Post to Forum

Feeling scared and lonely- surgery date Oct.3rd

  • DiastasisRecti_ScaredMommy
  • New York
  • 3 years ago

Dear online friends, Today is a rough day. I am feeling very lonely in my quest and very scared for the surgery and also feel like I am losing friends that i just made in this new area....They can't understand what it's like to have been to 45 doctor and surgical appointments all summer, having 2 young toddlers and no time to do anything fun, any "time off" I had with mom here to help I was at another doctor visit.  I have terrible back issues, herniated discs, degenerative discs, s-curved neck they want to put plates in, and a HUGE diastasis recti tear of my abs vertically from my ribcage down. I am small but look 6-7 months pregnant now, have for 1.7 years since my last and final baby. Sad too to think that i cant have kids anymore, but am 37 and pregnancy destroyed my body, crushed my spine with terrible updside-down delivery and back labor for like 10 hours, I am finally getting this abdominoplasmy after consulations with all my surgeons and doctors, to fix my core first before getting plates in my spine and my neck and then likely ending up in more pain. I feel so lonely. We moved from city to country with babies and husband commutes long hours to city, and this weekend I am alone for 5 days with baby, and cannot find one friend to even play with....they gave up on me after being out of commission for the summer and my family doesnt live too nearby, and I am so scared about finding help for my kids, and suddenly my surgery date is 2 wks away almost. I was so proud of myself for finally taking a BIG step to help my horrible chronic pain, completely torn abs so cannot do core exercises, and at the same time, I've somehow lost most of my "new" friends in the area, their kids are getting older, busy in schools, and we are here in this remote neighborhood with no kids and I am just damn scared and lonely and have nowhere to go - tried to call some of them to connect but everyone is busy or says good luck and they have no idea how scared I am or what this really entails.... I have moved a bunch so am used to making new friends....when i first moved here, I quit my lifetime career to be a full time mom for a few years and started my own mom group and had folks over to my house trying to build a group of friends, but since then they have all seemed to branch off on thier own, go to different preschools, and here I am totally alone this weekend. 2 weeks before surgery and just feeling really scared and really lonely. I was just looking for some support. I am doing this to try and get my life back and not hold my kids in excruciating pain....but at the same time I am surprised how new friends can so easily back away from anything that is difficult or scary. They have no idea what I have been through. There are zero young kids in our neighborhood so I go outside and am just alone, seeing just trees and grass for miles. And now this weekend I am alone even more, without husband.....and scared to death all of a sudden. Help...what am i doing? Why am i doing this and why does this have to happen to me?!?!? Sorry, I dont ususally have a pity party for myself but this has been a tough year and I am learning the hard way about true friends and how hard they are to find. My best friends all live 100s or thousands of miles away, why can't we alll live next door!?!?  -Sad, lonely and scared Oct.3rd full diastasis recti repair w/2 toddlers...omg

Comments (22)

Sort by

How are you doing now? It's been awhile since your surgery. Do you want to post pics? I would love to know more about your story :)
It isn't always a fast recovery. You sound like you really need more help . It is major surgery and you can't just pick up 30 # babies or you are really going to be hurting and cause some damage to yr surgery. Can a relative come help out? And if the muscle repair is still so painful you can still take yr pain meds. I'm sorry you are struggling. I understand how hard it is. Just take it a day at a time.
Thank you guys so much. I now know that this is a surgery that could never be ignored, only worse with time and organs could begin being affected - but wow recovery is so much harder than I ever could have imagined, especially with the two toddlers, omg they've been sick, all i want to do is HOLD MY almost 2 yr old but he's 35 lbs of sick, kickin, crying, brochitis?! With the 10000s of muscle repair stitches, i am still in so much PAIN in the muscle areas! , and still have a drain in almost 2 wks later, STILL CAN'T SHOWER, when does it get better!?!?! When can I hold my 30lb baby?? When will i ever look better instead of worse? I thought this would be a break, but all i feel is pain, and mom guilt and like i have to prove something, and learned after about day 3 men R (least mine :) R done with any nurturing potential- what happens someday in 20 yrs when we really ARE sick? Will I be on my death bed alone cause he cant handle it??? OKAY I will SHUT UP NOW. not even sure this SILLY comment diatribe will go though, as NOT I am sending the day after i wrote it and.... TODAY -- I GOT MY FINAL DRAIN OUT!! it hurt for 15 seconds esp because wire was half broken off, 2 WEEKS POST-OP TODAY!!! YAHOOOOOOOOOO!
Scared mommy- I was reading about your ordeal and can relate. Childbirth changed my whole world too. I won't repeat it all here but you can go to my blog and see it from there. I too had a 6 in muscle repair and the pain after surgery was through the roof awful. Felt like my abs were in labor as I had tightening & the it would release for 10-20 sec & severe spasm for a minute or so and this kept on for hours. I had a lot of prayer going up for me during that time. My nurse called my doctor and he doubled my Valium and that knocked out the "labor" spasms. That and heavy duty pain meds helped make it through. I'm sorry to hear how you suffered so much those first few days cause I get what it was like.

