Hello to everyone out there! My name is Jemoiselle, and I am going under the knife in mere days to get a Rhinoplasty I've wanted since I was 12! It has been a long road to today, when my date was officially scheduled. I am in shock! I cannot believe that this day next week, my nose will be gone forever, changed, new, for better or worse. I've had my consult and have been waiting for a surgical date for months and months now, seriously, since October '12.
Afraid But Ready! (Rhino-Septo)
Hello to everyone out there! My name is...
Well, I received my surgery report time just now....
I suppose one must take life by the horns and decide what they want to attempt, and just do it. Perhaps it isn't fair for me to judge myself so harshly, or is it? Of course I am merely talking this out, to be honest if you don't think I am a good person for putting my life at risk for a nose I don't really want to hear from you haha so please don't take this introspective moment on display as an invitation. But still, today I am excited, but with a heavy heart. I think of how this surgery will help me to make even more of my time with my family, how many more pictures I'll willingly be in, how I might just not feel the need to put on makeup 24/7 to compensate for the stupid nose and live a bit more freely, be a little bit happier each day lacking the continuous constant pain of glances in the mirror each day and the self-dissapproval I feel for that part of me, like I'm somehow not good enough or not like everyone else, human, in other words. Can a nose really cause all that? If you've never suffered from a self-perceived deformity on your face or otherwise in a prominent spot everyone notices, I wouldn't expect you to understand. But rather, try for me, just today. If you have, you know what I mean, and possibly, how I am feeling right now at this moment. If you've been here, I would love to hear from you.
More as it comes....
Hello everyone! Well, it's done! I had my surgery...
DAY 4 - Thursday Thanks everyone for the well...
Thanks everyone for the well wishes! You're awesome! Today is the first day I woke up feeling semi-human, hooray! I have an appointment on the 16th to get something off, don't quite remember what! Seriously, it could be just the internal splint, and it could be the whole deal. My surgeon seems to do things much differently than the norm, which is ok with me, as long as I am ok and the results turn out.
I am so incredibly ready for this internal splint to come out! Ouch! It is so uncomfy, like I shoved a plastic arm from a barbie up my nose until the fingers touched the top of my bridge, then just...left it there! It doesn't hurt much but the discomfort of feeling it poking me up there is enough to drive me mad! I keep telling myself I've been through worse, though, my personal worst pain was giving birth and that was easy in comparison. Hey, I can say the worst is over! That settles it.
My bruising is getting much better, going away. My nose isn't dripping or bleeding anymore. I don't remember if that means I can remove the drip pad or not, as I was too groggy when they instructed me about that particular part. My eyes don't feel as tired today, though they are still swollen, and I've been feeling little twinges of pain and tickling mixed together that to me signal my nerves repairing themselves. It is so hard not to instinctively reach up and try to itch! Another neat but weird thing I am experiencing that I did not expect: air flowing in my nose! Wow! I thought I could breathe pretty well going into this, but today it is almost uncomfortable feeling the improved (opened) passageways just freely taking in air without my sniffing it in intentionally. I never knew how bad my breathing was! If this is how easy it is to breathe all swollen up, can you just imagine with me for a minute what it will be like once the swelling has subsided?
Lots of Love,
Just a quickie from my iPhone! I feel much...
Day 6 Saturday! Hi Everyone! Today was a good...
