It's all over and i'm leaving Real Self

Growing up, my brothers and i got abused in every...

Growing up, my brothers and i got abused in every way possible by our mom. They had worse beatings than i did but she broke my nose when i was extremely young. Only as i reached my teens, i began to notice that whenever i blew or rubbed my nose, sometimes even if i washed my face a bit too enthusiastically, it would crunch and i'd be left in quite a bit of pain. Eventually, i noticed my nose had two huge bumps on either side and bent to the side.

It look me a long time to get over my past but i got there in the end. i no longer speak to any of my family but one thing that leaves a negative reminder is my nose. Every time i knock it i get angry and sad and relive everything all over again.

I desperately want rhinoplasty and my breathing is mildly affected, but i have absolutely no way of paying or it yet or the foreseeable future. I am working on a few things which i hope will help and prevent me from seeing my mother's face when i look in the mirror.

I guess i just wanted to say hello and vent a little. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and wish me luck finding one of the few (that i seem to be able to find, at least) decent rhinoplasty specialists in England. It will happen, it has to, it's just a matter of time.

Thanks so much for sharing on RealSelf! I'm truly sorry for what you went through as a child. My heart just aches for you.

I hope you're able to figure out financing. You might be surprised and insurance might cover at least part of the surgery if you have breathing issues or pain. Not sure how health care works over there, but it'd be worth a try to call a few surgeons and ask.

Here's a list of questions to ask prospective doctors. Please keep us posted. I hope you're able to get this taken care of so you only see YOU when you look in the mirror.

Reply
Thank you, that's so nice! I will have a look right away. Health care over here is rubbish, mostly. NHS could possibly cover the cost seeing as it's not just cosmetic but i doubt it would be a specialist, or that it would include after care. Plus i want to do this on m own. Thank you again, i will certainly update as soon as something happens!
Reply

Just wanted to thank everyone for leaving me such...

Just wanted to thank everyone for leaving me such supportive messages. My fiance has only just come around to the idea of me getting my nose fixed and i've never had anyone else support me and be so kind, so it means the world to me that people who don't even know me are being so friendly and supportive. Thank you, sincerely.

Also thank you to everyone who has shared their stories and reviews. With every one i read i am feeling more and more determined and positive and assured that i am doing the right thing. Good luck to anyone who is going ahead with rhinoplasty and i hope you get the result you are looking for.
You are already beautiful, especially the 4th pic of you as a brunette. Keep growing up strong.
Reply
Thank you, that's very kind! I took it down though, it makes me cringe too bad!
Reply
You're a very strong and brave woman to have gone through what you have and to come out the way you have. I also grew up in an abusive household (though my dad and I are much closer now), and although I never experienced it to the physical extent that you did, I can understand in terms of how it is an emotional impact. Good luck on your journey and just know that you always have us here at realself to offer support.
Reply

So recently i have been emailing...

So recently i have been emailing cosmetic/reconstructive surgeons. i contacted MYA but they seem kinda...... pushy. I'm not keen on anyone who is perfectly fine emailing me and calling me ten times a day (that is only a very slight exaggeration), they might as well put a gun to my head and pinch my purse. I didn't get a straight answer on if any of their surgeons are rhinoplasty specialists, so i'm guessing they're all a jack of all trades.

One specialist sounded great, a Muhammad Riaz, but i can't see any reviews or anything for him anywhere. A few others just haven't impressed me. i think it's important to maybe find a surgeon who charges for a consultation, that way you know he doesn't want to waste time on people who are just curious, or half-arsed.

i still don't have the money for my surgery yet, but i do have something i'm putting a lot of faith in...

i'm in a really horrible position right now and i'm just thankful we have a punch bag in the garden! I'm trying not to let myself get upset at the thought i make right what someone else did to me. i'm trying not to let feelings get in the way, 'why should i have to live with this, she shouldn't have done it', etc. My fella is being so patient and supportive, i'm thankful for him every day!

i just can't wait to talk to someone and not have to turn my head to the side like a pigeon! I have ruined so many important photos with my nose, the birth of my little girl, our holidays etc. I don't want to ruin our wedding photos too. i also can't wait to be able to sneeze out of my nose without practically crying after, and rubbing my nose, blowing it, washing my face carelessly....! It's spurring me on and getting me pumped up but i have to work to earn the money, and it's hard when my fella works 14hr shifts, i have a 22 month old and no family to help.

