It's all over and i'm leaving Real Self

Growing up, my brothers and i got abused in every...

Growing up, my brothers and i got abused in every way possible by our mom. They had worse beatings than i did but she broke my nose when i was extremely young. Only as i reached my teens, i began to notice that whenever i blew or rubbed my nose, sometimes even if i washed my face a bit too enthusiastically, it would crunch and i'd be left in quite a bit of pain. Eventually, i noticed my nose had two huge bumps on either side and bent to the side.

It look me a long time to get over my past but i got there in the end. i no longer speak to any of my family but one thing that leaves a negative reminder is my nose. Every time i knock it i get angry and sad and relive everything all over again.

I desperately want rhinoplasty and my breathing is mildly affected, but i have absolutely no way of paying or it yet or the foreseeable future. I am working on a few things which i hope will help and prevent me from seeing my mother's face when i look in the mirror.

I guess i just wanted to say hello and vent a little. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and wish me luck finding one of the few (that i seem to be able to find, at least) decent rhinoplasty specialists in England. It will happen, it has to, it's just a matter of time.

Just wanted to thank everyone for leaving me such...

Just wanted to thank everyone for leaving me such supportive messages. My fiance has only just come around to the idea of me getting my nose fixed and i've never had anyone else support me and be so kind, so it means the world to me that people who don't even know me are being so friendly and supportive. Thank you, sincerely.

Also thank you to everyone who has shared their stories and reviews. With every one i read i am feeling more and more determined and positive and assured that i am doing the right thing. Good luck to anyone who is going ahead with rhinoplasty and i hope you get the result you are looking for.

So recently i have been emailing...

So recently i have been emailing cosmetic/reconstructive surgeons. i contacted MYA but they seem kinda...... pushy. I'm not keen on anyone who is perfectly fine emailing me and calling me ten times a day (that is only a very slight exaggeration), they might as well put a gun to my head and pinch my purse. I didn't get a straight answer on if any of their surgeons are rhinoplasty specialists, so i'm guessing they're all a jack of all trades.

One specialist sounded great, a Muhammad Riaz, but i can't see any reviews or anything for him anywhere. A few others just haven't impressed me. i think it's important to maybe find a surgeon who charges for a consultation, that way you know he doesn't want to waste time on people who are just curious, or half-arsed.

i still don't have the money for my surgery yet, but i do have something i'm putting a lot of faith in...

i'm in a really horrible position right now and i'm just thankful we have a punch bag in the garden! I'm trying not to let myself get upset at the thought i make right what someone else did to me. i'm trying not to let feelings get in the way, 'why should i have to live with this, she shouldn't have done it', etc. My fella is being so patient and supportive, i'm thankful for him every day!

i just can't wait to talk to someone and not have to turn my head to the side like a pigeon! I have ruined so many important photos with my nose, the birth of my little girl, our holidays etc. I don't want to ruin our wedding photos too. i also can't wait to be able to sneeze out of my nose without practically crying after, and rubbing my nose, blowing it, washing my face carelessly....! It's spurring me on and getting me pumped up but i have to work to earn the money, and it's hard when my fella works 14hr shifts, i have a 22 month old and no family to help.

Anyway, im trying not to post until i have made some progress, it's just hard because of how passionately i feel about this. I think i may have a go on my punch bag.... i may picture my mother's nose as i do! I must note, i am completely against violence and mean it light heartedly. But hey, it's the least she deserves for doing that to a 3 or 4 year old and a little fantasy never hurt anyone.

Thanks again for all your support and kind words, it really does mean a lot. Good luck to you all

PS I kind of feel a bit mean by remaining completely anonymous so i have decided to post full pictures now, like i won't do a 'Manhunter' on my eyes any more.

Finally uncensored the pics.

Finally uncensored the pics.

OK, this time i'm definitely not updating again...

OK, this time i'm definitely not updating again until something significant happens (after this time, of course), i'm beginning to annoy myself! I'm not very good with words and a lot of the time i accidentally insult people or explain myself wrong and people take me for being a bit rude, or just plain nuts. It's hard cos i have quite a dry sense of humour usually and now i'm all excited after reading all of your reviews! I kinda just want to explain myself a bit more, then provide a rather dull mini-update..

My nose looks fine from certain angles so whenever someone whips a camera out, i strike a rather silly pose with my head facing the right. Because my nose twists to the left (and my tip tilts to the right), it looks small and a little upturned from the left and i don't mind how it looks like that. But face on, as you can see up top, it looks a hot mess! That photo is equally unflattering cos my top lip tends to disappear when i smile, but i can live with that -i just have to start applying a bit of lippy once in a while! From the right side, you can see how twisted it is and it looks huge and like a big lump. It also looks all bumpy too.

I've said to a few other people on here that it's always different when it's someone else's nose. I could look at anyone's nose on here and say 'Oh, it's fine, you're just being silly!' But truthfully, though some noses genuinely need nothing doing to them, others wouldn't be so fine if i was the one with it on my face! Then it would be another story, if i had to look in the mirror every day and see it staring back at me and being the main focus of my whole face. That's all i'm saying.

