24 Years Old, Latina

Hello girls, I will start from the beginning.. I...

Hello girls, I will start from the beginning.. I was always looking at girls with big perky breasts (mostly unatural, because as we all know nature rarely products perfect natural breasts, whatsoever even breast augmentation cannot guarantee it..).. I started going crazy for breasts I don't even remember when.. That means for a really long time.. But I knew thought that desire for breasts will become a chronic depression, crying all day long, being upset to try clothes on and etc... Truth to be told, I was never that sensitive about them before my first fat transfer and before I started living in one of the biggest cities of the world.

Why I did fat transfer?
Firstly, I believed it is a new amazing method. Secondly, I was always that kinda Kim Kardashian body girl, I had fat that could take away, so I was perceived by the doctor that I will get a double benefit.

How I chose I doctor?
I didnt. Which now I think was the biggest problem. ( Dont get me wrong, I think he is one of the best in my country, but I never could understand him, and I think he was always thinking more about medical side of the things than estetical. He never really understand what I want from myself, from him, from surgery. What I wanted? Perfect implants.) He was a friend of a family, he did implants for my friend's mother and etc.

So what happened after first fat transfer?
Hmmmmm. Now when I go back then I think that surgery made me from a nice a bit chubby girl into freakin' Kim Kardashian twin, with that perfect curves.. You know, little waist, wide hips, I had a big bootty from age 6 hahaha... BUT.. The same second I woke up from surgery and looked at my breast I saw a difference, but that was far away from enough for me. I started crying. I wanted bigger. Everybody said to wait. This is how my mental problems began..

So, I am 21, that kinda girl who was always in a centre of attention all her life. And all her life was fighting a battle to look better. Better and better. I didnt do plastic things. No. No barbie kinda style with fake eyelashes, long nails and white hair etc.

On the same year after surgery I started living with my cousin. Girl who has perfect boobs, more or less that kinda ones that a lot of girls in this site adds a picture saying 'my wish', 'my dream'..

So I saw her boobs every single day. With every single day I started getting more and more crazy. My breasts were not the same after surgery. Not really visible, nobody could tell, but me. Cause I was looking at them in the mirror every second I had a chance. They were not enough for me. And the thought of the fact that my cousin, younger than me, got her breasts better without any pain, any surgery, no money spent was killing me..

I will not lie, I got a million compliments after first fat transfer, a lot of girls asked me if they were fake, which doctor did these implants - and I proudly used to say 'they are not fake. Touch it'. I wore dresses and jackets with big decolte, but antway I felt like I could do better. That they are too small for my body. I have a really feminine body as I mentioned before.

So, during tis year I was fighting with myself all over again.. On one hand - I loved the fact that they are not implants, I liked how soft and perky they are. On the other hand, B size or small C was not enough. I hated them for no cleavege, for a little projection.

I met a lot of women with implants and sometimes I was jealous, sometimes I was honestly happy that mine are better.. Anyway, all around me where girls with bigger better natural boobs. I never stopped going crazy. With every day situation was getting worse mentally. I was crying only for breasts. Constantly repeated myself that somebody has better without any effort, that thats not fair for me. Because recovery was tragic. I never mentioned this before because pain meant nothing for me. All that mean was a result. Even doctor and nurses never understood how could I take this kind of a pain that calm. I wasnt able to get up from bed for 4-5 days. I was in a crazy pain. But I didnt care. I just wanted that perfect breasts...

So, I decided to do implants. I went back to my doctor which done fat transfer for me. After all year of dreaming about implants, he brainwashed my brain in 1 consultation. Then, the worst period began. I was lost. I didnt knew what to do. To fight for implants or to listen to educated doctor with experience and do fat transfer??? I couldnt sleep at night. Spent days and nights at this site. Found a really nice reviews with amazing results and to be honest, found not that nice ones. And found a lot not really good ones, not a good result,breasts too far apart or not even or just too fake or too round, then infections, then a possibility that I will need to take them out for some complications and I will be left without nothing or or or or.. Then tstarted being scared - what if the destiny will punish me for this? So many people compliment my breasts, so many pictures where they look great, not cheap, not too vulgar.. But I wasnt happy at all. I knew I have to do something. I cannot live with this feeling everyday.