Hi Everyone! Today was a good day! I can finally yawn and chew without pain from tugging sutures! Hooray! I've spent the entire day awake with my family, mingling with my boys and even took my first walk outside. It was short, of course, the exertion did get to me but wow did it feel GREAT! My nose still feels disgustingly dirty, but I guess that's what they want, so I'm being a good patient (maybe a grumbly one) and leaving it alone with all of my might. Still itchy, but I rigged up an itching device that works wonders! Ready for it? It's just a simple makeup eye contour brush, light and fluffy! My nose is so sensitive even through the cast that to itch now all I have to do is lightly brush the itch with the disinfected bristles and voila, er, more like another itch two seconds later, but still it helps a lot! Of course I promptly lost it today, booh, but dang it I will find it again! I am of course more and more ready and willing for my 16th appointment to get my cast (I hope) and splints/sutures out even with whatever discomfort that comes with it. I've heard mixed reviews as to the pain level of that but I am so SO uncomfy and ready to shower and get CLEAN inside and out that I am just about willing to take the pain gladly to get there. I am one of those people that uses Neti pots regularly, q-tips ears and nose after every shower to make sure I am super clean. This Neanderthal "leave it dirty so it can heal!" routine they have me on really truly isn't my thing! Seriously, am I the only one on the planet that has a surgeon that wants me to leave it nasty and dirty while healing? Is not that totally odd? Oh well. No sign of infection, so I guess she must know what she is talking about. She did do a great job from what I can see after all, she seems like one who would not lead me astray. It just seems so counterintuitive!
Ahh, another thing. Today I figured out what has been making me so nauseated! That stinking Colace "stool softener" pill, not the pain meds! Wow! To think I've been roughing it all this time avoiding my pain pills until I'm dying hehe, only to have the least suspected be the culprit. Good riddance Colace! o No more! I'll eat prunes if I have to, but honestly, I have never had issues with Vicodin and what they were preemptively prescribed for.
My cast has icky sticky stuff underneath it! It sticks to my fingers as I itch!!! Eww!! Ok, just needed to get that out of my system. There! I feel better :)
I cannot wait to see how I feel tomorrow! Finally, I felt a little like myself today. Ahhhh, keep it coming baby! More normal, please! Have a great weekend everyone! Check out the two profile pics I just added!
Nothing much to update beyond that I am healing...
So I had my first post-op today! I am happy to say...
I had extensive bone/graft work done that could use more time to set up which is the reason for my doc wanting the cast on an extra week, but I'm ok with that given the uncomfy bits are out, and of course we're in this for the long haul so what's one more week for a solid result? She even said it might fall off on it's own and that would be ok! Cool beans. Recovery, ahead! She was very kind, gentle and sensitive today, which I really appreciated.
Day 11 Post-Op Hello! Today is a special day...
Hello! Today is a special day for me, and you aren't going to believe why! Today is the very first day I haven't needed any pain pills! Hooray indeed! I know, I know, many of you ditched them right after surgery, but for whatever reason I have truly needed mine this entire time despite many days of attempting to ditch them and then retreating to the bottle in pain wondering how everyone else is doing it. Doesn't matter, we're all different but still a part of me was thinking "Am I a wimp or what?" hehe. So, today's the day! It is 3:00pm, I'm great. I spent the afternoon on the deck enjoying the season's most beautiful day to boot, it is perfect! Not to warm, not too cool, just, ahh! Nice! If I didn't have this greasy face combined with still bloody tape my Doc wants left on (shudder, seriously disgusting) and these new breakouts from the icky gooey residue the tape seems to be leaking all over my skin, I would be out taking a walk! As it stands, I'll just settle for the privacy of my porch. Just a few more days of this h-e-double-hockey-sticks and I will have a fresh tempting lease on life and all the eagerness in the world with which to seize the moment! Yeah!
The last thing I'll say, and bare in mind I say this only in keeping with the documentary state this blog has morphed into, is I have icky hard scabs absolutely all over my nose from when my splint was taken out. Those are the last uncomfy reminder of my internal injuries, other than that and the cast/tape, I am feeling GOOD!
In a surprise twist of events, my doc decided to...
Day 12 - Second Update I know, I know, another...
