I don't know what to do... so mixed up!
- 6 months ago
I had my first tattoo done a week ago, and since then I have been all over the place. I have no idea what to do or who to turn to, and have been obsessively searching of stories similar to mine - this is how I found this place and saw how supportive and helpful everyone has been to others, so I wondered if maybe it might help get my head just a little bit straighter.Some background: I am 39 and have wanted a tattoo since I was a teenager. I'd always been too scared (mainly of other people's opinions, especially my parents, who hate tattoos), but now I'm approaching 40, I thought 'screw it - you're a blinkin' adult, do what you want!'. I discussed it with my husband, and he said he was fine with it, so I went ahead and booked time with a highly regarded tattooist (she has worked on a lot of my friends, and I have always been envious of their beautiful tattoos). I went with my own design, something that means a lot to me and thought out for a very long time (we're talking years here) - two magpies on my shoulder / back, so joy and luck always have my back (two for joy and all that).Before my appointment, I felt very excited and would spend ages imagining what my shoulder would look like with my two magpies on it. I even started thinking of other designs I might have later. Sitting in the parlour, I felt like this was it - I was finally doing something brave and a bit reckless after so many years of living in fear (I suffer from quite acute anxiety and have depressive episodes) - I've never, ever taken risks in my life before, and I actually felt proud that I was, at last, taking a risk. Maybe that should have been my warning... a naturally cautious person taking a risk? Yeah, this was never going to end well. I mean, I freaked out when I tinted my eyebrows a shade darker. Isn't hindsight a wonderful thing?So I sat like a rock, feeling really good. Didn't doubt the process once. I loved the design, loved the placement, and when it was all over, my tattooist showed everyone in the shop, she was so happy with it. And don't get me wrong, it is a lovely tattoo. I strutted home... and then the niggles started. This is permanent. This isn't jut a silly risk - this is something you have to live with for the rest of your life. Plus, as beautiful as the artwork is, it's absolutely *massive*. By the time my husband came home from work, I was pretty much freaking out, and his reaction just made things even worse, because he *hates* it. He says it's too big (which it is) and was expecting me to have something half the size. I'm just so angry with myself. Why did I allow myself to get so caught up with the whole 'taking a risk' thing? I should have seen how huge the bloody thing is when she showed me the design! And the stencil! This is something I've wanted for over 20 years, and I've messed it up - big time. I feel sick all the time, and feel like I've let everyone down. I feel like I am unfit to be a mother to my two kids. My parents know about it (and I have warned them it is bigger than they might be expecting), but they haven't seen it yet... I am absolutely dreading it. The only thing my Dad said was 'you'll regret it' - why didn't I listen to him? I have since learned of tattoo shock and how a lot of people feel completely weirded out by new tattoos (especially first ones), and have read all their reviews here... I haven't written a review as I just don't know what to do. I actually want to love my tattoo. I've wanted it for so long, and it is exactly what I asked for (if a little on the large side...), but when I think of my poor husband, I just want to tear it off my back and pretend it never happened. I have offered to get it removed, but he said not to be silly and that he'd get used to it, but he shouldn't *have* to get used to it, I shouldn't have been so stupid in the first place.I am so sorry for rambling on (and sorry if this isn't the place for things like this), but I need some perspective. At the moment, everything in my life revolves around this stupid tattoo. I can't stop thinking about it, and it's driving me crazy. Does anyone have any advice? Please?