How are you doing now?
OMG Puggymom i just got this now!!! NO WAY!!! It is soooo wonderful to connect- OMG - the pain is serious inexplicable, 2-3 days after i felt like i was in a war, waiting in a line of bodies with 45 bullet holes through my entire core, it was absolutely excruciating, and I've def had my share of painful experiences/surgeries to compare it to. My mom kept saying just pray, it was all i could do, i was moaning the prayers out loud for 2 days, and they did not give me enough pain meds, looking at my chart as only tummy tuck, but i couldnt even FEEL that part, the muscle repair was the horror!! I was in shock! When was your surgery????? How are you now!!! I got my final drain out today- ow- but it's OUT!!!! I have a big brace on and doc says i can take it off today and shower with soap !? but scar is not ready for healing cream or tape or anything yet, he will go over that next week?!?!? I want to hold my boys so badly, they are almost 2 and just 4!! so miss holding them- they are HUGE - like my husband.... so will be awhile!! Thank you So much for reaching out Pugggymom who is NOT puggy anymore!!! :)
Scared Mommy- just click on my name and you'll see my blog. It's all on there. Glad you saw this to know you aren't alone. The pain was real and sucked. You needed some serious muscle relaxers like Valium!
Glad to hear things are better.
Glad to hear you are home and on the mend... it just keeps getting better from her on. Each day you will feel less and less pain.
Can't wait to see photos!
Thank you all so much! I'm just now catching up online. OMG THOSE FIRST days were the most painful ever!!! AND it was especially painful because, GUESS WHAT?!?! I was right! I had a huge diastasis recti split, a split about 6" wide?!? Like that's practically half the size of my front?!?! It was about the biggest he'd ever SEEN, my kids are just 2 & 4 yrs... I knew something was very wrong after having my adorable huge second baby, back was horribly painful and everything hurt everywhere...went from doc to specialist to.....
My awesome doctor opened me on surgery table and said he was like holy sh"t this chic knows what she was talking about. OMG the first few days of internal muscle repair felt like having 29 c-sections at once, or being in hard labor pains (done both) but my pain level was omg OFF THE CHARTS!! Which I knew was possible since I was already pain patient for herniated disc, so a standard, lowest oxy dose of 5mg did nothing, I was howling at the moon looking for a gun.... But all of a sudden those days are over, that was last week, and I am home and alive and well, healing of course and have to get help with the toddlers-i cant hold them. Doc says to relax and take advantage of having a break but i have massive mom guilt with me lying here listening to them with Gma/ sitter and its so weird- I feel so bad about not being able to hold them! Better run, cat attacking my bed tray. Darn that kitten?!?!
I'm so happy to know something really bad was going on and he could fix it!!!! I'm still in shock. Thank God for this site!!!
Glad to hear that you are through the worst of it and beginning to see some light at the end of the tunnel! It is a long journey, but one that gets a little better every day. I also had lower back problems, which appear to have been *really* helped by this surgery. I am hoping that you find this as well -- a 6" ab split is HUGE and must have been contributing to your pain. Listen to your Doc and take this time for yourself -- to heal and relax -- you deserve this and your family will appreciate you all the more when you are healed and ready to return to all your responsibilities. Sending you good healing thoughts!! : )
Hope your surgery went well...the first week is the worst, but it's all uphill from there! Let us know how you are doing when you are able. Sending good healing thoughts your way!
I hope your surgery went well and that you are on the road to recovery. I can relate with the young family, mine are 5, 4, 2, and 11 months. They are my world. I had surgery a week ago and am feeling great! Slow, stiff when I first get up, taking tons of breaks (which is hard cuz I'm used to going going going) but I'm functionable. I'm seeing amazing results already, and am looking forward to feeling 100 %
You can do this. You will be amazed at how you will heal and how strong your body is. My kids love that I'll sit and snuggle on the couch with them and watch a movie...something I never made the time for or did before.
Sending you lots and lots of healing thoughts!