I know, I know, another update in one day? Yes. I feel the need to share something that has caught me by surprise and affected me deeply. Today, as I take in my new nose without the cast, having seen it before the new tape was applied completely bare as it is, I am here to share an emotion I did not expect. I feel afraid. You see, I am honestly and deeply so very happy and overwhelmed with gratitude that I feel deeply afraid that I will somehow wake up to find this was all a crazy dream that felt like real life, only to find it wasn't, and I still have my old nose, and nothing has changed. Honest. It is the strangest feeling perhaps I've ever had in my life! I can tell what's real, right? I mean, am I mental!? LOL But there it is, sensical or not. The level of happiness I feel today is beyond belief. I look in the mirror, and of course it's me, but it's not, but not in a bad way, of course. In a profoundly good way! I seriously fear I might wake up any second. I wonder how long this insanity will last? How curious it is! And, honestly, how lovely. Lovely to be this happy, to feel like I am living in a dream. How fortunate am I to be here in this moment?
Stunned, eternally grateful, graciously....
Day 15 Hello everyone! Not much to update, my...
Hello everyone! Not much to update, my swelling is noticeably reducing around my tip and sides each day, to be expected. Tomorrow is my 3rd post-op appointment to see if I need an additional week of taping or not. Oh please, oh please let me not need this tape anymore! Oh for the love of all things Holy please oh please! LOLS! I am so over being sticky and having little icky upturned pieces of stubborn tape that won't stay stuck! Even my hair is getting stuck in my taped up sticky nose! Gah! Pray for me! :P
In other news, I am finding I am shockingly not shy about my surgery or the fact that I've had it done. I know some people are afraid others will notice and know they had "work done" but oh my gosh I am so relieved and happy to have had it done and am finding I LOVE to share it and find that whomever I am sharing with tells me they have breathing problems or a nose insecurity too and has been thinking about it etc, and then I can be helpful! I find it so therapeutic after suffering in silence for nearly 18 years, to talk about it and feel like maybe just maybe, my candid account might help someone make that decision just a little bit faster than I, and continue the chain of healing! I'm starting to sound like a hippie, I'd better get ahold of myself here! But there it is, the truth.
The last thing I shall mention is the fact that I used to have TERRIBLE allergies, and it does appear my nose surgery has had an amazing and unexpected effect! I used to get allergy shots twice a week in addition to being on an inhaler, RX allergy pill, RX allergy nose spray, RX allergy eye drops and I always had an epi-pen nearby just in case. Seriously, just wow! What a mess I was! About 4 years ago, I became a Nutritarian (plant-based diet) and experienced an incredible alleviation of my allergies, to the point that I was able to stop all of those medications and as long as I took care to avoid excess contact with things I was allergic to (certain animals, molds, freshly cut grasses etc) I was able to live drug free for the first time in my life. I had been on allergy meds since I was a child and can remember suffering from symptoms since I was 4-5 years old. Anyhow, my diet controls my allergies. That said, if for instance my Husband is out cutting grass and it's flying all over the place, it is wise of me to stay out of it! Let's not be stupid, right? If I bathe like that in an allergen, I would still get very mild symptoms like itchy eyes, just enough to let me know to get away from it, please and thank you. The symptom would go away as soon as I listened to my body's request. Totally manageable. Well! Since my surgery, everything has bloomed. The grass needed cut. Pollen is everywhere. I went outside while my Hubby was mowing (dumb risky move, in retrospect) and sat out there with grass swirling around my head as he mowed even, not a single itch, not a single symptom! My allergies have gotten even BETTER (read, no environmental symptoms) since the surgery! Now, while my diet controls them, had I been out there before bathing in a grass tornado, I can guarantee you I would have had some sneezing and itching eyes that would have resolved with a shower LOL. Now, nothing. Just incredible! How on Earth does that work!? I had been told by another allergist that I had scar tissue in there from an injury and that my nose anatomy was causing allergies...but now that I see they were right, it makes me wonder how that works? My nose is in fact even more opened than it was, so one would intuitively think (at first) that allergens would be even more problematic if they are airborn, because more can get inside directly to the inner reachings of the straightened septum! But on the same note, now that it is straight, my nose can do it's thing easier it seems, it's job catching allergens and naturally removing them via it's own process (one efficient sneeze versus twenty inefficient ones that cannot get stuff moving) combined with the flow of mucus being corrected...this is all my own uneducated guess basically, but I find it fascinating and of course wonderful. Just adding some hope in this mix for people suffering from allergies! Not only does diet eventually correct the over-reaction to normal levels of allergens, to those who still react to excessive levels of allergens with dietary intervention, surgery might correct the rest and show the true problem! Very, very interesting!
