Growing into my best body. TT and BR

I am a 29 year old mom of 2 and I have spent all of my adult life at least 100 pounds over weight. So I decided that I was ready for a change, a big change. I committed to not only eating only the best foods for my body but I began a work out regime and got a personal trainer. After a year I am down 80 pounds, I am still continuing to lose and once I am post op I'll lose another 70 or so.

With a weight loss this dramatic there is flab and skin that must be removed. However my surgical journey got its start because my 34 HH boobs are killing my back when I stand I work (as a nurse). I decided that even though I am completely terrified of surgery I was gonna commit to a full breast reduction and tummy tuck.

So here I am about 2 week pre op, roaming the Internet late at night seeking the comforting words of strangers to help assure me of everything from was it worth it to how bad was the pain.

My big concerns are (the possibility of dying on the table) the pain afterward is a huge concern for me (so feel free to tell me the truth there). I am worries about a long recovery and I really want to be on my feet and ready to go by week 4.

How did you stay calm before surgery? Was the pain worse than natural childbirth?

I have a unique sort of double roll belly.... One roll above the belly button and then the usual hanging yuck below. If anyone had this kind of tummy, I'd love to see you after pics. Give me down hope and all.

I look forward to talking about this journey together.

So I went shopping at Victoria's Secret for the first time in my LIFE... At age 29 I have never shopped for a bra in a "regular store". I have always had to do my shopping at specialty stores that carry small band sizes and HUGE cup sizes. I am a 34 HH and when I breastfed my kids I got upto a 38KKK. At one point I was scared I would have to start shopping at Honda for a car bra! So anyway I am in VS looking at all the tiny little pretty people bras and trying to imagine what my cup size will be in 2 weeks after my TT and BR. So I settled on a 34 D with the help of some bemused VS staff (obviously sizing up my more than ample cleavage and wondering why I wasn't shpping at Dominion lumber and Steel rather than in the pretty scanty panty boutique). I chose the cutest little underwire free polka dot number and suddenly some of my overwhelming fear about my surgery started to calm and turn to a lovely excitement about my soon to be fabulous body. I can suddenly imagine shopping for 2 piece bathing suits and perhaps not feeling like a freak when I go into a "normal" clothing store. I went from a size 24 (as a plus size model so I have always retained my curves) down to a current size 13 (pants). I walk past all the fun stores in the mall still, as I think the usual "there is nothing for me there" or "I wonder what the largest size they carry is". Losing 80 pounds has changed my body, but has it changed my mind? I wear the experienced skin of a person who has struggled with their weight, stretch marks, excess skin, rolls in places there should be no rolls. so my TT is 13 days away, and tonight I think I am starting to feel ready. my next step is to work up the courage to take some before photos and post them. I may need a glass of wine for that kinda nonsense.

T minus 24 hours to my surgery and my anxiety level is rising to defcon 3. I am all packed for my 2-3 day hospital stay and I have shopped for groceries, made arrangements for my kids, and purchased all supplies I think I may need. I woke up many times last night with a racing heart and a feeling of panic. I keep reminding myself that I chose this surgery to improve my life. While I am fearful if the risks and postoperative pain and scars, I am hopeful that soon this will be one of the most positive changes I had made.

So what to do today to distract myself and prevent panic? Clean? Go out for the afternoon? TV?

I just wish there was a way to know exactly how I'll look and feel afterward. I need a bear hugs worth of reassurance right now.

I will post again soon, as much as I can in the new couple of days.

Holding my breath to be on the other side.