I've wanted implants since I was 16, so when I finally got the money for them at the age of 24 I was overjoyed. Finally, I wouldn't look like a teenage boy in a bikini at the pool anymore! I did a ton of research, or so I thought, and went ahead with the procedure at the end of December 2012. I had 350cc silicone implants placed under the muscle via a crease incision. From the moment I woke up from the procedure, I knew I had made a terrible mistake. I didn't understand how I could want something so much, then suddenly feel as though my life was ruined because of it. I hoped that I was only experiencing some post-surgery depression, but as time dragged on, it only got worse. Fast forward almost 4 months, and I still cry on an almost daily basis. I think, "What have I done to myself? My body is ruined, and I'm still so young." I look at women with small breasts with envy. "Surely," I lament, "they have perfect, perky breasts that are not scarred, and their boyfriends still find them sexy." (Another issue I'm having is over what I have done to my boyfriend. He loved me the way I was, and I took that all away from him. How very selfish of me.) I have still not been able to resume exercising at the level I was prior to surgery because of the pain it causes. I used to run at least 15-20 miles a week, but now, running is too painful, even with two, very supportive sports bras. I can only make it maybe 2 miles, at most, before the top of my chest starts throbbing, then the sides start to burn. I can't even sleep comfortably. In addition to the discomfort, I suddenly realized what a lifetime commitment these things are. I don't want to have to put my life on hole in the future to fix my boobs! I want my future children to have a healthy mom! I finally decided on implant removal about a month ago. Unfortunately, my PS thought I was still suffering from post-op depression and felt I would learn to like them. As a result, she refused to take them out. I had another appointment with her a week ago and she still refuses to schedule a removal date. Instead, she felt that because I was distraught over the initial procedure, I wouldn't be emotionally able to handle the initial look of my breasts post-removal and recommended I see a therapist prior to removal. While I understand that she may be trying to look out for my well-being, she is not the one that has to live with these things on a day-to-day basis. I am hoping that I will be able to convince her to schedule surgery soon as I have seen a therapist twice in order to comply with her request. Otherwise, I will find another surgeon. I am scared about the outcome, but I am trying to be positive. I know that since I am young and have only had the implants in for a few months, my results should be decent. Further, since I am young and had perky boobs beforehand I have a lot of factors weighing in my favor. I just want them out so I can begin healing and get back to my normal life. I feel so foolish for letting vanity get the best of me and going ahead with the procedure in the first place. I just hope that I will eventually be able to put this all behind me and learn to embrace myself as God intended me to be. Updated on 17 Apr 2013: Called the PS's office again this morning. I've been told a total of 4 times now that the doctor will call me back. I understand she's busy, but I shouldn't have to wait over a week for a call back. The office staff sounds as though they are getting annoyed with me, but maybe if they would just listen to me and schedule my explant date, I would leave them alone. On another note, today is my last day of grad school. It's something I've worked 25 years for, but I can't even enjoy it because once I walk out of class tonight, the only thing that will be on my mind is getting these implants removed. I could kick myself for doing this in the first place. If I hadn't been so vain, I could be enjoying life right now. Instead, I'm a shadow of my former self - these have made me so unhappy. Updated on 18 Apr 2013: Finally spoke with my doctor today. She told me to call and schedule a pre-op appointment with her at which time we'll schedule the explant date. Excited that I finally am getting somewhere. On another note, I went to a park today for a stroll and saw so many athletic looking women with small chests, and I thought they looked great. Can't wait to be one of them again! Updated on 19 Apr 2013: Tried to call to schedule an appointment today, as directed, but wouldn't you know, the woman who schedules appointments doesn't work Friday. The doctor called yesterday after the office was closed, so now I have to wait until Monday. All I ever do is wait. To make matters worse, the doctor's last day is Monday before she heads off to a conference for a couple WEEKS! Meaning, I'll have to wait at least another month for removal. If she had just listened to me in the first place I could be nearly 2 months into post-explant recovery by now. Needless to say, I'm incredibly depressed. I thought I was much closer to removal, and everyday I have these is another reminder that I've ruined my body. Honestly, I'm not sure my relationship with my boyfriend will make it through another month of this hell. Updated on 22 Apr 2013: I got a call from the doctor's office this morning, and scheduled my pre-op appointment for May 1st. I'm glad I at least have one date to look