Have a great day everyone, and stay tuned for tomorrow's update!
Day 17! Well yesterday came and went, what a...
Well yesterday came and went, what a day! I didn't get to ditch the tape, unfortunately, but on the very bright side, my surgeon re-taped me all up again this time with slightly less tape than the other weeks, hooray! Also, what is even more encouraging to me is the fact that she said if they don't fall off on their own before next Tuesday, I get to remove them myself and be completely done with taping, returning to see her in a month instead of weekly. Awesomeness! I am so excited to KNOW for certain when this wearing tape 24/7 thing will be over! I have the end in plain sight, and it feels awesome and encouraging. In just a hop skip and a jump, I can finally sport a completely tape free face, get a full shower (oh my gosh cleeeeean!) and walk around otherwise not looking like a domestic violence victim hehe. You'd think people would see the tape on the nose (all straight if a bit swollen) and think "Ha ha, nose job!" but no! Seriously, people ask me how I injured myself or even just plain "Oh no! What happened to you!" I think it's funny! Not what I expected at all, but as others have experienced, I have more self-confidence with my swollen nose covered in tons of tape walking around than I had before the surgery with a completely spectacle-free nose (beyond the shape of course!) so hey! It's all good! I can do this!
My surgeon asked me to start rubbing the healed incision daily here and there to promote further smoothing of the skin, of which I think looks pretty good myself anyways, so that's doable, and also, she gave the go-ahead to start wearing sunscreen on the incision. I've started sporting a swanky hat during our walks sans sunglasses when it's bright, and being that I am so not a hat gal, have been living that one up a little. Certain friends would be proud, lol.
Seriously, not a hat person! But I'm rocking this one baby! LOL I keep telling myself to "channel my inner Audrey a la My Fair Lady" when I wear it to resist feeling like a 4 year old playing about in the dress up closet! So far I think it's working. Soon I'll be wearing evening gowns and tiaras eating pastry while gazing lovingly into the window of my local Tiffany's (while onlookers positively die with laughter!) and adopting a cat with no name.
I've added a few photos but honestly am not really having much luck with the camera since my last pics. It is weird seeing my nose change so much! The last photos I took my bridge looked slightly ski sloped to me, and now to me it looks perfectly straight without a scoop at all? How does that happen?? Anyhow I am still liking it and looking forward to my tip reducing in size, along with everyone else in the universe who's had a nose job am I right?
Have a great week everyone!!
Day 22 - Last Day of Tape! Hello everyone! I...
Hello everyone! I hope you don't mind my lack of updates but honestly not much has been happening worthy of an update or pics! My nose still changes every day it seems but I don't think it will look any different in pics yet beyond one shot that I am posting today. Sorry! Oh, but tomorrow! Tomorrow will be a different story! I get to take off all of this absolutely disgusting tape tomorrow, and I am telling you what, it is an act of God that I made it the weekend without yanking it off! Seriously, ready? I caught a freaking FLY! Yes! My nose is so disgustingly sticky I caught an insect in the sticky tape and had to remove it. This is so gross! Gaah! I am ridiculously ready to get my fly tape off. Seriously. That is a new low, is it not?