At least if you don't sleep, you'll get in a lot of rest tomorrow. Thinking of you!

Thanks so much, Lisa!!! I think the scariest or hardest thing is my kids- they are 4 and almost 2, the love of my life, and I've never been long without them, temporarily quit my full time career with insane hours to be a full time mom, omg hardest 24/7 manual labor job ever! heheheh! At least i might catch up on my sleep - but i am your standard guilt-wridden mom- it's taking alot of people to help with them since i can't hold them for weeks, but THOSE gorgeous creatures are why I am in this situation now - with a 4" vertical tear from booobs on down and i always look 7 mos pregnant yet arms and legs are like size six, tummy size 133733737!!! I can't do any core exercise in my condition right now and am praying this makes my able to use core and be pilates guru again!
It's sooooooooooooo early- i have to get up at 4:45am to leave here --- how am i EVER going to sleep???????
thank you guys soooooooooo much.....lisa, 8 wks post-op I hope that i will be thinking the SAME thing!!! i am getting sooo sooo nervous - tomorrow is the day and I THINK I AM GOING TO PUKE I AM SO NERVOUS!!!!!!!!!!!
what about coffee? Milk?
I am getting so nervous. Husband has been wonderful getting house ready for me but i dont think he understands when i say honey i need like personal, one on one lovely hugs and your big strong arms telling me it's going to be ok - but hes more one for practical action taking, that he has done!!!!
Do I NEED TO BE ORDERING special garments from ALLL these post-surgery websites friends have shown me?? LIKE there are like 10000 items in the tummy tuck section alone!??!?
wow all day?? I was told 'nothing after midnight' but I ate light the day prior. Chicken bullion is clear, as is jello, juice, coffee with no dairy, ummmm popsicles, ...
Usually you will wake up wrapped up in a binder. You wear this for weeks. I then went online and bought a body shaper that I wear still especially at work as you can still swell from being on feet all day.
Take it ONE DAY AT A TIME...don't awfulize it. The first 3 days are usually the worst for people. So tell yourself... tomorrow I'll feel a little better...and rest!! I know the laundry, the dust bunnies, the newspapers on the floor etc... will drive you nuts but just tell someone else to take care of it. Your full time job is rest and relax!! and take your meds!!
Anesthesia can bind you... so make sure you have prune juice in the fridge,and suppositories, enemas in the bathroom closet should you need them.
You are gong to be great! What time is your procedure??
Thinking of you as tomorrow is your big day! You are going to do awesomely!! I was thinking yesterday (8 wks post op this week) I wished I'd done this many years right after my 3rd baby!! who is now 16!
DiastasisRecti_ScaredMommy, Its nearly your big day girlfriend. I too was home alone with toddlers and my husband the workaholic (who was never around.) I know how lonely it can be. Keep your chin up, for this too will pass. After reading your posts I know that if anyone needs this surgery it's you! The recovery is really not as bad as our minds imagine it to be...the worst part is the anticipation. You're going to feel fantastic when you get this taken care of! I am on day 5 and wish I'd have done this years ago instead of agonizing about it for so long. You're in my thoughts and prayers for a successful surgery and speedy recovery. Good Luck!!
Hi Scared Mommy,
BTDT with toddlers... I had 3 at one time (newborn, 2 yr old and just about 4 yr old) it was difficult. I had worked full time prior to children and knew nobody in my town.
Here are some things I did to find friends...
Church.... stay after for coffee and donuts/social time...always young families with kids
Museums often have programs for toddlers... a local one here had a toddler time where the kids heard a story, sang a song and made a painting.
local playgroups... join

It is difficult being sole parent when your husband is away... I've done the solo parent thing for 10 yrs since the death of my husband..not fun!!

