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JUST A WARNING if the way I write sounds weird or stiff, I apologize, english is my second language.

OK so... at 18 I went through my first rhinoplasty, I've always been subconscious about my nose, I have 4 sisters and they and my mother are really pretty, all of them have little feminine noses, but me..I luckily have my father's nose, so... not so pretty, it's big, round and not feminine at all. So at 18 I was really excited when I got my mother's permission to go through a rhinoplasty, I was young, stupid and blind from the excitement, I found the surgeon by myself, my mother gave me the money and permission but she didn't help me to look for the surgeon or wasn't with me either at the hospital, It was all me, and of course 18 year old girls filled with dreams of their beautiful new noses are easy to fool. So I found a surgeon, he filled me with this beautiful ideas of how my nose would look like after and I said yes and didn't look for any other surgeon.
My first nose job was painful as hell, and am not talking about physical pain but emotional pain. I'm sure all of you who have gone through this experience can relate, I DID NOT know what was I getting into, I DID NOT know that this experience was going to be a roller coaster of emotions. Even though I had my mother's financial support, I didn't have her emotional support and neither my sisters 's who had decided to applied me "the silence treatment" because they didn't support my decision, so I don't know if that had anything to do with my recovery being so hard but those recovery days, when I saw myself in the mirror, looking so gross, bruised, big and swollen I would start crying, and I knew that that wasn't how I was going to look but it was terrifying.
After those days when I went to the doctor's office to remove the cast I was so disappointed, I can't express the feeling I had when I saw myself. he stressed the fact that I was still swollen and my nose was going to change and be smaller but I didn't see a any major change! It was just as before but swollen.
I felt in depression, thinking that I was never going to be pretty, that it didn't matter if I went through several plastic surgeries I was going to be ugly all my life. It was a really dark time in my life.

My best friend was my life at that time, he helped me to get on my feet after that, he told me over and over that I was beautiful, etc , etc. and that I didn't need a surgery to begin with, he was with me through all of those ugly days when I didn't even want to get out of bed.

So a year went through and I was feeling better, still subconscious of my nose in photos but better, my self-stem was growing, I was feeling good, strong, etc. And in November of that year I decided to have a second nose job. And yeah... I'm stupid and please don't ask me why buy I went with the same surgeon... The recovery was good, not painful, except of the fact that in the same night of my surgery my throat almost closed and they had to put a tube inside, and I spend my recovery with a raspy voice. In the emotional sense I was stronger I knew, every time that I looked in the mirror that I was not going to end up looking like that, and I didn't spend every waking second looking at myself, so my recovery went smoother that the first time.
And then I went to take off the cast.. and... it was fine, my nose was smaller, not like I was expecting it to be, it was my same nose, just a tiny little smaller, I was a little disappointed but I was OK, like always I was subconscious of my nose in photos but I started looking for good angles where my nose looked good, I didn't like my 3/4 view of the left side of my nose, so I I always look to the left when taking photos, front view was kinda OK, but still I wasn't happy about the way I look.

Now 2 years have passed, I'm 21, I know better and I I found a really good surgeon, he was many positive reviews, I made an appointment with him and he showed me his works and I'm so delighted! We talked what I really wanted, he explained the risks since this my third nose job, it's not going to be an easy one, but I'm confident this surgeon is for me, I'm going to have my first open rhinoplasty, he is going to break my nose re-shaped it.

Now as the excitement has passed a little bit, I'm starting to get scared, now my change is going to be visible for people, (only my best friend and I noticed the change, not even my mother or sisters did) and I'm getting all this horrible nightmares where the surgery goes wrong and I spend my days in my room crying. But I know I know I know this is the right thing for me, it's just that it has become real again, I'm really nervous and I just want the time to pass so it's January and I'm completely recovered.

I created this account years ago, to read about other people's experience with rhinoplasty and It has helped me a lot! Since I swear to myself this is going to be my last nose job I decided that I could write about this and look for support, I'm still unsure if I'm going to upload pictures of myself, I'm a really private person and is just too scary to never be able to take off this kind of pictures or if someone I know in real life find this pictures. So for now I'm just going to left it like this and maybe if I get brave enough I'm going to upload some :).

Probably not many of you would read this boring picture-less review but those of you who did and leave some support words: thank you! Who knows maybe after all of this is over I will upload a before and after picture. I will keep writing as the days go through.
So take care! And good luck for all of you who have this anxiety feeling because your upcoming surgeries! :D