Not looking back!

I have been lurking on this site since about May of this year. I was so delighted to stumble upon it! It has kept me up long hours in the night countless times, I will admit. It has opened up a world to me that would have been pretty inaccessible otherwise. I don't know very many people who have had cosmetic surgery other than my mother who got breast implants in the early 90s. I wasn't really ready to put myself out there quite yet--but with surgery in less than two weeks I needed to share/document what is going on in a less isolated manner because other than my mother, not many people in my life support me in this decision.

Like mostly everyone on here, I became aware of my larger nose around puberty. I distinctly remember sitting in class in middle school and high school turning my head away from people I had a crush on (among others) in fear they would see my profile and think I am ugly. I wish I could comfort that little girl now, how silly it was (I am MUCH more accepting of myself now). But at that age feeling accepted and pretty was very important at that time.

I never really obsessed over my nose. I actually avoided looking at it and just tried to focus on other features (it wasn't difficult as my profile is what I don't like most and who even sees that (other than photos, which I just avoided)). I use to wear a lot more make up to play up my eyes and lips to distract attention from my nose. But as I get older (I am 26 now), I enjoy wearing less make up and know I would feel a lot more confident with my naked face if my nose was a bit more in proportion to other features. Not to mention I still experience minor break outs and other skin imperfections (scars, unevenness, etc.) and in the process of using somewhat harsh prescription creams (which I will be using for probably many months to a year or more), I want my skin to be as natural and not irritated as possible (by not wearing make-up). Of course this is not my main reason for a rhinoplasty.

My reasoning…I just never liked my nose and can't change it through dieting and exercise. I have tolerated it, we've coexisted. I even got the thing pierced when I was 19. But throughout the years, I always swayed and landed in the "someday I HAVE to change this" pile. It's my dad's nose and I am not close with him/have little family pride in that regard. My nose also has the predisposition to become more and more droopy and larger with age (just looking at my parents I can see my aged nose).

A lot of the reason I chose to do it now is because I want to prevent my nose from further drooping and getting even more out of proportion with my aging face. The sooner the better because I can enjoy more of my life with a nose I am happier with. And I saved for a long time and do not have kids and am not married yet so spending the money more selfishly is okay by me. I just don't have the financial responsibilities I will with a family.

One thing I have struggled with most during this whole process is justifying it. I have always took care of myself (exercised, put fourth some effort to look my best), but never would consider myself excessively vain or superficial. To spend such an absurd amount for what many consider a minor enhancement, has made me question my values and morals. When I do have children, what do I tell them? "Do as I say, not what I do?" NO! How can I teach them to accept themselves the way they are when I can't do that myself? I have juggled anxiety and and depression for more than a decade and I fear that "giving in" to the "easy way out" (changing myself from the outside in, not the other way around) may make me feel disappointed in myself and contribute to my depression.

My boyfriend certainly does not help. He has said getting this procedure will impact our relationship in a very negative way. He will lose respect for me. He is a really nice, loving person, just very stern with his standards when it comes to vanity and being "fake." He always tells me he prefers me without make up. Weird, I know! Haha. He just values genuine and does not believe this surgery will make me feel better about myself. He said me wanting this is like me wanting to get my legs cut off, it feels as though I am taking something very fundamental away from my appearance.

I probably should have started writing sooner, as I haven't even gotten to my actual experience with consultations and what brought me up to this point with surgery in less than two weeks. I'll save it for another day!

But for now, I'd just like to know how others have coped with lack of support and maybe how they felt after surgery regarding depression and if their self esteem really improved. How mothers dealt with telling their children, especially if they were around puberty or in their teens. How their self-respect changed (if they were similar to me as in not investing a drastic amount of time and effort into their appearance).

In addition, I hope I can help others during this journey. Although I have a very minor hump, I am more concerned about the tip of my nose and I do not see a lot of people with a similar nose to mine on here. Maybe they are here and buried or don't post pictures because the alteration isn't as extreme as going from hump to no hump. Maybe people with noses like mine don't get nose jobs. Am I being petty? AM I CRAZY? I only told four people about it and my two closest friends don't understand why I want it done. It surprised me that they didn't notice. Can anyone say I WOULD benefit from a rhinoplasty? Even though saying it's not necessary is NICE, I need to know that it won't be a waste…because I do want it and want to hear, "I guess I could see how it could be improved…" Either way, I hope I can help others in need of support or knowing how the results will be with my particular nose.

When I started looking at surgeons in May, I lived in Michigan. The only doctor that appealed to me was Dr. Theodore Golden in Troy, MI. I set up a consultation but ended up moving to the pacific northwest and so I had to cancel. Looking back, he does very cute, "perfect" noses but every patient had the same nose. On his website, he had a picture of a mother and daughter with splints on their noses. That image didn't appeal to me. I guess in context it looks more natural that the mother and daughter had the same nose! After noticing all the noses he did were the same, thought this was good in the beginning stages of my research. At least he is predictable! He only did closed rhinos and I thought that was better because it was less invasive. And I thought, he must be good because he can do it basically without seeing what he is doing. But it turns out, it obviously really limited him from doing a variety of noses and making the noses really compliment other features on the face. So it's probably best that didn't work out. Reviews online sounded good and I do wish I could have at least met him but it wasn't meant to be I guess.

