It's all over and i'm leaving Real Self

Growing up, my brothers and i got abused in every...

Growing up, my brothers and i got abused in every way possible by our mom. They had worse beatings than i did but she broke my nose when i was extremely young. Only as i reached my teens, i began to notice that whenever i blew or rubbed my nose, sometimes even if i washed my face a bit too enthusiastically, it would crunch and i'd be left in quite a bit of pain. Eventually, i noticed my nose had two huge bumps on either side and bent to the side.

It look me a long time to get over my past but i got there in the end. i no longer speak to any of my family but one thing that leaves a negative reminder is my nose. Every time i knock it i get angry and sad and relive everything all over again.

I desperately want rhinoplasty and my breathing is mildly affected, but i have absolutely no way of paying or it yet or the foreseeable future. I am working on a few things which i hope will help and prevent me from seeing my mother's face when i look in the mirror.

I guess i just wanted to say hello and vent a little. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and wish me luck finding one of the few (that i seem to be able to find, at least) decent rhinoplasty specialists in England. It will happen, it has to, it's just a matter of time.

Just wanted to thank everyone for leaving me such...

Just wanted to thank everyone for leaving me such supportive messages. My fiance has only just come around to the idea of me getting my nose fixed and i've never had anyone else support me and be so kind, so it means the world to me that people who don't even know me are being so friendly and supportive. Thank you, sincerely.

Also thank you to everyone who has shared their stories and reviews. With every one i read i am feeling more and more determined and positive and assured that i am doing the right thing. Good luck to anyone who is going ahead with rhinoplasty and i hope you get the result you are looking for.

So recently i have been emailing...

So recently i have been emailing cosmetic/reconstructive surgeons. i contacted MYA but they seem kinda...... pushy. I'm not keen on anyone who is perfectly fine emailing me and calling me ten times a day (that is only a very slight exaggeration), they might as well put a gun to my head and pinch my purse. I didn't get a straight answer on if any of their surgeons are rhinoplasty specialists, so i'm guessing they're all a jack of all trades.

One specialist sounded great, a Muhammad Riaz, but i can't see any reviews or anything for him anywhere. A few others just haven't impressed me. i think it's important to maybe find a surgeon who charges for a consultation, that way you know he doesn't want to waste time on people who are just curious, or half-arsed.

i still don't have the money for my surgery yet, but i do have something i'm putting a lot of faith in...

i'm in a really horrible position right now and i'm just thankful we have a punch bag in the garden! I'm trying not to let myself get upset at the thought i make right what someone else did to me. i'm trying not to let feelings get in the way, 'why should i have to live with this, she shouldn't have done it', etc. My fella is being so patient and supportive, i'm thankful for him every day!

i just can't wait to talk to someone and not have to turn my head to the side like a pigeon! I have ruined so many important photos with my nose, the birth of my little girl, our holidays etc. I don't want to ruin our wedding photos too. i also can't wait to be able to sneeze out of my nose without practically crying after, and rubbing my nose, blowing it, washing my face carelessly....! It's spurring me on and getting me pumped up but i have to work to earn the money, and it's hard when my fella works 14hr shifts, i have a 22 month old and no family to help.

Anyway, im trying not to post until i have made some progress, it's just hard because of how passionately i feel about this. I think i may have a go on my punch bag.... i may picture my mother's nose as i do! I must note, i am completely against violence and mean it light heartedly. But hey, it's the least she deserves for doing that to a 3 or 4 year old and a little fantasy never hurt anyone.

Thanks again for all your support and kind words, it really does mean a lot. Good luck to you all

PS I kind of feel a bit mean by remaining completely anonymous so i have decided to post full pictures now, like i won't do a 'Manhunter' on my eyes any more.

Finally uncensored the pics.

Finally uncensored the pics.

OK, this time i'm definitely not updating again...

OK, this time i'm definitely not updating again until something significant happens (after this time, of course), i'm beginning to annoy myself! I'm not very good with words and a lot of the time i accidentally insult people or explain myself wrong and people take me for being a bit rude, or just plain nuts. It's hard cos i have quite a dry sense of humour usually and now i'm all excited after reading all of your reviews! I kinda just want to explain myself a bit more, then provide a rather dull mini-update..

My nose looks fine from certain angles so whenever someone whips a camera out, i strike a rather silly pose with my head facing the right. Because my nose twists to the left (and my tip tilts to the right), it looks small and a little upturned from the left and i don't mind how it looks like that. But face on, as you can see up top, it looks a hot mess! That photo is equally unflattering cos my top lip tends to disappear when i smile, but i can live with that -i just have to start applying a bit of lippy once in a while! From the right side, you can see how twisted it is and it looks huge and like a big lump. It also looks all bumpy too.

