Pretty Hurts - Families Filled to Fulfillment

K. Mathews on 20 Jun 2011 at 11:00am

This week’s episode of Pretty Hurts has an adorable theme: Fill a family with filler and you’ll fill a family with fulfillment. It also serves as a tongue twister; go ahead and try to say it five times fast. Curt’s mother (hence Rand’s ex-mother-in-law) and her identical twin sister are in town for the day, and they request to get some injections from Rand. Though Rand already has a tight schedule, he says he will try to fit them in around lunchtime.

Rand’s first booked appointment of the day is with a comedienne named Shawn. Shawn is about to do a show for a bunch of gay men, and she wants to fix her face beforehand because she’s concerned she looks too much like Barbra Streisand. Has Shawn even met a gay man before? I’m pretty sure looking like Babs will only add to her appeal. Shawn explains that she wasn’t born with such a distinctive nose, but it is the result of breaking her nose four times by running into glass walls. Four times?! Clearly Shawn’s had some other work done. I don’t just mean rhinoplasty, I mean a lobotomy.

For his next appointment, Rand leaves the office and heads to the docks where Real Housewife of Somewhere Jeana is hosting a “Beauty Boat” party with her daughter Kara. The boat is full of women who are affluent enough to be able to spend a weekday morning attending a “Beauty Boat” party. “We’re only friends with pretty people,” Kara proudly states. I think the real word Kara is looking for is “vapid”, but okay. Why is Rand crashing the party? As Kara whispers into his ear, “potential customers!” Ah, so she doesn’t think they’re so pretty after all.

Rand has to actually counsel some beautiful women away from getting unnecessary injections. Some women are in attendance with their children and want to know what to do to look just their daughters again. Perhaps go back in time twenty years? Other women want breast augmentations and nose jobs, so Rand the injectionist can only refer them to other specialists. One final woman actually says, “I don’t want to breathe, I just want to look pretty.” This poor lady was born in the wrong century – she would have loved corsets! I realize this boat hasn’t even left the dock, but it would it be too much to ask for this Beauty Boat to hit an iceberg and sink?

Rand needs to get back to the office to see Curt’s mom, but before he can leave, the women bring him to a spray-tanning center they have set up. They forcibly remove his clothes and spray him as he objects to the procedure. Conveniently, Rand waits until the tanning is complete before he flees the boat in his underwear.

Alas, Rand’s still not back in time to see Curt’s mother. Curt complains about how irresponsible Rand is and how upset his mother is because she is “a stickler for time.” Considering that she showed up demanding a same-day appointment during Rand’s lunch break, I think Curt’s mom is the one who needs to be more respectful of other people’s time. Once Rand arrives and is ready to fit in the women, they leave to get lunch to show Rand what it feels like to wait for something. Evidently, genes don’t only influence appearance; at least now we know where Curt got his insufferableness.

But it’s not as if Rand has time to idly stand by. He has another client, actor David Moretti. Who? Good question, he starred on some vampire show, apparently. Which one? Another good question - sometimes I think television has more vampire shows than channels. David wants to have some of his smile lines reduced and Rand says if he were to just gain 5-10 lbs, the lines would go away on their own. Oh how I long for the day a medical professional tells me, “You should gain weight, doctor’s orders!” Unfortunately, vampire-bait must be sexy and can’t afford to put on any weight, so David opts for the filler. After being impaled by fangs, needles don’t seem like a big deal to David.

Since vampires are transparent and cannot be seen in mirrors, we know that the next client, Audrey, is not one when she screams upon seeing her own reflection. Audrey’s a mother of four who wants the lines reduced on her forehead and cheeks. While working on her, Rand admits that he had a problem with hand-eye coordination as a child and had to go to a “special school” to overcome it. Normally, Rand has a nice bedside manner, but if you’re about to inject my face while admitting to your past issues with hand-eye coordination, I would run out of that office faster than he sprinted from the spray-tan.

Finally, Rand has time to see his ex-mother-in-law and her twin sister. (I wonder if Curt’s mother asked to look just like Curt like those women on the boat did.) Rand minimizes some of their wrinkles by giving them the same injections, so that they still look identical. Why is it so important that they look identical? Because they’re a tap dancing duo, of course!

Do I smell a spin-off show? As odd as a pair of freshly-collagened senior twin sisters tap dancing in a hallway is, it’s also easily the most entertaining part of the show. At the very least, they should be asked to perform on next year’s Beauty Boat.

Until next week’s episode, I’ll be practicing my tap dancing. Maybe if Rand gives me enough filler, I can look like the ladies’ long-lost triplet and we can all shuffle off to Buffalo together.

Thoughts on this week's episode?

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