forward, but am worried it could be weeks later before I get my surgery date. (I'm not sure who I spoke to on Friday at the Dr.'s office, but she was under the impression the doctor would be out of town for a couple weeks - evidently that's not the case.) On another note, I've been experiencing a lot more pain the usual to the left of my sternum -a constant, throbbing pain. I've always had issues with this area, but I'm not sure why it's suddenly getting worse. =( I can't wait to get these awful, grotesque things out of me. I just hope I can look semi-normal. Updated on 23 Apr 2013: I was just wondering if any of you ladies that have had an explant had issues with the crease being too low post-explant? I was comparing pre-BA and post-BA pictures earlier (and crying over how good I looked before, knowing that will never be the case again), and realized that my crease was lowered for my BA. I don't know if this is something that will correct itself after explant when the skin contracts, or if it is something that will need corrected during the explant surgery itself. I'm concerned that if it's not corrected, my post-explant will look saggier than what they actually are just because my breasts sit lower. =( Just another awful realization about what the BA did to my body. I feel so ugly I won't let my boyfriend touch me - and that's now, no telling how hideous I'll feel after explant. Updated on 23 Apr 2013: I can definitely tell today is going to be a bad one, depression-wise. I don't know why, but I looked up the dictionary definition of "disfigure": "to spoil the attractiveness of". Yep, that's definitely what I feel I have done to myself. I'm disfigured, even with implants in I feel disfigured. I'm considering ending my two-year relationship with my boyfriend over all this. He has been supportive - as supportive as a man can be when dealing with a very female-sensitive issue - but I feel absolutely hideous and don't want him to see the final result of what this process has done to me (i.e., post-explant). I wish I could have accepted myself as I was, but it's too late now. I'm stuck, at the very least, with these awful scars that make me feel like Frankenstein. When I really think about it, it's so barbaric - shoving gushy sacks into our chests to run around pretending we were born with bigger boobs. I hope that post-explant I'll be able to devote a lot of energy to improving myself and accepting myself, but right now I can't see the bright side of any of this. Updated on 23 Apr 2013: Both my boyfriend and mother have been trying to convince me to keep my implants today, which has only further served to upset me. I'm not sure of my boyfriend`s motivations, but my mother claims it's because she's afraid I'll hate my explant results so much that I'll never be happy. I told her to grab two 1.5lb sand bags, strap them to her chest, and then call me in four months to let me know how daily life has been. Keeping my implants is NOT an option; even if I liked the way they looked (HATE them: so round, waaay too big and now I look top heavy) I still can't do normal activities comfortably. I don't want to be like the women on here who have had their implants for 15 years and are now explanting because they finally realized they're never getting used to them. Further, the fear of waking up one day and realizing something is wrong with the implants is stressful and I don't want to deal with that. I wish my family and friends could just accept my decision and be supportive. Updated on 29 Apr 2013: I'm adding a more recent picture. You can see that my implants have bottomed out. This worries me because I'm afraid that my surgeon won't be able to fix the lowered crease line and therefore my post-explant breasts will look saggier than whatever they really are. =( Any one else have this problem, and what happened to your crease line? Was your surgeon able to raise it? (On a side note, my surgeon told me when I first got them that I shouldn't be worried - at all - about bottoming out because my implants "weren't going anywhere.") Updated on 1 May 2013: I had another meeting with my surgeon today where I was finally able to schedule a time to be explanted. Unfortunately, that date isn't until June 4th. I can't imagine having to live with these for another month!! =*( The procedure will be done under local sedation with a valium and percocet taken before surgery. I'll have to wear a compression bra for 3 weeks, and if no fluid or swelling occurs than I'll be clear to workout and wear regular bras if I want. At the appointment, my doctor seemed irritated that I had so many questions, and didn't seem to have many answers that I thought she should have as a board certified surgeon. At this point, though, it would take a lot longer to switch surgeons, and she does seem to be talented with a scalpel. I'm just a little worried as she said she has not done many straight explants - revisions, yes, but not straight up removal. I also asked her about raising the inframammary fold and she didn't even look at my breasts (we were in a meeting room, not an exam room, so I was fully clothed) before telling me that she wasn't going to raise the fold because she "thought" that the skin would retract enough. Everyday I kick myself over and over for getting this surgery in the first place. I had great boobs, small though they were, and I have ruined