The Real Me Has Never Had a Chance to Be... - Great Britain

Right... Well, where do I start?? When I was 15...

Right... Well, where do I start?? When I was 15 and decided to get an upper arm tattoo??- BAD... Or when I was 18 and decided to add to it and balance out arms with a band?? BAD... Or when I was 26 and decided to remove my tattoos-expensive and draining??... Or when at 31, I decided to cover up the scars and fading with crap-quick fix-in-bad-tattoo shop... Or when I decided what the fuck, I have tattoos, might as well make them good and then at the ripe old age of 36 when I should be in the prime of my life, I get more cover ups over the old cover ups??... End result- two not bad tattoos except for the fact I HATE them!!

They are good artistry but I simply hate having them on my upper arms- the regret I cannot even begin to express... I feel I have not been true to myself all my life because of what I did when I was 15... I live forever in 3/4 sleeve tops, hide my arms from people- my parents would be horrified! I am an experienced nurse in a high position in Cancer care and so many people respect me but if they knew or saw my tattoos their opinion would change. It doesn't help that I live in a very wealthly part of the country where people with tattoos are judged... Why can't I be strong and proud of who I am and what I do and accept myself?? I'm an 'ok' person, a good mother, caring, a loving partner... Surely if people want to jugde me that's their issue... Problem lies in the fact that I have heard so many opinons about tattoos and my arms are ruined I think...
I can't wear so many lovely dresses and tops because of my tattoos...
My partner loves me with a passion but I know he doesn't like my ink that much and sometimes comments absent mindedly about 'pike-ies with tattoos'... i ignore it or say, I like tattoos, and he says 'yeah, I know you do'...
He points out beautiful dresses and says 'You'd look amazing in that' and I just shrug and smile, knowing full well that I will NEVER wear a dainty pretty dress and be admired because I have big tattoos on my arms!! I don't share my huge insecurity with him, because for that very reason- I am sooooo insecure and worry that one day he'll wake up and look at me and then look at a gorgeous girl with clean skin and leave me...
Sometimes I feel ok and individual, other times I feel horrble, scarred and tainted forever...
I feel like I've let my daughters down as I think it could possibly influence their friendships and acceptance later in life if people know that I have tattoos.
More recently-since new cover up- 3 butterflies on upper arm- ok and lovely art, but so so dark to me (and bigger than I envisaged)- I keep having panic attacks. I am obsessed with them to the point where my whole life seems to be in a strange kind of limbo and all I can think about is how awful I am... What the fuck??
Removal isn't an option at present partly because of cost and time but mainly been there, had the hope, pain, disapointment- got the T-shirt and basicly laser treatment didn't work fully on me- I will maybe try in the future when technology has advanced somewhat... Why oh why do I feel like I have a nasty secret? Why do I hanker after something that will never be-I can't turn back time...
I feel like I will never have the life I dreamed of as ultimately I am not care free concerning my body and how it is exposed- ironic really as I'm quite fit going to the gym and most people think I'm very conservative as I cover up alot.
Maybe it all comes down to self esteem and acceptance and... and... I don't know the answer...
It's just all so ridiculous... I care for people who are fighting for their lives and I have this pathetic issue with some tattoos. I hate myself for being stupid and vain... I know afew people with tattoos who don't care at all so why on earth do I torment myself with something that really I'm not going to change (at least for a few years)???
Sorry for such a long review... This website has helped me alot...
I hope you all do really well with your decisions and treatments- I just wish I didn't even have to be here xxx
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