So, down to the nitty gritty, my nose still aches every day and I am careful to sneeze through my mouth and chew crunchy foods gently, floss gently etc and there is still a bunch of dried blood stuck in the small crevices of the work in there that I am ordered to leave alone by PS, hehehe, but beyond that things are awesome. My PS is extremely protective of my nose and is keeping me on a very conservative regimen, as she has been, so no neti-potting for me for a month, I still sleep upright (though I am down to three pillows instead of Mt. Fluffy) and I am not allowed to clean it inside, again. That one came about when I called and begged to be able to use something more sanitary than just water and q-tips as I had been advised by her staff after a couple weeks, asking about peroxide. Unlike many of you (it seems like all of you!) who are encouraged to use it, my PS thinks it is the devil and freaks out when I mention it. When will I learn and just stop asking? I thought (in error) that after a certain amount of healing she would let me start up, but no. Not the case, not ever, end of story! So, now that I've freaked her out I'm on a "no cleaning at all" order. I feel properly discouraged, haha! This too shall pass. It can't stay in there forever!!! .....Can it?
Ok, posting my new photo and leaving for morning coffee. Thank you all for the support, encouragement, beautiful compliments and overall soul-lifting. You all are wonderful and I feel blessed to have known your kindness during this scary and exciting time!
Day 23 of Week 3: The Tape is Gone! Hello my...
Hello my friends, today is the day! This morning I got into a nice warm shower with the mist setting on and let the gentle mist soften that tape until it was effortless to remove, and off it came! After washing my face several times very very gently I still am covered in tape residue! It reminds me of tree sap, nothing I do gets it off! I've tried alcohol wipes. I've tried shampoo! Cetaphil. Jojoba oil. What the heck will get this off ladies and gents? HELP!
That aside, I find myself with mixed emotions this morning. Seeing my nose without any tape when it has been covered so completely from upper bridge to tip for three weeks is kind of unnerving. Sure, I've had time to get used to it in stages of what I could see, and the tape gave me a pretty good idea of what it looks like overall, but now that it's off I cannot help but be a bit freaked out. Let's just say I hope a lot of what I am seeing is just swelling, and will get more narrow and defined. Right now I feel like my nose looks pretty good from the sides, but the head on shot is...going to take some getting used to :( It looked so great in the tape! I don't know what's wrong with me! How can I go from love love loving my result to being freaked out?
All in all though, it is infinitely better than my old nose, by far, and for that, I am most grateful. I don't pretend to not realize how lucky I am to have had this done!
I'll post pics later today once I have calmed down a bit...I just think I need to have my freak out moment quietly and contemplate who I have unwrapped this morning, get to know her, for better or worse, because I am after all, still me, and I deserve that much of myself. I'll get through this without beating myself up :) Love everyone...
Day 23 Part Doux Hello again, today is going to...
Hello again, today is going to be a two-for! After my last post, I almost cried but held myself together and hugged my little baby doll of a son instead which made me feel a lot better. What is it about the love of a son? Anyhow, after that I went upstairs, made myself put on some makeup and do my hair, put on a long white and black linen skirt that always makes me feel feminine and joyous, and took to the sunshine for a walk. The two of us strolled around in the sun (yes, I had on my sunscreen!) and walked to the neighborhood pharmacy where I asked for help getting the sticky off of me. Luckily, they were able to order "detachol" for me and it will arrive tomorrow morning, hooray! That should take care of it, I hope I hope. We took our sweet time browsing through the store, I bought two more of my favorite lip balm (even though I have WAY too many other balms already, it's my ben and jerry's!) and I am happy to say I feel much more calm and collected. Phew! That was certainly a freak out moment if I've ever had one!
So upon taking more pictures and getting cozy with my new self, I feel much more optimistic and accepting. I see so much that I really like, and am choosing to focus on that instead of the swelling that I am afraid is not swelling hehe. In fact, since my stroll and a few hours of contemplation I swear my nose looks less swollen already. Maybe it's all in my head, I don't care! It certainly helps me feel better, and right now, I'm all about comfort. When I take a step back from the mirror and take in the "whole picture" things don't look so bad at all. I think it's going to be ok
(Real Self ate the following from my previous...