So I believed again. I went for a second fat transfer. The morning of the surgery I started crying in the clinic. I said I dont want to do it. I want implants. My mother was trying to calm me down. The assistant of doctor was trying to tell me all of the bad things about implants, I didnt want to listen, thousands of girls are doing implants in the same clinic, for gods sake why the hell they cannot do it for me??

The doctor came. I was trying to tell him through my tears that I want implants. That it is a decision for life. He rejected. He said implants are not good for me. This moment was the moment I will remember always. Even now I got emotional remembering this. Like in 1 second all of my expectations died. I started feeling like a not normal person that I cannot do it. Why everyone can and I cant? He told me that I will not get what I want. That the implant will not go through the tissue that I have.

Then I started thinking that maybe its his own mistake? He did that tissue for me a year ago. Now he cannot do implants because of his own fault?

I finished crying. And started getting ready for my surgery of a second fat transfer. It was after an hour of the same day. I felt like I am pushed in a corner.

I did that second fat transfer. Somewhere deep deep down I know that they look beautiful. I know that doctor did a good job. But I just feel that they are not for me. Cleavege will never be as big and visible as with implants, projection too. And the worst thing is that I will not be able to do implants ever I think, cause now it is really too thick layer of a tissue. Honestly, I dont even want to see my doctor. Yes, he's a good one. Bhe change my life into a better state. But not into the best. Yes, some of you will say that life consits not only of boobs, but sorry... I invested in in my heart, my mind, my time, my hopes and money. And I did it twice.

My advices? Just go for what you believe in. Maybe I would end up with implants which would be too far away wfrom each other, or uneven or smth, but what if I would end up with breats that I was dreaming of..?? What if? I'll guess I'll never know. I dont feel like it was fully my decision because Even if I was obsessed with wanting implants I had a sober mind telling me that doctor should know better. Maybe I should have tried other doctors.. That 'maybe' now is a new killer of my mind.

Thank you for listening.
I will upload my pictures as soon as I can.
Yes, we would love to see some before and after photos when you have a chance! Where did you get the fat transferred from? Sounds like you have good fat retention which is good news. Are you sure you can't someday have implants placed under your muscle? Thank you for sharing your story with us on RealSelf!
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Don't worry about your review.... the writing being "disproportionate" or any other kind of criticism anyone may say about you or your writing, Boobobsessed. Your feelings and your writing about them is your right, and no one can truly know or judge if your feelings or your writing about them are disproportionate or can truly criticize you in any way. You know your feelings and you are the one who has to deal with them. Keep your hopes up and keep trying to stay positive and focus on the wonderful things about life and your body, and soon you will see love and happiness surround you. It's all about your focus, and it takes practice.
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Honestly, the way you are writing makes you sound like you went through some terrible torture...but the reactions of others make me think you actually have a nice result!! I think even if you get fake boobs, you will then be upset that they are so grotesquely large and fake. I mean, the way you are upset, I would have thought someone sliced your boobs off or something. The intensity of your writing seems kinda...disproportionate?? By the way, who was your doctor? I'm actually intrigued to go to him; he seems like a patient guy.
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You probably look freakin' awesome, but, even if post pictures and get lots of comments on how wonderful you look, it may not help you to see how wonderful you look. Your issue sounds like more than just skin deep. Your obsession has taken you on a mental journey of not understanding your true beauty and your self worth. And I hope that you will find this, because we all came to this earth with beauty and self worth. Some of us strayed from the knowledge of these things via events beyond our control... some of strayed really farther than others. I relate to you story, and I truly hope for the best for you, and this has to do with much more than only how you look.
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