from full out crying! Cried a bit on the car ride home though. This is hard to deal with emotionally. It's really hard to not think about it but I know if I obsess over it my mind is just going to go in circles and that's not a healthy thing. Can't help but look at my boobs in clothes and wonder if I'm making the wrong decision... could I actually miss these new boobs? Then I put those thoughts right back in the back of my mind and remember why I wanted them out in the first place. The surgery is not going to cost anything, I think removal is covered by health care thank god for that.
I wanted to do the removal under local anaesthesia because I'm scared of going under general anaesthesia again so soon... but the surgeon said it would be best to do it under general anaesthesia so that he can close the pockets and do some internal stitching. He was nice about it and very straightforward. I'm glad he was kind about it and not judgemental, where I'm at right now I don't think I could have handled being judged. I just don't have it in me to fight back right now.
I called and left a message for a therapist. I hope she's a good fit and I can get in to see her soon. I've been really stressed out I need to do some healing emotionally first before this next surgery.
I'm booked for July 24th but they've put me on a cancellation list in case something comes up sooner. When I was in the consultation the Dr said I might have to wait until September to get them removed so thankfully that didn't end up being the case! The less I get attached to them the better.
17 Jun 2014
3 months post
Sooo I was thinking today and kicking myself over what I could have done with $6700 if I just wanted to blow it.... I've always had this escapist dream where I move somewhere overseas and have a little adventure while I'm still young. I could have done that with $6700. Or maybe upgraded my car to something nicer! Oh well.
The thing I miss about my small boobs is being able to play them up in a padded bra if I want to look sexy, or downplay them in a regular bra for day to day stuff. Now with these big boobs there's only one option: a tight sports bra. Pretty boring. My butt looks even tinier if I wear anything slightly padded!
I'm a little on the chubbier side lately. I guess the plus side of my big boobs is that they make my waist look skinnier so I don't necessarily look as chubby as I would with the small boobs... but once again, my extra padded bras resolved that issue too!
I just want to do some frickin yoga or something. I could probably do it with implants but haven't attempted it yet.... it kind of irks me my boobs would feel super tight like they feel when I stretch my arm up. After I'm healed up from the removal I think I'm going to do a bunch of yoga and tone right up.
Am I going crazy??
18 Jun 2014
3 months post
I took some more pictures today... I'm wondering if I'm going crazy by spending this much money for something and then having them removed before I get a chance to see the final result. What if I learn to like them?? What if I'd be depressed either way with or without them? What if all this is just in my head and I'm not thinking logically or clearly? UGh. I took some more pictures today to see if there's been any changes.
Maybe I could get used to them? Are they that ugly after all? Are they still too big? Should I downsize? Would that solve a single thing or would I be worse off?
Fml. I can't stand being indecisive. This is my personality. Take me to a restaurant and I'll be the last one to order because everything looks so good that I just can't decide what I want. Story of my life.
18 Jun 2014
3 months post
Thought I'd post this quick pic about how they looked in clothes before implants... which was absolutely fine and proportional... not wearing a pushup bra just a regular padded bra.
18 Jun 2014
3 months post
Went for a jog today and it was hard to keep up with the group! Back was feeling sore and I could feel fluid inside implants sloshing around. Very weird feeling. Did yoga afterwards. Neck and back pain as well as a radiating pain down my arm. All the girls were fit and athletic with regular, normal boobs. Most of them were flat! And some of them were really flat but their bodies looked great and fit. Not convinced just yet that keeping them is the best idea.
My thought for tonight....
19 Jun 2014
3 months post
Once these things are out f me and I'm recovered I'm gonna hit the gym hard and work on having the best ass and legs that I can! They will be so good that having little boobs isn't even gonna matter! Wish my explant was scheduled for tmrw so I could put it all behind me but one more month to go!
28 Jun 2014
3 months post
So I've spent some time off the site but I thought I'd come back to do an update. I'm really scared to go through with the explant surgery.... I think I'm going to delay it. My breasts have stretched out a lot... I have stretch marks and I don't really think I have the best skin elasticity in the first place which worries me because I don't feel like I'll snap back to normal.