Thanks for all the encouragement, and for being here for me today of all days. I am posting photos now...
Hugs to all,
Day 25 - Bummed Sigh. This is such a roller...
Sigh. This is such a roller coaster! Sorry guys but today I am just feeling discouraged. I have come to peace with having the tape off, am liking the front on view more and more, have acquired some Detachol and am happy to not be sticky anymore (yippee!) but now something else has cropped up that has me anxious. When I took the tape off I felt a hard small pointy bump on my upper bridge on the side and panicked only to look at it in the mirror after my shower and breath a sigh of relief upon examining it and seeing that it appeared to just be another breakout from the yucky tape I have been reacting to for all this time. Well, I have been leaving it alone, and while all the other breakouts from the tape are shrinking and going away, this bump hasn't really budged, and it feels almost too hard to be a breakout. It feels like bone! It looks like a sharp boney "thing" is poking up under my skin and is noticeable. Even Hubby can see it and said it looked like a blemish, but he also said my surgeon told him (while he was receiving me from surgery) that it would be normal to feel some weird bumps possibly under the skin for instance a dissolving stitch or swelling even, and assured him they would go away with time. So, now I am starting to convince myself this is a bone spur or something scary that will need more painful intervention, and I just feel anxious and worried and down. I do remember between tape changes in the office my surgeon said she saw a bump where she did the osteotomy and not to worry, that it would go away, but I had always thought she was talking about a slight swelling hump in my bridge and not this little bump. Now I am wondering if she meant this little bump instead and I just didn't see it at the time. I want to call, but I don't want to call. I have called for so many things I am afraid to bother her, plus, her office should be closed right now anyways. Ok, I just called. LOL She was gone so I left a message with her staff. She will probably have her nurse call me back tomorrow. Anyhow, that's my update for today :( I'm not trying to be ungrateful, I'm aware that being within my third week post op is very early to worry about bumps not going away, but it just feels so hard I cannot imagine it going anywhere. Sigh. I hope everyone else is having a great week! I know I'll get past this, we all seem to have something we worry about, eh? My turn!
Month 1 Milestone was last Monday! Yay! In...
In actuality, this is day 32 according to an awesome App I downloaded called "DaysGoneBy" where you can enter (any date) your surgery date and have it automatically calculate your present post-op day, for those of us who are beginning to lose track! It doesn't count the beginning day as day one though, so for those who insist that is day one (as I did, hehehe) just add a day to the number it displays :)
Finally, things are happening, changing, unveiling, SLOWLY defining here and there and I am yet again a very happy relaxed Momma. Honestly, looking back, I think my surgeon was quite wise to make me wear my cast and tape for an ungodly amount of time! It helped me not to worry during the most crucial phase of recovery (and hid the most unsightly swelling, instead emphasizing the general shape) and my spirits were absolutely soaring, which I am certain helps with healing! Sure, I had a freak out when the tape came off (who doesn't!) but I am proud and relieved to say I have officially pulled through it and feel that beautiful twinge of bliss when I wake up and realize yet again, my dream is still my reality and everything is going to be ok :)
Yes, my little 1mm bump is still there, but it does appear to slightly change. I am being a good patient leaving it alone, per my call with the Doc's staff who confirmed that it was indeed what she had mentioned at our last appointment and I had just inadvertently assumed she was pointing out bridge swelling instead of the bump. Anyhow, she said it will go away. I don't see how, but I trust her. It does look like a dissolvable suture to me or something, under the skin. Either way, it's very small, and I can deal with it.
