Pretty Hurts - Start Spreading the News
K. Mathews on 13 Jun 2011 at 3:30pm
Rand, the injectionist to the stars, is back, and it’s time for him to release the quarterly newsletter for his office. Previous editions have been so bad that even Botox can’t fix it, so Rand wants everyone on staff to contribute an article to make the next one more exciting.
Of course, the staff doesn’t have much time because they have clients to see, like Jody, a comedienne who says that smoking has left her withlips that “look like a cat’s butt.” I don’t remember exactly what a cat’s butt looks like, but rather than searching for a picture to confirm, I’ll just take her word for it. Rand injects filler to enhance the border of her lips, helping Jody’s mouth to look decidedly less like a feline’s rear.
Meanwhile, I’m sure you’re wondering how the employees are coming along with their newsletter articles. (Just nod your heads and pretend.) Joy has started a column called “Joy’s Joys” but has yet to come up with a single joy, which I hope is more of a sign of writer’s block than depression. Curt pretends he did not receive the assignment, perhaps to hide his own illiteracy. Rand dismisses his other coworkers’ contributions, which is unfair once you hear his own submission, a haiku. Hey, Rand, I’ve got a haiku for you:
Is a haiku news?
Seventeen syllables just
sounds lazy to me.
Former America’s Next Top Model Adrianne Curry enters the office to meet with the resident laser specialist, Joy, who for the record seems more joyful than joyless despite her sad article. Joy treats Adrianne with IPL to give her skin a refreshing glow before a red carpet event. Before she leaves, Adrianne asks Rand about getting preventative injections, but Rand tells her she’s too lineless and young. Adrianne says that her husband (Christopher Knight, AKA Peter Brady) is 53, so she’ll send him in instead. Considering that the couple just announced their separation, maybe she shouldn’t have brought up his physical flaws.
Speaking of marital problems, last up is Letha, who says she just divorced the bogeyman and wants the resulting stress lines on her face minimized. After Letha drops several hundred dollars on some injections, it’s obvious that the bogeyman didn’t have a prenup. Divorce can be motivator for cosmetic enhancement, and it appears the filler gave Letha some much-needed comfort.
While Letha looks better, the newsletter sure doesn’t. The staff doesn’t fix up their articles, so Rand says he’ll just write it all himself. I guess it’ll be a series of haikus, then?
Yes, Pretty does Hurt.
I might need some numbing cream
when I watch this show.
Tune in with us next week to see if Rand and the gang decide to upgrade the newsletter to include limericks.
*Nurse Rusher practices under the guidance of board-certified plastic surgeon and ASAPS member Dr. Norman Leaf