For the record, i'm not trying to convince you my nose needs seeing to, i'm having the operation regardless of what anyone thinks, but i would like to share with you all and even poke fun at my silly wonky, clicky nose! I've had enough of being serious and feeling like a victim, i want to laugh about it get spurred on. Why should i let that woman (my mom, of course) have that kind of power over me any longer and laugh with all her mere minions about how she got away with everything? Forgive me for this, but BOLLOCKS to that! She'll get what she deserves and, though i won't sit there and wish and plot for it, i can have a little peace of mind knowing that if evil exists in this world, it has to exist in the next. That i will laugh about! :)

I am genuinely grateful for everyone's input and i'll never tire of hearing your opinions, honestly, but if any of you are just trying to make me feel better -stop it! :) I know what my nose looks like and i'm fine with that, knowing i can do something about it (eventually). I want a rhinoplasty for the same reason as you guys: because i think it's ugly. It just so happens it looks this way because of someone else and sometimes it reminds me of that and i get upset. I don't expect the surgery to fix all my problems, it won't change anything but my nose, but i've worked hard to forget my past and stop getting angry and now i can go months without even thinking about it, but then when i rub my nose the wrong way, the physical pain and the sickening crunch brings it all back. I'm not expecting a miracle.

Anyway, enough of that. Bored with it.

The past few weeks, nothing much has changed. I'm still being harassed by MYA and i'm still poor. But i'm still working hard and doing my own little Private Investigations of sorts and i'm a bit closer to picking a surgeon or three to have a consultation with a little further down the line and i'm planning on making some morphs this weekend. I'll take some better photos of my nose now and upload them soon then share the morphs with you guys.

Thanks for reading,
Take care and good luck :*

Moving forward!!!

So the past week or so something has happened to me. Slowly over the years i have been coming to terms with everything that's happened, having to fix what somebody else did to me, yadda yadda yadda. But more recently i seem to be getting my backside into gear. My fiance Craig and i have FINALLY decided to quit smoking. We figured out how much we were spending on our habit and realized we could be saving £370 a month! I tried to convert this into dollars for you but i'm having a stupid day and couldn't figure it out. On top of that, he's changing shifts at work which means he'll be getting paid more to work less! That's an extra £320 a month! I'm so excited i can barely contain myself!

Craig and i are writers (i guess) and he's doing movie work after dilly-dallying for like ever. I am finally turning my life into a book and i know that sounds really lame -cos it is- but i'm kind of making it into a comedy. It makes me laugh! But i'm glad i can finally laugh about my life instead of getting angry at feeling like a victim.

We've found some cheap flights over to the US for when we can book a consultation, so that's also good. I have my heart set on seeing Dr Cochran in Dallas for my surgery cos every review of him that i have read has been fantastic and every last photo of their new noses are PERFECT!

It's still going to be a while before anything happens, we have a fair bit of debt from when Craig was like 21 (he's 34 now) to pay off, but after that we're on our way! At least now we have a plan and we're being sensible, there is finally a light at the end of this tunnel!

I know i do this every update and it's probably getting old, but i do really want to thank everyone again for being so incredibly kind and supportive. It's nice that you're all putting a positive and encouraging spin on things instead of pitying me cos it's helping me stay positive and strong. In particular, thank you AriaD'Fontaine for knowing exactly how i feel without me even knowing myself.

I will of course keep you all updated, but i'm thinking when i actually book my first consultation i will write a separate review. I will get permission first of course, but in the build up to my surgery i don't want any negativity in that review, i want to keep it all positive like with everyone's comments below. I just think that this review so far has a lot of negativity in it (things i've written) and while i don't mind you all knowing that side of my life, i'd prefer to keep it separate from all my excitement.

Good luck everyone with your surgeries, happy recovery! :*

bad news

The very next day after i last updated my review, we got a bill for £67,000. Before we were in about £10,000+ of debt but we made a plan together to get through it and travel to Texas to get my nose fixed. I always said that i wouldn't pay so much money travelling back and forth to the States (a place we've ALWAYS wanted to go) and spend Lord knows how much on surgery unless we were financially stable enough that we wouldn't be left poor and back in debt afterwards. Then this happened.

£67,000 on top of what we're already paying out is just ridiculous and there's no way we can manage it. We booked an appointment with a debt specialist and thought he would just tell us that we could go bankrupt. That way our debts would be wiped out after a year and we could start again.

But thanks to D*ckhead Cameron, the Prime Minister that nobody elected, bankruptcy is just not what it used to be and we would end up worse off. Now we can either go the IVA route which will take 5 years to get through and will see us and my precious little girl hungry and only with the clothes on our backs, or we can make the mortgage (oh yeah, this was all cos of a mortgage we were kind of tricked into) company an offer of at least £5000 upfront and hope that they will accept it. Then of course we have to figure out how on earth to come up with that amount of money in such a short amount of time.

We have a month to decide what we're going to do, either way a rhinoplasty is out of the question for the foreseeable future...

I won't be on Real Self much cos of course it's heartbreaking. When there was a light at the end of the tunnel, your stories were soooooooo inspiring, but now i can't stand to look. I have been putting on a brave face, positive of what might have come out of this meeting today, but it has all fallen through and i'm devastated (as well as feeling incredibly bloody stupid for getting so excited).

I will never forget all the support i have received here though, you are all such beautiful people and -however dramatic and silly this sounds- you have all restored my faith in humanity with your kindness and support. I can't thank you all enough, you are wonderful people.

Maybe one day i will be back and have my consultation booked, but who knows. I'm just taking it as it comes now and trying not to get emotional and whatever, so...

My writing has even fallen through (and i LOVED it!!) cos i'm just not in the right frame of mind to carry on.

Good luck with all of your surgeries and recoveries and thank you all again. Bah-bye! :*
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