them forever. It's hard to enjoy things at the moment because I'm always thinking, "Last year at this time, I was still okay and unmarred," or, "I would be so much happier right now if I had my old body." It really is true that you don't know what you have until it's gone. Updated on 2 May 2013: I tried calling a couple different surgeons for consults, but no one has any time to see me until mid-June (ridiculous!). Each day, as more and more issues pop up, I feel dumber and dumber for going through with this surgery in the first place. I could be unbelievably happy right now, enjoying the warm weather, but instead I'm suffering each and every day. I'll probably end up hating the way my boobs look afterward no matter who operates on them. I used to like to wear lingerie and cute things like that, and it's said to think that at the age of 24 I've officially ended my ability to wear those things and not look like a circus freak. I just can't believe I was that obsessed with looking good that I paid an exorbitant amount of money to have fake bags put in my chest. I guess this is karma or something. Updated on 16 May 2013: So, after much thought, I've decided to cancel my scheduled explant and find a new surgeon. I just don't feel comfortable with her - I think she may only be in this profession for the money. With the problems I'm having (bottoming out, lowered inframmary fold), I think it's best that I find someone with more experience and who will agree to fix these things rather than "wait and see", which may result in more surgery down the road (no thanks). It was a hard decision to make as I just want these awful things out of me, and it only makes this whole ordeal last longer, but I want it done right the first time. As for my boyfriend, he's been an angel. This has to be extraordinarily difficult for him, and my mood swings surely aren't a joy. We recently went to Florida with his family, and being in a swimsuit was definitely difficult for me. He did his best to make me feel better, and that's really all I can ask for at this point. Updated on 17 May 2013: I was recommended to a surgeon who practices about 2 hours away, still in my state, and after researching him thoroughly, I plan on calling Monday to schedule a consult. He specializes in breast reconstruction, which seems like a definite benefit given the fact that I feel my original PS butchered me. I hope I've finally found a surgeon and can ease my worrying a bit. Updated on 20 May 2013: I called the office of my possible new surgeon today and was surprised to find the doctor has an opening tomorrow for a consult. I guess he seemed concerned about the complications I've been having and wants to see me as soon as possible. The nurse I spoke with told me that the doctor generally spends about 3 hours - yes, HOURS - with his patients during a consult. That will definitely be a change from the 15 minutes or so I spent with my BA surgeon! The nurse also explained the process that their office goes through when sizing a BA patient (as I mentioned I thought mine were WAY too big), and that process is so much more about doing what's right for the patient and not about merely making money for the PS. I wish I would have found this doctor first and maybe I wouldn't be in this mess to begin with. I'm definitely getting stressed dealing with all this, and I think it's beginning to affect me physically. I hope this doctor turns out to be the one and I can at least get a surgery date tomorrow. Fingers crossed. Updated on 21 May 2013: I had my consult today - it lasted a little over 2.5 hours, but the doctor was very thorough and I feel incredibly comfortable and confident in choosing him as my surgeon. Before he examined me, I met with him in his office and he said there was an option of just choosing smaller implants. However, after examining me, he said that his recommendation was complete removal, which is fine since that's what I was planning on doing anyway. He did confirm what I suspected, I have bottoming out - "severe" in his opinion. The procedure he wants to perform will include a capsulectomy, reattachment of the muscle to the chest wall, and raising of the inframammary fold. He says he will probably not be able to raise the fold to where it was originally because my incisions are so low, and he does not want me to have to worry about them showing in a bikini. Additionally, he plans to create a new scar by removing the old one, which he believes is not healing properly (possibly, he said, due to the sheer weight of the implants). He also said that my nipples may not come down to their original location as they've been pushed up by the implant and apparently "healed" in a higher position, but that he hopes they'll come down a little when he reattaches the muscle to the chest wall. (I'm hoping for a better outcome than that, but I guess we'll see.) Obviously, this will all be done under general anesthesia. He said I'll have drainage tubes (yuck) for about a week. The recovery time is definitely longer, but at least I'll be doing this right the first time in an effort to avoid any further surgeries down the road. The price is also higher, significantly so, but you can't bargain shop for things like these. The surgery won't be until August, so I'm hoping these next two months go quickly. Additionally, he recommended I cease running so as to prevent any