I've said to a few other people on here that it's always different when it's someone else's nose. I could look at anyone's nose on here and say 'Oh, it's fine, you're just being silly!' But truthfully, though some noses genuinely need nothing doing to them, others wouldn't be so fine if i was the one with it on my face! Then it would be another story, if i had to look in the mirror every day and see it staring back at me and being the main focus of my whole face. That's all i'm saying.

For the record, i'm not trying to convince you my nose needs seeing to, i'm having the operation regardless of what anyone thinks, but i would like to share with you all and even poke fun at my silly wonky, clicky nose! I've had enough of being serious and feeling like a victim, i want to laugh about it get spurred on. Why should i let that woman (my mom, of course) have that kind of power over me any longer and laugh with all her mere minions about how she got away with everything? Forgive me for this, but BOLLOCKS to that! She'll get what she deserves and, though i won't sit there and wish and plot for it, i can have a little peace of mind knowing that if evil exists in this world, it has to exist in the next. That i will laugh about! :)

I am genuinely grateful for everyone's input and i'll never tire of hearing your opinions, honestly, but if any of you are just trying to make me feel better -stop it! :) I know what my nose looks like and i'm fine with that, knowing i can do something about it (eventually). I want a rhinoplasty for the same reason as you guys: because i think it's ugly. It just so happens it looks this way because of someone else and sometimes it reminds me of that and i get upset. I don't expect the surgery to fix all my problems, it won't change anything but my nose, but i've worked hard to forget my past and stop getting angry and now i can go months without even thinking about it, but then when i rub my nose the wrong way, the physical pain and the sickening crunch brings it all back. I'm not expecting a miracle.

Anyway, enough of that. Bored with it.

The past few weeks, nothing much has changed. I'm still being harassed by MYA and i'm still poor. But i'm still working hard and doing my own little Private Investigations of sorts and i'm a bit closer to picking a surgeon or three to have a consultation with a little further down the line and i'm planning on making some morphs this weekend. I'll take some better photos of my nose now and upload them soon then share the morphs with you guys.

Thanks for reading,
Take care and good luck :*

Moving forward!!!

So the past week or so something has happened to me. Slowly over the years i have been coming to terms with everything that's happened, having to fix what somebody else did to me, yadda yadda yadda. But more recently i seem to be getting my backside into gear. My fiance Craig and i have FINALLY decided to quit smoking. We figured out how much we were spending on our habit and realized we could be saving £370 a month! I tried to convert this into dollars for you but i'm having a stupid day and couldn't figure it out. On top of that, he's changing shifts at work which means he'll be getting paid more to work less! That's an extra £320 a month! I'm so excited i can barely contain myself!

Craig and i are writers (i guess) and he's doing movie work after dilly-dallying for like ever. I am finally turning my life into a book and i know that sounds really lame -cos it is- but i'm kind of making it into a comedy. It makes me laugh! But i'm glad i can finally laugh about my life instead of getting angry at feeling like a victim.

We've found some cheap flights over to the US for when we can book a consultation, so that's also good. I have my heart set on seeing Dr Cochran in Dallas for my surgery cos every review of him that i have read has been fantastic and every last photo of their new noses are PERFECT!

It's still going to be a while before anything happens, we have a fair bit of debt from when Craig was like 21 (he's 34 now) to pay off, but after that we're on our way! At least now we have a plan and we're being sensible, there is finally a light at the end of this tunnel!

I know i do this every update and it's probably getting old, but i do really want to thank everyone again for being so incredibly kind and supportive. It's nice that you're all putting a positive and encouraging spin on things instead of pitying me cos it's helping me stay positive and strong. In particular, thank you AriaD'Fontaine for knowing exactly how i feel without me even knowing myself.

I will of course keep you all updated, but i'm thinking when i actually book my first consultation i will write a separate review. I will get permission first of course, but in the build up to my surgery i don't want any negativity in that review, i want to keep it all positive like with everyone's comments below. I just think that this review so far has a lot of negativity in it (things i've written) and while i don't mind you all knowing that side of my life, i'd prefer to keep it separate from all my excitement.

Good luck everyone with your surgeries, happy recovery! :*

bad news

The very next day after i last updated my review, we got a bill for £67,000. Before we were in about £10,000+ of debt but we made a plan together to get through it and travel to Texas to get my nose fixed. I always said that i wouldn't pay so much money travelling back and forth to the States (a place we've ALWAYS wanted to go) and spend Lord knows how much on surgery unless we were financially stable enough that we wouldn't be left poor and back in debt afterwards. Then this happened.

