I'm Only Sorry That I Waited and Didn't Do It Sooner! - Chesterfield, MO
It was worth absolutely every penny! I feel like...
- 3 Jul 2012
It was worth absolutely every penny! I feel like myself again. The real me, not the eternally pregnant looking me! My feelings about my body in general have improved so much that I actually wrote about how I used to feel compared to how I feel now. If you have a big tummy that you hate, I'd be surprised if you can't relate to what I felt (below).
We have been at war for close to a decade now. The hate and disgust I feel pales in comparison to any other emotion I have ever felt. I close my eyes and imagine that it doesn’t exist. I tried to immerse myself in exercise, reading, healthy eating and peaceful thoughts. Hell even embrace it, thank it for the good things that it actually did for me, but in the end I can’t. It ruins everything I try, stands out and embarrasses me at every turn. It just won’t go away. Every time I look down, there it is mocking me. Standing like a concrete barrier that won’t recede. Although I can grab it with my hands, I can’t actually move it or throw it. Why you ask? Because it is a part of me, it’s my stomach. Or at least, what I thought was my stomach. After I wore today’s version of my Grandmother’s girdle and all that I got was horrible gas, resulting in further embarrassment and humiliation, I did some research and discovered that my internal organs were hanging out. Yes! My actual organs were pressing against a thin layer of skin and my abdominal organs were somewhere off to the side. How can that happen you wonder? Childbirth, specifically, multiple childbirth. So, while I was grateful that my twins were born healthy and beautiful seven years ago, I still look pregnant. People asked me when I’m due and I’m eating right and exercising like a son of gun! I would watch their eyes drift to my midsection and the silent question arise in their eyes, even if they wouldn’t actually utter the words. One person even had the nerve to reach out and grab my stomach, hold it in their hands and ask, ‘what is this?’.
You might think that insurance would cover the cost of exposed internal organs. If the organs of grown men were hanging out, they probably would, but nope not for women, that’s cosmetic! Like lipstick or blush, something you can do, but don’t need to because it’s extra like whip cream, but not essential. What happened is that instead of hating it, I began to hate myself. I stopped exercising because no matter what I did, there was no change in my appearance. Why set time aside to exercise and ruin my hair when I could sit on my butt, watch TV. and drink a glass of wine instead. The end result would be the absolute same.
This summer, I finally surrendered and called a cease fire. I had a tummy tuck and went ahead and threw in a little lipo for good measure. I figured I deserved it and I really wanted to feel like it was me when I looked in the mirror and not me and another entity sharing and fighting for space. The first couple of days weren’t exactly pleasant. I particularly hated one nurse who fussed at me until I got out of the bed to walk. The pain was akin to no other I had felt before, probably because I not only wanted this, I looked forward to it, talked about it, thought about it, dreamed about it, planned it for it, took time off for it, saved up for some of it and financed the rest of it! For the next 5 years, I be paying for this surgery, but I think that doesn’t even compare to the price I was paying in self hatred. Finally, I can see myself again and not just my protruding gut! I don’t want to be at war with my body, I want to be at peace with it, love it, embrace it and all that it has done and did for me. If you are a mom and have felt or do feel any of the things that I have, I hope that this helps you in some small way. I can now wear my actual size in clothing! I don’t have to buy a large or an extra large to make room for my big ole’ belly. If you are even considering doing this for yourself, go for it! I’m so pleased with the results and I attribute my results to the physician that I chose (Dr. Christian Prada).