Biology Happens. - Salt Lake City, UT

I am a mom of three, ages 7, 10 and 14. (I gave birth to the 7 &10 year olds.) My first biological child was delivered by c-section a month early due to pre eclampsia. My second child went full term and was delivered VBAC. He, however, only weighed a pound more but I gained 15 more pounds! I was huge. During the second pregnancy I looked six months pregnant at 3 months. (Now I know this is because of muscle separation.)

I have fibromyalgia, watch what I eat and exercise regularly. I weigh at 41 what I weighed at 27 when I was married to my cute husband. However, my waist is 6 inches bigger! I've been down to 140, and may or may not return to that weight, but the c-section pooch never disappeared.

So tomorrow I'm having a Mommy Makeover: BA, TT, muscle repair, Lipo to flanks and a breast lift on one side.

I have read hundreds of posts from women who have been down this road (thank you thank you thank you!) and am finding myself not in the least bit nervous. I feel I have chosen my ps well (Doctor Dunkley at Envision Cosmetic Surgery. I had my free consultation, he assured me that having this done is not "cheating" and that I am not a failure. He reminded us that if our house needed painting, we'd paint it, and that's pretty much what cosmetic surgery does.

That being said, I view this as a practical decision. I have spent years hating what I look like. It impacts intimacy in a huge way. My husband and I have watched the clock race forward and have begun to do the math on how much more time we have as vigorous, young (ish) adults and choose to live for now. Waiting until the kids are gone is a foolish mistake to make, and one that we are correcting now.

I am ready to be cute again. I am ready to finally have breasts (always an a or b cup), but I am mostly excited to have a waist. Oh I cannot wait for that!

I have waited for the anxiety to kick in and I have already been through the "vain" conversation with myself, but other than that, I am just ready to be done with it. 24 hours from now I will be about half way through surgery. The last six weeks have been eye opening for me. I can now be in front of a mirror and literally not care. Once I found that my body is beyond my influence (so to speak), and once I scheduled the surgery to be done, I don't hate myself. I didn't realize the horrific emotional abuse I inflicted on myself every. single. day. I am a mean girl to myself. But now I don't even see the mess, I don't freak out thinking how am I going to make this stomach go away? Can I run today? Is my asthma a mess? Is my fibromyalgia crippling today? Nope, the pressure isn't on me anymore.

I was ashamed of what I did not have influence over. Sagging, teeny breasts? Huge waist? I CHOSE to have babies. I chose to nurse the two of them for 19 months and then 7 months and have zero regret about those choices. My children are beautiful and healthy. I am amazed at them. But it has not been laziness on my part that has my body looking the way a body does when having children. It's biology.

I don't mean to say that I couldn't lose a few pounds, because I could (and forfeit what little breasts I have at a lower weight.) I don't mean to say that I couldn't tone up--I haven't been to the gym in two months after going 3-5 days per week for three years. But my fibromyalgia and asthma get in the way all the time. And I am tired of being helpless and trapped by the situation.

As for surgery expectations? Well, I am not super concerned about the end product, just shooting for "better." I know my body behaves the way it wants to and I am a slow healer in general, so I am not going into this with a certain measurement or cup size in mind. I prefer to look normal not pin up.

We are using a 500cc silicone implant under the muscle. He feels I'll end up with a full c or maybe a d cup. I know better than to ask him how many pounds he'll take off or how many inches my waist will be after. I'll be smaller over all. And better proportioned. He will not pick a size for patients, but I continue to debate whether I want a 450 or 500. I'd rather be smaller, but as a girl who has never had boobs, I'm not sure I'm the best judge of selecting boobs. :)

My two favorite things I've learned on this site:
1. Boobs are sisters, not twins. (ha, ha, ha, ha! No doubt.) So they won't look or even heal identically.
2. Post surgery is called the "Flat side." Also seriously amusing.

