32 Years Old, Athletic Build - Los Gatos, CA

I'm feeling nervous right now. I have an appointment scheduled on my birthday. I've wanted to do this for years, but hesitate due to fear. To be honest, I'm afraid of the pain, something going wrong, and not getting to exercise. I'd really love to hear some encouragement. I'm scheduled for 350ccs, gummy bears, texture.

Today, I went for a second sizing appointment and it went okay. I am wondering if 350 or 400 cc size would be best. The assistant who saw me both times, now thinks I'll like the 400 more since it will be under the muscle, which will cause for a 10% loss in volume. Opinions? I'm an athletic 135 lbs. I want to keep an athletic look, but have that womanly shape too. I'd love feedback.

This week was tough on me emotionally. I had a sizing appointment on Monday and now I'm wondering if 400cc gummy bear implants are the right size? Prior it was 350cc. I don't want massive [RS bleep], but I do want a full C to small D cup. I don't want them to be giant because I am an athlete, but I still want that curvy look. Anyhow, the guy that I'm seeing has been super supportive and wants to help me out. The operation is scheduled for the day before Thanksgiving, my birthday. I did this because then I don't have to miss tons of work, and what an awesome gift. Well, on the boyfriend tip...he's been acting a fool and we nearly broke up. I have no family and asking a friend for help on such a weekend isn't really practical. Scary! So I asked my mom, who lives in Reno, and she said "no." Straight up! I cried. And she had one years ago, so I thought this could be a good bonding opportunity for us. My mom has actually never been there for me beyond words if you know what I mean. Needless to say, this whole operation is bringing up heavy [RS bleep] for me: emotional wounds that I need to deal with are arising.

Then last night, I read this post by this amazing woman on this site, and she inspired me. She reminded me why I was doing this. This isn't for anyone but me. On a feminist platform it is profound, because it is all about choice for bettering my self-confidence and sexual connection to my inner divine. It's part of the transformation that I've been working through over the past several years. It's powerful and positive. It's showing me that I deserve to be whole self I imagine and know. Will people judge or not understand? Sure. People judge everything. And as far as the boyfriend, well I realized that a lot of my anger with him was control. I was unable to control or get the support from my family and here is this man who wants to be there and is here to help. I am open to him because he is open to me.

This is a journey that is more than looking great. It's a journey about creating the self I know that I am. The operation is taking so much courage because physically I will be different. Thus, internally there will be shifts.

I'm grateful for this site and reading the journey of others.