The big day is tomorrow - Session 5! I am excited, but scared as it hurt so much last time....oh well, with pain eventually will come pleasure.
So I wanted to share a story, because through this darkness, there really has been so much light.
I have a brother who is older than me, we were NEVER close, the reason is because he is a drug addict, and I never got to know him, rather I only knew the user. I knew he was always a great person, has a great heart, but because of his addictions it was very hard to get close to him, he wasn't mentally there.
The ironic thing is, he was the person I turned to for comfort during the beginning of all of this. We live miles apart, in different provinces, yet he was so close. I have not spoken to him in many years, in fact the last time I saw him was over 15 years ago. I was talking with my mom on the phone, he happened to be there visiting her, and my mom asked if I wanted to say hi...of course I said yes. He got on the phone, and in his lispy crackly voice he softly asked "Hi, how are you?" It was the most comforting voice I could ever have heard, and I just broke down in tears...he was so concerned, and repeatedly asked "What's wrong, tell me...whatever it is it will be ok" At first I didn't want to tell him, I was so ashamed, yet I felt he was one person who really would understand and not pass judgement on me. I was brave and told him what had happened, and confided in him completely, I told him how ugly I felt..how stupid I was. He refused to accept my words as truth and insisted they were not true and didn't want to hear me say that. He suddenly became very wise and insightful, he became a father figure, he was so kind, smart, and compassionate. He reassured me none of my words were true. We spoke for over an hour, I think that was the most we ever really spoke to each other our entire life. My brother lived a life on the streets, and was often in jail, he is in his late 40's now and he wanted me to understand that this will pass, to pick myself up..he told me over and over again it was only a mistake, people make them. He also reminded me that I have a wonderful family and they needed me, he didn't want me to wear myself down mentally and get sick as that would be worse than the tattoo, and that regret would be stronger than this itself. He told me he carries regret with him every moment, and he can't take back anything he did, he felt he ruined his life because of his drug addiction, and missed out on family, he also told me that even through all his misary he was able to find good, and he is working on building his life back up, he is not giving up. I felft so much strength in his words, and I think of them when I am down. You know, I always worried about him, yet for some selfish reason I never took the time to contact him and see how he was, I was too wrapped up in my own little world, my perfect little world, I just wrote him off as some absent brother, a junkie, yet there he was there for me, he never turned me away. It suddenly made me realize the true value of "real" people. There are so many fake, and selfish people in this world, and I was sadly was kind of one of them...I never even knew how my own brother was, and so selfish to even reach out to him, yet he was there for me in my darkest moment. It woke me up, in fact it shook me, it was like he knew I needed him, he was never around, my mom hardly saw him (we rarely knew where he was) yet there he was. I was so happy to hear he is in recovery, and working to turn his life around, he was so insightful...so smart, it was amazing. He is doing well, and I plan on keeping in contact with him, and I am very proud to call him my brother. I hope to see him again, and so the moral of my story, as bad as this tattoo is, it has also brought me wonderful gifts.
I hope that you also see the good in all of this, and that you take comfort that you are not alone, we never are, there is always someone out there to help us, and there is always a message that we must pay attention to.
Have a wonderful weekend, I will post some updated pictures soon.