Santa Makeover: What Plastic Surgeons Suggest for St. Nick
Makenzie on 21 Dec 2011 at 11:00am
Like a true media-shy celebrity, this week’s headline maker never divulges his real age. But we heard it through the toy-assembly line that Rudolph’s comments about “too many cookies” and casting calls for “hefty, elderly-looking men” to play him on TV were starting to get to a certain jolly old man.
Just for fun, we decided to ask a few plastic surgeons who are in touch with their humerus bones (sorry, had to) what they would recommend if ol’ St. Nick walked into their office looking for help.
So Santa, if you’re reading this, here are your options. Better make appointments now to avoid the New Year’s makeover rush!
Concern: Ho-ho-ho lines
- Dr. Phil Haeck: “If Santa isn’t a smoker, he needs a facelift to take away the stress of all that management. Elves can be very hard to discipline you know.”
Dr. Michael Persky: “I would not risk the downtime of surgery on Santa with his very busy schedule and traveling obligations. [I] would recommend the revolutionary ‘next big thing’ in facial plastic surgery, Ultherapy.”
(He added that Ultherapy would be “an excellent treatment for Ms. Claus and her daughters between 35 to 60 years old.”)
Concern: Cheeks like roses and nose like a cherry
Dr. Anthony Youn: “Santa has some severe rosacea, which can get flared up by certain drinks like wine or excessive heat. I recommend that he consider pulse dye laser treatments, which could reduce the redness of his face and cheeks.”
- Dr. Haeck: “I favor a course of Obagi Nu-Derm. It actually would redden his face more initially, so he cold start using it today [to keep his traditional look for Xmas].”
Concern: Chubby and plump bowl full of jelly
Dr. Persky: “[To prevent getting stuck in small chimney’s, we would treat Santa's unwanted fat bulges that have been resistant to diet and exercise with CoolSculpting to his tummy and love handles.”
NOTE: “Hugging Frosty the Snowman without your shirt on will not be as effective as CoolSculpting, plus it could seriously injure Frosty!”
- Dr. Youn: “The first thing Santa needs to do is lay off the cookies and switch to skim milk. After that, he should join a gym and carry his sack of toys by himself. His pot belly is composed mainly of intra-abdominal fat, which cannot be removed via liposuction or a tummy tuck. His best option is to spend the other 364 days of the year working out.”
Hope the North Pole has a 24 Hour Fitness!
No one suggests identity-changing procedures for St. Nick, but Dr. Persky did have one more suggestion: “[I] would give him one of my business cards to hand over to his friend Rudolph for a complimentary nose job consultation. I can see it next Christmas....’Rudolph the Natural Nosed Reindeer.’”
And finally, if Santa were to accept all these suggestions, here’s what he might look like: