43 Year Old Mom with 2 Kids, Saying Goodbye to GG.

I have been waiting my whole life for this. I don't remember ever being a small breasted woman. I got boobs early in 4th grade! By the time I was in high school I was DDD and I was pretty known around campus. I found a way to cope by making fun of myself and having a sense of humor about them but I only created more of an identity for myself that way. I've been compared a lot to Marilyn Monroe most of my life: curvy, bubbly, blond and perky.
My weight has always been a struggle, but that is another story. I am super healthy, eat organic vegetables and lean protein, no carbs, no fat, and I'm still very curvy.
My highest was after my pregnancies. I reached 240lbs and my breasts grew to HH. Breast feeding only made it worse. The more I nursed, the bigger I got. I gained 4lbs a week until I quit. In the last 7 years weight loss has been slow, but I've taken off nearly 80lbs. I got down to 160, but couldn't seem to lose that last 25. Then because I had so much back pain I couldn't work out and run as much as I used to. I've gained 10 lbs and can't seem to take it off. Hoping this surgery will make it easier for me to start running again. I decided to do it this her because my neck and shoulder pain was at an all time high.
My surgery is in 4 days and I've been going through a wide range of emotions from giddy to terrified. Excited to finally be able to buy a bathing suit! And excited to see the difference on camera. I do many TV appearances and I often feel like my boobs over power me. Like it doesn't matter how charming or great my performance is, it's all about my boobs. Such a distraction from my message.
On the other hand, I feel emotional like I am cutting off a part of myself. I've always been identified as a big breasted curvy woman. Worried that my belly - which had never gone away since pregnancy no matter how many crunches I do!--- will protrude and look more prominent.
I had blood work done yesterday and the woman missed my vein. I started sobbing uncontrollably. I was so embarrassed and was shocked myself at the flood gates that opened. I guess I just have to be honest with myself about how nervous I am. Only 4 days away!!

Had to talk through all these unexpected emotions with my therapist today. I have no hesitations about getting the surgery at all. But there is a sadness about saying goodbye to a former part of myself. I haven't loved this current body because it causes me pain and it's a real challenge finding clothes that fit. But it's a body I know. I don't know what a new body or shape will be like for me, and I'm still really scared about all the repercussions. I already know that weight loss is virtually impossible for me. I'm one of those weird mystery bodies that can't shed unwanted pounds no matter what I do. I've worked hard to accept it -- but I can't shake the feeling that once my breasts are smaller I'll have to make peace with all my other parts all over again. Big belly, big arms, etc. Will those imperfections take the place of defining me when my breasts are no longer the biggest part about me?
I covered my last red carpet interview at a pre- Grammy party last night and I was so aware of how uncomfortable my body is to live in. I am all cinched in everywhere, can barely breath, people always accidentally bumping into my breasts in tight spaces, provoking me to make a joke to help them feel at ease "oh, don't worry about it. They are EVERYWHERE so it's virtually impossible not to run into them" as if they have their own identity and personality. All I kept thinking was this is the last time I'll have to go through this. Next time, I'll have to find another thing to have a sense of humor about. Next time I'll be able to move more freely. Next time it'll be easier to find a dress. Next time it will just be better. I hope. I hope.
3 more days. I'm confirmed for 9am check in on Monday. No turning back now!

Just to document the last time I will feel this big on a red carpet again!