I am 45 years old and although I was generally...
I am 45 years old and although I was generally happy with the way I look, there were a couple of things that were bothering me about my appearance. One was the folds on my upper eyelids that made me look a little tired and felt heavy to me and the other was that my nose was a little crooked. I began looking into plastic surgery to see if I could improve on what I already had. I held to the belief that having surgery would give me a boost in confidence that I needed, especially since I was really self conscious about my nose. I had had a previous rhino about 10 years ago to correct a deviated septum, but over the years my nose became a little crooked again. I found this site and started looking at the pictures and the stories of surgeries and I it was nice to hear all the people sharing their experiences on there. It made me feel that the things I wanted were going to be pretty easy to obtain and so many of you had gone through similar surgeries. Most people on this site had success stories, or at least that is what I was focusing on. I scheduled my surgeries and waited for October to come. Date of surgery came and went and I seemed to be recovering pretty well. I was not in a lot of pain, but as time went on I kept on wondering when I was going to like what I see in the mirror. I knew enough to realize that there is substantial swelling and from the information on this site, I know that you are supposed to wait at least 3-6 months or up to 1 year to be able to tell what the final results will look like. Whenever people freak out the doctors are saying be patient, wait a year, it's just swelling yada yada yada. But, I cant help but think is it really going change that much month to month? Isn't it pretty much going to look like what it does now but with very minor variations and some shrinkage? As it stands now, I am 6 weeks post op and I cannot stand the way I look, so how is it going to get better in a year? Every morning when I look in the mirror, I get sick to my stomach when I see my reflection. I get out of bed dreading having to go into the bathroom. I have lost 20 pounds in the past 3 weeks because I can't eat and I am afraid to go out in public because when I do people give me the weirdest looks. I have never felt so ugly in my life. I feel like I paid someone $10, 000 to make me uglier than I was before. I am beside myself and feel so hopeless. I think I need more surgery to correct what was done to me and the thought of having more surgery depresses me even more. I can't afford it financially or emotionally at this point. But at the same time, I know I can't live my life like this and I don't know what else to do. I have lost all hope right now. I have no interest in even leaving the house. I am actually scared to be around people, because I get such strange stares and some people avoid eye contact completely. I am so miserable. I have recently started taking anti-depressentats just so I can function day to day. I wonder every day, what am I going to do? How do I learn to live like this? Am I stuck with this new identity? When I look at my face, I can't figure out if it is my eyes that make me look weird, or my nose. My eyes appear sunken in to the orbits, and they are a weird round shape, like saucers. My nose seems too high and very straight…almost too straight for my asymmetrical face. I don't think it matches me and it doesn't look like what I used to look like at all. I just wanted minor changes and didn't expect the outcome was going to be to not recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror. All over this site it says wait a year for the swelling to go down, before you get upset, but really I don't think it's going to change this much at this point. Most of the stories I read on here people basically like what they see when the cast comes off and it keeps getting better and better every day they say. For me it is not getting better and better, it is staying the same. I has not been good, not even one day. I really don't like what I see. In a year am I going to suddenly like the refection? Will it change so much from how it is now? I highly doubt that. At this point, I just want to be happy with what I see in the mirror, and don't want to feel my stomach churn when I see my reflection. I was ok with how I looked before and only wanted a couple of tweaks to better what I already had. Now I feel like I have a completely different face. My eyes look positively creepy to me especially from a distance, where they really sink into my skull. It's hard to notice close up, but when its from a distance it's spooky. Sometimes I see my reflection in a store window and I scare myself. It's like a stranger staring back at me. I don't know what to do or how to live in such misery. I was a happy person before these surgeries and was always told how happy and positive I was and what a beautiful smile I had….now I am so afraid that I will have to live with this face forever and it scares me and depresses me. If I were to get revisions do you think the best improvement would be to my nose or eyes? I've been doing a lot of research on revision eye surgery and most suggest fillers, but I don't want to have to continually inject those into my eyes. It's expensive and I would like something permanent. As for my nose, I would like it to have more of a slope and up turned tip to make me look more feminine. I guess that is part of the problem, I feel my face has become more masculine looking and I wish it to be more feminine. Any comments would be appreciated.
It's been 10 months...
4 Sep 2015
11 months post
It has now been 10 months and all I can say is I feel exactly the same as I did six weeks out. My face does not look any better or worse since the quote unquote swelling has gone down. Someone on this site told me that if you don't like your results right away, then it will not get any better. Waiting a year doesn't make it any better. It's just a way for surgeons to put you off so you will get used to your face. It makes me a little sick when I read about someone on this site concerned or unhappy with results and doctors are all saying to be patient and it is just soon to tell what the final results will be. That is simply not true. I wish I could comment on those forums. I would say the truth from personal experience. If you are unhappy with how your face looks after the surgery, it is not going to get better in 12 months. I have managed to get through the last 10 months, somehow, but I am still having trouble going into public places without severe anxiety. It is so sad, because I was never like that before! It's the looks on people's faces after they look at me. They literally laugh (sometimes out loud) when they look at me. Some are polite and kind of turn their head, but the smirk is still there. I will NEVER get used to that. As a woman, it is completely crushing and devastating! How do I tell people this is happening to me without appearing crazy? I have gone to counseling and the counselor told me they probably weren't even laughing at me. She told me to go ask the person what is so funny. Really? There is no questions that the laugh is in my direction. I do not need to clarify that with anyone. And since it happens several times a day, there is now question in my mind that something about the way I look is making people laugh. I had these surgeries to improve on what I have and not make things worse. I never dreamed I would look worse than before. I have not received one compliment on my looks since this surgery 10 months ago. Not even one! Even people who know I had the surgery haven't said a positive thing about it. Not a one!!!! How is that for spending 10 grand to look and feel better. I am so beyond devastated by this whole ordeal and it scares the heck out of me if it can't be fixed. I have contacted some revision docs and it is making me more scared because of the different answers I get. I don't want to do this anymore! But then I think how hard each day is right now and I can't imagine it being this way for the next 30 years. I just want to look like my old self again....I am praying for a solution. When I feel okay with myself I will post pictures again...I hope that day comes soon.
