Excited to Be Free Again - Nashville, TN

6 years ago I suddenly had the money to get implants, and although I had absolutely no problem with my natural A cups, I thought to myself - well, i have the money now, I probably won't have it in the future, so why not? I wanted implants in the same way I would have wanted a fancy dress: it's pretty, I can afford it, so why shouldn't I buy it? I was 19 then and I'm 25 now, and, like most people, I've changed into a completely different person since then.

I don't need D cups to feel sexy - I didn't even need it back then - and after 6 years of trying to feel sexy with the implants, I'm not going to do it anymore. I felt sexier before because I could lounge around naked with a boyfriend and not worry about what position I was in and if the rippling was visible. I got rippling about a year after the implants, and when I'm in any position other than upright with my arms down, it's pretty obvious. You can feel the implants on the undersides of my breasts no matter what position I'm in. The right one, as you can see in the photo, dropped about an inch lower than the left one just a few weeks after surgery. It's more obvious when I lift my arms. So I tried to do a topless photoshoot, the photographer kept telling me to lift my arms above my head, you know, that sexy pose that everyone does that usually makes your breasts look awesome - but for me it just makes my breasts look deformed because there's an extra ridge on the bottoms. When I'm lying on my back, they're as hard as rocks.

Basically whenever I'm topless around anyone, I have to constantly try to hide all of these things. I've become self-conscious about it, obviously. Before my implants I loved being topless, I would have done it all day in public if it were legal, haha. But with the implants I dread that people are going to notice these various weirdnesses and it consumes my thoughts.

I know that there are possible weirdnesses that will appear after explant, but at least I won't have hard objects in there anymore. I may have loose skin, but at least I'll be able to lift my arms up without looking like an alien. I won't have to hide anymore, I can be my authentic self and not worry about others' judgements about what I've chosen to do to myself.

Cosmetic issues aside, this is mostly about my health. When I was 19, I was invincible!! I knew that you have to get them redone every 10/15/20 years, but what did I care, I was invincible! Now at 25 I live in fear every day of rupture, capsular contracture, or other complications that would lead to an emergency. What if I'm spending a few months in Europe when it happens? What if I'm on a week long camping trip hundreds of miles away from a PS? Every day I dread waking up and seeing that rupture. I know that at this point I'll have to have at least one more surgery, so I want to make it an explant instead of replacing them, which would mean that I'd be looking at yet another surgery in another 10 years. I want it to be over.

For the last 2 years I've been having shooting pains in both breasts that are really scary. When it first started happening, I was in Germany, so I went to my regular doctor there and he did a blood test and stuff to check for infections, and he said everything was fine, and that the implants will sometimes give you those pains for no reason. It felt like I was being stabbed in both breasts several times a day. I figured out after a while that it was less frequent if I didn't wear a bra. So since then I never wear bras, except for loose sports bras if I'm exercising in public and don't want to scandalize people with too much bouncing. But even without wearing a bra, the pains crop up once in a while, and it's scary. I am done with this fear, I want to be free of it.

I have only one possible sleeping position - on my back. I can spoon with my partner for about 10 minutes and then I need to get on my back. I can't get a massage for more than 15 minutes because lying on my stomach is horribly uncomfortable. I used to enjoy 90 minute massages and even fall asleep during them sometimes, and now I lie there in pain for 15 minutes and have to stop.

I've been emailing surgeons in my area and I set up my first consultation for June 13th. I'm so excited. I hope i don't have to have a lift too, but if that's the case, then so be it. I am so ready to move on.