worsening of the bottoming out. That will be hard, very hard, but I guess I'll have to get really good at the elliptical or stair climber in the time being. Updated on 31 May 2013: As we progress into summer, things are definitely getting more difficult. Not being in the shape I was in last summer is saddening. I'm also extremely afraid that something will go wrong during surgery and I'll end up with deformed breasts that will prevent me from ever being able to wear a bikini again. I hope I haven't ruined my chances of ever feeling sexy again. I'm still so angry at myself for getting the surgery in the first place. Updated on 8 Jun 2013: I'm worrying that after my explant my scars will show when I attempt to wear a bikini. My surgeon has said that he'll attempt to place my scars at a location where they won't show in a bikini, but obviously he can't make any guarantees. How have other girls on here who have had crease incisions dealt with hiding their scars in a bikini? And did anyone have scars that were below their crease? Just really worried over here, especially now that I'm seeing everyone running around in a bikini.... =\ Updated on 22 Jun 2013: Surgery has been scheduled for August 14th - less than two months away! Unfortunately, I still have so much to do before then - mainly, studying and taking the bar, eeek! I'm excited to get these out, and I finally have a countdown going. I feel good knowing that this Christmas I'll be back to my old self (hopefully), and everything will seem like a distant memory. =) Updated on 30 Jun 2013: Updated on 12 Jul 2013: I don't why, but I suddenly had a very intense moment of panic last night when thinking about my post-explant looks. I know I won't look exactly how I did before - too much has been done - but I'm afraid I won't be able to accept the way I look at all. I know that if that happens I'll find it very difficult to maintain any kind of normal relationship. I tried to calm myself by looking at the post-op photos of women my age who look so fabulous, but none of them have had all the problems that I have (bottoming out, high nipples, having to correct a lowered IMF). I'm terrified that something may go wrong. I'm also concerned my scars won't heal properly. I've seen women on here who have developed hypertrophic or keloid scars, and I would be devastated if that happened. Well, back to studying. I'm hoping I can just get through these next couple of weeks, and then the stress will be greatly lessened. Updated on 3 Aug 2013: The bar is over - thank God - and now I can focus on getting ready for my surgery which is less than two weeks away now! I'm getting excited to get these awful bags out, but I'm scared of how I'll look and for some reason that's prevented me from planning very far beyond the surgery. Meaning, I can't get excited for any events, like a wedding I have in October. I think, "Will I even be able to go? Or will my boobs like so horrible that I'll just want to hide away in my house?" Ugh, I just wish time would speed up so I get this all over with! Updated on 5 Aug 2013: Last night, I had a huge freak out moment that turned into a panic attack. My boyfriend tried to console me, but I ended up just crying myself to sleep. I'm so scared of what I'm going to look like and have convinced myself something is going to wrong, whether it's me not waking up at all from the surgery or ending up lopsided for the rest of my life. I also am so, so, so angry at myself for putting these scars on my body. I know people say they fade, but they're called scars for a reason: they're permanent. I'm just so scared and I don't know what to do to calm myself. Updated on 10 Aug 2013: Well, my surgery is just four days away now. In fact, 96 hours from now I'll be sitting in a hotel bed recovering - implant free! However, I'm BEYOND SCARED about how my breasts are going to look in the end. I have made peace with the scars, but it's the look of the breasts themselves that has consumed me. I wouldn't be worried much at all if I didn't have to deal with this whole bottoming-out deal. I just have gotten it into my mind that because there's so much extra skin below the nipple that it'll never retract properly and will look all wonky for the rest of my life. Looking at pictures of other explanters has stopped helping me since most don't have the complications I have had. I don't know that I'll ever truly forgive myself for getting implants in the first place... Updated on 11 Aug 2013: I don't know if it's because surgery is just three days away, but I'm having more and more panic attacks as of late. I took a picture of my boobs as one final "before" shot, and while looking at it I was unable to see how my boobs could ever return to normal. I just wish I could turn back time so badly. I think that once this is all over, despite knowing that implants are not for me, summer and "bikini time" will be even harder than before implants. I know I'll be concerned about whether or not my scars are showing, or whether my boobs look "normal" in my bikini top. I know people keep saying that my skin is good and that I have time with implants and age in my favor, but I do have the bottoming out that no one else my age has had (at least to the extent I do). I'm petrified that when my surgeon removes my bandages at my checkup the day after surgery, I'll look down to see nothing but sagging skin