My tummy tuck journey begins...

A little more about me and my journey: Almost two years ago, during one of my then-infrequent trips to the gym, I ran into a friend who told me that he'd promised himself that if Obama won, he'd hit the gym every day (not intended as a political plug, just a fact). I decided to join him. I'm an adult gay male, and have been large/overweight since my adolescence. As a child, we had to shop for my clothes in what was then called the "chunky" section (Gawd, how I hated that term!). I've fought with going to the gym and getting physically fit my whole life, even though I've performed professionally, including dancing, all these years. People are always surprised at how well I move, given my size. If I had a dollar for every time I've heard the comment, "You move so well..." with the inferred "...for someone who's fat," it would pay for my tummy tuck. I'm fairly clear that part of my weight was also about having something to insulate me from sexual interaction. As young gay boy, no one mentors you or provides a role model for dating or exploring sexuality, and it terrified me. It was hard enough just battling the numerous negative messages one hears, both externally and internally, without having to confront actual physical contact. I moved to NYC from the Midwest 13+ years ago, partially for my career as an entertainer, but even more so so I could explore my sexuality in a place where no one cared how many or how few partners I had, how much experience I had/didn't have, and where there would be a greater diversity of men in every aspect, including size. I never expected to be embraced (both figuratively and literally) so completely, both because of my size, and in spite of it. It was as though the Universe was going out of its way to prove to me that I had been wrong all those years about how unattractive I believed I was. I won't go into details here, but suffice it to say that I received ample proof that I didn't need to change a thing in order to receive love and affection and touch and connection and intimacy and joy. So, I decided to give in and accept my own beauty, and to stop keeping myself down by not going to the gym. I decided to give myself the body I'd always known was inside me, and to do my best to lay the groundwork for the healthiest aging process I could have; a path decidedly different from the one I had been on. AND, I promised myself that, no matter what it took, when I got to the place where I thought it was time, I would give myself this tummy tuck. Hopefully, as a 50th Birthday present to myself. I've been almost completely faithful to gym-going. Even taking breaks and then getting back to it without beating myself up was an enormous step--before, I just would've used my temporary failure as a permanent excuse. I ended up taking testosterone, which made an enormous difference in my results. I've seen changes in my body I never thought would be possible. I know even greater changes, even without the abdominoplasty, are coming. I don't even know exactly how much fat I've lost. I haven't been worried about the numbers on the scale, which gives me great peace of mind, and thrills my doctor. I've been much more concerned with putting on muscle and building strength. According to the scale at my Doctor's (the only scale I ever get on), I've lost about 70 lbs. However, I know I've also put on a bunch of muscle, and have changed my posture, my alignment, my flexiblity, etc. I used to wear a 54" jacket and a 52" waist. Now I'm a 50-52" jacket and 36-38" waist (I'm 6'4"). I can actually buy clothes at a department store, which feels AMAZING! So now, it's time to part company with my belly. I know I'll cry when it's gone. I'm tearing up just writing this now. It's been like another person, another identity, another relationship. One that served me and kept me safe for awhile, but has outlasted its usefulness, and I'm strong enough to say goodbye to it and take care of myself without it. I'm not remotely interested in having a six-pack; I actually look forward to having a little tummy, for the first time I can remember. Key word: little. I should also add that my mother died in February, a dear friend just committed suicide, and I'm about to lose my apartment after an extremely nasty 3-year battle with my landlords. So many changes going on, and yet I feel clearer and stronger and more resolved than ever. I move before the end of this month. I'm flying to London to see a friend for a few days, then to Madrid for three weeks (my first time in either city) to spend time with a wonderful, loving, gorgeous man I've been Skype-ing with for more a year (a man who couldn't care less about me having the surgery, btw), then to the Midwest in time for Thanksgiving with friends. Monday, November 29th is my date for surgery. Then, in the new year, off to a new life in California (and possibly, Madrid). I'm filled with fear and excitement; loss in terms of home and people as well as weight; apprehension and confidence, peace and trust…it's all such an adventure. My own "Eat, Pray, Love," even with my own Javier Bardem… Hasta luego! (See you soon!)

Okay, why did the site remove every paragraph return? Please believe me, I know better. Yuck!