Time for a final update.
I wanted to post an update since it has been 14 months since my three surgeries. I also wanted to be fair and post the name of the surgeon that I used, not to bash him in any way, but to be fair to all of you who have asked. I have thought a lot about all of this over the last year and I have come to the conclusion that I do not blame the surgeon for this, I can only blame myself. This was my choice. I have had self esteem issues for as long as I can remember hence that is why I thought I needed to get three surgeries at once (which I would never recommend to anyone and I wish I had been counseled out of doing it in the first place, but too late for that). I simply did not need the surgeries like I thought I did. In my opinion and in hindsight, I was way more attractive before I had anything done. I don't think I had a clear objective going into this and I took the surgeries too lightly thinking a few tweaks here and there would create a nice improvement. I just wanted to be a little prettier. There was nothing really wrong with my nose other than it was bulbous and a little crooked, but nothing horrendous. My eyes had extra skin, that I felt made me look tired, but if I had I known that removing that skin would cause them to look hollow and spooky, I would gladly have kept it because it gave me a soft, kind and friendly look and made my face more warm. I did not consider that changing certain aspects of my face might create new aspects that were less appealing. For instance, taking away the wide bulbous part of my nose now made the nose too narrow and thin for my round face. That with the hollow eyes I now look like a bird with a small beak. The one aspect of the nose I could not stand was the radix graft that was put in. That is something that I did not know anything about and I think it made me look so odd! I wish he had never put that in there and had at least told me he was going to do that. I would not recommend a radix graft EVER! Last week I went through another rhinoplasty (different surgeon) to try to recreate my old nose and get back to where I feel comfortable. I still have the cast on and it's hard to say if I'm going to like the results or not, but I just so badly want to look like myself again. It scares me to think that the old me is gone forever and it really makes me so sad that I chose to do this to myself. If only we could turn back time…..
Some pictures from before
These are pictures of me before I decided to change my face. I wish I could turn back time and still have the thousands of dollars that I've spent in the last two years trying to correct the surgery with Dr. Kaniff.
After surgery with Dr. Kaniff Oct. 2014 rhino and upper bleph
This is what I looked like after the surgery with Dr. Kaniff when my life changed and I lost ever bit of confidence I ever had. I haven't truly smiled since.I still don't know exactly what it is that is making me unhappy about the results, but something does not look right. Dr. Kaniff put in a radix graft, and a shield graft in the tip all from ear cartilage. Whatever he did, It really threw things off in the balance of my face. I have since had the radix graft removed, but it is still not right. Something happened after that surgery that changed the angle and shape of my nose so that it does not fit the shape of my face anymore. I've had two revisions since then and can't' get things to where they need to be…..it's still not right. I give up. I live with regret every day.
Second revision with Dr. Most Palo Alto
I decided to seek out an expert this time. I found Dr. Most who is head of plastic surgery at Stanford Medical Center. I had the radix graft removed as that was my main concern. I also asked to have the shield graft removed, but Dr. Most said that it would make it look worse and it would have no support. He said he would adjust it so that it would look better. I listened to him and hoped for the best…after all he is the expert not me. I knew right away when the cast was taken off that it still didn't look right. Very discouraged at this point. Just wanted that shield graft out
Revision with Dr. Hamilton Sept. 2016
I knew I wanted the shield graft out and my bridge still seems off….not sure if it's too high or if it's too straight for my face. My nose looks like a short little stick and slants down in an unflattering way. I want it curved and more feminine. My face used to look feminine, now it just looks strange to me. I found Dr. Hamilton and decided to go to him for my (hopefully) final revision. I really like the way he does tip revision and I thought his noses looked very feminine. He also has a lot of experience and I felt very comfortable with him when I had my consultation. He agreed that my bridge was too high and the radix area needed some refinement. He also agreed to remove the shield graft yay! He said it was unnecessary. Everything he said to me, I agreed with. It's now been 6 weeks since that surgery and I'm not sure what to think. I know my nose is very swollen since I've had numerous surgeries in a short amount of time, so I am giving it time. It's just at this point I think I should be happier. It's really hard to give up years of your life waiting for this swelling to go down so you can feel normal again. After the surgery with Dr. Kaniff and DR. Most I waited the full year after each surgery for the final results and swelling to go away. Throughout the whole year I never once felt happy about the way I looked so I don't know what to tell you about that. I guess some people go from hating the way the look after cast removal to being happy, but that wasn't the case for me. Nothing changed in such a drastic way that I was like "oh, so that what's been hiding under that nasty swelling". Nope it pretty much looked the same all along. So now I will wait yet another year of my life to see if this nose will somehow go with the rest of my face. Honestly, I just want to feel like my old self again. I really miss being comfortable in my own skin. My bridge still seems too high for my face and I just don't know about the tip still, but I can see and feel the swelling there.
Is there a doctor out there who can give me my face back?
Is there anyone out there who knows proper aesthetics of the face? I am so discouraged at this point. I have sought out the best and still suffer from the same issues. Maybe too much has been taken off my nose and there is not enough left to work with. I don't know. I swear I think it is all about the angle of my nose. I am tired of trying to figure this out and thought I was paying thousand of dollars for expertise….to someone who could help me get out of this nightmare. that I can't seem to escape.