I Hate That It's Called a "Pannis", and I'm So Ready to Be Rid of It! - Pennsylvania, PA

You think I'm going to write about my hopes and dreams, right? Nope, those aren't the aspirations I'm thinking of. I'm thinking of the needle variety, where you go in to the PS's office, he injects you with lidocaine, and then takes out a horse-sized needle, tells you this shouldn't hurt, and goes ahead and pulls 40, 50, 60, sometimes even more than 100 cc of fluid from around your incision. Thing is, that slowly sensation is returning to the area, and at some point, it is probably going to hurt.

It seems as if my life is all about needle aspirations these days. I live from aspiration to aspiration. For the past two weeks, I've gone every Tuesday and Thursday. That means that Tuesday and Wednesday I feel great. Thursday I feel great. But then, there's the whole long weekend. The kiddos are home, they have activities to get to. Hubby's work schedule has been crazy, so he's not been able to pick up any of the chauffeuring duties, and so here I am, Tuesday, waiting until 12:30 so that I can drive to the PS's office to get aspirated once again.

I am incredibly swollen right now. My belly is trying to be flat, but really, with all that fuid in there, I feel pregnant. Very pregnant. Like 8 months pregnant. And I know I'm not pregnant because I don't believe in immaculate conceptions. I'm also wildly premenstrual right now. My cravings for salt and chocolate are out the wazoo. My mood swings are crazy. And, I'm retaining fluid everywhere, not just around my scar. I'm not a happy camper.

I'm having trouble keeping my morale up, faith that I will be happy 6 months from now. I keep noticing all the other parts of me that I don't like. I never had fat arms. But now I have fat arms. I never had squishy calves. Now I have squishy calves and cankles, to boot. I feel like I've just gone downhill in the past 8 years.

Since I'm venting, might as well keep going. I don't like where I live. I'm an urban mouse living in the suburbs. I hate the suburbs. I have ADD and am very easily bored, even with medication. I didn't know I had ADD until very late. And I didn't know that ADD is basically a disruption of the brain's reward system. The dopamine receptors aren't doing their job well enough, so the person with ADD is constantly seeking stimulation. For girls and women with ADD, this translates into a constant need to eat something. While boys or men with ADD/ADHD might appear hyperactive, or risk-seeking, for some women, it's food. I wish I had caught this sooner in myself. Now, any time I have a patient who struggles with binge eating or weight issues, I screen for ADD right away. Many are helped immediately by appropriate medication.

I really hope this seroma business resolves itself soon. I'm worried that aspiration is going to start being more painful. And hell, I'd like to start feeling well again. There are moments where I'm even starting to regret my decision to get this surgery to begin with. I don't want this to be the new normal.

Went in to the PS office this morning for my second needle aspiration. The first time was two days after losing my drains, and he pulled 80cc. Today, 5 days since the last aspiration, he pulled 60cc. I feel like he could have pulled more, but didn't. I go back Thursday for more aspiration.

I have been feeling especially defeated today, like this body weirdness was now going to become the "new normal", that there was no end in sight to the swelling and fluid retention. A colleague of my hubby's who'd had the same exact procedure by the same exact PS texted me asking how I am and I told her I was questioning my having gotten myself into this insanity. She called me right away, realizing that I needed a pep talk.

She told me she had the same exact thoughts at the same exact time as me. And she reassured me that things do get better. She is now 4 months PO, and is only just starting to feel like it was all worth it. She also encouraged me to start watching what I eat, which hasn't been easy in the past 4 weeks since surgery because I've been home-bound and couch-bound and stressed out and not wanting to put myself on dietary restrictions to boot. But I guess that, too, will have to figure into this process if I want the best possible results.

Saturday marks one month PO for me, so I've got quite a while to go before I can feel like my new self.

Hey there everyone! It's the Michelin Man with the flat tummy here! Yep. The swelling has started, as if right on cue! Drains come out. Swelling starts.

I'm comforted only in the knowledge that this is all a normal part of the process, that it isn't just me, but pretty much a universal phenomenon.

I asked the nurse who took out my drains on Tuesday what I can do to reduce the swelling. She said not very much. Some days will be better than others. Over the course of the next 6 months to a year at some point the fulcrum will shift, and the good days will start outnumbering the bad days, and things will get better from that point on. The take away for me was that it's going to get worse before it gets better, so settle in and ride each wave as it comes.

I go to my PS's surgery center this afternoon for my first needle aspiration. I don't mind it, since I'm told you can't even feel it, since all is so numb down there still. But the relief is tremendous afterwords.

So, as I see it, for the next several months, it's all about comfy, stretchy clothes and patience, kind of like being pregnant all over again. I'm so glad I discovered Angelrox a year ago. Roxi Suger, a real angel, if you ask me, designs clothes from these deliciously soft, stretchy natural fabrics in wonderful colors and patterns. The seams are on the outside, so nothing cutting into your delicate post-op skin. The pieces she designs are versatile and made to work together. I especially love wearing her "hourglass" underneath my binder. If anyone is interested in seeing her stuff, look at her website: angerlox.com

Off to start my day. Will be back to write about the needle aspiration experience.