On a positive note... Fearing the explant surgery has gotten me to slowly accept my breast implants for what they are.
If I could go back I definitely would not have gotten them...
I can tell you that they have not changed my life for the better, nor have they opened up any new opportunities for me. They have not improved my self esteem or made me feel better about myself or my physical appearance.
They are just boobs. That's it. They are heavy boobs that get a few extra glances in tight clothing. Nothing special.
I think if I meet someone and decide to have kids down the road (hopefully!) then I will make the decision to have them ex planted prior to breast feeding.
I can only pray that until that time I do not get any complications from them... But I guess in my head as long as I feel like they're not in my body forever and I will be out in the future... Then I can live with them for now. Maybe things will change... I don't know at this point.
I do not love them by any means... But I do not hate them either. Just wish I hadn't done this.
Cancelled my surgery
Just thought I'd post a quick update! I cancelled my surgery and I have decided to keep the implants. I'm beginning to get more comfortable with them. As time has gone by they are starting to look better. One thing that bothered me was how tight they were when I pushed them together. It seems like now the chest muscles have stretched out a bit and allowed them to move a little more freely.
The gap is still there, but they look more natural and some natural big breasted women have gaps in their chests too. I still feel the implants there and I realize they're never gonna compare to real boobs but oh well I will take them as they are and be grateful!
Thank you to all the ladies who have been supportive on here!
I will keep posting progress maybe they will continue to look better in the months to follow.
Boobs are uneven not sure what to do
Well, now that I've decided to keep my boobs, I've taken another picture in better lighting and realized that they are really not even on both sides and the gap is still there. The right breast is fine, but the pocket of the left breast is more laterally dissected (as in the pocket was not made as wide as the pocket of the right breast). I noticed this difference right after surgery but I was going to wait in see what happened and wasn't focusing on the assymettry while I thought I was going to explant. I seriously would hate to go through another surgery... but I wonder what I should do. If he will do the surgery on just the left breast then opens up the pocket a bit and closes the gap a little bit maybe it will be worth it if I'm deciding to keep these things long term? Not sure at this point. I guess I will have to look into reviews for revision surgeries and see what other peoples experiences are. I made a line on picture to kind of show what I mean by how the left boob is positioned differently.
Well I haven't been on here for awhile... Haven't really had much to say. Been missing my old boobs all day today!
I really get annoyed sleeping with breast implants. If I wear a sports bra to bed it's okay, but if I don't wear a bra then I wake up and they feel weird and 'stiff' I really don't know how to describe it properly but I don't like the way they don't flatten out like real boobs I guess that's what I mean. I wake up and they're just there two mounds that don't flatten out and jiggle around like normal boobs. They don't really feel 'real' at all to me. I've been having body image problems lately... Not just the boobs but the whole body...So I guess it's not the best time to start wondering if I want to remove my breast implants or not, I think it will just drive me crazy. In my mind it's not a matter of whether or not I'll remove them, it's just a matter of when I'll remove them. Maybe if I remove them five years down the road then at least I'll have got some of my money's worth! I know it's only a little over four months since I've had them but my old boobs are definitely not the same and never will be. I have stretch marks, I don't have good skin elasticity, the scars are still super noticeable not fading a lot.
I know if I get them removed they're not going back to the way they were what's done is done. I hope I'll have met a great guy within my five year time frame and he can be there to support me through explant. It's hard to go through surgery without a proper support system. Can't do it again so soon. I know some are strong enough to but not this girl! On the plus side, I think I'll know instinctively when the right time to remove them will be. Frick though just thinking about the process of going through it makes me feel anxious. So I'm going to push those thoughts to the back of my mind and go on with life and save it for another time. I have to change around my thinking lately. I don't know why but lately I've been preoccupied thinking about things I can't change about myself and my body... It's really not healthy it makes sad! I feel like I need some attention. I really shouldn't need it to feel better about myself, I just feel like I need it. A guy who's known me for a long time who I was intimate with said 'you didn't even need breast implants I don't know why you got them'. That stung a bit. Oh well I did get them and that is that. I remember a couple years ago I saw this same guy and mentioned breast implants casually and he certainly didn't say back then 'you don't need them' . Oh well. Lesson learnt. Who knows maybe I'll remove them sooner then five years.