£67,000 on top of what we're already paying out is just ridiculous and there's no way we can manage it. We booked an appointment with a debt specialist and thought he would just tell us that we could go bankrupt. That way our debts would be wiped out after a year and we could start again.

But thanks to D*ckhead Cameron, the Prime Minister that nobody elected, bankruptcy is just not what it used to be and we would end up worse off. Now we can either go the IVA route which will take 5 years to get through and will see us and my precious little girl hungry and only with the clothes on our backs, or we can make the mortgage (oh yeah, this was all cos of a mortgage we were kind of tricked into) company an offer of at least £5000 upfront and hope that they will accept it. Then of course we have to figure out how on earth to come up with that amount of money in such a short amount of time.

We have a month to decide what we're going to do, either way a rhinoplasty is out of the question for the foreseeable future...

I won't be on Real Self much cos of course it's heartbreaking. When there was a light at the end of the tunnel, your stories were soooooooo inspiring, but now i can't stand to look. I have been putting on a brave face, positive of what might have come out of this meeting today, but it has all fallen through and i'm devastated (as well as feeling incredibly bloody stupid for getting so excited).

I will never forget all the support i have received here though, you are all such beautiful people and -however dramatic and silly this sounds- you have all restored my faith in humanity with your kindness and support. I can't thank you all enough, you are wonderful people.

Maybe one day i will be back and have my consultation booked, but who knows. I'm just taking it as it comes now and trying not to get emotional and whatever, so...

My writing has even fallen through (and i LOVED it!!) cos i'm just not in the right frame of mind to carry on.

Good luck with all of your surgeries and recoveries and thank you all again. Bah-bye! :*
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Comments (65)