and/or uneven creases. I wish this was all a dream I could wake up from. Updated on 13 Aug 2013: Tomorrow is the day! Finally! Needless to say, I'm scared shitless. I keep thinking of all the things that could possibly go wrong, all the complications. I've even convinced myself there's a high probability that I won't even wake up from surgery. I just wish I could fast forward 8 months and be healed and happy again. God help me tomorrow... Updated on 14 Aug 2013: Just returned from surgery. Got to the center at 8, and left about 4. The surgery itself took longer than planned, tho not sure why. I spoke with my PS prior to surgery and he didn't really make me feel like I was going to have a great outcome, but part of me thinks he just didn't want to get my hopes up. I'm still optimistic for a good outcome. On the bright side, my PS said it's a possibility I may get my drains out tomorrow instead of Tuesday as there isn't much fluid. He also said there's a chance I may be even be able to get back to running sooner than he thought! I haven't been able to take a peek yet as I'm very tightly bandaged. I imagine I'll get a glimpse tomorrow during my follow-up. Needless to say, I'm incredibly happy they're out, but only time will tell how they're going to look. :-) (P.S. Sorry for any ramblings, incoherencies or typos - I'm still loopy from the drugs.) Updated on 15 Aug 2013: I had my follow-up visit with my PS this morning. Unfortunately, he didn't remove the drains as he thought he may be able to do. It's not that there was really any fluid in them, but he wants to keep them so they act as a vacuum to close down the pocket where the implant used to be. I also was unable to see what my breasts currently look like as my PS had me lay down while he inspected everything, then wrapped me tightly back up before I could see anything. I can, however, see a bit of my left nipple and it seems to be perfectly fine, and I see no wrinkled skin nearby. I also asked the surgeon if my boobs were now saggy, and he said not at all, so that was nice to hear. As for the bad news, my PS was unable to bring my muscle all the way back down to where it used to be, so he says it is unlikely I'll ever fully regain the strength in those muscles. Additionally, he wants me to wait 6 weeks before I start running again rather than just 4 weeks. =( However, he says I may start lower body cardio (stationary bike, elliptical) as early as next week, as long as I keep my arms and chest out of it. One thing I found a bit rude was when I asked him whether my breasts would look "normal" again he said no because there are scars and boobs with scars are not normal. (Could have answered that in a better way, I thought.) The scars, he said, are currently in the crease, but that could change if healing causes the creases to raise even farther up, though he says he's hopeful that will not happen. Well, I have until Tuesday before I get these awful drains out. They itch and they're sore at times. Fortunately, I'm hopped up on a variety of pain pills, antibiotics, and muscle relaxers so I'm getting some good rest. I'm hoping to post pictures on Tuesday if I'm feeling confident enough. For now, it's off to relax! Updated on 16 Aug 2013: I've been able to take a peek beneath the bandages of my left breast, and I've noticed that there is an indentation underneath my nipple on the right side. I'm terrified that this is permanent. I know that I'm wrapped pretty tightly and there's still loose skin, but I really didn't expect it to look like this at all. I'm panicking that I may be deformed forever with a "dent" on my boob for all eternity. To make it worse, I haven't seen any ladies on here with the same kind of indentation that I'm dealing with. I truly hope I made the right decision and that I won't have to re-implant in the future just to look "normal". =*( Updated on 19 Aug 2013: I was very excited to get my implants removed, but now I'm thinking I made a mistake because of this new dent that is now a part of my boobs, at least the left one. I know I still have the drains in (they come out tomorrow), but I've not seen any woman on here with dents like I have. It's even more frustrating considering the fact that everyone told me since I had all the factors on my side - age, skin elasticity, size of and time with implants - but I look like a 60 year old who had a thousand complications. I truly feel that I've destroyed my body for life. If the dents don't go away, I'm definitely either re-implanting or getting a fat graft....I can't live looking like this. In other news, I broke up with my boyfriend because I know I could never let anyone see me like this. He deserves someone who he can have sex with, obviously. He always was a boob man, so I can't expect him to ever find such deformed boobs attractive. I don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable to be in a relationship again. Perhaps I'm destined to be a spinster (though with dogs, not cats). I miss the old me, but I know she's sadly gone forever and it's all my fault. Updated on 20 Aug 2013: I went to my PS today to have my drains removed. Unfortunately, he only removed 2 of the 4 so I have to return next week to get the remaining two out. On the bright side, he side my "dents" will fluff over the course of a few months and what I'm feeling is the internal stitching he did when he reattached the