Anyway, im trying not to post until i have made some progress, it's just hard because of how passionately i feel about this. I think i may have a go on my punch bag.... i may picture my mother's nose as i do! I must note, i am completely against violence and mean it light heartedly. But hey, it's the least she deserves for doing that to a 3 or 4 year old and a little fantasy never hurt anyone.

Thanks again for all your support and kind words, it really does mean a lot. Good luck to you all

PS I kind of feel a bit mean by remaining completely anonymous so i have decided to post full pictures now, like i won't do a 'Manhunter' on my eyes any more.
I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you as a child. The important thing is to look ahead and not back. Make sure you consult with several doctors to see which one seems best with rhinoplasty. If they don't have before and afters on their site, you could probably ask them at the consultation and they'll probably show them to you (that's what I did). Good luck finding a surgeon!
Reply
Thank you! I loved reading your review, by the way. Hope you're really pleased with your results, you look gorgeous!
Reply
I used to do the "turn to the right" thing too haha.. I would always rearrange group pictures to capture my good side, my wedding video happened to be shot from my bad side and I couldn't stand watching it, I didn't want to show anyone! If anyone deserves a break, it's you darling, keep putting in good positive hopeful vibes into the universe and hang in there, it's coming!! You are beautiful no matter what, and you certainly deserve to be happy :)
Reply

Finally uncensored the pics.

Finally uncensored the pics.
Just wanted to say I loved reading your page. I agree with everyone below too - your nose looks dynamite already, but I completely understand where you're coming from. Just know you've got a whole community supporting you on here. Money is definitely the annoying part, but you'll find being cheap and stingy for a few months (or in my case a few years) will make your surgery piggy bank pretty happy.
Reply
Thank you so much! Coming from you, that really means a lot! I think it'll be years in my case too, right now being cheap and stingy isn't a choice... Luckily, i am a skilful cunning ninja and i have a few things in mind that may be helpful ;)
Reply
I think your nose is beautiful. I don't see anything wrong in your nose even if you point them out! Trust me no one on earth has a perfect nose or looks perfect from every angle. Even models and celebrities pose with their perfect angle! Everyone is created different and that's what makes us have our own unique beauty and looks. I had my nose done and regret it, for many reasons. Anyhow, I don't understand the part where you say you want a nose job so you can touch your nose comfortably. I had my nose done and one of the things I hate about it that its as hard and stiff and rock and not flexible and more. can barely wash my face anymore :/ So uncomfortable. I would do anything to have comfot of my old nose :( good luck and wish u the best in your decision!
Reply

OK, this time i'm definitely not updating again...

OK, this time i'm definitely not updating again until something significant happens (after this time, of course), i'm beginning to annoy myself! I'm not very good with words and a lot of the time i accidentally insult people or explain myself wrong and people take me for being a bit rude, or just plain nuts. It's hard cos i have quite a dry sense of humour usually and now i'm all excited after reading all of your reviews! I kinda just want to explain myself a bit more, then provide a rather dull mini-update..

My nose looks fine from certain angles so whenever someone whips a camera out, i strike a rather silly pose with my head facing the right. Because my nose twists to the left (and my tip tilts to the right), it looks small and a little upturned from the left and i don't mind how it looks like that. But face on, as you can see up top, it looks a hot mess! That photo is equally unflattering cos my top lip tends to disappear when i smile, but i can live with that -i just have to start applying a bit of lippy once in a while! From the right side, you can see how twisted it is and it looks huge and like a big lump. It also looks all bumpy too.

I've said to a few other people on here that it's always different when it's someone else's nose. I could look at anyone's nose on here and say 'Oh, it's fine, you're just being silly!' But truthfully, though some noses genuinely need nothing doing to them, others wouldn't be so fine if i was the one with it on my face! Then it would be another story, if i had to look in the mirror every day and see it staring back at me and being the main focus of my whole face. That's all i'm saying.