On Wednesday something amazing happened, it took my breath away and caught me off guard! After feeling (rightfully so) like my front on view has a ways to come due to swelling hiding what is under there, I went to church and during the visit went to the ladies room with my son. When I looked in the well lit mirror (it had those beautiful bulbs that frame the entire mirror top and sides) suddenly my nose transformed before my eyes and the most beautiful reflection points showed up in my tip that extended all the way up to my forehead. It was like seeing my surgeon's pre-operative description come to life! She described to me just that, how ideally (for my face anyhow) the tip should have two reflection points, one on each side (mine had only one) and then from each reflection point a reflective line should appear above it on the bridge extending upwards along the bridge, both lines parallel to each other to frame the face. Like this: === Anyhow, for the first time EVER those lines suddenly appeared and it completely morphed the appearance of my front view and it looked as beautiful as my profile. FINALLY! I got a glimpse of what is underneath my swelling, I took a photo so I wouldn't forget in case the lines didn't show up in other lighting again. I see the lines starting to appear at home, but my lighting is from the top only which tends to over emphasize the contour of the sides and hide my tip. Boy that doesn't sound possible, but there it is! My bridge is not perfectly straight but I am well aware I have asymmetrical swelling, one side of my face was WAY more bruised than the other and way more swollen, I have watched my nostrils be terribly uneven to more even than before surgery, so I am not freaking out about that yet, but for what it's worth I will post a few close ups of the reflection lines from that moment! I haven't seen them like that since. It was so encouraging! I feel like in the last three days a lot of swelling has suddenly resolved. Of course, we have a LONG road ahead until it's all gone, but for now I feel really optimistic. Also, my nose is becoming much less sensitive to touch, starting to feel more like "my" nose and not some surgical anomaly floating about upon my face! Also, my tip has shortened (hooray!!!!!) and the columella has shrunk up a bit more. I am loving the look of my well defined supratip! I didn't expect to have that, as it was completely hidden in earlier photos. I went from having a perfectly straight bridge down to the tip to having a lot of contour from the side. At first it freaked me out because I thought I was seeing the bridge raise rather than the tip depression shrink :) It is neat to compare photos now, and imagine how much more I have to look forward to and discover.
I hope everyone is having a great week, and for those who are still reading, from the bottom of my heart thank you! You are my heart, my biggest support right now, my nosie friends who understand, who get it, having shared this whole process together has meant the world to me and made me feel quite close to you. It's hard to avoid that when you go through something as life changing as this, together. Thanks for your comments and encouragement, I love all of you!
The Bump is Making Me Crazy!
I suppose, rather than go into a huge rant all I will say is this is indeed a long lesson in patience, acceptance, hope and self control for me. Some days I am thrilled with my nose and on the top of the world with gratitude and joy! Then other days I tend to shred myself to pieces trying to play out all possible scenarios in my head of how this will end up pertaining to the things that worry me. Underneath my chosen optimism is the silently suppressed self-criticism we all know and love *yes Sheldon, sarcasm* so well! This has been one huge identity crisis, haha! Unbeknownst to you all, while I have been very happy, I have struggled with anxiety through this process. I've had moments where I saw things I didn't like but chose to look past because after all things change as we all know, for a year, and so much is fleeting, and right now anyways, it's not worth energy really past a certain amount to worry about what I cannot change. Gosh, I thought I said I wasn't going to rant?! Liar I am! Crazy woman on the loose!
From the worrisome side of me, like all of you, rhinoplasty for me has had many "faces" to accept, love, hate or dance around as they fade away into the next joyful phase within recovery. Let's recall together, shall we? First there's the huge clown nose immediately post-op. HONK! How about super long piggie like surf board nose? Then there's the too wide "Oh my gosh my tip is so swollen will it ever go down?" nose! How about my personal favorite, the "What's hiding under the tape?! Let me try to peek!" phase? It's enough to bring even the strongest among us to our proverbial wobbly knees!