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I'm just checking on you. Wondering how you're doing. Sending love and the magic to change your circumstances for the better!
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I hope that one day you will come back with a story of success. I know how hard life can be. I have had the worst year I can imagine so I hope things get better for you.
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Thank you, that means a lot. On the bright side though, you're looking great!
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Sounds like you are on the right track! Keep in touch, my friend, for I care about your healing.
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On the right track? What review were you reading? Hehehe :)
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I just know everything will work out for you. I believe in you. I believe in your ability to overcome all. Always.
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I am also crying. I know how scary it feels.
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Thank you, that does mean a lot. I've had enough of crying for one day, my chin is staying up in the air! Get yours up there too! :)
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I'll put my chin in the air, not my nose, lol! : )
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Thank you for sharing your story and I look forward to your updates.  I can't wait to hear how your consult with Cochran goes.  Best of luck!
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Thank you so much! It will be a while away of course but i'm so excited. I am looking forward to your progress too, your reviews really got to me. Do you have a consultation booked with Dr Cochran too yet? I have so much faith in him, it's harder for you of course with what's happened, but i think he could be the surgeon to fix everything the other guy did to you. Good luck to you too and thank you again for your message!
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Thank you. I really think Cochran has tons of experience and has a lot of happy patients. I need to work on saving money right now. I have consulted with two different PSs and hope to go on a couple of more before making up my mind. Hopefully by then, I'll have enough money saved. Congratulations on quitting smoking...that's probably just about the best decision anyone can make.
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Woo hoo! I'm so excited for you, Matilda! I've got tears in my eyes! I just KNEW some forward movement was coming for you! Such an advantage, the purchasing power of the £ here in the States, although, it seems the surgeons in the UK charge about 20% less if you're looking at straight numbers. I smoked for 7 years, and in quitting, I adopted the philosophy, "Never quit quitting." That means, if you relapse, quit again. I also programmed myself to get sick with a cold when I smoked, so I had to quit if I did relapse. I clearly remember the day that I gave in to a craving, took a drag, and felt distinctly that this wasn't what I wanted. I put it out instantly and got rid of the pack. I told myself in my head, that I never smoked. I'm a non-smoker. You are a woman of great will, and your will will win! If you gain a little weight, forgive yourself, and don't smoke. It will come off when your body knows it's a nonsmoker. I've seen many fail for that reason, just stay the course. I so look forward to your new review! I love that you are healing your heart through your writing. You inspire me!
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Hehehehe! Yeah, i've had tears in my eyes pretty much all day and a sore face from smiling so much! I've found that UK surgeons are much cheaper, typically, but it's so hard to find a specialist that does lots of work over here. There are lots of bad reviews and plus Dr Cochran's work and his whole attitude towards rhinoplasty just blew me away. I will be sensible and have a few consultations with him but i already know he is the surgeon i want. That is very, very good advice about quitting smoking! I will definitely do as you suggest, though i don't really enjoy smoking any more anyway, i definitely am ready to quit!! I can handle gaining some weight, we've all been there before! As long as i can get my nose fixed i don't care what i have to sacrifice, be it food, my figure, anything. I am sooooo ready for this surgery, i would have it today if i could. I would definitely suggest writing about your life! When i first started, i kept breaking down and couldn't get out of the mindset of "I'm having to re-live all of this again!" But now i'm not letting it get to me and am looking at it as something fun that's going to help my -new- little family and giving myself a little chance to speak up and air a few truths. I recommend this to anyone, it has been so positive and more fun than i ever could have believed. As always, thank you for your supportive message!
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Hi Matilda, thank you for posting your story. It takes some guts! I went through something similar, so you are definitely not alone. My father abused me physically as a child. When I was 10 he broke my two front teeth. I went through a lot with the injury over the years, wasn't happy with my smile, root canals, crowns, crowns that needed to be replaced. The injustice of having to pay to fix something that someone did to you. One has a painful reminder everyday, even though you try to forget it and carry a positive outlook. Your brain routes in loops of anxiety when you have a visual or physical reminder. I went through a lot of counseling, and a lot of dentristry to let go of that bag of negative poo! It can be done! Matilda, if someone offers to help you with paying for your surgery, you might consider accepting it. My mom helped me pay for my second set of crowns, and it got me feeling better, faster, having the issue resolved sooner than I could've done on my own. If someone feels the need to help you, allow them the beautiful gift of giving you the compassion that they yearn to use to do something good in this world. It is the way life balances out, you didn't break your nose, nor are you able to fix it on your own. (Even if you pay for it all yourself, thou shan't do thy own rhinoplasty!) I have an excited feeling that things are going to happen rather quickly for you, that your heart, your mind, and your nose will be healed, and that you will move forward in your life with new goals and dreams!
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After being on RS for months now i am blown away by the amount of support and respect everyone has shown each other and myself. Your comment was one of the best and i am so thankful you took the time to comment and make my day! I'm genuinely happy for you that you are doing well after suffering abuse also and am blown away by your positivity and strength! I only wish someone could help me with this, i have been suffering nosebleeds recently and am terrified that my nose may end up collapsing, but i don't think i could live with myself if i took an offer like that, honestly. I don't really know a lot of people, of course i have no family in my life and it wouldn't even occur to them even if they could afford it. I fantasize that someone would help me and i could live happily ever after (at least with my nose) but it just doesn't look like it's even possible. But i am getting there, my frame of mind is changing and growing into something bigger and stronger everyday and i've discovered so much hop and motivation in myself that i know i can make this happen, and very quickly. Genuinely, your message meant the world to me, thank you so much!
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*Hope, not hop, hehe
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Hi Matilda! You are such a beautiful soul. I completely understand. Nose bleeds are scary, and I'm sad that you've not got relief immediately in view. But, you will find a way. I did something silly when in the planning and researching phase: I bought a tin piggy bank that said, "I'm saving for plastic surgery." I kept one coin in it. No more, no less. I thought to myself that I would find a way to better my health and improve my appearance with my rhinoplasty, and after about 4 years, it all came together. My piggy bank probably needs a new home. I'm willing to send it overseas to you if you want it to work its magic for you, too. You can pm me an address where you want it sent, if you want.
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Hi, Did you find anything more about Mr Riaz? Really contemplating surgery with him myself aswell
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Hi! Yeah, he seems like a great surgeon. On his website ( he has photos of the reconstructive work he's done and they look good, but there doesn't seem to be much about general rhinoplasties.. I think a consultation with him would be very important. Good luck with your search and of course your surgery, hopefully you can come back and share :)
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Sent you a PM
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I didn't get one....
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I can feel your pain as far as the issues with your mother. I hope that you are able to get past this soon. It was a surgery I waited 12 years for. I wish you were recovering along with us. Keep your head up dear!! You have already showed that you are strong by overcoming what you went threw. Now all you can do is be strong for your daughter and not repeat what your mother did to you. Will pray that soon you can get this done.
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Thank you so much! I know, i protect my daughter's nose like it's precious (it is), if she even falls over i panic that she might have damaged her nose! Kind of over-bearing i know but i don't want her to go through this too. Funny, your results are beautiful and one of the reasons that are pushing me to work hard so i can get mine fixed!
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Reading your post broke my heart. I hope you find the peace that you need with your past and the means to change what you don't like in the present. All we can do as parents is not make the same mistakes ours did with us. My son is now 22 months and I can't imagine doing to my son some of the things my mother did to us as kids. Not physically but emotionally.
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