muscle. So thank the Lord I'm not deformed. I almost cried with relief in his office. I finally get to take a real shower tomorrow morning, too, no more sponge baths! I'm attaching pictures as well. Sorry if they're a bit grainy, my phone isn't the greatest. Updated on 21 Aug 2013: Today I noticed that my "dent" is more prominent before, so it's hard for me to keep faith that it will eventually fill in as my PS told me. He has never been one to give false hope, so I truly hope he's right. Also, I noticed my left nipple is now a bit concave. I never had that problem until now. I am wearing a different bra now, a bit of a tighter one, but somehow I don't think that would make such a difference. I just really hate that I did this to myself. I want to heal quickly and get back to running and be in shape again. I hate feeling so pudgy. I used to pride myself on being in prime physical condition. It was a part of me, and without it I feel like I've lost a huge chunk of myself. On another note, the support of everyone on this forum has been amazing. I don't know where I would be without it. I have made some friends on here that are truly there for me, even if all I know of them is their first name and surgery date. I thank all of you for your kind comments and words of advice, they really do mean the world to me. =) Updated on 21 Aug 2013: Took a better picture of the dent that I thought I'd share. Updated on 22 Aug 2013: I really, really hate that I ever did this to myself. I hate that not only am I stuck forever with a flat chest, but that now I'm stuck with a deformed flat chest. There really are no redeeming qualities to it now. I used to be pleased with the shape and perkiness of them, the only problem I had was the size. Now they're scarred and misshapen and it's my fault. I don't know that I'll ever feel attractive again, and some days I do just want to break up with my boyfriend and be alone forever. He could easily have whoever he wanted, so why would he want to stay with someone who has deformed boobs? Especially when he is an admitted "boob man." I doubt I'll ever forgive myself for doing this. Updated on 27 Aug 2013: FINALLY removed the remaining two drains today after having them for almost two weeks. I feel a lot better being able to dress in "normal" clothes, not having to hide the drains. However, I still don't like what I see in the mirror, but I'm hoping for a good outcome eventually. My PS seemed positive. I've been cleared to drive and began working out my lower body, but I'll have to wait until week 6 to start running. I can't do upper body or ab workouts until 8-12 weeks out. It's frustrating because I just want to be back in shape, and I could be right now if I had never made the insane decision to get implants in the first place. Updated on 28 Aug 2013: I finally got up the courage to show my boyfriend what I'm working with now. He said that they "look nice, especially for only 2 weeks out." I don't know if he's telling the truth or not, but if definitely makes me feel better that he doesn't think I look like a monster. Plus, things can only get better from here. Adding 2 week post-op pictures as well. Updated on 28 Aug 2013: I'm having a bit of a rough night. I'm very worried that because my crease was lowered, I bottomed-out, and then had my creases raised, I'll forever be restricted in my exercise regimen in order to avoid the creases falling back down again. Really, I'm just worried in general about the creases falling back down. My PS said the chances of that are minimal as long as I follow his orders, and I have been trying to take it easy, but it's hard not to overdo certain things. Just wish I could be all healed and back to normal. Seeing a picture of commercial of any in-shape woman makes me extraordinarily depressed, and sometimes I just burst out crying because of it. I used to be one of them, and now I'm just a pudgy girl with weird boobs. Awesome. Updated on 5 Sep 2013: So I'm a little over 3 weeks post-explant, and I've been experiencing a dull, throbbing pain underneath the crease of my right breast. I plan on calling my PS, but I was just wondering if anyone has had a similar experience. I did have my creases raised, so I don't know if it's just the nerves fixing themselves, but I figured that would be more of a sharp, tingling pain. I'm kind of concerned that I may have done something to mess things up on the inside. Updated on 9 Sep 2013: I know it was a bad idea, but I've been looking at breast augmentation reviews. I'm not jealous of the fact that they have implants, just the fact that they have bigger boobs. I'm not loving my post-explant looks. They look and feel smaller than pre-BA, and I'm actually heavier than I was then, so one would think they would be a little larger. I showed my boyfriend my post-explant looks once, but not since then, and I feel as though my dent has stopped healing as I've not seen any changes recently, so that definitely makes things worse. Further, my boyfriend has me hooked on Boardwalk Empire now. It's a good show, but there is tons of nudity, mainly large boobs. They all appear real, which makes me feel worse. It's like I'm the only one my size with a tiny chest, which I know isn't true, but I do feel like I'm in the minority. As a result, I'm having a hard time letting my boyfriend touch me at all. I just wish I'd never had a BA at