As for the mommy friends who are new friends and don't get it. They may not feel a connection yet. If you are involved in a church, let them know you are going in for major surgery. Some churches have an outreach group that could bring over a meal or help in small ways. Who is coming to stay right after your surgery to help with the kids? You will need A LOT of help the first week.
Good luck to you!!

You're very welcome! Being alone with children is VERY different than being alone by yourself (because that's actually fun and productive!) I truly hope this surgery gives you your body back. You're going to do great.

And when your kids get older it gets so much easier. You'll find other moms with similar interests as yours, believe me! And you'll get back out there on your own, too, doing your thing.

Thinking about you!

Thank you so very much Angiemcc..... your response brought me to happy tears! I was trying very hard to "make it alone" this weekend and do things with friends since we are new to our area and don't have any neighbors with kids or really neighbors much at all - soooo far apart the houses are in our 'estate' neighborhood, haha, i am just not used to that, I'd rather be in a townhome and am a media/TV career person (before taking time off for kids) so I'm not used to being completely alone with huge babies to deal with. It's so hard on my back, and so hard thinkign that the surgery is now 2 wks away, I am scared to death but also excited that this should be life-changing....was just so exhausted. Anyhow, I was trying to make in on my own from Thursday-Tuesday in isolation (it would not be bad if just me -heehee I would have soooo much to do, I don't mind being alone at all, has not happen much in 4 yrs since kids but used to live alone working in Europe and lived alone in Grad school...,oooo I could shower, paint nails, even shave legs, blow dry and even curl my verryy long thick hair that does not get blowed out or styled since kids -haha- I could work on my art projects, photography design, watch girly movies, call old friends across the globe :) but with 30 lb baby & bad back, holy cow totally different, on his schedule and exhausted to point of collapsing at bedtime. You know, peeping through diaper, pjs, sleepsack, sheet, mattress cover, all to be changed at like 5am and then he's up and wired and i couldnt fall asleep till like 2-3am in big dark house!! :)!??!? OH WELL, I AM LOOKING AT THIS BIG SURGERY AS A HUUUGE TURNING POINT - IT HAS TO BE- IT HAS TO HELP THE CHRONIC BACK PAIN and has to help me get more involved again - and "get out there" I have to WORK hard to meet other moms - its so weird - used to find all my friends through my love of media, PR, or folks with same interest and same brain in grad school, and now we are just making friends with randoms that have kids same age!!? So diff! Oh well, better run, we finally escaped to my wonderful parent's house in the more normal suburbs of the city, with cul-de-sacs and cars and people!! Good idea to get out of that house, and mom let me sleep 10 hours straight- holy heaven!?!?!??!? I love this site, you seriously are the people making my day and making me not freak out - any positive vibes and happy thoughts, thank you guys - am about to get 4" huge vertical split in my abs fixed finally, after looking 7mos pregnant and having no core support on my very small -short-waisted 5'6" frame...with disc herniations all over....oh pregnancy, so worth it, but for me, doing it after 30 twice destroyed my body...ripped 3 places, plus spine crush....I wanted more kids, but now I am 36 and I just can't do it anymore, it hurts my body so much, I have bad hip issues too (what am i 110 years old!?).... but repairing my core with this surgery just HAS TO CHANG everything!!! It HAS too! When I get my core back, I can get my life back! I can exercise again and do Pilates and Yoga again, 2 of my favorite things before kids!!! And maybe meet moms there at the gym kids center?!??! okay better run soorrry for long reply. It's just, THANK YOU!!! SO MUCH!

Being alone with two toddlers can be SO isolating. Especially without family around. I've been in your shoes, too! It sounds like your surgery is medically necessary, so I hope you're not experiencing the guilt so many moms do when about to get a tummy tuck. You need this!

I really hope one of your new friends (or two) comes through for you and gives you some company. What about going out somewhere easy? A park or indoor play area where the kids could run around and you could chat with other moms?

We're here for you, too. Though I know it's not the same!