On a side note, in more 'secure' times, when I was 23 a girl I worked with said she was getting breast implants. I thought she was crazy for getting a boob job... And I let other people know that. I guess this is what karma feels like.
God why couldn't I have just had slightly bigger natural boobs in the first place?? There I go again with the 'wishful' thinking. Ugh. Enough for today I'm gonna make some tea and go to bed!
16 months after breast implants!
Well it's been 16 months now of having breast implants and I decided to stick with it instead of making a second drastic decision to have them removed. The reason I decided to revisit this and do an update is because I had a bit of a moment of insecurity last night where I was second guessing my decision to get breast implants!
I will say though that nowadays it is an odd occurrence when this happens in my day to day life since I have gotten so used to them!
As soon as I got on the site I re read some replies and comments that people left and it made me feel better :) I'm happy there's so many positive and supportive people out there!
I'm realizing that whenever these insecurities start popping up it's deeper and more complicated than just not liking a physical attribute. It's usually because I've been struggling with recent male rejection combined with too much time on my hands to think!
Anyways, aside from all that now that I'm feeling a bit better I thought I'd comment on some things I didn't foresee happening with breast implants that ladies wanting them might consider.
So as for sensation, I've lost some in one of my breasts near the incision area underneath as well as with the nipple. The sensation hasn't come back.
When I'm working out at the gym my nipples (either one or both) will go hard and even though I'm wearing a thin padded bra it will show through and it's a bit annoying!
The thing that bothers me the most though is that my nipples are on different schedules, since one has less sensation, one will go hard and the other one will not.
Lastly, the scars never quite did heal up and they're still pretty noticeable after 16 months. In hindsight, I would have gone with the armpit incision, but I read there were more chances of nerve damage and my surgeon recommended against it. Well loss of sensation still occurred with the incision under the breast and the scars didn't fade away completely like he suggested.
There's other weird little things like they feel cold sometimes as they're not quite the same temperature as body temperature all the time. It's a little weird! In the last few months I had a couple of intimate situations. One guy (who turned out to be a train wreck) loved them. The other guy (who I've dealt with the rejection with) didn't seem at all interested in them, maybe he didn't like them. That's okay though... I think the rejection from this guy is because it was rushed and we never got to know each other well enough first and he just wasn't all that interested in the first place. Anyways boobs aren't what make the girl anyhow! Lol.
So in the end I'll say that I'm content with my boobs and I'm okay with the decision I made to get them, and I'm happy in my life for the most part.
I haven't really gotten significantly more male attention with boobs now than I did before and that's just fine with me!
My bra size is around a 34c and when I've told people I have implants some are surprised that they're not huge and obvious. Anyways thought I'd do this quick update! That's about all I have to say for today!
More information on breast implants
So i decided to take a few pictures that highlight what makes me uncomfortable about my breast implants, with the hopes that it will help me get over my insecurities. So here we go. Picture one is of the noticeable scars that my surgeon assured me would be faded in a year. Theyre still quite noticeable, and when im getting intimate with someone, i feel the need to use coverup on them. Wish i would have gone with armpit incision!
Picture number two, how my breasts look laying flat on my back. Theres an unaturalness to them, they dont lie flat like natural breasts.
On the plus side though, met a nice guy who i have been seeing and told him about my breast implants. He said theyre beautiful and he doesnt care either way if theyre fake or not.
Just a little review...not really on implants just life in general..
So I am stuck inside my apartment with a horrible cold and too much time on my hands to think! This always seems to get me into trouble! Anyway I started to look at explant stories and pictures... And while I'm not deciding to explant at this time I thought I would make a review on body image and changes in life just as a way to vent.