For the record, i'm not trying to convince you my nose needs seeing to, i'm having the operation regardless of what anyone thinks, but i would like to share with you all and even poke fun at my silly wonky, clicky nose! I've had enough of being serious and feeling like a victim, i want to laugh about it get spurred on. Why should i let that woman (my mom, of course) have that kind of power over me any longer and laugh with all her mere minions about how she got away with everything? Forgive me for this, but BOLLOCKS to that! She'll get what she deserves and, though i won't sit there and wish and plot for it, i can have a little peace of mind knowing that if evil exists in this world, it has to exist in the next. That i will laugh about! :)

I am genuinely grateful for everyone's input and i'll never tire of hearing your opinions, honestly, but if any of you are just trying to make me feel better -stop it! :) I know what my nose looks like and i'm fine with that, knowing i can do something about it (eventually). I want a rhinoplasty for the same reason as you guys: because i think it's ugly. It just so happens it looks this way because of someone else and sometimes it reminds me of that and i get upset. I don't expect the surgery to fix all my problems, it won't change anything but my nose, but i've worked hard to forget my past and stop getting angry and now i can go months without even thinking about it, but then when i rub my nose the wrong way, the physical pain and the sickening crunch brings it all back. I'm not expecting a miracle.

Anyway, enough of that. Bored with it.

The past few weeks, nothing much has changed. I'm still being harassed by MYA and i'm still poor. But i'm still working hard and doing my own little Private Investigations of sorts and i'm a bit closer to picking a surgeon or three to have a consultation with a little further down the line and i'm planning on making some morphs this weekend. I'll take some better photos of my nose now and upload them soon then share the morphs with you guys.

Thanks for reading,
Take care and good luck :*
Hi Matilda, thank you for posting your story. It takes some guts! I went through something similar, so you are definitely not alone. My father abused me physically as a child. When I was 10 he broke my two front teeth. I went through a lot with the injury over the years, wasn't happy with my smile, root canals, crowns, crowns that needed to be replaced. The injustice of having to pay to fix something that someone did to you. One has a painful reminder everyday, even though you try to forget it and carry a positive outlook. Your brain routes in loops of anxiety when you have a visual or physical reminder. I went through a lot of counseling, and a lot of dentristry to let go of that bag of negative poo! It can be done! Matilda, if someone offers to help you with paying for your surgery, you might consider accepting it. My mom helped me pay for my second set of crowns, and it got me feeling better, faster, having the issue resolved sooner than I could've done on my own. If someone feels the need to help you, allow them the beautiful gift of giving you the compassion that they yearn to use to do something good in this world. It is the way life balances out, you didn't break your nose, nor are you able to fix it on your own. (Even if you pay for it all yourself, thou shan't do thy own rhinoplasty!) I have an excited feeling that things are going to happen rather quickly for you, that your heart, your mind, and your nose will be healed, and that you will move forward in your life with new goals and dreams!
Reply
After being on RS for months now i am blown away by the amount of support and respect everyone has shown each other and myself. Your comment was one of the best and i am so thankful you took the time to comment and make my day! I'm genuinely happy for you that you are doing well after suffering abuse also and am blown away by your positivity and strength! I only wish someone could help me with this, i have been suffering nosebleeds recently and am terrified that my nose may end up collapsing, but i don't think i could live with myself if i took an offer like that, honestly. I don't really know a lot of people, of course i have no family in my life and it wouldn't even occur to them even if they could afford it. I fantasize that someone would help me and i could live happily ever after (at least with my nose) but it just doesn't look like it's even possible. But i am getting there, my frame of mind is changing and growing into something bigger and stronger everyday and i've discovered so much hop and motivation in myself that i know i can make this happen, and very quickly. Genuinely, your message meant the world to me, thank you so much!
Reply
*Hope, not hop, hehe
Reply

Moving forward!!!

So the past week or so something has happened to me. Slowly over the years i have been coming to terms with everything that's happened, having to fix what somebody else did to me, yadda yadda yadda. But more recently i seem to be getting my backside into gear. My fiance Craig and i have FINALLY decided to quit smoking. We figured out how much we were spending on our habit and realized we could be saving £370 a month! I tried to convert this into dollars for you but i'm having a stupid day and couldn't figure it out. On top of that, he's changing shifts at work which means he'll be getting paid more to work less! That's an extra £320 a month! I'm so excited i can barely contain myself!

