Pretty Hurts - A Wrinkle in Time
K. Mathews on 6 Jun 2011 at 4:00pm
This week’s episode of Pretty Hurts is all about time. Apparently, while registered nurse Rand might be able to reverse aging in his patients, he can’t seem to manage his own time well.
Rand arrives late to work, where his first patient, Pamela, is already waiting. Rather than picking up the pace, Rand has a conversation with her, which irritates his business partner, Kurt. Kurt feels that if Rand were less social, he would have time to see more patients and make more money. However, Rand counters that it improves his business by building a rapport with this client. Indeed, chemistry is an important factor in choosing a doctor. Ultimately, Pamela is happy with her new appearance, declaring Rand an “artist”. Let’s just hope she doesn’t mean Picasso – that man never made the faces look right!
Go! Fight! Win! Next up is Amber, a former Dallas Cowboy cheerleader with a couple of bags. Not designer purses, but deep, dark bags under her eyes. There are a number of ways to treat this problem, though Rand treats her with some filler. Because Amber frequently travels abroad to entertain the troops, she wants to maintain a youthful appearance. Call it a hunch, but I don’t think those soldiers will be paying much attention to her eyes anyway.
The following patient is Vivicca, a comedienne who has discovered a downside of her profession: laugh lines that form around her mouth. Before starting the treatment, Rand takes time to chat with her. The conversation turns bawdy as Vivicca refers to her FUPA, which she defines as a “fatty upper punany area”. she also starts to tell Rand that she prefers well-endowed lovers, but Rand’s coworkers interrupt to speed the process along. He finally injects her with some filler and warns that she will feel just a “little prick”. Rand, Vivicca just explained that she wasn’t interested in those!
Meanwhile, Sheila arrives without an appointment, yet refuses to leave without being seen. Evidently, someone compared Sheila to a grandmother, causing her to run straight to Rand’s office to fix up her imperfections. Whoever called her a grandmother must have meant in appearance, since no one would mistake Sheila for having the warm, gentle personality of a grandmother, that’s for sure. Though Rand is short on time, he agrees to squeeze her in. Rand gives her a couple of injections, but makes Sheila swear not to tell that he saw her without an appointment. Sheila promises, and the secret stays safe between the two of them… and a national television audience. Good luck dealing with more walk-ins, Rand!
Last up is T’Quan, who is only 25 and has perfect skin, though maybe a questionable hairstyle. Though he is wrinkle-free, T’Quan wants to have some preventative work done because he’s convinced he’ll look over-the-hill at 26. Rand contemplates either shaking or slapping him. I think I speak for everyone over 26 when I say: Please slap him! Slap him until he needs some work done just to look right again! Nevertheless, Rand gives T’Quan some injections to reduce his non-existent forehead wrinkles and tells him not to come back anytime soon.
At the end of the day, Rand is running so far behind, he is unable to go to an event at the Playboy mansion he had hoped to attend. While most gay men probably wouldn’t be too disappointed to miss such a breast festival (breastival?), when you’re in the cosmetic enhancement business, the bunnies aren’t just sex objects, they’re also former clients!
We’ll be back again next week to recap a new episode of Pretty Hurts, assuming that Rand shows up on time!
*Nurse Rusher practices under the guidance of board-certified plastic surgeon and ASAPS member Dr. Norman Leaf