I can say one thing that I've learnt is that while looks will do something for you in life and it's always positive to try and make yourself look and feel in a way that will make you feel good, they most certainly aren't everything. They're not going to get you the man of your dreams and in fact they may hinder that Dream as you will get judged by both men and women. This is a struggle for many women, I'm not stunningly gorgeous, I've been called 'pretty' but I see pretty beautiful women all over the place so it's nothing special in that manner. But maybe my outlook has been slightly skewed... As I choose to make a career change after implants where I would get more male attention than I've been used to. Nothing too racy... But a job requiring you to look pretty and be flirty. I will add that I moved to a new city after getting implants and I've been in this city for 7 months now. The problem now is that things haven't worked out the way I wanted. I had a fleeting glimpse of a potential relationship that never turned into anything and that felt like dissapointment. I got involved in a certain sort of crowd that comes with working in the bar industry and have ended up going to too many parties and overdoing it... and thus the only connections I've made here to make me feel settled are not really real ones... They're sort of just party friends... That only feel like 'sort of' real friends some of the time. To say the least though I've met a lot of interesting men... When I say interesting it's not in a positive way... Alcohol sometimes seems to bring out the bad side in people... Or at least allow to see their intentions very clearly. I've been pretty much single for four years now I think....and I can say I've really given it a good shot in this city. But nothing has stuck or felt right even though I met a couple rare super sweet guys... That just weren't the ones. Lol.
So anyways I've made the decision to leave this city and yet again start somewhere new... And now I'm in this limbo of knowing that I'm leaving in a couple months... And partially being excited... Partially being sad at the things and people I will miss... Partially feeling like I failed. Like I'm running away from my problems when I should have everything I need right here. To say the least I'm feeling scared that im making the wrong decision... While knowing I cannot allow myself to stay in this lifestyle... And I have to do something drastic to try again. So here i am again in the process of getting rid of my things and packing up to start again fresh. I feel like if I could just leave tomorrow then it would be so much easier than waiting it out but I have to save the money and let my lease run out on my apartment.
Anyway in terms of body image,I still have these issues pop up here and there, it's like I always need to be perfecting myself in some way. I gained a little bit of weight but barely a noticeable amount so I decided I needed to try lipolaser. I went to my consultation and the lady said I don't even think you really need it.. But I paid for the treatments already anyway they were on sale. As I'm looking back on my older pictures on here I don't think my weight has fluctuated all that much and my body looks healthy as opposed to what I guess I see in the mirror sometimes that compels me to want to do something. I'm sure a lot of women can relate to this feeling. Maybe just too much time on my hands. I wanted to fill my time with work and keeping busy, but my boss wouldn't give out any extra hours so I've gotten into the routine of working part time and partying and recovering the rest of the time. Not good.
Anyway... I just wanted to come on here and vent because I'm feeling sick and tired and emotional about the changes coming... But that's life... You have to keep progressing and doing what you have to do to survive! i. Hoping for the best and that there are positive changes ahead. I'm hoping it'll be an easy transition and that I'll find everything I need. I'm hoping it will be easy to meet new people. I'm hoping I will grow up and be the mature self I was a couple of years ago before I entered this phase of my life.... I hope I'll realize what value this part of my life had and what it had to teach me....I hope I'll make it. Wish me luck!
3 Years Later
So I thought I'd revisit my account and post an update on my boobs at the 3 year mark post surgery!
They've fully settled and I can say that I'm used to them and they're a part of my body now.
It's still a bit of hassle at the gym sometimes during certain exercises.
I also find myself having to work on my posture because of the extra weight.
Sometimes I will get a full achy pain in my left arm, this is something I've had since after the surgery but it rarely happens.
The scars never quite fully faded but I never notice them.
Had a brief thought about what it would be like to remove them.
Sometimes it's hard to upkeep at the gym enough to maintain balance in my figure because my lower body seems to be smaller than my upper body, but no big deal.
I had a brief thought the other day about what it might be like to remove them, then the thought went away.
Anyway, proud to have some boobs I guess!
I barely ever think of them!
Here's a post to remember lol.