Craig and i are writers (i guess) and he's doing movie work after dilly-dallying for like ever. I am finally turning my life into a book and i know that sounds really lame -cos it is- but i'm kind of making it into a comedy. It makes me laugh! But i'm glad i can finally laugh about my life instead of getting angry at feeling like a victim.

We've found some cheap flights over to the US for when we can book a consultation, so that's also good. I have my heart set on seeing Dr Cochran in Dallas for my surgery cos every review of him that i have read has been fantastic and every last photo of their new noses are PERFECT!

It's still going to be a while before anything happens, we have a fair bit of debt from when Craig was like 21 (he's 34 now) to pay off, but after that we're on our way! At least now we have a plan and we're being sensible, there is finally a light at the end of this tunnel!

I know i do this every update and it's probably getting old, but i do really want to thank everyone again for being so incredibly kind and supportive. It's nice that you're all putting a positive and encouraging spin on things instead of pitying me cos it's helping me stay positive and strong. In particular, thank you AriaD'Fontaine for knowing exactly how i feel without me even knowing myself.

I will of course keep you all updated, but i'm thinking when i actually book my first consultation i will write a separate review. I will get permission first of course, but in the build up to my surgery i don't want any negativity in that review, i want to keep it all positive like with everyone's comments below. I just think that this review so far has a lot of negativity in it (things i've written) and while i don't mind you all knowing that side of my life, i'd prefer to keep it separate from all my excitement.

Good luck everyone with your surgeries, happy recovery! :*
Sounds like you are on the right track! Keep in touch, my friend, for I care about your healing.
Reply
On the right track? What review were you reading? Hehehe :)
Reply
I just know everything will work out for you. I believe in you. I believe in your ability to overcome all. Always.
Reply

bad news

The very next day after i last updated my review, we got a bill for £67,000. Before we were in about £10,000+ of debt but we made a plan together to get through it and travel to Texas to get my nose fixed. I always said that i wouldn't pay so much money travelling back and forth to the States (a place we've ALWAYS wanted to go) and spend Lord knows how much on surgery unless we were financially stable enough that we wouldn't be left poor and back in debt afterwards. Then this happened.

£67,000 on top of what we're already paying out is just ridiculous and there's no way we can manage it. We booked an appointment with a debt specialist and thought he would just tell us that we could go bankrupt. That way our debts would be wiped out after a year and we could start again.

But thanks to D*ckhead Cameron, the Prime Minister that nobody elected, bankruptcy is just not what it used to be and we would end up worse off. Now we can either go the IVA route which will take 5 years to get through and will see us and my precious little girl hungry and only with the clothes on our backs, or we can make the mortgage (oh yeah, this was all cos of a mortgage we were kind of tricked into) company an offer of at least £5000 upfront and hope that they will accept it. Then of course we have to figure out how on earth to come up with that amount of money in such a short amount of time.

We have a month to decide what we're going to do, either way a rhinoplasty is out of the question for the foreseeable future...

I won't be on Real Self much cos of course it's heartbreaking. When there was a light at the end of the tunnel, your stories were soooooooo inspiring, but now i can't stand to look. I have been putting on a brave face, positive of what might have come out of this meeting today, but it has all fallen through and i'm devastated (as well as feeling incredibly bloody stupid for getting so excited).

I will never forget all the support i have received here though, you are all such beautiful people and -however dramatic and silly this sounds- you have all restored my faith in humanity with your kindness and support. I can't thank you all enough, you are wonderful people.

Maybe one day i will be back and have my consultation booked, but who knows. I'm just taking it as it comes now and trying not to get emotional and whatever, so...

My writing has even fallen through (and i LOVED it!!) cos i'm just not in the right frame of mind to carry on.

Good luck with all of your surgeries and recoveries and thank you all again. Bah-bye! :*
I'm just checking on you. Wondering how you're doing. Sending love and the magic to change your circumstances for the better!
Reply
I hope that one day you will come back with a story of success. I know how hard life can be. I have had the worst year I can imagine so I hope things get better for you.
Reply
Thank you, that means a lot. On the bright side though, you're looking great!
Reply
Was this review helpful? 4 others found this helpful