My husband has been supportive and just wants me to be happy. He has never pressured me in any way about my body and has always maintained that I am his most favorite thing in the world. Neither of us is happy to be spending a ton of money, but we live in this culture, under these norms, with these expectations on women's body. And I have been self conscious my entire life when at my anorexic weight or now. I truly want to be proportioned.

I have had a c-section. I spent five days in the hospital doing nothing to aid in healing, so I plan to do the same thing for this surgery. NOTHING. (for weeks) My house is stocked with easy food for my kids to feed themselves (and my husband.) Lots of our usual fresh fruits and vegetables. I have made a list of non-electronic activities for the kids to do so I don't feel guilty with them spending their days plugged into the idiot boxes. We vacationed last week so I don't feel guilty about using up their summer break for my recovery. I don't return to work until late August. ( I teach preschool.)

I purchased a recliner second hand for $150 that is fully motorized up and down that literally will help me get into a standing position. I ordered a women's urinal from Amazon. I know to drink a ton of fluids and I am sterilizing my master bedroom and bathroom as well as can be expected in a home environment. Prescriptions are filled. New button front jammies are purchased. House is stocked. Playdates are arranged. Children are informed. Hubby is working from home for a week. Tons of books are downloaded. My television queues are filled in amazon, hulu and netflix.

I am mentally prepared to go through emotional upheavals and pain. But I am a good waiter. I can be patient. I can wait bad things out. And that doesn't even count the positive neurological surges I will experience by having a new body. I can only imagine.

I think I am good to go.

I have to say that having my writing and pictures go live was a bit of a shock. Audacious for sure. Huge thank you for all the women who have posted their journeys that I've viewed over the last few months. I was uncomfortable when I first got on here, naked people are way outside my normal viewing habits. I tried to be adult about it and grew very educated through pictures, testimonials, panicked posts, nervous questions, and roller coaster revelations.

I kind of hoped I'd grow accustomed to seeing my particular type of body and grow to accept it. But you know what? I didn't. I think I grew more defiant, like I don't have to put up with this nonsense anymore. I am not going to put up with this anymore. I'm finally equipped (through my doctor's years of training) to fix this problem and get less worried about my body. I am ready to be free of worries and disappointment and frustration.

A lot of women have experienced the same emotions I have, and what I have found truly inspiring is to be free of the negative thought process. I think I will finally be able to not care what I look like when I walk in a room. I am not looking for cat calls or even to be noticed. I am hoping to be able to NOT be noticed (look natural), nor CARE if someone sees me. I am ready for clothes to fit and maybe even be free of some of the stupid back strain.

I'm still waiting for apprehension to kick in, but I feel at peace with this. Relieved honestly. And I'm sad to say that I have had such a huge negative self image for so, so long, that I almost believe I won't look that great afterwards. Not because Dr. Dunkley is unskilled, but because I have crossed that line somewhere along the way where I don't know that it IS possible to be attractive. I didn't realize how far my sense of self has deteriorated until faced with the reality of looking better.

I would like to be excited. I have lived a conservative life, filled with decisions to enhance other people's lives. I am not a me first kind of girl. I am that girl who goes without makeup on "off" days to not spend the money on the make up to begin with.

I've offered to cancel this repeatedly to my husband because this is so crazy, but he keeps telling me this is about health and hope. I like that. Health and hope.

Hope. Yep. It's growing.

Last night I spent the last time as my old me in my husband's arms. We stayed up way too late (he is not a morning person so it is a sacrifice ok his part to be up so early. Love him so much.

I check in at 6:45. Yesterday I was called by a nurse to make sure I was ready, to remind me to not eat after midnight and to remember no products (lotion, deodorant, makeup) before I come.

I have a couple Jammie options for after (cute hubby grabbed a half dozen options on the way home from work last night.)

Kind of sad leaving my kids asleep in their beds. But I didn't want to do good byes and get everybody worked up and emotional. But this morning I feel a little of the what ifs.

Wish me luck! See you on the flat side (and not flat sidea anymore up top.)

Good luck to all you ladies today!