all... Updated on 14 Sep 2013: It's September 14th, the implants have officially been gone for a full month! Despite not being in love with what I see in the mirror, I still in no way regret removing my implants (just getting them in the first place)! I've added photos - the left breast with the dent is actually the right breast in the photo, for comparison purposes. I don't see much improvement in the dent since week 2, but my boyfriend claims he doesn't even notice it. (I think he may just be saying that because he knows how sensitive I am, but who knows.) Hoping for more improvements over the next few months! Updated on 21 Sep 2013: I had a follow-up visit with my PS the other day. I was cleared to start running this coming Wednesday, but he wants me to wear an underwire sports bra for at least a year. Ick. I purchased one today, and they're not very comfortable. On top of that, I couldn't find one that didn't hit a bit too high, so I hope it's still okay. I may try running with two regular sports bras instead. I was also told to wear a regular bra as much as possible to help with the shaping as they heal. This has me a bit worried that wearing a sports bra is somehow detrimental to their final shape. I was feeling excited about being able to run again, and was even feeling a little more confident. Unfortunately that all changed today. My boyfriend is off at a bachelor party for his best friend, and before he left we were talking about strip clubs. (I have a rule: if you go, no lap dances.) Anyway, he mentioned that he didn't want to go to any strip clubs around here because they're restricted to wearing g-strings and pasties. Meaning, he would prefer to go to a strip club where they can be completely nude. I know he's a typical guy, but it just makes me feel like I'm not enough. Especially now when my boobs are all wonky and misshapen. I just want my old boobs back like crazy, and I hate waking up everyday to this reality. I've never felt more unattractive in my life. Updated on 15 Oct 2013: It's been two months, and I'm noticing improvements weekly. I'm back to running, and it feels great. I still have some "surgery weight" to lose, but I'm hopeful I'll be back in shape by summertime. I'm wearing regular bras during the day, and sports bras to sleep in at night. I have to wear a bra at night until at least six months, and no push-up bras on a regular basis until 1 year post-op. =( My boyfriend has been pretty supportive through all of this, and currently claims that my boobs look like they did before minus the scars. I don't know if I believe him, but it's still nice to hear. Updated on 21 Jan 2014: Well, it's been five months now - the surgery itself seems like a lifetime ago. I'm still not happy with my boobs, and I don't think I ever will be. I think I could have come to love my old, pre-BA boobs, but obviously that's moot now. My left boob still has remnants of the dent, and I no longer notice any improvements. I'm a bit depressed over the whole situation because I really thought I had a good shot of the dent disappearing completely based on what my doctor said. I still have a slight bit of hope that the dent will disappear by the year mark, but it's fading rapidly. I used to be decently comfortable with how I looked, minus my boobs, but now, after the surgery and subsequent minor weight gain, I'm almost ashamed of how I look. I try to tell myself that it could be worse, but then a voice always pops up and says, "Yes, but it could be better, too, if you hadn't had to have implants in the first place!" I used to feel somewhat invincible before my BA, too, but now I feel fragile. I hate it. Fingers crossed that at my year update the dent will be invisible! Updated on 27 Apr 2014: It's been eight months since my explant and I've stopped noticing any improvements in the dent, which has been a major bummer. Today, for some reason, has been an especially rough day. I'm finding it hard to stay motivated to work out because I think that no matter what the rest of me looks like, I still have these wonky, scarred boobs. I'm hoping that the therapy I've recently started will help me deal with all these negative thoughts and emotions, but I know it will take awhile. I have lots of days where I think "what if", which I know isn't the healthiest but I can't help it. I still can't help but be disgusted when I look in the mirror, and I don't think that will ever change. I'm also incredibly angry that my whole implant experience turned out like this when millions of them are so successful. I wish this post could have been optimistic, but I'd be lying if I said I was happy with how all of this has turned out. Updated on 6 Jul 2014: I've always had issues with summer - if I wasn't intensely aware of how inadequate my body appears during the other seasons, summer makes sure to remind me, A LOT. After spending the fourth around a lot of water, and therefore swimsuits, I have never before in my life felt so horrible about the way I look. Thus, I am now seriously considering re-implanting. I have been in therapy for three months now and have seen near zero improvement, so I don't know what other option I have. I cannot live with them the way they are, I simply cannot. I have been researching doctors for awhile now, knowing re-implantation was likely, and hope to make an appointment for a first consult within the next few weeks.
