“Surgery in 2 weeks! ”

Hi All, I'm hoping that by starting this account it will help me mentally through this process. A little background on me... I'm 35 and I have 18 month old twins. I've always been on the thin side- due mostly to a lot of nervous energy... and never had much on top. I didn't mind though, they were what they were and I thought I was proportional and fit and that's what mattered. I am 5' 5" and about 115 lbs.

When I was pregnant with my twins I carried all in front. My doctor said I measured at 11 months pregnant for a singleton. I carried my babies past full term for twins and overall I carried 12lbs of baby.

In addition to my giant stomach my boobs grew enormous (for me anyhow) I was an A cup before pregnancy, a B during pregnancy and a very full C when my milk came in. After I got done nursing and lost all of my baby weight the sight of my naked body was like a punch in the face. The skin on my stomach hangs and is covered in stretch marks and my belly button is now a half inny half outie. Very unattractive. My boobs are just as bad. The best word to describe them is “deflated”. If anyone ever told you that small boobs don’t sag they are lying.

To make matters worse I had to have a benign tumor roved from one of my breasts and it took them several attempts to remove it all. What’s left can only be termed “frankenboob”. All of this being said… I still try to keep fit but several doctors have told me that only surgery will repair my diastasis. It always irks me that if surgery is my only option, why doesn’t insurance cover it? But that is another blog for another website.

I went to have a plastic surgery consultation six months ago and got the mommy makeover lowdown, but because of my tumor removal I will have to go back in. I have an appointment next month and hope to schedule my surgery for June.

I have a lot of feelings about this… guilt for spending so much money… guilt for asking my mom to take time off of work to help me…guilt at being “out of commission” for so long for my kids… but at the same time I know that my depression over my appearance is not good for me or anyone else.

Here’s to the beginning of yet another transformation. I’ll let you know how the consultation goes.

Updated on 10 Dec 2011:
Well my consultation has been postponed until after the holiday. I can't wait. I'm so ready to get this done and be on the road to recovery. It's going to be so hard to wait until June for the procedure.

Updated on 31 Dec 2011:
I had my second consultation and was very relieved that the doc said she could fix the damage done by the multiple surgeries to my breast and that there wouldn't be any dramatic adjustments or fee increases. She was so great about answering all of my questions and really made me feel better about the recovery. I'm much more excited (and impatient) than nervous at this point. Now I have to find some patience for the next five and a half months...and some big money!

Updated on 24 Mar 2012:
Hi Everyone, well I've been obsessively reading the Real Self reviews for the past few days. It's 9 weeks until my surgery. A long time but not a long time. I'm really getting anxious about how I'm going to care for my kids. Even with the help I will have the first two weeks... no one does it like mom- ya know? I'm a tad type A (OK, I'm extremely type A) and I'm just so worried that everything that needs to get done won't. I'm worried about how I'm going to do once my husband goes back to work and it's just me and the kids again. I'm just worried I guess!

Another thing I'm thinking about and I've seen a few ladies on here that went through the same thing is- what if I don't like my new look? I went through all this pain and money and my kids had to suffer because mommy was out of commission and what if it's not worth it?? I remember how depressed I was after having my twins and looking in the mirror at my deflated breasts and sagging stomach and I felt like "whose body is this??" Will I feel that way again? All of these thoughts are running through my head but I know that I'm not happy with what I look like now. I still feel like I'm walking around in someone else's body. I know I can never have my pre-twin body back so I guess the only thing I can do is move forward and fix what I can. I'm feeling a little neurotic but also hopeful. I can't wait to shop. It's been two years since I've been excited to go shopping. I want to feel confident again.

Updated on 5 May 2012:
OK, only six weeks to go. I'm getting really excited. My kids have suddenly gone through a period where they are trying to do a lot more for themselves which makes me feel a lot more confident about undergoing the procedure. They have learned to climb in the stroller on their own, climb into their booster seats for dinner and they can easily get onto the couch etc. Of course I still need to be very close by in case of a potential tumble but I think it will really help not having to live them umpteen times a day up and down if I don't have to. One thing I am having trouble finding is a zip front sports bra to wear after surgery. I've read that they are good to have so it's easier to put on. One website I read said I might be able to find them at Target or Walmart but I've had zero luck. The only ones I've seen have been online and they are so expensive! I did by a Coobie bra so that I'd have something stretchy that I could wear until I know what my final size will be but that's not going to work right after surgery. I'll have to keep reading everyone's blogs to see if I can find any good info. In any case, I'm doing the count down. I've confirmed my pre-op and blood work appointments, I've lined up my help for two weeks after and I purchased a few groupons for house cleaning services. My husband is amazing but he is not a natural house keeper! As ridiculous as I feel having someone come and clean my house I know it will be easier in the long run for everyone. That's all for now... Oh, and when I get closer to the surgery I'll put some before photos. I can't bear to do it until I'm closer to fixing things :P

Updated on 26 May 2012:
OK, it's two weeks to surgery and I am freaking out! I have my Pre-Op in a week, the doctor has been paid and I've received my pre and post op instructions. This is really happening! I was day dreaming about shopping and feeling so excited but my excitement has turned to panic.

My new worry is that people at work will notice I had my boobs done. I'm going very subtle but I'm so flat right now I feel like I might as well be taking out a billboard that says "check out my new rack!". Also, I thought I had more time off right after surgery than I ended up with. I found out I have to be at some important meetings two weeks after surgery and I was intending on taking a little more time than that since I have a lot saved up. My husband is not helping matters. He keeps telling me that he doesn't know how he's going to take care of the kids and me and how stressed out he is! My mom is being really supportive though and just keeps telling me that I'll get through it and he'll get through it and the kids will get through it and I'll be so happy after. I'm grateful she's being so supportive. She's a very earthy type person and I really thought she might have issue with all of this surgery but she's really been great and held no judgment.

My goal next week is to get the courage to post some before pics- at least of this floppy belly. I know I'll be happy I did once I do the surgery. I'll post more after my pre-op. Thanks to all the ladies out there that have gone before me and allowed me to follow your journey. This site is a sanity saver!