Hate the skin I'm in

I had 500cc implants when i was 19. I spent the next 10 years wishing i had gone bigger (I'm 5'9") and when i woke up one morning to a ruptured saline implant, i figured it was finally time to go bigger. Unfortunately it took me almost a year to save for the surgery. So i finally get my new 800cc implants and for 3 weeks, i actually liked the way i looked. Thought i was healing fine, not much pain or anything. Then around the 3 week mark, my right breast started leaking a clear fluid. Went to my doctor bad he said that there was a hole in the incision and that the implant was now exposed and they would have to be removed. I was devastated. So i wait several more months to heal, and then had 600cc implants done instead in hopes that a smaller size would not become exposed again. But it did. I was out of money and surgeon said that they couldn't just keep doing this over and over without me having to pay again, and the first surgery cost me every dime i had. So i save up and go to a different doctor to see if he can fix me. He says that he can, i just need a fat transfer first. So i spend every dime i have again on this, and it didn't look any different. Not at all. Only except for all the lumps left on my formerly smooth stomach ( still look like i have a hernia on my right side and he would never fix it so yeah, looks like a hernia but it's just fat from the lipo gone wrong) and i also ended up getting these cysts in the breast with the fat transfer that felt like marbles in there. But not big enough to make it look like i actually had anything done. So for the next almost 2 years or so i cry almost daily and save and save and can finally afford to get implants again. This time the surgeon goes over the muscle instead of under like i had before, and i also have a lift done since my boobs had always been super saggy since the moment i got them, and we used little bitty 400cc implants this time. And yep, 3 weeks later, i get a seroma which opens up and won't close and the wound just gets bigger, and when the surgeon is draining it, he looks inside the wound and says, the implant is exposed again, apparently was coming thru the layer of skin underneath where i couldn't see it (but soon would if it kept going), and they had to come out yet again. Luckily i got insurance this go round due to the lift, and so my surgeon says that it will pay for another procedure to fix this, and wants me to have a fat transfer done. After the last fat transfer doing absolutely nothing other than make my stomach lumpy and give my boob cysts instead of any actual discernible volume whatsoever to my boob, needless to say i am terrified. This insurance only covers one more procedure to fix the latest one, and if this fat transfer turns out like the last then I'm screwed. I kinda feel like I'm screwed no matter what because i want fake boobs, i was implants, i hate the way my boobs feel without anything inside there. I don't want to have to worry about them flopping all over the place or sagging or anything like that. I'm afraid that I'm stuck like this forever. I've already become a shell of who i once was. There were other traumatic life altering things that have happened in this time that have contributed to this, but this was definitely one of the major problems that left me hating the way i look. And to break down and cry every time u look in the mirror, it can tend to bring ur spirit down even further and make everything else much harder to bear also. I remember being confident in my appearance, even though it was so long ago. I did let myself go since then, and put on a lot of weight (which i am finally now losing since i lost my sense of taste right after Christmas), and i know that i can only blame myself for that. But why try when there's something pretty major if ur a woman, that u are completely and totally unable to fix on ur own just staring u in the face every single time u look down or look in a mirror or see pictures of urself now vs before. It's put a pretty dark veil over my life. Things i once loved to do (like swimming) i can no longer do because of this. And some people will say oh don't worry about what anyone else thinks, and I'll just be like i wasn't until u said that. This is purely how i feel about how i look. My husband doesn't care just a long as i don't lose my butt and since this is the one i was born with and even at my skinniest still had, I'm pretty sure that unless i develop some crazy glute cancer (which given my luck is a possibility) it's not going anywhere, so he's just like whatever. But as for me, my boobs being like this make me feel like a child, like I'm not even a woman at all. I'm 34 years old. I have children (16 and 7) and a husband (42) and a college degree and have done a lot of crap in my life (i have experience lol), but yet i feel like I'm still just a child because that's what i look like in the boob area. Hell my cat, who is now 16 years young, feels like she's older than me, and i got her back when i was in college many many many moons ago. I'm like the uncoolest teenager you could ever meet. I feel out of place everywhere now so i just try not to leave my house. Every single day i avoid mirrors like the plague, i wear 3 bras one on top of the other (pretty painful and also a pain in the @$$ to take on and off, also means i have to be careful what i wear covers up all the straps and whatnot, if i don't do the bra layering then none of my clothes fit right and will fit everywhere but the chest and just hang there sagging in the place where my boobs used to be), and even tho i take all these precautions to avoid it getting in the way of my life as much as i can, it's still always there, on my chest and in the back of my mind... i would give anything to have this all fixed so i cold finally just go on with my life, not having to worry about what's hiding under my clothes (and only one bra like a normal human being). My poor husband I'm sure would like to actually see what my boobs look like (u bet ur butt i dont even take the bra off for him either.. yes we know each other in a biblical sense, but i don't have to take my layers of bras off for that, and i refuse to. Not gonna Happen, i don't care if it doesn't bother him, it bothers me - when i say the bras ONLY come off when i have to shower, i mean it. And sometimes i even put off having a shower as long as i can get away from it so i won't even have to look, but he damn sure doesn't get to look - no one does... ever) so i know it sounds stupid and shallow, trust me, that's another thing about this that makes me feel like crap too, but i can't help it. I feel like less of a woman and less of a person than i once was, and if i were told that there was no hope and i was just stuck like this for the rest of my life, i would pray that time was as short as humanly possible.living like this for me isn't really living. It's a hurdle that i simply cannot get over. I want to be able to live again and experience life and do what all i want to do (like swim... or shower... or have sex... or wear whatever i feel like wearing) instead of hiding away from everything and everyone. I know there is someone out there who has it worse than me, and so yes that makes me feel like crap even more, but this is a biggie for me personally, given i had always wanted fake boobs since the moment i knew what they were, and not being able to have them means not being able to live the life that i want to live. So i know it's not a true tragedy, but for me and my life, it is, stupid as that may be. I don't think i have body dysmorphic disorder, as i don't really go out searching for invisible flaws, mine is just one major one and it's not invisible to anyone, even a blind person could feel there and be like yeah something's not right there once they were told that this was a persons boob and not just an old sack or a rag or slug or i don't know i try not to feel on them as much a i can either because they feel disgusting and wrinkly and sectioned out with scars instead of being smooth... maybe it's more important to me than it should be, but oh well.. that's life.. I'm old and set in my ways and it's unlikely that after feeling this strongly about how i want my boobs to be all my life (and after being able to to at least be ok with how they looked and getting to experience that feeling for most of my adult life) that all of a sudden now I'm going to just not care. It's like losing my sense of taste. I know what that ice cream cone is supposed to taste like, i remember all too well how sweet and chocolatey and wonderful it tasted, hell i can even unwrap it and actually eat it, but i can't taste a damn bit of it. I feel like that's how my boobs have affected my life. I know what my life should be like. I can even have the surgery to fix it. But i can't keep it. I can't actually live that life that i know and remember exactly what it was like. I want that confidence and freedom back.