For me the biggest challenge by far has been that after taking the tape off I had to get used to what was underneath in reality instead of what my imagination had painted under it for the many extended weeks I wore it compared to most of ya'll. The (profile view) bridge wasn't perfectly ruler straight like the tape made it appear and at the same time the visible sharp bump on the upper bridge made itself known...it's a beautiful but rough ride. I have been learning to take deep breaths, be thankful for what I have, acknowledge improvement, accept that it will never be perfect no matter how many surgeries I ever have Heaven forbid I need revision due to the bump (fear of mine!) and try to embrace myself and the imperfections, with open loving arms.
I think I'm doing a pretty good job all things considered, but tonight I just feel extra anxious because I am on the cusp of my next appointment on Tuesday the 21st, and I am so so terrified my PS is going to tell me I need revision, or perhaps not know after all what the bump is, or last scenario, have bad news about it and tell me it is something terrible we didn't expect. I am afraid she will tell me my bridge wasn't made perfectly straight and she left a "natural" bump haha despite my insistence. Crazy talk, see? I am all in knots at this point and wishing when I called them about it I just asked to have an extra appointment asap to ease my mind. I think the medical world forgets the human element in practice, you know, the one that goes beyond the skill of the surgeon, and speaks of comfort and easing the troubled mind, minimizing anxiety for long periods of time etc. Again, just ranting guys and gals. It's late and I am so introspective right now.
I wish I had a gleeful bubbly happy post to share but tonight I just need to be here in my moment and not be exactly ok, and have that be ok with you :) I'm sure it is, you all are absolutely wonderful and I appreciate your support so much! If you've made it this far thanks for reading, and hey, to add in and close with some optimism, just think how helpful this post might end up becoming once my appointment comes and goes, once we find out what is happening, and perhaps it is no big deal? Perhaps it is a big deal, oh well, I'll get through it! Then, if anyone after me gets their nose surgery and has the same or a similar issue, they can look and see that "this too shall pass" even when you feel at the present moment kind of...panicky and/or stagnant in worry. For better or worse, it's only hopeless when we completely give up. That's not in my genetic makeup!
This too shall pass, and I know regardless that I'll get through it and feel more myself maybe even being a bit stronger of a person because of it. I'll wake up tomorrow, feel beautiful, hug my Hubby whom I've been missing for a while due to a trip, and everything will feel so much clearer and largely because YOU listened and I know I was heard. Ya'll rock. Big Hugs to everyone!
Thanks for listening to my incoherent rant! Love ya'll...
Realself to it's users: "You don't own your review...we do!"
I hope you are all doing well and recovering swiftly! I have bad news. This is my last post, guys and gals. I found out by accident really (trying to figure out how to edit a typo!) that if we want to edit our reviews or later on for whatever reason wish to delete them, the realself site claims full ownership of our words upon submission (when they say we "consent") to own our words indefinitely and refuses to allow us to delete them for any reason, similar to facebook, which I also don't use. Upon hearing that, I feel compelled to post this one last goodbye post, wish you all nothing but the best, and stop participating until they decide to respect the intellectual property of their users.
I just don't feel right about posting such personal emotional thoughts knowing they won't respect my wishes in the future should I decide to remove my review for whatever reason. Who knows why one would want to remove it? I can't imagine right now, but something in this strikes a chord with me. I find it disrespectful, trite and pompous. They should be *grateful* for their users who freely without compensation post this highly detailed info for all to see to help each other. Anyways, sorry this has to end on a bad note. I just don't feel the warm fuzzy anymore knowing this. I own my words, me and only me. If a company thinks they own me, I vote with my "feet" and move on. Here I go :( Just a heads up to those who don't know this already. Of course we all know (don't we?) that you shouldn't post anything to the internet that you don't want to world seeing, hehe, and I am fine with what I have posted, but still, it is quite the statement when a site so boldly claims ownership over it's users very personal words forever, even if we intended for the world to see them. I didn't expect that. Common decency is not so common after all. I've taken down all my photos while I was "allowed" to, and will not be updating again until they change this policy and give users back the rights to their own sentiments.
All the best to everyone,