My first actual consult was three hours away from where I moved to the west coast. Dr. Naficy in Bellevue. I didn't actually meet him, but a patient care coordinator (I think that was the title), because it was free. Since that was my first consult, I didn't want to say goodbye to any money quite yet. Plus it was all new territory (literally and otherwise) and quite honestly, very weird and nerve-racking for me. The staff was really great – especially the patient coordinator Julie, who I met with. She was really approachable and kind. It was a successful first consult. I had like, three pages of questions I thought up and got some from online and she answered almost all of them (some only the surgeon could answer). Because I had drove all that way, she went ahead and took pictures for the doctor to make simulations from. Because I hadn’t went to any other offices, I wasn’t really able to put this first appointment in perspective. But then…
My second (free) consult was later that day with Dr. Ridgway at The Larrabee Center. As with the first office did, I felt generally uncomfortable walking in, feeling judged by anyone who happened to be in the same building, the flies on the wall, the plants. I felt just so out of place amongst the people in the waiting room. I feel like I spent a lot of time at his office, he was very talkative and added a lot of unnecessary information when answering the questions I was asking. But he had an air of arrogance to him I was not fond of. It wasn't mere confidence, but just....he tried too hard to make me believe in him which made me wonder, what is he trying to compensate for? There was that and then when I asked him to show me past patients before and afters, he got kind of weird about it and said yeah...but then when he went to go fetch it, he came back and said he didn't have one or something. Honestly, I don't remember it very clearly but he did/ said something weird and he left the room to get it and then told me I couldn't look at it due to his duty to "protect the privacy" of patients. So I kindly thanked him for his time and went on my way.
My boyfriend was with me for both consults. He was pretty quiet the first one, and the second one he asked questions. I liked this, like he was getting involved in it. But afterwards, he said going to the consults made him even more against it. We fought a lot on the drive home and I broke down crying. And he thought that was the end of that! Ha! Little did he know...
A week or so later I got the simulations from Dr Naficy's office and it was so bizarre seeing a different nose on my face. I have never manipulated my own photos or anything...so it was the first time seeing any possibility of noses. It looked nice but I wasn't sure it was quite right--especially the front view. It seemed unnatural looking and just...forced? I e-mailed the patient coordinator my questions, she forwarded it to the doctor and he replied a short response and concluded for further discussion, I'd have to schedule a consultation with him. Shucks! I really wanted to put-off paying anything! But after thinking about it every day, losing sleep, really not letting go, I decided I'd drop the $75 for a consultation with him (which could go towards surgery).
A month or two later, I made a consultation with Dr. Naficy. When it finally approached, I was having a hard time finding the time to drive to his office (6+ hours total driving there and back), so I changed it to a phone consultation. I felt like there was so much hype about him, talking to people in his office, e-mails the wonderful but intoxicating internet...to finally hear his voice was so relieving. He was nice, answered my questions but it got kind of awkward toward the end. I didn't blame him, as I am generally a pretty awkward person. So he didn't lose my faith despite a little mutual uncertainty how to smoothly close a phone conversation. So...err...uhhh...bye now! Haha.
I told the patient coordinator I was talking to that I'd like to talk to past patients. She quickly put me in touch with a girl (I found out was) my age, had my values, my lifestlye and we spoke on the phone and texted. After this conversation, I was so ready to make my pre-op appointment and surgery date! I just needed a dash of support since it was lacking it in the boyfriend area! At this point I hadn’t told my mom that I was going to do it for sure.
I would say I am kinda a very thorough person. Just wanted to admit that.
So last week was my pre-op and it was very formal. Talked paperwork, how to prepare, expectations, etc. And I finally met the surgeon in person! It went well...we talked about my expectations, his. But it was a lot to take in. In a relatively short time (three months) I had my first consultation ever and am scheduled for surgery. I, inevitably, am a bit shocked. Waiting isn't ideal because I hadn't found (okay, looked for) a job in my new area yet and have had a long enough time to be idle and make myself crazy! Once I am back on my feet, resumes will be flying. I just knew I wanted this and didn't want to start a new job and ask for a week off for voluntary surgery.
Okay, now that we have excuses out of the way, back to the first time meeting my doctor. He asked me what my priorities were as far as things I'd like changed. After my first complaint (tip projection), it's not easy to really articulate things in accurate order...anyway, I didn't feel satisfied we were on the same page. I realized later I want to hear it from him what I want. He is a good listener but I want to know what he envisions for my nose, which is only capable of so much.
Today I talked to a staff member and she read the notes he wrote during our meeting. They were spot on, but I still would like to have better visuals…..I guess I am still worried about my front view. I am sure it will look normal/adequate but I just don’t want to feel this cloudy sensation.
Last weekend with my nose! I can’t believe this is happening. Any time my boyfriend brings it up there is major tension. We basically just avoid talking about it. I just worry once it’s over and I have a splint on my face and super uncomfortable, he may treat me poorly and unaccommodating telling me, “You did this to yourself, IT WAS A CHOICE!” I can hear him now… ugh. I’ll probably write updates frequently and pretend you all are my wonderful boyfriend listening to my complaint and feelings. Thanks in advance!